Jolly Cooperation

Dark Souls 3 comes out tomorrow, so this week might be a little sparse. And by a little sparse, I mean this is about what I plan on posting this week soooooo.... Good luck out there.

Weekly Cinemeh

Welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we didn't watch any movies, instead we wanted to talk about a style of show that it is sad that we don't get to see in the US. Panel Shows are a British format that I have been watching somewhat obsessively. A panel show is essentially a game show where comedians sit on a panel and make jokes about the shows subject. The game part of it is mostly just an excuse to see funny people be funny. Some of them are great, so here is a list of a few of our favorites.To the list!~

1: QI
QI, which stands for Quite Interesting, is a show that combines charm, humor, and intelligence in one package. QI takes a bunch of comedians and challenges them to answer questions about history, science, and anything that is interesting. Stephen Fry hosts the show (at least until next season when he is being replaced by Sandy Toksvig, a frequent favorite on the show), and if you don't know who that is, I feel sorry for you. He is all of the things I said about the show, and really helped make it something I enjoy. It takes pride in taking things that are "common knowledge" and showing how and why those things are wrong. It is very smart, and amuses while educating. If you want to give it a shot, almost all of it is on Youtube, so check it out.

2: 8 out of 10 Cats
8 out of 10 Cats is an odd show that has two formats, both of which are fun and hosted by British funnyman Jimmy Carr. The original run of the show is a panel of comedians riffing about polls, which is a lot better than it sounds. The second run of the show is the cast doing their version of another game show, Countdown, which a is a show where the contestants compete to complete math problems and word puzzles. The original version of Countdown didn't have any comedians at all in it, and it was boring as fuck, but giving it to a bunch of comedians was a great idea, and it instantly got better. Both versions of 8 out of 10 cats are worth checking out, and can be found on youtube.

3: Mock The Week
Mock The Week is one of the best news shows I have seen. Much like the name suggests, it takes a weeks worth of news and quizzes a bunch of comedians about it. The show is hosted by Dara O' Briain, who is one of my favorite comedians. The panels compete to see who can answer questions about the news, as well as compete in improv sets about the weeks issues. Its a fun show that introduced me to a bunch of comedians that are great. Check it out, almost all of it is on youtube as well.

4: Would I Lie to You 
Would I Lie to You revolves around hosts Angus Deayton, and later Rob Brydon, team captains David Mitchell and Lee Mac, as well as a series of guests, who are made to tell personal stories that the opposing team has to guess at the truth of. It's better than it sounds, like so many of these shows, largely due to the ever-present comedians. David Mitchell is especially witty and Rob Brydon has a weird charisma. Youtube will, once again, provide.

Nothing to do With Goats... This Time...

The more observant among you may have noticed that we have been in something of a creative slump. I can't really speak for Brian, but for me this is partly a matter of inspiration and partly a matter of sloth. The sloth bit is pretty self explanatory, I'm a lazy fuck and writing about something would require giving fucks that I frankly don't possess 90% of the time. Inspiration is trickier.

For me, writing without impulse is trying enough to provoke apathy. Now, I'm working on that, I want to care, the prospect of being creatively constructive is exciting to me. But a blank page is a daunting foe even without an blank head to accompany it. I've tried writing about current events, successfully demonstrating to myself that I'm not really capable of maintaining interest in pretty much any specific information for longer than it takes to convert that information into its general themes. Not that I don't care about the individuals involved in any particular "newsworthy" event, I'm just less concerned about them then I am about the likely root causes of whatever situation they inhabit. Most of which I've either thoroughly and frustratingly examined or about which I have nothing to say.

I've tried writing short fiction on here, and that was fun but largely aimless and so difficult to maintain. So in response to this aimlessness and apathy I've decided to write about being aimless and apathetic, because while I don't approve of self indulgence I am a firm advocate of masturbation.

I'm working on a D&D game, so I'll probably wander off and work on that soon. Hopefully, some good ol' world-building will refill my reserves and give me something to work with. Probably going to see a lot more random short fiction and Mounting Mythical Monsters from me in coming weeks. With any luck we'll all have some fun.

Weeklly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. Our theme was basically bat shit insane bible mythology, and wow, boy was it ever. This week our list is a bit shorter than usual, but both movies on it are pretty good, so, there is that. To the list!

