Alright, two consecutive weeks. I can do this. Probably. This week we have a very special sponsor: The vast, inconceivable reaches of the multiverse. NNUNPILN PIYBYUNPSXBOU YBPUN PXBUNON PNPCUIUNPAX UPAUNXIUBNP PIUNAXO IUAXBIUNPX PUNUB UBUBXNUUPB HYPJB YWIHXO IIA!!!
The child led us for what felt like hours, though there was no change in the quality of the light in the dismal, muculent shade of the deep jungle. After a time the boy stopped and waited for the whole of our party to gather to him. When we had all assembled he looked to each of us in turn and, being very slow and precise in his movements that we not misinterpret, he put his finger to his lips, then pointed first to the sky then to the ground. Then he put both of his hands to his heart and closed his eyes with a look of pained longing I did not imagine such a young face to be capable of. He opened his eyes, now wet with tears, and once again bid us quiet. Patrick and I looked to our companions and did our best to reinforce the seriousness of the boy's warning before nodding and encouraging him to lead on.
The entire atmosphere of the forest curdled as we pressed on. Cramped trails through a crushing monotony of green gave way to broad thoroughfares of immense alabaster trees carved to show the face of some twisted nightmare howling in rage or pain and seeping a fetid black sap. One of our party stifled a scream only to faint staring into the eyes of one of the nearby totems. I looked upon it and saw what had upset my compatriot. The wood of the tree was pink, as the letters had declared, but it was the pink of bloodless flesh and the tar that issued from it seemed to still be climbing toward the canopy, as though even gravity held no sway over it. Worse still was the soft howling filling the copse despite the wretched stillness that filled it. As though the trees needed no wind to moan here.
We collected our fallen ally and steeled ourselves for what must await us beyond the clearing. Our young guide waited for us to rally before setting off at a brisk pace. The wailing of the wood changed tones disconcertingly as we passed through it, starting as a low groan and building to an atonal cry before dropping to an eerie high hum. As we trudged on a powerful dread grew in my heart and I swear I heard teeth gnashing behind those horrid faces. We were fortunate that the path was short and the village was near, as after a few minutes of determined marching we passed through a dense thicket of brush and into the settlement beyond.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Friday, December 18, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we decided to watch movies dealing with deep horror. Horror beyond words, if you will. All of us here are are big fans of this kind of horror and the interesting madness that follows it. This week was dark and full of terror. To the list!
1: Pandorum
Pandorum is about how feeling the emptiness of the universe can drive people mad. In the movie, the characters talk about a syndrome called pandorum, which affects people who go into deep space. It causes them to go crazy and experience extreme paranoia. The movie opens with a ship sent into deep space to colonize a planet and reveals that during their journey, Earth was wiped out due to an unknown cause. The main character of the movie wakes up from cryo sleep an indeterminate amount of time after the news arrived at the ship, and the ship has gone to hell. Its up to him and his lieutenant to turn on the ship's power to find out what the hell happened. Pandorum has some great atmosphere and is good at making characters feel like they are alone in the universe. The movie gets a little actiony after the first act, and I think it suffers for that reason. A film with the same basic story but without the monsters would have been great for atmosphere and tension, but it could have been a little boring, so I see why they didn't do it. I feel like, without monsters, it could have explored the theme that Pandorum tried to explore a little better (we are alone in the universe and that is fucking scary). The cast is good, and I like the way they handled the encroaching madness of the main character. Its a good action oriented horror movie, watch it.
Eshi: I enjoy Pandorum, scary space shit brings me great joy, but it has the most superfluous love story ever. I'm not even being hyperbolic, the love subplot is so meaningless that not only does it have no bearing whatsoever on the story, it almost isn't a part of the film. It might actually serve to be shitty emotional manipulation if it ever really made an effort to make the audience give a fuck. Fortunately, as I said, it isn't even really a thing, so the general badassitude of the rest of the movie doesn't suffer much for it. Denis Quaid plays fucked up almost as well as his brother Randy is fucked up in real life. Ben Foster is a dandy protagonist and Norman Reedus is tragically wasted. What do you want here? Its a space thriller, just go watch it.
