And the Whole of the Law Shall Be, an it Harm None, Do What Thou Wilt

I've always been fascinated by the interplay of morality and ethics, as anyone whose been with us a while could probably attest to. Its not really just those two things, but they provide an easy shortcut for what I tend to think of as Personal Good and Social Good, and demonstrate the tension between the two pretty fucking effectively.

Personal Good is your moral code, but its also your personal philosophy on life. How you choose to live and the reasons you make those choices. Social Good, to me, is a simultaneously simpler and more nuanced topic. As far as I'm concerned the purpose of society is to ensure the greatest joy possible to its constituents, there was once a time when it was a survival mechanism, but adherence to that model is a relic of a shitty tribal impulse that we deeply need to get the fuck over. Notice, "greatest joy possible to its constituents." Not as many as possible. All. The entire reason we band together in groups is to benefit as a fucking group. With that in mind I tend to consider things in terms of freedom to pursue joy. At which point I come quite quickly to the old Lockean maxim (though I hate to lean on a dead man's words), "Your right to swing your fist ends at the next man's face" (in some book, presumably by John Locke).

In terms of the Social Good, that is pretty much absolute to me. To phrase it another way, your right to act as you please is inversely proportional to the amount of harm it causes. Not some esoteric, "moral fiber" bullshit. Harm. Non-consensual, unnecessary physical or psychological damage to other living things. Non-consensual, meaning any party is either unwilling or unable to freely and intentionally participate. Unnecessary, meaning not required for the continuation of one's own existence; harvesting to eat (meat or vegetation, provided the entire process is humane), harming in reasonable self-defense, and doing harm to protect another are all either allowable or encouraged depending.

Now, obviously this is a hierarchy, but its a subjective one. For me the Social Good tends to win out, you've got to reign in your darker impulses (impulses that tend to get justified by the Personal Good) or you make the world a worse place for everybody. There's no reason for that, a little more effort and a little forethought opens up a lot of possibilities for beneficial cooperation. I get that that isn't how everyone looks at it, many people put Personal Good first, either because its an easier starting point and they don't examine the issue much, or because they make the decision that their own way is the superior way. Most of the time this isn't really a problem honestly. People are by and large vanilla enough that their way doesn't have enough of an impact generally to be terribly concerned about in the long run. Either because their thing is close enough to the Social Good that it doesn't matter or because they never get up the gumption to bother doing anything anti-social.

However, some people are poison, they don't just put themselves first, they seek to fuck others over. And that is where the question becomes interesting. These people are unequivocally cunts, the little tiny pieces of shit that get lodged in a cultures colon and rot it slowly to a suppurating cancer, and their stupid shit saw us through some of the nastiest periods in history. Asshole behavior makes society worse as a whole, but selfishness dramatically increases the rate of survival in adverse environments. So it gets passed down, held on to. Not by everybody, but by enough to demonstrate success and spread, like successful strategies do.

I find that whole interaction to be deeply intellectually engaging. Seeing the wheels of society turn on conflicting and complex cogs of community and cock-knockery, as heartbreaking as it is to watch swathes of the population slowly try to shit the world to death, its almost hypnotizing. But just because a behavior is successful, doesn't mean its worthy, and just because a thing is hypnotizing doesn't mean you should sit back and watch it happen.

Home Again, Home Again

Holy shit, I'm home! Its been a long and joyful two weeks out and about in the universe but its always good to return to one's own bed. My ladywife and I spent a lesurely two weeks in Prague, punctuated by an all too short weekend in Amsterdam. Of course, for me the rest of my ridiculously charmed life would be too short a stay in Amsterdam, so I'll take what I can get quite gladly. Prague is a beautiful city, with gorgeous architecture and amazing food... that for some reason never really clicked with me. No one's fault, no hard feelings, just couldn't quite find my stride there. That said, if the opportunity arises, definitely go. Seriously, the food is incredible and the cost of living is downright comfortable. The people are a little... brusque, but people suck all over (though they seem to suck a good bit less in Amsterdam) and they seem to lighten up after a couple of the readily available and fantastic beers.

I do feel the need to make a serious comment, however. I spent a prodigious amount of time going from airport to airport this trip, 10 flights in two weeks, and I never felt less safe than when I was returning to this country. We laidover or stayed in half a dozen countries and, with the exception of my own, the border process was streamlined, respectful and complete. Get scanned, confirm your identity, carry on. However, on every occasion upon entering the U.S. the world became a very hostile place. A conspicuous proliferation of armed guards (a disconcerting number of whom had assault rifles), poorly trained K-9 units jumping and snapping at frightened civilians while their handlers laughed. State mandated molestation and intimidation. I couldn't help but feel ashamed at what we've let them do to us under the auspices of guaranteeing safety they do not provide. I really don't want to be preachy about it, but it was a viscerally disturbing experience and I hope one that goes quickly in to the annals of the history of abandoned ideas. Everybody travel safe out there.

I Promise I Don't Know Anyone At CD Projeckt Red

Lately I've been playing Blood and Wine for The Witcher 3, and if there is one thing that can't be stressed enough about the expansion its that its fucking breathtaking. I'm not using that word lightly. I do not fuck about when I play games, I am a hard story/hard action player. Not happy unless I'm learning something relevant or killing something interesting. On at least three occasions in as many days I have stopped dead whatever quest or personal slaughter quota I was engaged in, lined up a specific view, and just had Geralt meditate until the moment when the light would be best to really experience a particular vista. The Witcher is a pretty fucking glorious game just generally, and the whole game is beautiful, but Toussaint is heartbreakingly gorgeous. To the point that just riding along a random coast road is a moving experience worthy of comment.

With the expansion they added a goddamn plethora of tiny UI and graphical improvements, cleaned up the crafting system by adding a badly needed buy option for materials that you don't have but the smith does. Though sadly it appears they didn't carry that into the alchemist shops, which given the the fact that you can do that yourself I can sort of understand. They also added an homage to the mutagen systems in the previous games by opening up the option to modify Geralt's mutation with some skills that almost make me alright with the fact that this is the third game in a contiguous series and you start at level fucking one.

So far Blood and Wine lives up to the hype entirely as far as I'm concerned. It's funny, engaging, vast, and displays an emotional landscape that takes the already vibrant and sympathetic characters that the series does so well and elevates them about as near as you can and still have them be fictional. There are games that I've had more fun playing, there are games that have scratched similar itches better, But I think B&W takes The Witcher 3 pretty handily to the #1 spot on my favorites list. Like ever.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we dove into some comedies to lighten up our current trend of movies. It ended up having a couple other themes that were partially unintentional. First is the redeemable asshole theme, and second was Bill Murray. This was a fun week. To the list!