1: He Never Died
He Never Died is about a guy who cannot die fucking up mafiosi because they won't stop knocking on his door. I wasn't sure about this movie until but a couple minutes in it grabbed my attention and had me loving it. HND is a horror comedy with some excellent practical effects, and some pretty funny scenes. Most of the comedy comes from the strange intensity or Henry Rollins, who plays the main character. While Mr. Rollins is pretty good the rest of the cast is only OK, but I think that has more to do with the direction rather than the script. Other than the Villain and the main character, every other character has pretty similar personalities, which does more harm than good in the long run. Also people act surprisingly sane when faced with some of the shit that happens in the movie. *spoiler* If I shoot a guy in the head and he keeps coming, I am not going to try to punch him, I'm going to fucking run. *end Spoilers*. Despite the negatives its still a fun movie to watch with some friends. Check it out.

Eshi: Henry Rollins is pretty fucking awesome, both in this film and generally. There's a pretty wide streak of "oh shit" in He Never Died, a streak I often find lacking in movies of this quality. Don't get me wrong, it's fun as hell, but it's no big budget blockbuster. Steven Ogg is in it and he's always a delight. HND is one of those movies where you don't want to share too much, not necessarily on grounds of spoilers but just because the whole experience deserves to be fresh, so give it a shot.

2: Let Us Pray
Let Us Pray is a bottle movie in a police station during the worst first day for any police officer ever. Damn near everyone in the small town in which this movie takes place is insane, and one man appears and starts to exacerbate it. The town's newest police officer then tries to survive all of the crazy that is brought to the surface. Man, with LUP and Filth, I don't think I would ever want to deal with Scottish police in any way. Liam Cunningham plays the devil, and does a good job of it. He is less the charismatic version of the devil and more the intense whisperer in the shadows who prods people into making poor decisions. I am a fan of Cunningham, and this is the kind of role he is great at. Pollyanna McIntosh plays the new police constable on duty and is a fine actress, though I would like to see what she could do with a better script. This movie is a little disappointing when it comes to the writing. There are a couple of ok moments in the movie, but the rest of it is just mediocre. The writing seems fairly average and there are some plot holes that I don't want to get too into here. Admittedly, I had high expectations going in, so I may be judging it a little harshly. Its an ok movie, so check it out if you have nothing better to do.

Eshi: The big draw for me on this movie is Liam Cunningham, he nails this role in ways it doesn't entirely deserve. LUP finds itself with an excess of concept and a dearth of delivery. The score is pretty fucking cliche, to the point of distraction, and the dialog comes off as weird quasi-theological fanfic in several unfortunately crucial places. I do really enjoy this movie, the violence is cathartic and Cunningham plays a Baali/Ravnos like a fucking boss, but I don't entirely feel good about it.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we decided to watch some standup comedy specials. Not a lot to talk about in the intro other than this might have been a bad idea since there isn't a lot we can to to talk about the specials without ruining them. Well anyway: to the list!

1: Funny Business
Jimmy Carr is a British comedian, and while not my favorite, he is pretty funny. For me personally his comedy specials always pale in comparison to him just improving on panel shows (basically game shows starring comedians for those of you who don't know). Carr is known for his acerbic tone in his comedy, and a master of the false setup kind of joke (the kind that play off of the misconceptions of the crowd). This special is his latest one, released on netflix. Its funny, though I kind of had an issue with it in that he spends half the special just playing off of jokes people tweeted to him. He is funny with it, but it seems a little lazy, which is sad because I know how funny he can be. That said, the rest of the show is great, and his banter with the audience is fun. Give it a watch, you'll enjoy it.

Eshi: Jimmy Carr does a hell of a one-liner, and his crowd work is pretty top shelf, but I feel like he wasn't really ready to do a special. As Brian said, there is a disappointingly long part of the set that's pretty much just him reading other people's tweets, which seems like cheating at best. He carries on the proud tradition of U.K. comedians and delightfully casual vulgarity. I'm genuinely impressed at the myriad ways Jimmy can mock someone sexually. Funny Business was alright, but maybe try his show.