2: Infini
Infini is very similar to Pandorum. Once again we deal with monsters in deep space, though this time its a little more direct at the beginning of the movie. Infini is an outpost in the furtest reaches of space that the main character is forced to go to, to avoid being killed by a team that was sent their previously who returned all murder crazy from their mission. Another team is sent in to rescue the main character and turn off a machine on Infini that would be sending volatile material to Earth. The film explores humanity's interaction with itself and with beings that are far beyond the scope of human understanding. Its an interesting movie, though I don't think it explores this theme enough, and chooses to explore the murder-crazy aspect a little too hard. It gets some significant credit for one aspect though: time dilation is a major plot point (something that a lot of Sci Fi movies ignore). The rescue team finds the main character almost immediately and they shut off the device soon after, but they have to wait for Earth to start the procedure to teleport them all back, which takes less than a minute on Earth, but 8 hours on Infini. This creates some great tension, and raises the stakes while still being plausible. The ending leaves something to be desired, but doesn't ruin the movie.
Eshi: It amuses me how many movies seem to play as "space makes people grumpy" as a plot point. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot to be grumpy about in movies that use that trope, but it seems overplayed. Infini does kinda cover some new ground, or at least go a different direction than Pandorum, but not by as much as I'd like. There are two bits of plot that I really dug; the interplay between Whit and Chester is a lot of fun, and then they abort a fetus, for good reason even, without being too painfully hand wringy about it. I really enjoyed both Pandorum and Infini, but, uh... maybe don't chain watch these ones.
3: Pontypool
Pontypool is a hard movie to talk about without giving spoilers so I will try to avoid them. Its a zombie movie with non standard zombies which spread, not with a normal virus, but via a conceptual one. Basically it is a horror movie that takes an aspect of humanity, language, and makes it our worst enemy. This is a bottle movie, much like the other two, but this time its on Earth (in Canada to be more precise). Bottle movies are a great way to do horror because it makes the possibility of just running the fuck away impossible. The cast is good, and its shot well. Its a fun movie, watch it.
Eshi: Just fucking watch this one. Its spectacularly shot, the plot is surprisingly tight for how little Oh Shit there is, and the tension is oppressive. Fuck yeah, that is all.
1: Pandorum
Pandorum is about how feeling the emptiness of the universe can drive people mad. In the movie, the characters talk about a syndrome called pandorum, which affects people who go into deep space. It causes them to go crazy and experience extreme paranoia. The movie opens with a ship sent into deep space to colonize a planet and reveals that during their journey, Earth was wiped out due to an unknown cause. The main character of the movie wakes up from cryo sleep an indeterminate amount of time after the news arrived at the ship, and the ship has gone to hell. Its up to him and his lieutenant to turn on the ship's power to find out what the hell happened. Pandorum has some great atmosphere and is good at making characters feel like they are alone in the universe. The movie gets a little actiony after the first act, and I think it suffers for that reason. A film with the same basic story but without the monsters would have been great for atmosphere and tension, but it could have been a little boring, so I see why they didn't do it. I feel like, without monsters, it could have explored the theme that Pandorum tried to explore a little better (we are alone in the universe and that is fucking scary). The cast is good, and I like the way they handled the encroaching madness of the main character. Its a good action oriented horror movie, watch it.
Eshi: I enjoy Pandorum, scary space shit brings me great joy, but it has the most superfluous love story ever. I'm not even being hyperbolic, the love subplot is so meaningless that not only does it have no bearing whatsoever on the story, it almost isn't a part of the film. It might actually serve to be shitty emotional manipulation if it ever really made an effort to make the audience give a fuck. Fortunately, as I said, it isn't even really a thing, so the general badassitude of the rest of the movie doesn't suffer much for it. Denis Quaid plays fucked up almost as well as his brother Randy is fucked up in real life. Ben Foster is a dandy protagonist and Norman Reedus is tragically wasted. What do you want here? Its a space thriller, just go watch it.
