Weekly Cinemeh

Welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh, this week our theme was Sylvester Stallone. The reasons for this is that Eshi got blue balls because while on his vacation last week he caught the first third of a Rambo movie so we decided to go action heavy with some Stallone movies. I am not a fan of Stallone personally, but I can see the appeal for some people, First Blood is amazing. We will get to that though, to the list!

1: Rocky
Rocky is a movie about a dumb guy who can punch OK becoming a dumb guy who can punch good. Well, really its a movie about needing to prove to oneself that they can "go the distance" by trying. its the classic underdog story. Its not a bad movie, but I think the pseudo religious following of Rocky as a "contender" is a little excessive. Rocky is a good fighter, and he knows his own limitations, which is grea. But he also gets a little rapey with a girl he likes and works for a "good guy" who is a loan shark. Taking Rocky as a hero might be a little much. I am not saying he's a bad guy, but he isn't perfect, though maybe that's the point. Maybe Rocky is just trying to be a better person and that's why people root for him. Stallone is competent in both his acting and writing and Carl Weathers has my love no matter what he does (Get yourself a stew going Mr.Weathers, you've earned it). Its a movie worth watching if only to see how it influenced our culture.

Eshi: I'd never seen Rocky before, and I'm pretty okay with not bothering to see it again. If I wanted to watch a mentally handicapped rapist get his ass beaten I'd watch Tyson V. Holyfield. Watching Rocky train is painful, for a lot of reasons. Everyone in the movie is shitty, with the exception of Adrian, who is just bad at things. The "love scene" is one of the most awkward, oppressive, disturbing lead ups to a "consensual" relationship I've ever seen in a movie. The fact that at no point does Rocky's conniving shit-eater of a friend get dumped unceremoniously in a river is unforgivable. Fuck this movie.

2: First Blood
Now, I want to get this out of the way, I think the ending for the novel this movie is based on is far superior, as well as the original ending for the movie. If you don't know Rambo dies in the end of both alternate endings, which fits the story much better in my opinion. Rambo living in the end doesn't ruin the movie, just makes it have less of an impact. This movie is about a Vietnam veteran who gets harassed by some small town cops who think he is a hobo trying to slum it in their town. When he gets arrested they treat him in a way that is reminiscent of a prison camp in Vietnam that Rambo was tortured in. This causes him to freak out and beat the shit out of a bunch of cops. The rest of the movie is Rambo running from the police and trying to escape the area. In the end it is revealed that he is a broken man who went through hell, and he is trying to cope with some terrible PTSD. This is a great movie as it shows the problem with war and turning people into trained killers and not having a support network for them when they return. Rambo doesn't have anyone to help him after he gets home, and only finds people that hate him. This has a very negative effect on him. Its a good movie that deserves to be watched. It has a good message and some great action.

Eshi: This movie betrayed me. Not because its bad, its actually really fucking good, but because it was because of First Blood that I suggested the rest of this fucking shitshow. That said, hell yes Rambo. Its compelling and explodey, Rambo is simultaneously powerfully empathetic and a complete, unrelenting bad ass. Brian Dennehy is always great and David Caruso manages to not fuck up a another movie single-handedly. I agree with Brian that the end is lacking in comparison but its pretty far from terrible.

3: The Expendables
Fuck this movie.  This movie wastes most of its cast and instead of trying to make an action movie about a bunch of badasses, it ends up being a giant circle jerk with a bunch of people trying to out cool one another. I think that the dialog in this movie was made by taking a bunch of cool sounding lines and randomly inserting them into a generic script. Its disjointed and most of the time doesn't make any sense. This entire movie is just masturbation. Some of the action is good, but most of it is stuff we have seen before. When everyone in this movie is trying to look cool it all just becomes a disjointed and just bad.

Eshi: I tried on this one I really did. I could sum up this entire movie by pointing you to a scene where Bruce Willis straight up asks if Stallone and Schwarzenegger are going to suck each others dicks, to which they respond with three full seconds of knowing eye contact. I am not going to do that. I fully intend to pan this movie to the absolute limit of my patience. First of all, is Jet Li okay? Did something terrible happen? I'm not being a dick here, I'm legitimately worried about him after this fucking thing. He's better than this. Second, Jason Statham is both wasted and grossly over exposed. He's supposed to be like, a secondary protagonist? He doesn't really come off as an actual partner, but he gets waaaay too much screen time to just be support. Third, fuck Mickey Rourke. his characters fucking name is Tool, and it is the most honest thing about this movie. Steve Austin is as wooden and unpleasant as ever and Randy Couture exists apparently. Arnold and Bruce Willy are in the movie fore a combined five minutes, entirely encompassed by the one scene in the movie they appear in. About the only good thing I can say about this goddamn abortion is that Terry Crews plays Terry Crews, and there's never anything wrong with that. Oh, and ever fucking guy in their team is named something either racist or fucking stupid. I apologize to anyone who likes to watch along with us. I'll try not to do it again.