Winning the War on Goats

Alright, so it's been hot around here, not like Devil's Valley hot or anything, but hot enough that my tubby Scandinavian ass is melting. As a result, I've pretty much only been able to think about how fucking hot it is and how spectacularly I disapprove of that fact. So today I'm going to talk about why I don't like goats.

1. Goats are Smug:

Look at that fucker. Sitting there with its stupid fishy fucking eyes. Judging. Like a fucking goat knows what the world is like. The pressures we face! With their stupid, shitty little horns and their "cheese". Dicks.

2. They're Creepy: Did you know that goats can climbs trees? Yeah, fucking tree climbing goats. Oh, and they fucking scream, and not just the tree-climbers. While that can be really funny when properly framed, imagine it echoing out over the fields in the dark of an autumn night, row upon row of dead, flat-head eyeballs gleaming hungrily in the starlight.

3. Seriously, Look At Those Fucking Eyes: Goat eyes are fucked up. Rectangular pupils give these little bastards a roughly 320 degree field of vision with no frontal blind spot. They also make a visual organ into a hideous, half-open portal to some barnyard hellscape.

Fucking goats. I'm going to go tape ice cubes to my head, hopefully we get some rain so I can write a coherent post next week.

An Open Letter To PETA

Dear PETA,
You people are monsters and you need to stop. You talk about the ethical treatment of animals, something that I believe should be something that people actually talk about, but then you kill 88.3% of the animals you take in. 88.3%! You could have left the animals on the street and they would have had a better chance to survive. You are monsters just on that point alone, especially after you protest against shelters for committing euthanasia. What makes you even worse? You hired a lobbyist to stop Virginia state from restricting euthanasia of animals. This is something I thought you guys would appreciate: something that would stop people from killing animals. But noooooo, you hire one of the most notorious lobbyists in history to make sure you can still kill animals at your whim.

The Virgina Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services filed a report in 2010 that investigated their shelters and found that 90% of the euthanized animals were killed within 24 hours of their arrival at the shelter. You didn't even try to adopt out those animals, did you?

As I said in the first paragraph, I am a believer that treating animals in a humane way is important. I disagree about a few of your other policies and beliefs (specifically about why being vegan is better) but the main view you have, I share.

Most of our meat industry is bad for animals in terms of living conditions. We are in a time in which technological advancement is moving so quickly, you would be vastly better served to help fund technology that replaces animal products or reduces the cruelty of conditions. You are a huge organization, spend some of that money you spend making video games that shame imaginary violence against animals on researching how to make technology not hurt animals. I think that animal testing is kinda fucked up, but its also how we create vaccines and treatments for stuff like AIDS so instead of just protesting, help develop technology for testing without using live subjects. And on the side of animal adoptions, I think that there should be someplace that treats animals well and actually tries to adopt them.

Oh wait, there totally is. The Humane Society doesn't kill any animals, and their rates of adoption are amazing, at least here in Seattle, you have to check individual sites for numbers of adoptions and I didn't feel like looking through all of them. The humane society trumps you completely. You claim on your website that no kill shelters don't accept animals with diseases and massive injuries, but I couldn't find anything like that on the Humane societies website, even though they are a no kill shelter.

So here is my idea for you PETA. Stop killing animals. Start creating new technology. You want to cause change? Create an alternative. Don't just say there should be one and then moralize about how the things you do aren't fucking evil because its you doing them. Instead of making Billboards that show Pink naked, use the money you would have given her to do actual good for the beautiful plethora of life on this planet.

Sincerely,
Brian