2: Infini
Infini is very similar to Pandorum. Once again we deal with monsters in deep space, though this time its a little more direct at the beginning of the movie. Infini is an outpost in the furtest reaches of space that the main character is forced to go to, to avoid being killed by a team that was sent their previously who returned all murder crazy from their mission. Another team is sent in to rescue the main character and turn off a machine on Infini that would be sending volatile material to Earth. The film explores humanity's interaction with itself and with beings that are far beyond the scope of human understanding. Its an interesting movie, though I don't think it explores this theme enough, and chooses to explore the murder-crazy aspect a little too hard. It gets some significant credit for one aspect though: time dilation is a major plot point (something that a lot of Sci Fi movies ignore). The rescue team finds the main character almost immediately and they shut off the device soon after, but they have to wait for Earth to start the procedure to teleport them all back, which takes less than a minute on Earth, but 8 hours on Infini. This creates some great tension, and raises the stakes while still being plausible. The ending leaves something to be desired, but doesn't ruin the movie.
Eshi: It amuses me how many movies seem to play as "space makes people grumpy" as a plot point. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot to be grumpy about in movies that use that trope, but it seems overplayed. Infini does kinda cover some new ground, or at least go a different direction than Pandorum, but not by as much as I'd like. There are two bits of plot that I really dug; the interplay between Whit and Chester is a lot of fun, and then they abort a fetus, for good reason even, without being too painfully hand wringy about it. I really enjoyed both Pandorum and Infini, but, uh... maybe don't chain watch these ones.
3: Pontypool
Pontypool is a hard movie to talk about without giving spoilers so I will try to avoid them. Its a zombie movie with non standard zombies which spread, not with a normal virus, but via a conceptual one. Basically it is a horror movie that takes an aspect of humanity, language, and makes it our worst enemy. This is a bottle movie, much like the other two, but this time its on Earth (in Canada to be more precise). Bottle movies are a great way to do horror because it makes the possibility of just running the fuck away impossible. The cast is good, and its shot well. Its a fun movie, watch it.
Eshi: Just fucking watch this one. Its spectacularly shot, the plot is surprisingly tight for how little Oh Shit there is, and the tension is oppressive. Fuck yeah, that is all.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Ho Shit! Its Brennan & Smythe!
I think it should be clear by now that the sponsors for these are meaningless. I'd rather smoke than drink, Murphey's Law pretty much only kicks in for me when I find it theatrically interesting and clearly I've no intention of getting my shit together. Which brings us to today's sponsor!
It was there for you when you decided to stand up to your asshole boss. When you were an infant and the whole world was new and fascinating, it held you up above your parents and their friends. Every time you've had to choose between what You wanted and what They wanted from you, it had your back. Not Giving a Fuck. Because its not the end of the fucking world.
Consciousness returned dragging agony behind it. I felt as though the shriek had shaken something loose from my essence, in addition to ringing my skeleton like a tuning fork. Once I had managed to convince my eyes to focus, the ache in my bones settled into my wrists and shoulders, where I'd apparently been bound. The camp lay completely undisturbed, though all of my companions were similarly disabled. Patrick, having unsurprisingly beaten me to alertness, sat struggling across the campfire from me. Between the two of us we managed to loose our bonds and set to work freeing our compatriots in short order.
My assertion that our things had been left unmolested proved wrong when, upon checking our packs, we all found a small stone talisman resting atop our belongings. Fortunately, the markings on the talisman proved quite familiar. I had, in fact, had the same mark inked into my forearm after it had proven both quite legitimate and incredibly useful when we'd first encountered it some years ago in Paraguay. Either our assailants had accidentally all dropped their own protection carefully into our closed packs, or these people did not wish harm upon us. The symbol could mean something else to these people, but given it's intricate detail and the general disconcerting similarity amongst the cults we'd investigated so far, I was willing to wager on our safety.
