Last week Brian set to work trying to help melodramatically inclined achieve a higher level of villainous competence. I had a lot of fun reading it and talking about it with him, so in grand literary tradition I'm nabbing it. Now lets make a better breed of kung fu fighter.
1. Be an orphan: Its unfortunate but everyone knows that having parents is liability to any aspiring head-puncher. Probably something to do with all the hugs. So if you want to be a legend you're going to have to make sure you grow up alone. I recommend, starting at a young age, encouraging your parents to go out to fancy plays in bad neighborhoods or living in a region prone to banditry.
2. Get a (mediocre) Master: Now that your parents are no longer there providing standards of appropriate behavior you're going to want to find a Master to train you. You're going to be tempted to find the most well renowned instructor in the area. Fight that instinct. No-one gets to be the best by hard work and training under a competent teacher. You want to find a second or even third rate instructor, someone who will really go down hard if pressed. Which brings us go point three.
3. Get your Master killed: They don't necessarily have to die, but it's important that they're permanently crippled and you never really talk to them again. It doesn't have to be your fault, but its better if it is. Try spending all your time harassing strangers at the market or in the town square. Maybe invent elaborate stories about how your Master is invincible or how supreme the style they teach is, and make sure to really lean on the baseless arrogance you've no doubt developed by this point. Its only a matter of time before you piss someone off enough to ,at least, clear out your dojo and beat down your Master.
4. Go train on a mountain or some shit: So some clearly superior fighter has taken the bait and murdered the only person willing to teach your douche ass to fight. Now you need to swear revenge and go train somewhere secluded. Could be a mountain, or an undersea trench if you're feeling fucking frisky, what matters is there can be no chance of actually receiving practical experience fighting other human beings. Its really vital that during this period you develop no meaningful social skills or learn about strategies involved in fighting martial artists. Fight a bear or something, maybe some wolves or a giant squid or shark if you went with the marine punchologist option.
5. Have a mystical revelation (optional): Experiencing some kind of, at least pseudo-mystical, enlightenment isn't necessary to being a kung fu legend, but it is pretty much the only way to stand a chance of learning crazy fight-magic, so it is recommended.
6. Play an elaborate game of cat and mouse with your Master's killer: Now at this point its pretty even odds that you're the bad guy in this situation, but hey don't worry, some legends are dicks. What matters is that by this point there could be no possible way you aren't probably a complete kung fu badass. So its time to cash in that oath of revenge. But first you're going to want to throw them off balance. Spend some time being cordial with your nemesis. Not only will it add flavor to the inevitable confrontation it'll allow you the opportunity to study them and learn whatever probable fight-magic they used to beat your Master for you.
7. Vengeance!: Alright, its time for the moneyshot. Throw down with your foe wherever feels natural. The important bit is that you beat them in whatever way is most complete for the given foe. An arrogant or bloodthirsty enemy might be best served by a show of compassion, mercy. Strong, proud enemies should be crushed unequivocally, maybe even go easy on them. Ancient demons or evil sorcerers should probably just be killed or banished with whatever magic kick or sacred fisting you have lined up.
8. Wander: Now that you've done what you set out to do its time to wander the land doing whatever strikes your fancy. This can't be surprising, what with the dead parents and extended isolation from human contact. You're no longer really capable of effectively interfacing with society. Go out into the world and do good works or seek a worthy foe or something. It doesn't really matter, you're a legend or something, do what you want.
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