1: Groundhog Day
I love this movie, mostly because Bill Murray is great, but also because I like the base premise. A TV weatherman is stuck in an infinite loop of a location shoot for a Groundhog day festival. It has been described as the perfect Buddhist movie, and I can see why. A man continually relives the same day over and over again, constantly understanding the world more and more. The movie starts off with Bill Murray over-indulging in vices, but soon becomes bored with it and starts improving himself and acting for other's benefit until he breaks the cycle. Besides that kind of nifty (and according to IMDB unintentional) interpretation, it is just a fun movie. It makes the most of Murray's style of sarcastic humor really well, and shows off how this type of situation might actually play out. If you kept repeating the same day over and over again, would you try to become a master of everything you could? Its a delightful movie with a good cast (Andie MacDowell and Murray have some good chemistry) and a nifty message, check it out.

Eshi: Groundhog Day has everything that makes Bill Murray great; he's sharp, sarcastic, witty, cruel, touching, charming, crude. Its beautiful. One of the things that I particularly enjoyed, especially in the Buddhist context, is how at no point does Murray's character evolve on his own. Every moment of epiphany, from his initial hedonistic plunge to his inexorable enlightenment, is accompanied by the gentle guidance of Andie MacDowell's character. I really enjoy that his personal evolution only takes place because of other people. It has definitely earned its status.

2: Kingpin
Kingpin is another one of those stories where a disgraced sports hero helps a "young" talent make it to the big leagues. Where kingpin differs is that it doesn't treat the premise with any real sense of seriousness. This is a Farrelly brothers movie after all, and the sport is bowling, something that isn't considered a sport by most of the populace. A bunch of this particular movie trope popped up after this one, and while I know this wasn't the first to do it, I know that it was the first I saw that was done like this. I really liked Randy Quaid in this movie, though I think that Bill Murray and Woody Harrelson are far funnier than he is. Vanessa Angel's character kind of disappoints me a little. She basically disappears from the movie just as her plot starts to actually resolve until the end of the film, and I can kinda get why, but I think the relationship with Harrelson's character could have been explored more (two broken people forming a relationship via mutual understanding and support, but I don't think that's the point of the movie, so I see why the didn't). Its a fun movie, check it out.

Eshi: Oh Randy Quaid, what the fuck man. I'm not sure anyone else could have pulled off his character in this. I don't know what it is about being crazier than the bear that fucked the porcupine that lends itself so well to wide-eyed naiveté but it's the best. Brian is right, Vanessa Angel's role was a bit of a wasted opportunity. I like Woody Harrelson but I always have a hard time believing him as an asshole, I can't not see him as an affable stoner, but I guess thats more my fault than his. It's also pretty amazing how Bill Murray can always make a skeezy douchebag fun, even at his most hate-able he's still charming.

3: Caddyshack
Caddyshack is about a kid who wants to go to college, working though the summer at a golf course to pay for his education. That being said the movie changes gears constantly and that story falls by the wayside and the movie becomes more and more about the wacky people who populate the club. I think there is a good reason for this. The side characters have far more personality and charisma than the leading man, and are Chevey Chase, Bill Murray, and fucking Rodney Dangerfield. This is a movie I saw when I was probably too young, though that's the case with most movies I have seen, and rewatching it now was a little odd. It wasn't as funny as I remember it being, though the jokes I didn't get as a kid were far funnier now. Its an odd feeling, challenging nostalgia. That being said, its still a very funny movie and you should check it out.

Eshi: Caddyshack tells the story of a fuck-hungry young man that nobody gives a fuck about trying to schmooze his way into college. This is all about the big names. Rodney Dangerfeild is a dynamo, Chevey Chase is a dick, and Bill Murray proves his ability to straight up make a character pretty much just by showing up. It's a ball to watch, though I can understand how it might have diminished with time.

Zero Provocation

I have weird feelings about gaming journalism. On one hand we greatly enjoy the services, both journalistic and recreational, of folks like Jim Sterling, Laura Dale, and Yahtzee Croshaw. Jim Sterling in particular is an eloquent and earnest consumer advocate whom I greatly admire. On the other hand, a great deal of time and money has been dedicated to creating a powerful, public-facing back-feed loop in the area of games media. The sheer shameless, entitled corruption in mainstream gaming journalism has been so pervasive and so resented for so many years that it periodically gets tied to some asscheese's personal beef with someone in the industry by gossamer threads and we all go on a merry hatebinge for a week or so.

The good works and great joy contributed by the bad-ass PCs mentioned previously give me something very much like hope. It could just be an erection, but I'm pretty sure hope is involved. It's hard not be jaded about it though. I've been gaming since my fingers were big enough to push the buttons, and for most of that time gamers have been losing some really important battles to corporate profits. We've seen a couple big wins over the years; the slow, steady grinds towards greater inclusion and acceptance, towards better transparency in the industry and towards gaming as a positive force in the world.

Unfortunately, we've also suffered some pretty heavy consumer defeats. The hype-machine of mainstream games journalism has contributed to the success of anti-consumer standards for years, they've been selling out and selling us out since the console wars.

So really, I guess I don't have weird feelings about games journalism. I have a deep love and appreciation for games journalists and the work they do on our behalf, and an articulated, slow-fucking hateboner for the corporate schills who've consistently collaborated with those who would do harm. So pretty much like regular journalism.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we have such sights to show you, with Hellraiser 1-3. This is another one of the catch up weeks. I had seen the first Hellraiser and one of the other ones (I thought it was 2, but I was wrong) and Eshi hadn't seen any. I have odd feelings about the series because I like this kind of gory body horror, but it gets very silly very quickly. I also know that there are 8 sequels, which might be too many. Anyway, to the list!

1: Hellraiser
Hellraiser is a movie written and directed by Clive Barker, and is a wonderful example of why body horror is great. This movie introduced the world to Cenobites, demons who used to be people who were transformed by an obsession with sensation. The story isn't super complex, but it sounds odd. Basically, there is a puzzle box that if you solve it, opens a gate to hell and a bunch of Cenobites  come out and torture you to death. Hellraiser deals with a guy who accidentally escapes from this torture and convinces an old lover to kill people so he can be fully resurrected. Antics Ensue. For the time the effects are great and Andrew Robinson plays a great bad guy (he played Garak in DS9). Its a good movie if you like gore and creepy villains. Doug Bradley is also great as pinhead. There's a reason the character is so popular. Check it out if you like some good old fashioned body horror.