I asked the young Englishwoman we'd conscripted as our interpreter to loudly and clearly express our peaceful intent to the jungle at large, of the mind that whomever had accosted us was also likely keeping us under surveillance. Sure enough, not five minutes had passed before a small child strode into the camp to lead us (presumably) to his people.
It was there for you when you decided to stand up to your asshole boss. When you were an infant and the whole world was new and fascinating, it held you up above your parents and their friends. Every time you've had to choose between what You wanted and what They wanted from you, it had your back. Not Giving a Fuck. Because its not the end of the fucking world.
Consciousness returned dragging agony behind it. I felt as though the shriek had shaken something loose from my essence, in addition to ringing my skeleton like a tuning fork. Once I had managed to convince my eyes to focus, the ache in my bones settled into my wrists and shoulders, where I'd apparently been bound. The camp lay completely undisturbed, though all of my companions were similarly disabled. Patrick, having unsurprisingly beaten me to alertness, sat struggling across the campfire from me. Between the two of us we managed to loose our bonds and set to work freeing our compatriots in short order.
My assertion that our things had been left unmolested proved wrong when, upon checking our packs, we all found a small stone talisman resting atop our belongings. Fortunately, the markings on the talisman proved quite familiar. I had, in fact, had the same mark inked into my forearm after it had proven both quite legitimate and incredibly useful when we'd first encountered it some years ago in Paraguay. Either our assailants had accidentally all dropped their own protection carefully into our closed packs, or these people did not wish harm upon us. The symbol could mean something else to these people, but given it's intricate detail and the general disconcerting similarity amongst the cults we'd investigated so far, I was willing to wager on our safety.
I asked the young Englishwoman we'd conscripted as our interpreter to loudly and clearly express our peaceful intent to the jungle at large, of the mind that whomever had accosted us was also likely keeping us under surveillance. Sure enough, not five minutes had passed before a small child strode into the camp to lead us (presumably) to his people.
Friday, December 11, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we decided to do another director theme week and went with Sam Raimi. Sam Raimi is famous for his horror, (particularly the Evil Dead franchise) and Spider-man movies and this week we decided to go with a horror movie version of a super hero, a movie where everyone makes the wrong decisions constantly, and a movie about an unwilling psychic detective. I love Sam Raimi's work for the most part because he is good at making the world just a little bit odd in his way (usually via delightfully over the top special effects). Anyway, to the list!
1:Darkman
Darkman is a movie about why confirming your kill is important, especially if you are a sadistic, evil, motherfucker. Darkman is a superhero who is unable to feel any pain after a non-consensual experiment to save his life after his lab is blown up by a bunch of drug dealers who are trying to get incriminating evidence that was left there by Darkman's SO. Darkman decides that he should avenge himself and his lab assistant by murdering all those involved, either directly or by copying their face (via a machine he was working on in his lab that creates skin to help burn victims) and setting them up to fail at not being fragged by their buddies. Its a good movie about an antihero who just stops caring if he can come back from his fall. I love Sam Raimi for the special effects in this movie. Its so fucking good to see a skeletal hand type on a keyboard when it is not made of CGI. It looked fantastic. Raimi is also a great director for this type of movie, and manages to get the most out of his actors when he needs them to portray their characters as acted by Darkman. Liam Neeson seems a little wasted for a lot of this movie, what with other actors playing his part for half the movie. But I digress, its a fun movie and well worth the watch.
Eshi: Man for movie starring Liam Neeson there is really not a lot of him in this. Even when he isn't "impersonating" someone else, half the stunt scenes where Bruce Campbell doing a hilarious Liam Neeson impression. Really, Neeson is only ever on screen so we can see his face melt, which seems morbid. That said, it was pretty damn good. Nobody manages the line between the uncanny valley and the camp-ass hill quite like Sam Raimi.