2: Comedy Camisado
Hannibal Buress is a great comedian who makes me a little sad because his career is not exploding as quickly as a lot of other modern comedians. He deserves a lot more work, though I would say that about most comedians nowadays. That being said, every time he has been in something he has been good. He did get some attention for bringing up the Bill Cosby rape accusations prior to them becoming very public. His take on the world is great, and he has some excellent stories. His special was solid, I don't think its his best, but definitely worth the watch. Check it out.

Eshi: I really enjoy Hannibal Buress' stand up, but I think I prefer him as a writer. He's pretty much always a funny fucker but as a writer he can channel that funny through contextually more amusing people without having to draw on real life. An ability that will serve him well in trying to be widely recognized as something other than the guy who started the Cosby thing. Hannibal does damn fine work, and I look forward to seeing more of it.

3: Nice Try, The Devil
Pete Holmes is great. I first saw him on college humor with his "Badman" videos, and instantly loved him. He had a talk show for a couple seasons on TBS where he did more Badman like sketches that were great, but unfortunately he got cancelled. His show was great. It focused a lot on positive mindsets and how dumb jokes should be reveled in because they can make you feel better. He is a fun comedian to watch because he is very animated, and you can see how much fun he is having just being a comedian. Watch it.

Eshi: Pete Holmes always kinda seems like a refugee from Cool World, but like in a good way. The man is a cartoon version of himself and he deserves your goddamn admiration. He seems to genuinely love making people laugh and derives a clear joy from his own jokes that can't help but be infectious. This is a link to his youtube page, because I love you and I want you to have a good day.

Decency Isn't Genetic

Brian and I don't really talk much about family on here. Sure there's the occasional dig at the filthy, manipulative cunt-basket that my wife clawed herself out of in infancy. And every once in a while I'll write an unintelligible screed about the poor fucks who don't understand about genitals. But actual discussion of family is pretty limited. Now, this is partially because, with the noted exception of my father, we've all pretty much cut ties with our families. I'm not going to talk about the reasons for that, less because it isn't any of your fucking business what kind of shitty people spawned us and more because it would be an almost tragically short post. Instead, I going to talk about the other reason we don't talk about it much. Those people aren't really family.

I'm not talking about some kind of cultish, "We're your family now; here's your 'punch'", kinda thing. I do legitimately value the concept of family, a group of people upon whom you are supposed to be able to intrinsically rely, I just feel like that structure is entirely too important to be left to the capriciousness of fate. In my experience the people who share your blood are more likely to be the people to fuck you over hardest, both because they have the access and because you're less likely to be truly prepared for it. The worst bit is that most of the time the "family" that ruins you doesn't even understand the damage they've done. Because being betrayed or used by blood isn't just your casual exploitation, its your framework for society. If you can't trust your relatives then what chance does some fucking stranger have? No, fuck that. We all need a support network and sharing a sexually viable ancestor at whatever point in history is presently convenient is an insufficient metric by which to organize.

Beyond that is the question of affection. If I'm going to trust someone enough to turn to them in my time of strife I'd really rather actually like that person. I make it a policy not to go out of my way to deal with people I don't enjoy in general, and that goes double for people I'm related to. Life is too short and too unpredictable to devote time and effort to maintaining relationships with people you don't like.

I recently had a transaction with a man I've met fewer times than I have fingers who was my mother's brother. I'm ambivalent about him, but I dislike his SO in a fashion so natural and effortless that it would literally take me more effort to not give a fuck. He was gobstruck that not only is this an acceptable standpoint to me (me! this man he'd met a few times years ago, the scandal of it), but that I didn't feel as though it should have a meaningful effect on either of our lives. We hadn't spoken to each other in years and had never shared an experience more significant than eating in the same building, if it wasn't for the fact that the alcoholic racist that raised him also raised one of the people who raised me I wouldn't even be expected to remember his name. Much less give a fuck about his wife.

We've chosen, instead of all that bullshit, to be adults and make the hard choices. To decide who to care about and to make the effort to nourish those relationships to the point where those people aren't just worthy of the trust we're putting in them, they extend the same trust in return. There might not be as many of us, but we love each other. Not because of what some relative strangers did to each other before we existed, but because we found people who we wanted to share that with.