Eshi: I kinda feel like Hellraiser is inspired by the kind of porn watched by lovecraftian cultists. Pleasures man wasn't meant to know making monsters out of viscera and cum. Doug Bradley builds the character of Pinhead well, well enough to earn the cult following these films have gathered. Watching shitty person after shitty person get chain fucked into oblivion is a surprisingly resilient pleasure, as a full week of Hellraiser movies has attested to. The concept behind the Cenobites is joyous to me, both in their sensation seeking and in their relative neutrality. Hellraiser opens on the Cenobites being summoned by a willing (if ill-advised) man, torturing him for the psychedelic sadomasochistic pleasures of one and all, and then politely cleaning up after themselves and going back to hell. Those motherfuckers are classy, as movie monsters go. 

2: Hellbound: Hellraiser II
I like when sequels show off how the first movie impacted the world, and also add some context for the events of the first movie. In this case Hellraiser II shows the mental damage that the events of the first movie had on the heroine while also showing us the backstory of Pinhead and how Cenobites are made. It also includes a Doctor that had been obsessed with the puzzle boxes and cenobites and uses his influence to get all of the victims he can so that he can research them. Its a take on the Cthulian cultist and it makes him a very fun character to watch. Its not as good as the first movie but it gives you more of an interesting world, and fills in some interesting mythology. Its a fun movie, check it out.

Eshi: Hellbound strengthened all of my lovecraftian theories about the series. A trend to continue (spoilers). There is a moment in the film that, to me, perfectly encompasses the moment when an investigator becomes a cultist. It's beautiful. I'm not super keen on any of the cast in this one except Doug Bradley, so he ends up carrying the film despite his relative lack of screen time. Really, the world building makes this one, and makes it one of the better attempts.

3: Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth
I have a feeling that this movie is where the series started to tailspin. An investigative reporter starts looking into the death of a person due to hooked chains. This event causes her to become embroiled in a plan Pinhead has to break into reality permanently. The movie started out very similarly to the first two but goes out of fucking control when an army of cenobites start fucking shit up in the real world. Terry Farrel, who was also in DS9 as Jadzia Dax, plays Joey, the investigative journalist, is a competent actress and this movie throws a lot of shit at her character which she handles well. Pinhead is really good in this movie, as both his pre and post cenobiting incarnations, and kind of made watching the movie worth it. Its an interesting film, but the flood of silly cenobites made the ending a little laughable. Check it out if you saw the first two, but don't expect to much.

Eshi: There is a Cenobite that is also a robotic cd player, and that is probably the most indicative thing I can say about Hell on Earth. 

Getting The Poison Out

Last week was slow, sorry about that. Just one of those weeks where there aren't any fucks to spare. We'll see if this week manages to surpass the legacy of the last one.


I'm bad at finishing things. Pretty much always have been. I think its a weird side effect of a deep and formative abandonment complex. I can hardly bare to read a book all the way through for feeling like I'm losing something. It's probably got something to do with a more than healthy sense of sloth too, but it's not just that. I feel like finishing something is putting it behind you in a way I'm uncomfortable with. Like you're putting aside something that you've given a bit of yourself to. I don't know, it's strange to write about.

When I take on a project; a story, designing a game, running a campaign, I feel fantastic. I love the idea of creating something, leaving even a small good thing in the world. But then there comes a point where I can see the end of the thing and I shut down. I don't know how to just let a thing be done and move on with my life, so I get all fuckheaded and lose the vision. Even if I do manage to finish a project of any consequence it falls apart at the end because I'm too messed up by then to wrap it up elegantly. I'm working on it but the more I explore the anxiety, the more things it seems to tie to. It's disheartening to see how much of my life, how many people I care about, have been affected by my panicked death grip on the objects of my affection. The terrible fear that the things I love will leave me.

I hate that last sentence. It's been slowly ruining my life since I was a child. Writing it makes my heart drop. Because its a self-fulfilling prophesy. I can't stand to finish a project and be done with something I've invested myself in, so I poison my own projects. I'm so terrified of losing the people I care about I freak out and risk driving them away. I feel like its getting better but the more I work on it the bigger it seems, hopefully attention bias. I know this is kind of a masturbatory post, but this is where I write things I'm thinking about. I don't know, fuck it.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we are continuing our quest to fill in gaps with some Hitchcock. Hitchcock is considered to be one of the better directors, and I can see why. He has some great ways of filming scenes and his ability to generate tension is great. I loved this week. To the list!

1: The Birds
I saw this movie when I was in middle school, and it has stuck with me since then. The Birds is an interesting horror movie premise because it takes something that is always in the background and makes it the danger. In the movie Psycho, Norman Bates even says that birds are naturally passive so it makes them seem non-threatening. This is the very basis of what makes good horror, and this was my first real example of that. The scenes where like 500 birds are all standing around, watching, are still chilling to this day. There isn't a bit of soundtrack in the movie, which also makes the bird's screeches stand out more. Though the story seems a little contrived. It's basically a romantic comedy that turns into a horror movie. Tippi Hedren's character is a stalker, no doubt about it, but that's ok because the guy she is stalking wants to bone her. Other than the odd setup, its a good movie, check it out.

Eshi: The Birds is the heartwarming tale of two unhinged fancy people courting disconcertingly over a backdrop of rural bird-murder. Hitchcock does a great job of making the innocuous stupidity of seagulls and turn it into dead-eyed malice. It's kinda like the reverse of Full Metal Jacket, the first bit is pretty banal and dead, much like I image the lives of the characters are, but then half way through it turns into a different movie, one where people get fucked up by egg-laying demons from the sky. I quite enjoyed The Birds in all, definitely give it a shot.

2: Psycho
Psycho starts out as a woman trying to escape after committing a crime. She hides out in a motel and then shit gets crazy. Anthony Perkins makes this movie. Everyone in it is good, but he is great. He's charming, disarming and unsettling all at once, and it makes him one of the best psychopaths in movie history. I also loved the way that Hitchcock used a narration track to show what Janet Leigh's character thought other people thought of her. It is an interesting way of going about showing the turmoil a character is feeling. The movie is tense and full of depth, it is fantastic. I know that this movie is well known for its twist but just in case you haven't seen it I don't want to talk about it here. Watch it.

Eshi: Psycho is kind of a delightful downward spiral. Things consistently get worse for pretty much everyone and it culminates in deep crazy in a way that was revolutionary for the time. As Brian said, Anthony Perkins is the soul of this film, though the fact that he then goes on to be involved in a Hitchcock-free Psycho 2 and 3 is somewhat discouraging. Psycho is a legendary piece of cinema and it deserves it.