2:A Simple Plan
A Simple Plan is about 3 guys driving in the boonies when they stumble across a crashed plane full of money and decide to split it up. This goes about about as well as you could imagine. I don't want to steal Eshi's thunder to much, but as we watched this movie he mentioned that it should be called "Bad Decisions: The Movie" and I couldn't agree more. Greed has a way of making people act stupidly and this move embodies that. The cast is good, but to no one's surprise, Billy Bob Thornton stands out. His character has the most depth of any in the film, partially because he is constantly being forced into situations he doesn't want to be in by other people, and partially because Thornton is a fantastic actor. Raimi's direction is good, he gets a lot out of his actors, particularly in the soul crushing ending. I have wanted to see more Noir lately and this movie fills that gap nicely. The Femme Fatale is particularly well done. I would like to see Raimi do more noir. Its a good movie, watch it.
Eshi: There are just so many terrible people in this fucking movie. BBT's character is just kind of an idiot, makes a bad decision and spends the rest of the story getting dragged into further stupidity. Bridget Fonda's character is just straight up evil at pretty much every opportunity and Bill Paxton is a weird combination of spineless and unnecessarily extreme. Brent Briscoe plays That Guy and Rule # 4 gets put off for too long. I agree with Brian that I'd like to see Sam Raimi do more Noir because, as with all good Noir, the fact that everyone is fucking awful doesn't meaningfully detract from the film.
3:The Gift
The Gift is about a woman with psychic powers helping the police to find a woman after she goes missing. When the evidence puts the wrong man in jail, she continues to try to find out who the real killer is using her powers. Cate Blanchett was great as the leading actor of this movie, she adds a lot of depth to a character that could have been kind of flat. Also, I don't know if I have ever wanted to see a Keanu Reeves character get murdered more than his racist, wife beating character in this movie. Sam Raimi dips a little into his Horror roots with some of the stuff, and it pays off well. Its pretty good, and lent some odd context to something I saw a while ago.
Eshi: Keanu Redneck is the worst Keanu. The fact that his character isn't subject to glorious shotgun violence is an affront to decency. Also, Zener cards =/= Tarot cards, no matter how apt you try to make the squiggly one. Katie Holmes is unnecessary, which isn't a good trait for the corpse in a murder mystery. I enjoyed The Gift, albeit grudgingly, and much of that joy derives from Giovani Ribisi's character. Don't rent it, even if you couldn't get it on Netflix.
1:Darkman
Darkman is a movie about why confirming your kill is important, especially if you are a sadistic, evil, motherfucker. Darkman is a superhero who is unable to feel any pain after a non-consensual experiment to save his life after his lab is blown up by a bunch of drug dealers who are trying to get incriminating evidence that was left there by Darkman's SO. Darkman decides that he should avenge himself and his lab assistant by murdering all those involved, either directly or by copying their face (via a machine he was working on in his lab that creates skin to help burn victims) and setting them up to fail at not being fragged by their buddies. Its a good movie about an antihero who just stops caring if he can come back from his fall. I love Sam Raimi for the special effects in this movie. Its so fucking good to see a skeletal hand type on a keyboard when it is not made of CGI. It looked fantastic. Raimi is also a great director for this type of movie, and manages to get the most out of his actors when he needs them to portray their characters as acted by Darkman. Liam Neeson seems a little wasted for a lot of this movie, what with other actors playing his part for half the movie. But I digress, its a fun movie and well worth the watch.
Eshi: Man for movie starring Liam Neeson there is really not a lot of him in this. Even when he isn't "impersonating" someone else, half the stunt scenes where Bruce Campbell doing a hilarious Liam Neeson impression. Really, Neeson is only ever on screen so we can see his face melt, which seems morbid. That said, it was pretty damn good. Nobody manages the line between the uncanny valley and the camp-ass hill quite like Sam Raimi.