The Finer Points of Pixel Husbandry

I've been playing quite a bit of Stardew Valley lately, and its probably the best money I've spent on a game in years. Normally I don't have any surplus fucks to contribute to farming sims, too often they're painfully vanilla and heavily geared towards cutesy kiddy bullshit. I get that there is a certain fuck-headed percentage of the population that feels that games should be composed of cutesy kiddy bullshit as games are for children, and I acknowledge that these brain damaged, corporate collaborator cumstains exist and are entitled to their stupid, self-oppressive opinions. I'm going to let my personal feelings concerning those fine fucking failures live firmly between the lines and instead discuss why I love Stardew Valley.

First, Stardew leads off with a direct self-reference. You start the game slogging through a life of soulless toil in a call center. Then you receive a letter from your recently dead grandfather that you are only to open in the event of an inescapable ennui, a letter that contains a glorious escape in the form of a dilapidated farm. Saying out right, "oh, you need to get away from the painful mundanity of your life, here's a little farm for you to work on to make you feel better." A tactic that beats the hell out of the sense of forced obligation in so many of the Harvest Moon games or magical shenanigans that tend to accompany the Rune Factory franchise.

Second, and this could be a little spoilery, the characters are treated like people. The Mayor of the town is casually fucking the local cow-seller, one of the sexy-options congratulates the character on their stick handling prowess in a way that comes off as a pretty aggressive masturbation joke. It even stays pretty true to life in that most of the teenage characters are massive fucking cunts.

Finally, it doesn't really give a fuck who you fuck. Stardew is one of the painfully few games with a relationship system that doesn't discriminate on orientation. Wanna bone down with Fabio the fisherman? Do it, we don't care what bits you have. Like the nerdy biracial girl? Feel free to go to town with the genitals of your choosing. I know its a small thing, but I have a nasty pet peeve about games that enforce the character's sexuality.

Stardew Valley is a simple, relaxing game that manages to be approachable without reducing its tone to that of a shrill idiot child, and that's exactly what I've been looking for lately. It feels good to play a game that delivers on its premise without being uncomfortable.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. Sorry for being gone for so long, but we are back with some new movies, and this week its some from our favorite genre: Crime. To the list!

1: Filth
I am a fan of Trainspotting  so I was looking forward to watching this one, forgetting one of the major reasons I flinch every time Trainspotting is mentioned. This is a heavy movie, decorated with some laughs. Don't get me wrong dear reader, its a great movie. I was just blindsided by how bleak it is, considering the tone at the beginning. Filth is about a cop trying to manipulate his way to a higher position in his department. He is tasked with leading an investigation into the murder of a man, all the while dealing with a very pronounced mental instability issue. James McAvoy is great in the lead role. His character is undeniably a monster, but McAvoy is so charismatic that you cannot help but want to like the guy, and even sympathize with him when certain shit goes down. Its a good movie, but don't expect it to walk away joyful. Watch it.

Eshi: Fuck, man. Filth has an emotional trajectory like an orbital bombardment. Beautiful and evocative as it is, the beauty is morbid and the main thing it evokes is discomfort. McAvoy is perfectly set up to leverage his charm against the loathsome and pitiful character he plays, and his vast cast of victims are just the right combination of helpless and confrontational. Filth, like Trainspotting, hurts to watch, but you can't help but appreciate it. Just maybe have something a little lighter hearted lined up for after.

2: Scarface
This movie could also be called "The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Tony Montana". Scarface is a movie about a Cuban immigrant working his way to the top of the drug underworld in 1980s Miami. The moral being ruthlessness will get you power, but in the end it is an empty existence. Creating a position for yourself at the top gives you a beautiful wife and a nice house, but its all shallow and unfulfilling. Al Pachino is, as always, great at playing slightly unstable, shouty characters; so this role was made for him. The movie is slow in places, but ultimately its is good, and a great example of character based drama. Its a good movie, and worth watching for the cultural impact factor alone.

Eshi: The fact that anyone admires Tony Montana shows a fundamental failing in our culture. Rule #4 was made for fuckers like him. Scarface is 2 hours and 50 minutes of a spectacular douchebag fucking over everyone he possibly can for like, no reason. I can't even fully convey what a colossal piece of shit this character is. He's like an onion made of the worst diarrhea you've ever had, layer upon layer of pain and disgust. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the movie, but only because I knew how it ended. Fuck this guy, and everyone who looks like him.

