Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh, where this weeks theme was monster movies. I have loved monsters since I was a kid, and monster movies have always been some of my favorite, be it supernatural or Kaiju or something in between. We had a lot of fun this week, so without further ado, to the list!

1: Trollhunter
This is a great Norwegian film about a bunch of college students filming a documentary about bear poachers. Along the way they start to follow a suspected poacher only to find out that he is actually a troll hunter.  After this revelation, the group follows him to learn about trolls and get the word out about them. This movie is fantastic. I love the idea behind it, and the mythology they set up is super fun. The acting is good, and the trolls are well designed. The only problem I have with it is the shaky cam thing that all of the mockumentary monster/horror movies use for realism. Its not bad enough to make the movie unwatchable, it just makes a couple scenes odd, though they also do some fun stuff with it. I would go into that, but I don't want to spoil the movie. Watch it, its great.

Eshi: Trollhunter is everything I like to see in a monster movie. I dig that the trolls have always been a thing, people just don't believe in them. I enjoy the complexity of the world environment and the individuality of the trolls. I agree with Brian that the shaky cam shit is annoying but I've certainly seen worse. There are also some really beautiful shots of the Norwegian countryside, some of which are made metal as fuck by giant rampaging fucking monsters.

2: Thale
Another Norwegian film, though this one was shot for almost nothing. For a movie made for only $10,000 it is amazing, and even without knowing about the budget it was a good movie. Its a movie about a couple guys who clean houses after people die in them. The two main characters get called to a house out in the wilderness and start to clean it out when they stumble across a secret basement with a strange naked girl in a bathtub named Thale. Slowly they start to realize that she is not normal. The woman in the movie is a Hulder, a mythological being from Norwegian folk tales. I don't know a lot about the folklore behind the Hulder, so I can't speak to that, but the rest of the movie is cool. It feels like the setup to something bigger, as there is some underground organization hunting Thale, but it doesn't go to far into it. I found out that they are making a sequel, and I am looking forward to it. This isn't the best movie ever made, the dialog feels a little forced at times and switches gears very quickly from one topic to a completely different topic for like no reason. Other than that, its a good movie, and I hope that the sequel continues what this movie started.

Eshi: I was originally drawn to Thale because of my love for mythology, its pretty fucking difficult to find a good folklore based movie sometimes and Thale came in the midst of a dry spell for me. It delivered exceptionally. There are some pretty ham-fisted cliches but they manage to not actively detract from the film. I'm a bit giddy for the sequel.

3: The Host
This movie is a Korean movie about why industrial pollution in water is bad. It revolves around a mutated fish-monster that starts rampaging around the Han river in Seoul killing and capturing people. During its initial rampage it kidnaps a kid and apparently releases a virus that starts to contaminate the populous. The father of the girl it kidnaps starts to look for her along with her grandfather, aunt and uncle so that they can rescue her before the monster kills her. This movie shifts in tone a lot. It goes from silly to tense very quickly. I have a strange love for Korean movies. I don't think I have ever seen one that isn't a little sad in the end, and that's okay. This movie falls into that as well, but it wasn't bad. The Host was fun and tense and well worth watching. A couple bits of the story seemed a little odd, especially surrounding the story of the virus, but other than that it was a good movie. Watch it.

Eshi: This is the story of a starry-eyed giant fish-monkey trying to get by in a crazy, messed up world after being mutated by formaldehyde. There are very few actually serious moments in this film, and yet still no one can be happy. The prologue is pretty ridiculous, but not really that far out of tone from the rest of the movie. Also, the design for the monster is fucking bad ass, which is always high marks for a monster movie.

A Lot of People Watch American Idol, That Doesn't Make It Good.

Being the type of person I am I like to listen to people discuss a lot of topics. I believe that there is a lot of uncertainty in our world so I try to give multiple sides of an argument at least some credit. I am a firm believer in evolution, but I still listen to the reasons that creationists have problems with it. hearing dissenting opinions is a good thing because it forces you to justify why you believe what you believe.

Evidence is the key here. Statements alone don't hold a lot of sway for me. You can say that creationism is laughed out of academic circles before being examined, and that might be true, but unless I see evidence of this, I don't know if you are bullshitting or not.