2:A Simple Plan
A Simple Plan is about 3 guys driving in the boonies when they stumble across a crashed plane full of money and decide to split it up. This goes about about as well as you could imagine. I don't want to steal Eshi's thunder to much, but as we watched this movie he mentioned that it should be called "Bad Decisions: The Movie" and I couldn't agree more. Greed has a way of making people act stupidly and this move embodies that. The cast is good, but to no one's surprise, Billy Bob Thornton stands out. His character has the most depth of any in the film, partially because he is constantly being forced into situations he doesn't want to be in by other people, and partially because Thornton is a fantastic actor. Raimi's direction is good, he gets a lot out of his actors, particularly in the soul crushing ending. I have wanted to see more Noir lately and this movie fills that gap nicely. The Femme Fatale is particularly well done. I would like to see Raimi do more noir. Its a good movie, watch it.
Eshi: There are just so many terrible people in this fucking movie. BBT's character is just kind of an idiot, makes a bad decision and spends the rest of the story getting dragged into further stupidity. Bridget Fonda's character is just straight up evil at pretty much every opportunity and Bill Paxton is a weird combination of spineless and unnecessarily extreme. Brent Briscoe plays That Guy and Rule # 4 gets put off for too long. I agree with Brian that I'd like to see Sam Raimi do more Noir because, as with all good Noir, the fact that everyone is fucking awful doesn't meaningfully detract from the film.
3:The Gift
The Gift is about a woman with psychic powers helping the police to find a woman after she goes missing. When the evidence puts the wrong man in jail, she continues to try to find out who the real killer is using her powers. Cate Blanchett was great as the leading actor of this movie, she adds a lot of depth to a character that could have been kind of flat. Also, I don't know if I have ever wanted to see a Keanu Reeves character get murdered more than his racist, wife beating character in this movie. Sam Raimi dips a little into his Horror roots with some of the stuff, and it pays off well. Its pretty good, and lent some odd context to something I saw a while ago.
Eshi: Keanu Redneck is the worst Keanu. The fact that his character isn't subject to glorious shotgun violence is an affront to decency. Also, Zener cards =/= Tarot cards, no matter how apt you try to make the squiggly one. Katie Holmes is unnecessary, which isn't a good trait for the corpse in a murder mystery. I enjoyed The Gift, albeit grudgingly, and much of that joy derives from Giovani Ribisi's character. Don't rent it, even if you couldn't get it on Netflix.
Friday, December 4, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This weeks theme has a bit of a backstory. For the past few weeks we have been watching a lot of James Bond films because Eshi and his SO haven't seen a lot of them, so we decided to watch a bunch because they are fun. This got us in the mood to watch some of the good spy comedy movies, Austin Powers. So this week we watched all three, so lets get to the list.
1: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Austin Powers is a classic spoof of James Bond. There are some great references to the original movies and it has some fun poking at itself. The movie is about a villain freezing himself in the 60s to attack the world in the future when Austin Powers wouldn't be around. Austin decides to freeze himself to be revived when the world needs him again. In 1997 Dr. Evil returns to hold the world hostage and Austin gets revived to fight him. Its a fun movie with a great tongue in cheek way of pointing out how James Bond is a relic of a different time that needs to change to be relevant again. Mike Myers has a good sense of humor, and watching him run around as caricatures of Bond tropes is a good time. I also love the idea behind Seth Green's character. Myers has always been good at spoofing stuff and this movie might be the pinnacle of that. The problem with spoofs though, is that it is hard to tell when a problem with the movie is a commentary on the subject or just a shitty move by the director. The one that stands out the most to me from all three movies is how the Bond Girl analogs don't seem into the movie, they just seem to be there to be eye candy. I felt the same way about most of the actual Bond Girls as well so I don't know if it is intentional or not. Regardless it is a fun movie, and if you are a fan of James Bond you'll probably get a kick.