3: Horrible Bosses
Considering the tone of the first two movies this week we decided to close out with something fun. HB is about three friends who decide to kill their bosses because they are making work terrible. While that sounds harrowing, it is made less so by the people all being fucking terrible at the whole killing people thing. I love the cast, and they have great chemistry together. Charlie Day in particular stands out to me, but that's just because I wish he was in more stuff. This movie is fun, as long as you don't take it seriously at all. Watch it with some buddies while drinking and you will have a good time.

Eshi: After Filth and Scarface we needed a pretty strong palette cleanser and Horrible Bosses did the job well. The characters are well crafted to their roles and watching Charlie Day and friends fail their way to victory is a joy. Of course, I'd watch Charlie Day shit furtively into a box if he got to write it himself. My only regret about this movie is that they made another one; which is a sentence I find myself using too often for comfort these days. Definitely give this one a try, preferably whilst intoxicated and certainly with friends.  

I Dare You M. Night

I goddamn loath M. Night Shyamalan. Not like I hate J.J. Abrams and Joss Whedon, for genius abused. No, I hate Shyamalan for genius avoided. M. Night has the potential to be the greatest B movie director of all time. Its something that Brian and I talked about a little while ago that has stuck in the deepest place in my craw, because I kinda love B movies and his premises are perfect for the medium. So I've taken it upon myself to right this wrong and set the world right... re-imagining his movies as intentionally bad, instead of just depressing. Starting with The Village

The actual premise of this movie is an 18th century village is accosted by weird fucking werewolf monsters. The twist is that the monsters are really the village elders in costumes who founded the village to escape modern life and exercise their creepily elaborate history professor social experiment. In my version its an 18th century village being accosted by weird fucking werewolf monsters, but the twist is that the werewolves are actually the village elders in bad wigs, who founded the village to escape actual werewolves and exercise their creepily elaborate history professor sexual fantasies. Then at the end M. Night could get torn apart amidst a poorly choreographed werewolf/ history professor blood orgy. Actually, the whole movie could just be Shyamalan being slowly torn apart by people in tweed jackets and furry gloves and I'd pay to see it.

Mounting Mythical Monsters vol. 1: Manticores

Hokay. So I survived getting my face cored and now I'm a functional invalid for the better part of a month. That's fine and dandy but today I'd like to talk about why you should fuck a Manticore. Now, obviously there's the bragging rights that come along with sexually satisfying a murderous beast out of legend, but you've gotta look past that. Manticores aren't like the drunk chimera who volunteered for the frat party, they aren't going to get on board with your frivolous pride. You've gotta be respectful. Classy. Woo your quarry. You don't want to just sidle up and get to work, you'll get a barbed tail right to the grundle. Nobody wants that. So take your time and do it right.

As for why, lets start with the big ones. Three words: Magic. Fucking. Powers. That's right, its a little known fact that the orgasmic excretions of the adult Manticore contain several strains of STPs, or sexually transmitted powers. They change from beast to beast so you might get flight and the ability to control marsupials with your mind, or you might end up with the ability to summon tiny demons to rend the flesh from your foes. Kind of a mixed bag but magic powers are magic powers, take what you can get.

Secondly, their genitals are amazing. Soft in all the right places, firm yet supple. Interestingly laid out. You're never gonna get bored of Manticore bits. Not to mention they taste like fresh apples. Fuji on the females, macintosh on the males. Its great.

The third reason is a bit more nuanced. See, Manticores mate for life, but they have a genetic appreciation for polyamory. This means that while your new monstrous Persian fuck buddy will never leave you, should you decide you want to throw down with that hot Sphinx up the street, your Manticore is probably gonna be down. I mean they'll want to watch but trust me that just makes it better.

Finally, if you fuck a Manticore you naturally obtain a Manticore mount. Lets face it, if you're trying to ride a Manticore you want to ride a Manticore, which is good 'cause they're into it. The practicality of having an intimate relationship with your mode of transportation, especially when that transportation consists of a mythical winged lion with a big ass scorpion tail, can't be overstated. Traffic stops being a problem immediately, road rage has a way of taking care of itself suddenly, and seriously no one is going to get away with stealing your new ride.

So find yourself a Manticore and put in the work, its a tricky business but its well worth the effort. Just remember, they aren't great at oral sex. Three rows of razor sharp teeth does not make for a very friendly nibble.