My point is that evidence is the best way to make an argument. This makes the common practice of appealing to the popularity of an idea so fucked up. Instead of offering evidence people will say some number of people can't be wrong about something because so many people believe it (this is known as the bandwagon fallacy by the way). Its used a lot in commercials for restaurants or other subjective products, which might be the only place such rhetoric belongs. It is also used as evidence for moral or scientific beliefs, which is where I get frustrated.

A lot of people smoke crack, that doesn't mean its a good thing, it just means that a lot of people have a reason for smoking that crack rock. Dave Foley (one of my favorite comedic actors/comedians) makes this point rather well in his stand up act. The only thing that gives any sort of credence to religion is that a lot of people believe in it. If only one person believed in something like that they would seem crazy.

I am not saying that you should immediately assume that if a lot of people believe in some thing that they are all wrong, just don't except that alone as proof. If a lot of people believe something and all provide studies and evidence of why their beliefs are justified, and especially when its the job of the group of people you are talking about to know about the subject, then they would have a very strong argument (kinda like this).

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week Eshi and I decided that our theme was the Coen brothers. There were plenty of good movies to choose from. We have both seen a lot of them though so we went for movies that either one or both of us haven't seen. We ended up with some good stuff, so without further ado....To the list!

1: The Hudsucker Proxy
Despite sounding like a porno about computers and/or robots, this movie is actually about a company trying to tank its stock by hiring a buffoon as president so that they can buy the recently deceased president's shares in the company for cheap. I loved watching Tim Robbins as the aforementioned buffoon. He is instantly likable, as opposed to Paul Newman's character who is a sleazebag of biblical proportions. Jennifer Jason Leigh could also pull the fast talking 40's character like nobody's business and was super fun to listen to. There is a lot of interesting imagery of cycles. Robbin's character invents a hula hoop, which is a giant circle. He talks at one point about reincarnation and karma and how he hopes that he knew his love interest in a past life. Newman's character also talks about how he is going to resist the turning of the wheel of life (and ultimately fails because the wheel is so much bigger than he is, and has infinitely more momentum). This movie is well written and great at creating some very lovely shots, but it is far from perfect. I think the "magic black man" Moses was a little cringe worthy. He felt more like a caricature rather than a full character, and really only existed to dole out advice and play deus ex machina in the films climax, which is sad because it felt like a waste of Bill Cobbs. Other than that it is a good movie about power, and how it can be used to corrupt or improve the world, depending on the disposition of the person wielding it. Watch it.

Eshi: Jennifer Jason Leigh messed me up for this entire movie, the fast-talking newsie dame thing was weirdly distracting to me for some reason. Tim Robbins does the doe-eyed man-child really well and Paul Newman is great at being a douche bag. I agree with Brian that the Moses character was pretty fucking racist,  but its also not the first time Bill Cobbs has been a Magic Black Man. Its also got Bruce Campbell in it, so go watch it.

2: Barton Fink
This is a movie about a writer trying to work through a block after moving to LA to work for a studio. Its a great movie, the acting is great and the story has a great message. The movie could be summed up in one line from Judy Davis' character "empathy requires understanding". This movie was written by the Coens while they were in a writers block of their own with Miller's Crossing, and is about how getting trapped in one's own head can fuck with your perceptions of reality and other people. Fink constantly talks about how he is a man of the people, but when "the people" try to talk to him he ignores them, instead choosing to masturbate over his "art". John Goodman is great, and this movie makes me wish I had seen more of John Turturro's work (Look for it in coming weeks). You should watch it.

Eshi: Barton Fink is a conflicting character for me. On one hand, I get it. I've had that soul deep writers block that fucks up your whole sense of self. On the other hand, Barton Fink is just the fucking worst. He's narcissistic, self-righteous, and worst of all, he's a shitty friend. I love John Goodman's character and John Mahoney is fucking hysterical/tragic as shit as the drunken southern gentleman. Not the Coens' best work, but definitely enjoyable.