3: Rope
I am disappointed in myself for not having seen this movie before. It is fantastic. The movie was shot in only a few long shots/takes (read the IMDB trivia page for some interesting stuff on that) which explains some of the odd shots that they do for transitions. Rope is about two people who kill a man because he is "intellectually inferior" to them. One of the men, who planned the whole thing, decides to throw a party afterwords to flaunt how perfect his crime is. One of the guests that he invites (James Stewart) figures out that something is wrong and spends the rest of the movie piecing the murder together. Jimmy Stewart is great, and plays an amazing character. His monologue at the end of the film is great and adds a good amount of weight to the preceding. John Dall also plays an amazing bad guy, even though he makes some very stupid mistakes. This movie is a great, tense, thriller that you should watch, if you like that kind of thing.

Eshi: This movie could alternately be titled "Pride Cometh Before the Fall" or "Nice Try Asshole". Jimmy Stewart is fucking phenomenal as the keen, misanthropic professor, and his overall chemistry shines with very nearly everyone on set. The whole film is peppered with agonizing shots and dialog as everyone at the party just barely edges around finding out the truth. Fucking masterful, watch it. 

Shameful Self-promotion

So I wrote a weird little story. Its a little long to post here so its up here instead. Give it a read if you've got a minute.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we decided to fill in some cultural gaps for Eshi by watching the Indiana Jones Trilogy. Now, I saw these movies when I was like, 12. I remember liking them a lot. I mean, Han Solo, running around being an archeologist, hell yes. There is no denying the cultural impact of these movies, and the disappointment from the fourth was probably felt a little harder because of what we had come to expect from the series. Regardless, lets take a look at the good ones. To the list!

1: Raiders of The Lost Ark
One of the first things I noticed about rewatching this at my age; did Indy rape Marion? Is Indy a pedophile? Here, this is their entire exchange (taken from IMDB):

Indiana: Hello, Marion.
Marion: Indiana Jones. I always knew some day you'd come walking back through my door. I never doubted that. Something made it inevitable. So, what are you doing here in Nepal?
Indiana: I need one of the pieces your father collected.
[Marion surprises him with a right cross to the jaw]
Marion: I've learned to hate you in the last ten years!
Indiana: I never meant to hurt you.
Marion: I was a child. I was in love. It was wrong and you knew it!
Indiana: You knew what you were doing.
Marion: Now I do. This is my place. Get out!

This is an uncomfortable thing that popped up in our rewatching of raiders that I didn't see when I was younger, and it kind of lends a fucked up flavor to the rest of the movie. Regardless, I just wanted to point it out in case any one else might have forgotten about it. Raiders is a pretty good movie about an "archeologist" working for the U.S. government and tasked with finding the ark of the covenant before the Nazis because it might be a weapon. Harrison Ford is really good at playing a rogue archetype. He has the looks and the charisma to pull it off well, which is why he also flourished as Han Solo. While the movie takes some pretty extreme liberties with archeology, it's still fun to watch. Like its sequels, you cannot take it to seriously. These movies are meant to be pulp-y adventures and Raiders catches that feeling well. Chases are over the top, the fights are exciting, and the movie revels in bombastic set pieces. The cast is good, and have good chemistry together. Its a fun movie, that influenced so much in cinema that it should be watched just to see the influence it lends.

Eshi: I've ignored the whole Indiana Jones franchise for years. Didn't watch it as a kid until the unspeakable fourth one came out, and that kinda poisoned me against the rest of the series. Recently, as Brian said, I've been trying to fill in some of my cinematic gaps. So we decided Indy had to happen. Raiders was lots of fun. Harrison Ford, as a tomb-raiding archeologist in a world where the average I.Q. is down thirty or forty points on average, is the lovable, bumbling douchebag so many action stars wish they could pull off. You end up liking him despite yourself, implied sexual exploitation and everything. It's worth the watch on a lazy weekend.

2: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
I am not really a fan of this movie. It feels too much like the people who made it wanted to make a more child friendly movie than raiders to expand the demographic. That being said, there is some gruesome shit in this movie that makes it not ok for kids. People are ripped apart by gators at one point. The main bad guy rips the heart out of someone's chest and the burns them alive (long story involving evil magic). This movie was the weakest in the trilogy until they decided to not make it a trilogy anymore. It seems a little too much like "white guy saves the day" for me, and I don't think it has a great grasp on the religion it portrays (why the hell was a voodoo doll in this movie?). That being said, some of the chase scenes are fun and the movie is at least watchable. Also, what the hell happened to Short Round? This movie takes place a year before raiders, but he is not in that movie at all. Just saying. Anyway, check it out.

Eshi: Racism is out of control. Temple of Doom develops an auto-fellatio problem that only seems to worsen as the franchise continues. ToD is a prequel, which has the unfortunate side effect of making Dr. Jones in the first movie an even bigger piece of shit. Indy isn't just an affable dickhead anymore, he's a willingly deluded (watches a dude murder people with his racist hate magic, still doesn't believe in all the "hocus pocus"), multiple-kidnapper (Short Round is a fucking street urchin that Indy just kinda takes, and he literally holds Kate Capshaw's character hostage in order to extort/escape from fucking mobsters), whose most endearing feature is a meme. Feel free to skip this one.

3: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
I really like this movie. Some of the "puzzles" that get solved don't make sense (the roman numeral one in particular seemed stupid) and how Indiana speaks English in Nazi Germany and isn't arrested didn't make sense, but it is still a fun movie. After watching all those James Bond movies it was nice to see Sean Connery as a bumbler. Connery is a great actor, and he has a lot of fun with this role. I found it odd that they made one of the Nazis seem like they might turn around and be a good guy but then just drops that and kills them off. The movie still remains action packed with some great chase scenes. I love it when a movie just decides to go over the top and does so well. It's so easy for that to get out of hand and dumb, but Last Crusade handles the action with finesse (most of the time). This movie is fun, check it out. Also, remember your Charlemagne.

Eshi: I feel like Sean Connery kinda saved this movie. Indy continues his decent into masturbatory material for Spielberg and Lucas, wandering ever farther into the land of unintentional competence porn. Allison Doody has no chemistry with Harrison Ford whatsoever, which makes his persistent molestation, and her apparent apathy, uncomfortable. Connery, however, is just the right amount of clueless nerd, confusedly stumbling through hostile situations, too oblivious to acknowledge his own immanent peril. Last Crusade is back to fun, despite it's flaws. Maybe give it a go.