Eshi: Dr. Evil is unequivocally the best Bond villain, and there was a movie where 007 fights goddamn Christopher Walken. The slavish playing to tropes combined with the casual disregard for reality highlights the complete scope of personality required in a Bondian antagonist and I fucking love it. There are a good number of fun cameos in this one, including Will Farrell. Really all of the Austin Powers movies are pretty much what you'd expect; cheesy, fun romps about an anachronistic fuck machine who, on occasion, saves the world. Though I would recommend against a sober viewing
2: Austin Powers: The Spy Who shagged me
I think this movie is the best of the three. Dr Evil is back and goes back in time to steal Austin Power's "Mojo". Austin goes back in time to get his mojo back and stop Dr Evil's plan to blow up cities with his giant moon laser. As this movie deals with time travel, shit should get complicated, but the movie knows that this aspect shouldn't be taken seriously, and just tells you that straight to your face. This little joke is my favorite part of the series because it tells you what the series is all about: Just have a good time watching this fun film we have made. Myers is fun to watch again, just like in the first film. I prefer Heather Graham to Elizabeth Hurley, but only because she appears to have more fun with her role, and the introduction of Fat Bastard leads to some fun scenes. All in all I think it is a more competent movie because they don't have to spend so much time on fish out of water jokes like they did in the first movie. Mini Me is also a very funny addition, and makes the movie different enough from the first one to warrant a watch.
Eshi: I don't know if its intentional, but I really dislike all the female characters in these movies. Elizabeth Hurley was kinda wooden, but she seemed like she was supposed to be. Heather Graham
always looks kinda surprised to me, which is off-putting, and Beyonce frankly just seemed disappointed in herself. As usual Seth Green is fun as fuck and he has pretty solid chemistry with Myers. Really my only issue with this movie is Fat Bastard. He represents the cheapest, laziest fucking writing and his character is both fundamentally insulting and kinda superfluous to the plot, and keep in mind, this is the movie where he is the entire narrative drive. Other than that though, fuck yeah. Space lasers, spy fucking, and a dwarf, what's not to like?
3: Austin Powers in Goldmember
This is a strange movie. Once again I am unsure if the spoof is that this is supposed to be a Hollywood sellout movie, or if its just a Hollywood sellout movie. I have the feeling that is spoofing, but also taking advantage of being able to do it. This movie feels like it lost the heart of the original and its sequel. It seems like something that didn't want to be made. This time Dr. Evil goes back in time to get another evil villain to help him destroy the world, and its up to Austin Powers and Beyonce to stop him. The new character that Myers plays in this movie is the best part of it. Goldmember is a dutch version of Auric Goldfinger from the movie Goldfinger and is funny, but not enough to save the film. To be honest you could skip this movie and it wouldn't matter at all. There are a few very funny moments, but not enough to warrant watching it for them alone. I wouldn't suggest watching it unless you absolutely need to see more Austin Powers
Eshi: Ugh, to paraphrase the highly talented Soren Bowie, my arm is not long enough for the jerk off motion that this fucking thing inspires in my soul. It's trying to hard, which might be okay if it had any idea what it was doing. But fucking no. They half-assedly try to nest the story in a shitty blockbuster of itself strictly so they can pad their stupid cameo list. The world did not need Screwloose Von Middletooth to be Austin Powers for eight seconds. Fat Bastard is still repellent, Seth Green is still underutilized, and Mike Myers plays too many fucking characters. Don't bother, we only did because we're both compulsive completionists, and it still took us all week to gather the requisite fucks to rent the fucking thing.
1: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Austin Powers is a classic spoof of James Bond. There are some great references to the original movies and it has some fun poking at itself. The movie is about a villain freezing himself in the 60s to attack the world in the future when Austin Powers wouldn't be around. Austin decides to freeze himself to be revived when the world needs him again. In 1997 Dr. Evil returns to hold the world hostage and Austin gets revived to fight him. Its a fun movie with a great tongue in cheek way of pointing out how James Bond is a relic of a different time that needs to change to be relevant again. Mike Myers has a good sense of humor, and watching him run around as caricatures of Bond tropes is a good time. I also love the idea behind Seth Green's character. Myers has always been good at spoofing stuff and this movie might be the pinnacle of that. The problem with spoofs though, is that it is hard to tell when a problem with the movie is a commentary on the subject or just a shitty move by the director. The one that stands out the most to me from all three movies is how the Bond Girl analogs don't seem into the movie, they just seem to be there to be eye candy. I felt the same way about most of the actual Bond Girls as well so I don't know if it is intentional or not. Regardless it is a fun movie, and if you are a fan of James Bond you'll probably get a kick.