3:The Man Who Wasn't There
This is a dark, neo noir flick that got pretty bleak at times. Coen movies tend to be good at creating strange characters and deadpan humor, and this movie has some of the best of both worlds. I love Thornton, and this movie is one of the better roles that I have seen him in. The movie is about a blackmail scam that goes bad and hits all of the noir movie notes. Its got a great cast and is shot beautifully in black and white. This movie reminds me a little bit of The Big Lebowski (one of my favorite movies) in that its a noir, but also that it is about what the Dude's last line was all about. "The Dude abides". The main character is constantly living life via observation. When he figures out that his wife is cheating on him his response isn't anger, he just says "its a free country" and continues on. This movie focuses more on choices though and while some things are inevitable, how you get there is a direct cause of your choices. The main characters disposition reflects the idea that the world will march ever onward regardless of our input. Despite being dark, the movie is ultimately hopeful, and well worth a watch.

Eshi: This is a weighty film. It's humorous at times, and occasionally exciting, but for the most part it just kinda leans on you. Throughout I couldn't help but feel the accumulating pressure of the bad decisions dragging Billy Bob's character down. I dig Tony Shalhoub as the hyper confident lawyer, though I wasn't entirely moved by the somewhat creepy thing with Scarlet Johansson's character. I feel like this movie has more to offer than I picked up the first time through, so I'd say its worth at least one viewing.

Citation Needed Part DEUX

I enjoyed writing the post from a little bit ago I have decided to do it again. Here are some interesting facts I found from around the web:

1: Contrary to popular belief, bats are not blind. They can see, however everything is tinted blue.

2: The First person on record to have died of laughing was a Grecian cook named Skatáton Eaf̱tósas did so upon accidentally inventing the laxative at a baccanal.

3: Ecuador is the worlds top exporter of domesticated penguins.

4: There is a breed of jumping spider that can jump so high that it dies from the resulting fall. It is known as Salticidae Conscivit.

5: President John Quincy Adams once funded an expedition to meet the mole people who lived under the Earth's crust. The trade mission failed however as mole people refuse to do buisiness with bald people. They view them as cowards, who are not to be trusted (even their hair runs away).

6: The biggest cause of accidental death in offices is the copy machine. Workers will often try to photo copy their ass and break the glass inside, which can sever the femoral artery.

7: The orange paint used to create the makeup for the oompa loompas in the original Charlie And The Chocolate Factory permanently dyed the actors orange. 

8: Winston Churchill's last words were "I think I just shat on my knob".

9: Cats cannot perceive citrus odors.

10: All photographs of the Loch Ness Monster are fake as Nessie died fighting against British naval forces during Edward I's campaign to take Scotland in 1296 well before the invention of photography. The most famous photograph of "Nessie" is actually a photo of the Loch Oich monster who took up the reigns of Nessie after she died.

Decay Management

I have weird feelings about the concept of health. Don't get me wrong, not dieing is grand, I spend most of my time doing it, but there is a difference between wanting to lead a full life and frantically trying to avoid the looming spectre of entropy that shall lead us all one day into the Void. I'm not talking about the people who work out a couple of times a week, or jog to keep healthy and clear their head. I'm talking about the people who make "fitness" part of their identity, the people who try to keep up with what ever is passing for a healthy diet that day, people who seem to judge others for their prospective lifespan.

No one wins at life, not really. You might do well in a societal sense; monetary success, social standing, strong community presence, and those things are as good as any accomplishment. Then you die. We all die eventually, and other than the highly contextual impact on humankind in general and the very rare and probably temporary effect on the physical world we leave nothing behind except what we've done to those around us. This is a good thing, whether we want to admit it or not. At the very least our society wouldn't ever be able to hold up to the constant onslaught of "meaningful" lives. If everyone left a lasting imprint in society, or humanity, or nature we would be buried either in constant (probably conflicting) revolutionary changes or the ceaseless torrent of somehow crucial banality of billions of quiet lives slowly crushing the collective human soul with the sheer weight of its loss.