Jolly Cooperation

Dark Souls 3 comes out tomorrow, so this week might be a little sparse. And by a little sparse, I mean this is about what I plan on posting this week soooooo.... Good luck out there.

Weekly Cinemeh

Welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we didn't watch any movies, instead we wanted to talk about a style of show that it is sad that we don't get to see in the US. Panel Shows are a British format that I have been watching somewhat obsessively. A panel show is essentially a game show where comedians sit on a panel and make jokes about the shows subject. The game part of it is mostly just an excuse to see funny people be funny. Some of them are great, so here is a list of a few of our favorites.To the list!~

1: QI
QI, which stands for Quite Interesting, is a show that combines charm, humor, and intelligence in one package. QI takes a bunch of comedians and challenges them to answer questions about history, science, and anything that is interesting. Stephen Fry hosts the show (at least until next season when he is being replaced by Sandy Toksvig, a frequent favorite on the show), and if you don't know who that is, I feel sorry for you. He is all of the things I said about the show, and really helped make it something I enjoy. It takes pride in taking things that are "common knowledge" and showing how and why those things are wrong. It is very smart, and amuses while educating. If you want to give it a shot, almost all of it is on Youtube, so check it out.

2: 8 out of 10 Cats
8 out of 10 Cats is an odd show that has two formats, both of which are fun and hosted by British funnyman Jimmy Carr. The original run of the show is a panel of comedians riffing about polls, which is a lot better than it sounds. The second run of the show is the cast doing their version of another game show, Countdown, which a is a show where the contestants compete to complete math problems and word puzzles. The original version of Countdown didn't have any comedians at all in it, and it was boring as fuck, but giving it to a bunch of comedians was a great idea, and it instantly got better. Both versions of 8 out of 10 cats are worth checking out, and can be found on youtube.

3: Mock The Week
Mock The Week is one of the best news shows I have seen. Much like the name suggests, it takes a weeks worth of news and quizzes a bunch of comedians about it. The show is hosted by Dara O' Briain, who is one of my favorite comedians. The panels compete to see who can answer questions about the news, as well as compete in improv sets about the weeks issues. Its a fun show that introduced me to a bunch of comedians that are great. Check it out, almost all of it is on youtube as well.

4: Would I Lie to You 
Would I Lie to You revolves around hosts Angus Deayton, and later Rob Brydon, team captains David Mitchell and Lee Mac, as well as a series of guests, who are made to tell personal stories that the opposing team has to guess at the truth of. It's better than it sounds, like so many of these shows, largely due to the ever-present comedians. David Mitchell is especially witty and Rob Brydon has a weird charisma. Youtube will, once again, provide.

Nothing to do With Goats... This Time...

The more observant among you may have noticed that we have been in something of a creative slump. I can't really speak for Brian, but for me this is partly a matter of inspiration and partly a matter of sloth. The sloth bit is pretty self explanatory, I'm a lazy fuck and writing about something would require giving fucks that I frankly don't possess 90% of the time. Inspiration is trickier.

For me, writing without impulse is trying enough to provoke apathy. Now, I'm working on that, I want to care, the prospect of being creatively constructive is exciting to me. But a blank page is a daunting foe even without an blank head to accompany it. I've tried writing about current events, successfully demonstrating to myself that I'm not really capable of maintaining interest in pretty much any specific information for longer than it takes to convert that information into its general themes. Not that I don't care about the individuals involved in any particular "newsworthy" event, I'm just less concerned about them then I am about the likely root causes of whatever situation they inhabit. Most of which I've either thoroughly and frustratingly examined or about which I have nothing to say.

I've tried writing short fiction on here, and that was fun but largely aimless and so difficult to maintain. So in response to this aimlessness and apathy I've decided to write about being aimless and apathetic, because while I don't approve of self indulgence I am a firm advocate of masturbation.

I'm working on a D&D game, so I'll probably wander off and work on that soon. Hopefully, some good ol' world-building will refill my reserves and give me something to work with. Probably going to see a lot more random short fiction and Mounting Mythical Monsters from me in coming weeks. With any luck we'll all have some fun.

Weeklly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. Our theme was basically bat shit insane bible mythology, and wow, boy was it ever. This week our list is a bit shorter than usual, but both movies on it are pretty good, so, there is that. To the list!

1: He Never Died
He Never Died is about a guy who cannot die fucking up mafiosi because they won't stop knocking on his door. I wasn't sure about this movie until but a couple minutes in it grabbed my attention and had me loving it. HND is a horror comedy with some excellent practical effects, and some pretty funny scenes. Most of the comedy comes from the strange intensity or Henry Rollins, who plays the main character. While Mr. Rollins is pretty good the rest of the cast is only OK, but I think that has more to do with the direction rather than the script. Other than the Villain and the main character, every other character has pretty similar personalities, which does more harm than good in the long run. Also people act surprisingly sane when faced with some of the shit that happens in the movie. *spoiler* If I shoot a guy in the head and he keeps coming, I am not going to try to punch him, I'm going to fucking run. *end Spoilers*. Despite the negatives its still a fun movie to watch with some friends. Check it out.

Eshi: Henry Rollins is pretty fucking awesome, both in this film and generally. There's a pretty wide streak of "oh shit" in He Never Died, a streak I often find lacking in movies of this quality. Don't get me wrong, it's fun as hell, but it's no big budget blockbuster. Steven Ogg is in it and he's always a delight. HND is one of those movies where you don't want to share too much, not necessarily on grounds of spoilers but just because the whole experience deserves to be fresh, so give it a shot.

2: Let Us Pray
Let Us Pray is a bottle movie in a police station during the worst first day for any police officer ever. Damn near everyone in the small town in which this movie takes place is insane, and one man appears and starts to exacerbate it. The town's newest police officer then tries to survive all of the crazy that is brought to the surface. Man, with LUP and Filth, I don't think I would ever want to deal with Scottish police in any way. Liam Cunningham plays the devil, and does a good job of it. He is less the charismatic version of the devil and more the intense whisperer in the shadows who prods people into making poor decisions. I am a fan of Cunningham, and this is the kind of role he is great at. Pollyanna McIntosh plays the new police constable on duty and is a fine actress, though I would like to see what she could do with a better script. This movie is a little disappointing when it comes to the writing. There are a couple of ok moments in the movie, but the rest of it is just mediocre. The writing seems fairly average and there are some plot holes that I don't want to get too into here. Admittedly, I had high expectations going in, so I may be judging it a little harshly. Its an ok movie, so check it out if you have nothing better to do.

