Weekly Cinemeh

Hello and welcome back to weekly Cinemeh! This week we didn't really have a theme in mind, all the movies are dumb fun that we watched for the hell of it. The reason? Fallout 4 came out this week so both Eshi and I got distracted. Anyway, all the movies are fun, so think of this week as suggestions of what to watch if you get bored and just want to be amused.

1: Tucker and Dale vs. Evil
Eshi has mentioned this movie before in his top 5 a while ago and I can see why. It takes the trope of rednecks in the middle of nowhere all being serial killers and turns it on its head by making the spunky group of teenagers the bad guys. This isn't really a spoiler, as it comes up right away in the film, but seriously its great. This movie is far funnier than it has a right to be, mostly because Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine are fantastic comedic actors. Their bromantic interactions are what make the movie for me really. I also love that the basic idea behind the movie is that if people actually fucking talked to one another a ton of people wouldn't be killed in a wood chipper... or something to that affect. There are some great effects, a fun and clusterfucky story, and some excellent humor. Well worth the watch.

Eshi: I could gush about T&DvE all fucking day. We can talk about how the guys' relationship almost perfectly embodies the societies path to the return of masculine friendships as a genuine support structure (replacing a spectacularly damaging cultural standard of quasi-abusive/hyper-competitive man-friend). Or I could talk about how, while it is an homage to slasher movies in every respect, it itself is a classic Heroic Action film. Come to think of it I probably will do a more in depth analysis on T&D some day, because I'm just that much of a fucking nerd, but today is not that day. Today is the day I tell you to go watch one of my favorite movies because its made of hand-forged joy.

2: Conan the Barbarian
This fucking movie. I don't know why I like it some much. Its so ridiculous. I don't know what the best part is. Is it the fact that over half or Arnold's lines are his stereotypical "grunt"(Grunt doesn't do it justice, but I have no idea what you would call it) or that James Earl Jones has a head of hair that would make Fabio jealous. Its a great movie if you don't want to take something seriously. The story is kind of a typical fantasy jam (kid with dead parents trains up to beat the guy that killed them) but the way it tells it, bombastic and overly dramatic, makes it a joy. Arnold isn't a great actor but he looks like what you'd expect a dude named Conan the Barbarian to look like. Get tipsy and watch this movie with some friends, you will probably have a great time.

Eshi: I don't even really know what to say about Conan. As we've pretty fucking firmly established previously, I am a huge fantasy geek, so everything about this goddamn thing is simultaneously completely repellent to me and a two minute rewrite from a wet dream I've had. Conan doesn't come off as a movie, so much as it does the dramatic retelling of the transcripts from the saddest D&D group. Gods, I hope that's the saddest... Anyway, between Arnold crit-failing his Sound Like a Fucking Human rolls constantly and the bad guys looking like a non-consenual Anvil reunion tour, C the B is a good waste of an evening... provided you can't cobble together an adventure.

3: Goldfinger
I love me some James Bond and this movie is what I would consider the best example of a Bond movie. I have to say though, watching it now when I am more wizened then my younger self James Bond straight up rapes Pussy Galore. Its super uncomfortable to watch, because it is clear she isn't into it at first. This kind of kills a lot of the love I have for the movie, which is sad. This is where 90% of the James Bond stereotypes come from. This is the thing that sucks about Bond movies, they have all the fun action and gadgets and great villains you could want, but James Bond is the worst person ever. He is cruel, sexist, and kind of a piece of shit as a human being but you still want to like him because he has been the epitome of suave for a long time. This is the negative side of a charisma based hero I think. That being said, it is still a fun movie that is at least worth watching for the cultural relevance if nothing else.

Eshi: Oh my fucking Gods why does James Bond always rape somebody. I love that Bond movies are so campy, I love that the fight scenes look like the where choreographed in an alternate universe where everyone has Parkinson's, the convoluted plots, the ridiculous gadgets. I even love that there is a movie where someone seriously thought they could give Sean Connery a spray tan and a shitty wig and pass him off as Japanese. But every time there's a ten minute scene that is completely composed of the guy everyone supposedly wants to fuck trying entirely too hard to install himself in someone who is super actively not down with it I hate the universe a little more. There are better ways to show that your protagonist is a douchebag. I get the Bond was/is basically masturbatory, pretty much all fiction is to some extent, but Stockholming someone with your penis is maybe one of those urges you shouldn't encourage too much. Other than that though, Goldfinger was pretty fuckin' awesome.