Some people forget this, or at least never really consider it. They fear carcinogens, they avoid "unhealthy" foods based on faddish buzzwords and misunderstood science. They shame and dehumanize people based on what they consider to be unhealthy. We've seen it happen to fat people, smokers, people who drink. Smokers I almost understand, second hand smoke can be pretty fucked up, its inflicting your vice on others which is not alright. Here's a list of things in second hand smoke, and here's what is in car exhaust, oh and here are some of the effects of being in the sun. No one gets out alive, really, most of us leave this place afraid and alone. When you face down that fact does it really matter to you how someone else gets through it as long as they aren't trying to hurt anyone else? It's all poison; some of it, like food, is poison that can keep you alive until it kills you. Some of it, like alcohol, is poison that can kill you faster, but might make all of the ridiculous bullshit we put each other through everyday a little easier to bear. We spend our entire lives walking into our graves so giving people shit for trying to enjoy the funeral march is pretty fucking low. Being healthy is great and all, but nothing gives you the right to be a dick.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome to another installment of Weekly Cinemeh. Last week we did horrible movies, and that made us feel bad. This week, we decided to find movies that correspond to the actors of the movies we watched last week, except for Plan 9, we watched a movie that had the same basic plot instead. To the list!

1: The Other Guys
This movie has Marky Mark playing a cop on the edge, though for different reasons than Max Payne. He is a cop that wants to be the action movie cop that runs around and kills bad guys from major criminal organizations. He is partnered with Will Ferrell, a straight lace cop that uses forensic accounting techniques instead of a gun to take out bad guys. Together these two try to uncover an investment scheme and distinguish themselves as policemen. Its a fun movie that loves to poke fun at cop movies, and the inconsistencies that are rampant in them. It not as good as Hot Fuzz in that regard, but that's because it also spends a lot of time focusing on white collar crime too, pointing out that companies do some very illegal actions, but are "too big to fail" so they can get away with stealing billions of dollars from the public. Its a little preachy about the second topic, but it is a topic that deserves to be forced down our throats since it was brought up in the news and no one did anything about it (that's a topic for another post >_<). Its funny, and the actors all appeared to be having a fun time. I love Michael Keaton in any comedic role, and I wish he was in more stuff. I also think that they should do a movie with Will Ferrel as a pimp, because that stuff was fun to watch. Give it a viewing if you get the chance, it will not disappoint.

Eshi: Our movies this week are bad at subtly but given the overall public apathy involved in the subject matter covered doesn't really grant any benefit from nuance. The Other Guys is really incisive in some weird ways, the commentary about how we think of police compared to what they ought to be, the examination of corporate malfeasance and irresponsibility, it even throws out a wink and a nudge about our misconceptions about love. It is the most serious not at all serious movie I've ever seen. It carries itself as a goofy, mediocre cop comedy, but is actually very well put together and holds up to closer inspection better than it has a right to. I was surprised, you will be too... Though less so now.

2: Lord Of War
Another preachy movie that deserves to be preachy. This one has Nick Cage playing an arms dealer and deals with how fucked up a profession that is. It also points out that the countries that are on the UN security council are the biggest exporters of weapons in the world. Its a fucked up situation, and this movie shows it from the perspective of someone who is familiar with it. I love the finale of the movie, it is poignant and makes up for some of the sloggy bits in the beginning of the movie. Nick Cage is fun to watch when he is in a good role and has fun with it. He has a campy way of acting that is a blast to watch, though when he tries to be campy in a campy role, over the top doesn't begin to describe it. I really like Eamonn Walker as Baptiste. He gets the charismatic and psychotic despot right in some very unsettling ways. You are never sure if he is about to kill everyone, which adds some good tension to the movie. Its a good movie, check it out.

Eshi: Lord of War is probably my favorite Nick Cage movie. Its not so much directly funny or dramatic, or really anything. It just kinda does its thing as you get to be there for it, and I always love it when a movie has the balls to just do its thing. Jared Leto was kind of a weird choice as the brother but he ends up making it land, he always fucking does. I really like Jared Leto, I really want to hate him but I think its probably jealousy. Pretty fucker with his fucking eyes... Anyway. LoW is insightful and engaging in ways that you wouldn't expect from a Nick Cage film. Do it.