Eshi: The big draw for me on this movie is Liam Cunningham, he nails this role in ways it doesn't entirely deserve. LUP finds itself with an excess of concept and a dearth of delivery. The score is pretty fucking cliche, to the point of distraction, and the dialog comes off as weird quasi-theological fanfic in several unfortunately crucial places. I do really enjoy this movie, the violence is cathartic and Cunningham plays a Baali/Ravnos like a fucking boss, but I don't entirely feel good about it.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we decided to watch some standup comedy specials. Not a lot to talk about in the intro other than this might have been a bad idea since there isn't a lot we can to to talk about the specials without ruining them. Well anyway: to the list!

1: Funny Business
Jimmy Carr is a British comedian, and while not my favorite, he is pretty funny. For me personally his comedy specials always pale in comparison to him just improving on panel shows (basically game shows starring comedians for those of you who don't know). Carr is known for his acerbic tone in his comedy, and a master of the false setup kind of joke (the kind that play off of the misconceptions of the crowd). This special is his latest one, released on netflix. Its funny, though I kind of had an issue with it in that he spends half the special just playing off of jokes people tweeted to him. He is funny with it, but it seems a little lazy, which is sad because I know how funny he can be. That said, the rest of the show is great, and his banter with the audience is fun. Give it a watch, you'll enjoy it.

Eshi: Jimmy Carr does a hell of a one-liner, and his crowd work is pretty top shelf, but I feel like he wasn't really ready to do a special. As Brian said, there is a disappointingly long part of the set that's pretty much just him reading other people's tweets, which seems like cheating at best. He carries on the proud tradition of U.K. comedians and delightfully casual vulgarity. I'm genuinely impressed at the myriad ways Jimmy can mock someone sexually. Funny Business was alright, but maybe try his show.

2: Comedy Camisado
Hannibal Buress is a great comedian who makes me a little sad because his career is not exploding as quickly as a lot of other modern comedians. He deserves a lot more work, though I would say that about most comedians nowadays. That being said, every time he has been in something he has been good. He did get some attention for bringing up the Bill Cosby rape accusations prior to them becoming very public. His take on the world is great, and he has some excellent stories. His special was solid, I don't think its his best, but definitely worth the watch. Check it out.

Eshi: I really enjoy Hannibal Buress' stand up, but I think I prefer him as a writer. He's pretty much always a funny fucker but as a writer he can channel that funny through contextually more amusing people without having to draw on real life. An ability that will serve him well in trying to be widely recognized as something other than the guy who started the Cosby thing. Hannibal does damn fine work, and I look forward to seeing more of it.

3: Nice Try, The Devil
Pete Holmes is great. I first saw him on college humor with his "Badman" videos, and instantly loved him. He had a talk show for a couple seasons on TBS where he did more Badman like sketches that were great, but unfortunately he got cancelled. His show was great. It focused a lot on positive mindsets and how dumb jokes should be reveled in because they can make you feel better. He is a fun comedian to watch because he is very animated, and you can see how much fun he is having just being a comedian. Watch it.

Eshi: Pete Holmes always kinda seems like a refugee from Cool World, but like in a good way. The man is a cartoon version of himself and he deserves your goddamn admiration. He seems to genuinely love making people laugh and derives a clear joy from his own jokes that can't help but be infectious. This is a link to his youtube page, because I love you and I want you to have a good day.

Decency Isn't Genetic

Brian and I don't really talk much about family on here. Sure there's the occasional dig at the filthy, manipulative cunt-basket that my wife clawed herself out of in infancy. And every once in a while I'll write an unintelligible screed about the poor fucks who don't understand about genitals. But actual discussion of family is pretty limited. Now, this is partially because, with the noted exception of my father, we've all pretty much cut ties with our families. I'm not going to talk about the reasons for that, less because it isn't any of your fucking business what kind of shitty people spawned us and more because it would be an almost tragically short post. Instead, I going to talk about the other reason we don't talk about it much. Those people aren't really family.

I'm not talking about some kind of cultish, "We're your family now; here's your 'punch'", kinda thing. I do legitimately value the concept of family, a group of people upon whom you are supposed to be able to intrinsically rely, I just feel like that structure is entirely too important to be left to the capriciousness of fate. In my experience the people who share your blood are more likely to be the people to fuck you over hardest, both because they have the access and because you're less likely to be truly prepared for it. The worst bit is that most of the time the "family" that ruins you doesn't even understand the damage they've done. Because being betrayed or used by blood isn't just your casual exploitation, its your framework for society. If you can't trust your relatives then what chance does some fucking stranger have? No, fuck that. We all need a support network and sharing a sexually viable ancestor at whatever point in history is presently convenient is an insufficient metric by which to organize.

Beyond that is the question of affection. If I'm going to trust someone enough to turn to them in my time of strife I'd really rather actually like that person. I make it a policy not to go out of my way to deal with people I don't enjoy in general, and that goes double for people I'm related to. Life is too short and too unpredictable to devote time and effort to maintaining relationships with people you don't like.

I recently had a transaction with a man I've met fewer times than I have fingers who was my mother's brother. I'm ambivalent about him, but I dislike his SO in a fashion so natural and effortless that it would literally take me more effort to not give a fuck. He was gobstruck that not only is this an acceptable standpoint to me (me! this man he'd met a few times years ago, the scandal of it), but that I didn't feel as though it should have a meaningful effect on either of our lives. We hadn't spoken to each other in years and had never shared an experience more significant than eating in the same building, if it wasn't for the fact that the alcoholic racist that raised him also raised one of the people who raised me I wouldn't even be expected to remember his name. Much less give a fuck about his wife.

We've chosen, instead of all that bullshit, to be adults and make the hard choices. To decide who to care about and to make the effort to nourish those relationships to the point where those people aren't just worthy of the trust we're putting in them, they extend the same trust in return. There might not be as many of us, but we love each other. Not because of what some relative strangers did to each other before we existed, but because we found people who we wanted to share that with.

The Finer Points of Pixel Husbandry

I've been playing quite a bit of Stardew Valley lately, and its probably the best money I've spent on a game in years. Normally I don't have any surplus fucks to contribute to farming sims, too often they're painfully vanilla and heavily geared towards cutesy kiddy bullshit. I get that there is a certain fuck-headed percentage of the population that feels that games should be composed of cutesy kiddy bullshit as games are for children, and I acknowledge that these brain damaged, corporate collaborator cumstains exist and are entitled to their stupid, self-oppressive opinions. I'm going to let my personal feelings concerning those fine fucking failures live firmly between the lines and instead discuss why I love Stardew Valley.