Eshi: Dr. Evil is unequivocally the best Bond villain, and there was a movie where 007 fights goddamn Christopher Walken. The slavish playing to tropes combined with the casual disregard for reality highlights the complete scope of personality required in a Bondian antagonist and I fucking love it. There are a good number of fun cameos in this one, including Will Farrell. Really all of the Austin Powers movies are pretty much what you'd expect; cheesy, fun romps about an anachronistic fuck machine who, on occasion, saves the world. Though I would recommend against a sober viewing
2: Austin Powers: The Spy Who shagged me
I think this movie is the best of the three. Dr Evil is back and goes back in time to steal Austin Power's "Mojo". Austin goes back in time to get his mojo back and stop Dr Evil's plan to blow up cities with his giant moon laser. As this movie deals with time travel, shit should get complicated, but the movie knows that this aspect shouldn't be taken seriously, and just tells you that straight to your face. This little joke is my favorite part of the series because it tells you what the series is all about: Just have a good time watching this fun film we have made. Myers is fun to watch again, just like in the first film. I prefer Heather Graham to Elizabeth Hurley, but only because she appears to have more fun with her role, and the introduction of Fat Bastard leads to some fun scenes. All in all I think it is a more competent movie because they don't have to spend so much time on fish out of water jokes like they did in the first movie. Mini Me is also a very funny addition, and makes the movie different enough from the first one to warrant a watch.
Eshi: I don't know if its intentional, but I really dislike all the female characters in these movies. Elizabeth Hurley was kinda wooden, but she seemed like she was supposed to be. Heather Graham
always looks kinda surprised to me, which is off-putting, and Beyonce frankly just seemed disappointed in herself. As usual Seth Green is fun as fuck and he has pretty solid chemistry with Myers. Really my only issue with this movie is Fat Bastard. He represents the cheapest, laziest fucking writing and his character is both fundamentally insulting and kinda superfluous to the plot, and keep in mind, this is the movie where he is the entire narrative drive. Other than that though, fuck yeah. Space lasers, spy fucking, and a dwarf, what's not to like?
3: Austin Powers in Goldmember
This is a strange movie. Once again I am unsure if the spoof is that this is supposed to be a Hollywood sellout movie, or if its just a Hollywood sellout movie. I have the feeling that is spoofing, but also taking advantage of being able to do it. This movie feels like it lost the heart of the original and its sequel. It seems like something that didn't want to be made. This time Dr. Evil goes back in time to get another evil villain to help him destroy the world, and its up to Austin Powers and Beyonce to stop him. The new character that Myers plays in this movie is the best part of it. Goldmember is a dutch version of Auric Goldfinger from the movie Goldfinger and is funny, but not enough to save the film. To be honest you could skip this movie and it wouldn't matter at all. There are a few very funny moments, but not enough to warrant watching it for them alone. I wouldn't suggest watching it unless you absolutely need to see more Austin Powers
Eshi: Ugh, to paraphrase the highly talented Soren Bowie, my arm is not long enough for the jerk off motion that this fucking thing inspires in my soul. It's trying to hard, which might be okay if it had any idea what it was doing. But fucking no. They half-assedly try to nest the story in a shitty blockbuster of itself strictly so they can pad their stupid cameo list. The world did not need Screwloose Von Middletooth to be Austin Powers for eight seconds. Fat Bastard is still repellent, Seth Green is still underutilized, and Mike Myers plays too many fucking characters. Don't bother, we only did because we're both compulsive completionists, and it still took us all week to gather the requisite fucks to rent the fucking thing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)