3: The Day The Earth Stood Still
Our theme could have been movies with an obvious message this week, but I think that would have made them sound bad to some degree. Really, all the movies are good, and their messages deserve to be heard. This movie was our answer to Plan 9. We decided against another Ed Wood film mostly because his films are all rated poorly (even though they are fun to watch) and opted for something with the same message as Plan 9 but done well. TDTESS is a great movie. Its about an alien that arrives on Earth to deliver a message and how humans react to the idea. It is a good cold war movie, exposing how our squabbles over ideals were childish. Not all of the movie was great. Its special effects, while not shoddy, still leave something to be desired. Since the movie was made in 1951 and they didn't have a ton to work with anyway, I can't get to upset about that. I loved Michael Rennie as the alien Klaatu, he does a great job of looking slightly bemused at human attempts to be advanced as well as being intimidating when he needs to be. The movie's main point is that people are to easily scared of something new. They view it as dangerous, just because they don't understand it. The movie also does a good job of showing how mass media fucks with public perception of events. In almost every scene someone is talking about how on the news they heard that the alien is sinister so he must be. Its a really classy way of point out the problems with sensationalism. Its a good movie, go watch it.

Eshi: This movie is fucking great. Watching Klaatu shake his head knowingly ever five minutes is everything I've ever wanted for a first contact movie. I don't even want to talk about it. Go watch it and come back, we can gush over it together. Though there is one scene I wish they'd have swiped from Plan 9.

Eating 20 Chicken McNuggets isn't normal, but on McDonalds it is.

The world is a fucked up place. Its not fair, there are unreasonable expectations placed on people, jobs are almost universally fucking terrible, and the world doesn't often give people breaks (I mean the metaphorical world, not the planet). To make this weight a little lighter people indulge in a vice.

When I say vice I am sure most people think of drugs, sex, and alcohol. These are the traditional vices that oppose "virtues" but the idea that an action is inherently good or bad is stupid, so for my purposes I am hijacking the word. I would argue that this can be used to describe anything that people use to comfort themselves in the face of reality. I would include as vices food, video games, playing sports, watching sports, movies, and anything that takes away stress. Everyone indulges in something, which is why I find it fucked up that people judge others on that shit.

I am not a fan of sports, but I don't judge people negatively for being a fan of a team. It doesn't affect me, so why should I care. As long as your vice doesn't effect others, people shouldn't care. Porn made with people who didn't consent, that's fucked up and shouldn't be supported. Porn made with consenting adults who weren't coerced into consent? That's fine. Smoke weed? Don't drive and I have no problems with it. People who try to legislate against any kind of vice because of its misuse also legislate against proper use. This is a problem.

I know what some people will say about addiction, that's its a bad thing. I agree, but treating it like a crime, and not a health issue is a problem. I would bet money that people who get addicted and know they need help won't look for it because they are afraid of judgement about what they are addicted to. I am not saying that we should legalize all drugs (though if you want to end the illegal drug trade it would hurt them spectacularly) but at least don't stigmatize addiction and try to make a way for people to get treated without worrying about going to jail or facing charges related to it.

That's a topic that deserves its own post, so I will try to get back to my original point. Judging people for doing something that makes them feel better in general is fucked up. Everyone does something, the people who try to moralize it just like to feel superior about their chosen vice, be it God, the NFL, or McDonald's. We are all in the shit together, maybe stop trying to judge people for how they cope. It's only hurting people. 

Fuck You, You'll Read It

When I was a kid the only thing I ever really wanted was to have real, true love. I know its kinda weird to have a guy admit that but its true, and that goal has played a massive role in my life. I've always prioritized meaningful, intimate personal relationships over everything else; friends should be absolute confidants and partners should be nurtured and embraced as though they are part of the self. This makes me a support character in my own life, and I like it that way. I met the woman who was to be my wife when I was nineteen years old and once it became clear that that was how things were going down I wanted nothing more than to give my life supporting her in her pursuits. I love being a husband, being the support network for my wife, who I met when I was nineteen.

Complete and unconditional love is the only thing I've ever wanted and I got it before I was old enough to drink. How the fuck do you find a new ambition after that? What would be the point? I can (and have) make more friends, but the pressure to socialize is diminished in the face of the ongoing intergalactic genital high-five that is my wife. I could get really into a career if I really wanted to alienate my wife and betray every principle to which I've given myself. I know I sound like I'm bitching but I'm really not, its just struck me lately how awkward it is in our society to not really respect self-sufficiency or independence, which made me think about how I came to that place.