First, Stardew leads off with a direct self-reference. You start the game slogging through a life of soulless toil in a call center. Then you receive a letter from your recently dead grandfather that you are only to open in the event of an inescapable ennui, a letter that contains a glorious escape in the form of a dilapidated farm. Saying out right, "oh, you need to get away from the painful mundanity of your life, here's a little farm for you to work on to make you feel better." A tactic that beats the hell out of the sense of forced obligation in so many of the Harvest Moon games or magical shenanigans that tend to accompany the Rune Factory franchise.

Second, and this could be a little spoilery, the characters are treated like people. The Mayor of the town is casually fucking the local cow-seller, one of the sexy-options congratulates the character on their stick handling prowess in a way that comes off as a pretty aggressive masturbation joke. It even stays pretty true to life in that most of the teenage characters are massive fucking cunts.

Finally, it doesn't really give a fuck who you fuck. Stardew is one of the painfully few games with a relationship system that doesn't discriminate on orientation. Wanna bone down with Fabio the fisherman? Do it, we don't care what bits you have. Like the nerdy biracial girl? Feel free to go to town with the genitals of your choosing. I know its a small thing, but I have a nasty pet peeve about games that enforce the character's sexuality.

Stardew Valley is a simple, relaxing game that manages to be approachable without reducing its tone to that of a shrill idiot child, and that's exactly what I've been looking for lately. It feels good to play a game that delivers on its premise without being uncomfortable.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. Sorry for being gone for so long, but we are back with some new movies, and this week its some from our favorite genre: Crime. To the list!

1: Filth
I am a fan of Trainspotting  so I was looking forward to watching this one, forgetting one of the major reasons I flinch every time Trainspotting is mentioned. This is a heavy movie, decorated with some laughs. Don't get me wrong dear reader, its a great movie. I was just blindsided by how bleak it is, considering the tone at the beginning. Filth is about a cop trying to manipulate his way to a higher position in his department. He is tasked with leading an investigation into the murder of a man, all the while dealing with a very pronounced mental instability issue. James McAvoy is great in the lead role. His character is undeniably a monster, but McAvoy is so charismatic that you cannot help but want to like the guy, and even sympathize with him when certain shit goes down. Its a good movie, but don't expect it to walk away joyful. Watch it.

Eshi: Fuck, man. Filth has an emotional trajectory like an orbital bombardment. Beautiful and evocative as it is, the beauty is morbid and the main thing it evokes is discomfort. McAvoy is perfectly set up to leverage his charm against the loathsome and pitiful character he plays, and his vast cast of victims are just the right combination of helpless and confrontational. Filth, like Trainspotting, hurts to watch, but you can't help but appreciate it. Just maybe have something a little lighter hearted lined up for after.

2: Scarface
This movie could also be called "The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Tony Montana". Scarface is a movie about a Cuban immigrant working his way to the top of the drug underworld in 1980s Miami. The moral being ruthlessness will get you power, but in the end it is an empty existence. Creating a position for yourself at the top gives you a beautiful wife and a nice house, but its all shallow and unfulfilling. Al Pachino is, as always, great at playing slightly unstable, shouty characters; so this role was made for him. The movie is slow in places, but ultimately its is good, and a great example of character based drama. Its a good movie, and worth watching for the cultural impact factor alone.

Eshi: The fact that anyone admires Tony Montana shows a fundamental failing in our culture. Rule #4 was made for fuckers like him. Scarface is 2 hours and 50 minutes of a spectacular douchebag fucking over everyone he possibly can for like, no reason. I can't even fully convey what a colossal piece of shit this character is. He's like an onion made of the worst diarrhea you've ever had, layer upon layer of pain and disgust. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the movie, but only because I knew how it ended. Fuck this guy, and everyone who looks like him.

3: Horrible Bosses
Considering the tone of the first two movies this week we decided to close out with something fun. HB is about three friends who decide to kill their bosses because they are making work terrible. While that sounds harrowing, it is made less so by the people all being fucking terrible at the whole killing people thing. I love the cast, and they have great chemistry together. Charlie Day in particular stands out to me, but that's just because I wish he was in more stuff. This movie is fun, as long as you don't take it seriously at all. Watch it with some buddies while drinking and you will have a good time.

Eshi: After Filth and Scarface we needed a pretty strong palette cleanser and Horrible Bosses did the job well. The characters are well crafted to their roles and watching Charlie Day and friends fail their way to victory is a joy. Of course, I'd watch Charlie Day shit furtively into a box if he got to write it himself. My only regret about this movie is that they made another one; which is a sentence I find myself using too often for comfort these days. Definitely give this one a try, preferably whilst intoxicated and certainly with friends.  

I Dare You M. Night

I goddamn loath M. Night Shyamalan. Not like I hate J.J. Abrams and Joss Whedon, for genius abused. No, I hate Shyamalan for genius avoided. M. Night has the potential to be the greatest B movie director of all time. Its something that Brian and I talked about a little while ago that has stuck in the deepest place in my craw, because I kinda love B movies and his premises are perfect for the medium. So I've taken it upon myself to right this wrong and set the world right... re-imagining his movies as intentionally bad, instead of just depressing. Starting with The Village

The actual premise of this movie is an 18th century village is accosted by weird fucking werewolf monsters. The twist is that the monsters are really the village elders in costumes who founded the village to escape modern life and exercise their creepily elaborate history professor social experiment. In my version its an 18th century village being accosted by weird fucking werewolf monsters, but the twist is that the werewolves are actually the village elders in bad wigs, who founded the village to escape actual werewolves and exercise their creepily elaborate history professor sexual fantasies. Then at the end M. Night could get torn apart amidst a poorly choreographed werewolf/ history professor blood orgy. Actually, the whole movie could just be Shyamalan being slowly torn apart by people in tweed jackets and furry gloves and I'd pay to see it.

Mounting Mythical Monsters vol. 1: Manticores

Hokay. So I survived getting my face cored and now I'm a functional invalid for the better part of a month. That's fine and dandy but today I'd like to talk about why you should fuck a Manticore. Now, obviously there's the bragging rights that come along with sexually satisfying a murderous beast out of legend, but you've gotta look past that. Manticores aren't like the drunk chimera who volunteered for the frat party, they aren't going to get on board with your frivolous pride. You've gotta be respectful. Classy. Woo your quarry. You don't want to just sidle up and get to work, you'll get a barbed tail right to the grundle. Nobody wants that. So take your time and do it right.