I don't value being independent because none of us really are, and the insidious lie that we are is the source of some very deep-seated issues. Self-sufficiency is just laughable as soon as you aren't completely alone, why work hard just to keep yourself going when a group cooperating provides for more people with less individual effort. The problem here arises from the fact that since I don't value those things I also don't understand a lot of the barriers people put up around themselves.

If there is a bullet point to take away from this its that I'm socially retarded and I don't fucking understand why you aren't, but I don't know. Fuck you, you read it.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week our theme was bad movies, because Eshi and I deserve to be punished for some reason. Not a lot to say, three bad movies that are some of the worst of the worst. Let the pain begin.

1: Max Payne
Ugh. I have never played a Max Payne game, so maybe I am missing context. Is everyone in those games morose, because I have never seen such a joyless movie. This movie isn't all bad, it was trying really hard to be an artsy action flick/neo noir, but the combination of a bad script and the curse of video game movies fucked it. MP is about a depressed cop whose family was murdered. He gets pulled into a case about drugs and violent murder, and needs to save the day while looking tortured. This movie is a good example of style over substance. Every character is one dimensional, the movie keeps trying to make allusions to Nordic mythology but gets the basic information wrong (Valkyries are used in the tripping scenes and they are all look like this because fuck you I guess), and every cop in the movie is stupid. Painfully basic clues are overlooked in the initial investigation, only to be brought up later as a revelation and not staggeringly bad police work. Marky Mark (who I do not hate) was bad, but that might be because the script does nothing to make me like him at all. Mila Kunis doesn't need to be in this movie (I like her as an actress but her character only exists to play Deus ex Machina during the climax). There are a bunch of plot holes, and the guy that is supposed to be the main antagonist (described as invincible) is killed in a very blasé way. That being said there are some artful shots, but the action scenes are bland and the bullet time scenes the games are famous for added nothing to the movie.

Eshi: This is my second time watching this fucking abortion, because Eshi doesn't believe in making good life choices. Some movies (like Plan Nine) are so bad you can't help but have fun with them. Some movies (like The Wicker fucking Meh down there) are really bad but have a couple enjoyable scenes. This piece of shit was having none of that. There isn't a single moment of levity in the whole goddamn thing, which wouldn't be so bad if the writing was at all good or the story wasn't the narrative equivalent of forced analingus. Not even the violence is interesting, all of the remotely engaging action happens off camera. There are some really pretty shots, I will happily concede that, but finding tinsel in Bubba's grundle does not meaningfully improve the salad tossing experience, no matter how festive.

2: The Wicker Man
I want to get this out of the way: Don't watch this movie. The original movie is far better, and well worth a watch. Now, this movie is a remake of a movie that didn't need to be remade, and it fails its source material. To try to make it more "American" for some reason they placed the action in the pacific northwest. The village is turned into a matriarchal commune that raises bees and oppresses men. The addition of a super negative view of feminism takes away from this movie and takes it from a virtuous christian vs an island full of occultists to men vs women, and that shit is unnecessary. The script is bad, Nick Cage is laughable, and the rest of the cast is mediocre at best (despite having some good actresses). The finale suffers the most in this movie in my opinion because it leaves out the terror that accompanied the original. In the original (you know how we feel about spoilers: its from 73, get on it), Sergeant Howie is brought to the wicker man and realizes immediately what is about to happen to him and before he is sacrificed he screams out a curse to Lord Summerisle ("The next time it will be you who is sacrificed to the wicker man!") and dies praying that he will not be taken by some heathen god while the island folk sing in the background. The remake just has Nick Cage screaming while the people chant for his death, which seems kind of dumb. This movie is fucking bad. Don't watch it, and prevent others from seeing it.

Eshi: I'm going to save you some time. That is the only enjoyable scene in the entire fucking movie and that was probably enhanced by all the weed. The plot doesn't matter, the reasons don't matter. Just enjoy that one moment in time and move on from this fucking thing.

3: Plan 9 From Outer Space
This movie is often touted as the worst movie ever made. I disagree, its just the most famous bad movie. Ed Wood actually liked making movies as far as I know, so if intention counts for anything, Manos: Hands of Fate, a movie made because a man bet a buddy that he could make a horror movie on a tiny budget, takes the cake. Back on topic though, Plan 9 is about aliens who want to make contact with earth and warn them about the path earth is on. They get mad eventually because humans deny their existence, so the aliens decide to raise zombies. Yeah, because that is the next best step right? How could that go wrong. When I say that this movie is not the worst movie ever made, I don't want anyone thinking its good. Its not. That being said it is fun to watch. You know when you see a video on youtube that has a laughable script, bad special effects, and terrible props/sets? You watch it because its funny how bad it it. This is that. Its a great drinking game too. Watch this on Halloween while getting high with some buddies, its a fun time.

Eshi: The thing that makes Plan 9 great is that it kind of revels in how bad it is. Scenes are cobbled together and, in one case, reused whole-cloth at least three times, props are blatant and largely disregarded, and the cast seem to confuse "science fiction" with staring at each other panicked whilst talking like Shakespearean trained robot. The central plot point is essentially, "we can't convince them to acknowledge our existence, so lets use zombies to lure them into our ship and kill them so they don't tell anyone about us." The central narrative is just... just gone. Plan 9 comes off as an exercise in producer placation.

All Hail Our New Cthulian Overlord!

I want to write about something positive today. Not because the world has gone to shit or anything (though I could definitely see where people would get that idea), but because I have been feeling down and there are some things that really made me feel better about the world. One of the things that has made me feel happy is this.

Image Source: Monterey Bay Aquarium

Look at that majestic little fucker. He is so goddamned cute. For those of you with an aversion to clicking links, that is an abyssal octopod that has been found recently. The best part about it is that the scientists who found it want to name it Opisthoteuthis Adorabilis. That is the best thing I have seen in a long time. There are problems with it of course, mostly that Adorabilis is used in a bunch of other species as well, all of which are not octopuses. Cephalopods are my favorite animals, and this just adds to that.

Considering how out of date our way of classifying life is, I don't know if naming this little fella something so apt would be a bad thing. Regardless, look at that little guy. I hope it made your day a little better.

The Sun is a Mass of Incandescent Gas...

The heat has once again melted my brain. I was going to do a whole thing about politicizing innocuous things and how it's mostly shitty and terrible, but right now all I can think about is the medical repercussions of doing a polar bear plunge with an erection. So instead of that here are five facts about the sun.

1. The core of the sun is approximately 13600000 degrees kelvin and is fueled largely by hydrogen, helium and the rage of Tonatuih, Aztec God of the Sun driven mad by the fires of his creation.

2. The average solar flare sets out with the heat of the sun's core and can reach the earth (~93000000 miles away) in as little two days. Not only demonstrating the great hatred Tonatuih holds in his heart but his incredible aim.

3. Someday, likely billions of years from now, Tonatuih's terrible loathing will kill him, setting the thunderous, nuclear inferno of the sun to expand through the solar system, destroying several planets including earth.

4. The sun is an atomic furnace, utilizing fusion to combine hydrogen and helium to form progressively large atoms like carbon and oxygen. Solar fusion is caused by the agonized writhing of the ever-burning mezzo-american deity.

5. Energy released by the sun is the source of nearly all life on earth, with the possible exception of certain abyssal lifeforms. Said abyssal life is fed via the million fishy teats of Mother Hydra, Consort of Dagon, Lord of the Deep Ones.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh, where two friends watch movies and then talk about it. This week our theme was westerns. When most people think a movie is about the wild west of america in the 19th century, but I think it focuses more on frontier life rather than a specific era or location (firefly is a western in space). These movies are known for depicting a hard land where only hard people survive, so expect some depressing shit. On to the list!

1: The Homesman
The despair level starts high this week with The Homesman. This movie is essentially about the shittiest road trip. A woman named Mary Bee Cuddy (played by the awesome last name haver Hilary Swank) is tasked with taking three women back to civilization after going mad on the frontier. She enlists the help of a claim jumper she saved from hanging named George Briggs (Tommy Lee Jones) and the 5 of them travel east to bring these women back to their families. This movie is bleak as hell. A few weeks ago we watched "The Wind That Shakes The Barley" which was also bleak, but there was a catharsis of sorts, and a message about freedom. This movie's message didn't really happen for me. Shit gets bad, then worse, than better (but still bad), and then worse. The theme is very nihilistic. Life in the wilderness/frontier is depicted as hard enough to break people (even tough protagonists: more on that in a minute) and society is depicted as restrictive and morally corrupt. SPOILERS BEGIN: Briggs takes over as the protagonist 2/3 of the way through the movie, because Cuddy kills herself. She does this because of the crippling loneliness she feels as she cannot find a husband. Briggs survives the loneliness and harshness of nature because he has nothing to tie him down. He doesn't hold to social norms and has no expectations of what he should or shouldn't do. In this way he doesn't fall into despair, he just does what he needs to do to survive. In the ending few scenes of the movie he tries to stay in society for a little but is pushed away for not being the type of person people expect him to be. In the end he leaves to go put a tombstone on Cuddy's grave, though it gets kicked overboard by a Ferry worker. The movie ends with him on a raft, sailing away from the city dancing and singing. He is truly free. :SPOILERS END. Its a good movie that I didn't like at first because of a message that appeared to be "people are fucking terrible" and I thought that this was a bit harsh, but after thinking about the movie for a while I think I really liked it. The acting is great and Swank does a fantastic job of playing a person who is struggling greatly with an emotional burden. I am glad that this movie took the time to show that it wasn't all gunmen and greedy prospectors out west. There were also people who were trying to make a living, some of them women (who are woefully under represented in westerns). Watch it and see what you can get out of it.

Eshi: Brian and I did rounds on this movie for hours. It is indeed, bleak as fuck. It is also kind of beautiful in its bleakness. Tommy Lee's character is free in his despair in a way that most of us could never be in joy. His life is fucking terrible, spent largely barely escaping death and dismemberment, and yet he perseveres through a progression of apathy, empathy and booze. Nothing really gets "better" in this movie, people just carry on. The cinematography is very emotive and the acting is engaging. The Homesman is great at illustrating how the good thing, the right thing, and the smart thing are often farther apart than we want to believe. I wouldn't recommend a second watching, but it definitely deserves a look.

2: The Dark Valley
This movie was a German western about a photographer (the old time-y kind with the giant camera and everything) from America stopping in a small village in the Alps for the winter to take some pictures of the valley. Also revenge. This movie is dark and beautiful. The landscapes are amazing and provide a tranquil backdrop to the violence that erupts later in the film. The movie does the slow burn really well. You know from the looks people give each other and the general tension in the town that shit is going to go down, but it keeps making you wait. The acting was good, and the violence was brutal. The music turning into weird German folk techno during one fight scene was a bit strange but didn't take away from the moment, it was just odd. Its a good movie, give it a shot.

Eshi: I really enjoyed this film. Dude comes into this town, hangs out for a while and then just starts getting his justice all over the place. There is a deep vindication to the violence in The Dark Valley, even if the protagonist is kinda stupid from time to time. To quote Walter from the edited for TV version of the Big Lebowski, "This is what happens when you meet a stranger in the Alps."

3: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly
I have loved this movie since I saw it when I was a kid, and when we were doing a western week this immediately jumped to mind. Eshi having never seen it cemented it as a movie to watch. This movie is about 3 people rushing to find a huge cache of money hidden somewhere in the west. Its a good movie, but not flawless. There are several scenes that run a little long and don't need to be there. In an attempt to show that war is shitty there are several scenes showing how the civil war fucked with people and how both sides got a little fucked. These scenes didn't really add to the movie, they just offered a way of showing how the bad guy was bad and how the good guy was merciful. Its a fun movie, and its good at showing why Clint Eastwood was a legend as a tough guy type actor. Eli Wallach is also fun to watch as the foil Tuco (The Ugly). The music in the movie is also great. I would be willing to bet that if you think of music from a western you are thinking of the music from this movie.

Eshi: This film brought thirty years of random film references into clarity for me. I've absorbed  a pretty fair amount of this movie from the Zeitgeist and the occasional wonderful Asian Homage, but actually watching it is a different thing. Before seeing this, I actually really didn't like Clint Eastwood, I mean, I still kinda don't but he's  really good as Blondie. GBU is very much worth the watch, just don't be afraid to have your thumb on the fast forward button.