As for why, lets start with the big ones. Three words: Magic. Fucking. Powers. That's right, its a little known fact that the orgasmic excretions of the adult Manticore contain several strains of STPs, or sexually transmitted powers. They change from beast to beast so you might get flight and the ability to control marsupials with your mind, or you might end up with the ability to summon tiny demons to rend the flesh from your foes. Kind of a mixed bag but magic powers are magic powers, take what you can get.

Secondly, their genitals are amazing. Soft in all the right places, firm yet supple. Interestingly laid out. You're never gonna get bored of Manticore bits. Not to mention they taste like fresh apples. Fuji on the females, macintosh on the males. Its great.

The third reason is a bit more nuanced. See, Manticores mate for life, but they have a genetic appreciation for polyamory. This means that while your new monstrous Persian fuck buddy will never leave you, should you decide you want to throw down with that hot Sphinx up the street, your Manticore is probably gonna be down. I mean they'll want to watch but trust me that just makes it better.

Finally, if you fuck a Manticore you naturally obtain a Manticore mount. Lets face it, if you're trying to ride a Manticore you want to ride a Manticore, which is good 'cause they're into it. The practicality of having an intimate relationship with your mode of transportation, especially when that transportation consists of a mythical winged lion with a big ass scorpion tail, can't be overstated. Traffic stops being a problem immediately, road rage has a way of taking care of itself suddenly, and seriously no one is going to get away with stealing your new ride.

So find yourself a Manticore and put in the work, its a tricky business but its well worth the effort. Just remember, they aren't great at oral sex. Three rows of razor sharp teeth does not make for a very friendly nibble.

Somewhere Between Love and Shoggoth

This Friday a man I don't really know, don't trust, and who only seems to be interested in the pleasure he gets from slicing on a living person is going to reach up my nose and (hopefully) cut all the sick out of my fucking head. Fortunately, I will probably be unconscious for that whole nasty endeavor, but it still brings a lot of Deep Hate out in me.

I watched doctors apathy my mother to death for most of a decade. Watched people who openly mocked her for her weight ignore the cancer that was creeping through her entire body until all the MRIs and x-rays and examinations didn't matter anymore. People whose only job was to watch for the things that ended up killing her, who would rather make a fat joke than discern between mysterious nerve pain and the pain caused by cancer ravaging bones and organs. I Hate doctors. Spending fifteen minutes in an office, listening to a bored man try to justify yet another course of the antibiotics that have to this point pretty much only served to destroy my digestive tract fills me with the kind of rage that characters in stories dedicate their lives to and ruins peoples lives in real life. The idea of spending three hours helpless while that same man digs around millimeters from my fucking brain is loathsome beyond description. The only thing that keeps me from being reduced to a Lovecraftian puddle of cosmic fury, much less actually going along with this, is my wife.

A person in pain for long enough tends to turn into a dick, especially a person known for being a grumpy fuck in the first place, and I won't put her through that. Not if I can help it. So for this week I'm going to do my best to be a man and not a Shoggoth, because she shouldn't have to pay for my anger. I honestly hope that this whole event can vent some of the poison from my heart, maybe even go some way towards convincing me that there are actually doctors out there who aren't worthless, self-righteous, shit-souled, fuckpuppets. I hope.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we decided to delve into Jackie Chan movies. We were both in the mood for some over the top kung-fu acrobatics and this week certainly delivers. Jackie Chan is well known for how awesomely choreographed his movies are, and the films this week deliver that well. My favorite part of Jackie Chan movies are the credits though, where they show just how the stunts can so easily fuck up. It was a fun week. To the list!

1: Rumble in The Bronx
Rumble is one of the classic Kung-fu movie structures. Guy comes in from out of town, gets caught up in a plot because they kick the ass of someone bad, then uses the power of head-kicking to resolve the issue. Jackie Chan is a young man in town for his uncle's marriage. While in town he beats up some people who try to rob his uncle's supermarket which leads to a gang war between Jackie Chan and a bunch of neighborhood toughs. This movie has all of the crazy jumping around the environment and using it to hurt people that you have come to expect from Chan, though I will say the lack of police presence in the movie makes no damn sense. I get that they are in bad part of town, but the bad guys do some very noisy violence that should have attracted a lot more attention than it did. Overall the movie is a fun time. The cast is suitably over the top, and Jackie Chan is understandably great. Watch it, it's a good time.

Eshi: Its weird, but one of my favorite things about this movie is how little it relies on a story. There is one, don't get me wrong, its just that no one really seems to care about it. There are some gangbangers and some big time syndicate types, the cops even come in for fifteen minutes at the end to vaguely legitimize a hovercraft chase through New York. Jackie Chan gets his ass kicked pretty bad in this one, both in character and just normally. Not that that is particularly unique in his films, but some of the hits in the credits are pretty nasty and there's a five minute scene of his character just standing in front of a wall getting torn apart by bottles of malt liquor. Be forewarned, though, it just kind of drops you when its done. No epilogue, no resolution, just "done now".

2: Little Big Soldier
LBS takes place during the Three Kingdoms era of history in China, and is essentially a road trip movie about a soldier who "captures" an enemy general and tries to bring him back to his country in order to turn him over for a reward so he can become a farmer. This movie covers a lot of bases. You still get the amazing choreographed fight scenes and comedy, but there is also a lot of heart to the movie. Ultimately it is about how war is fucked up, and hurts everyone. The cast it great, Jackie Chan and Leehom Wang in particular have some great chemistry together. Its a good movie, check it out.

Eshi: This is my favorite Jackie Chan movie. I don't feel like there's much to be said about this film except that it's required watching for fans of foreign cinema. The characters are compelling, the story is genuine and heartfelt, just... watch this fucking movie. Seriously, its a very worthy hour and a half.

3: The Legend of The Drunken Master
This is probably my favorite Jackie Chan movie of the ones I've watched. Its funny and has some of the most amazing fight scenes I have ever seen. While on a train with his father and father's housekeeper to his home city, Fei-Hung (Chan) gets caught up in a smuggling ring and finds out about a British ambassador trying to steal a bunch of artifacts from China to sell to the British national museum. It is up to Fei-Hung and his friends to keep them from leaving the country. As I said before, the fight scenes in this movie are great, the last one in particular is wonderful. It has a great sense of humor, especially the drunken fighting style allows for a great deal of silliness. Anita Miu, who plays Fei-Hung's step-mother is also a stand out for me. Her comedy style lends itself well to this type of movie. Its a great movie, watch it.

Eshi: Drunken Master is probably the best choreographed martial arts film I've ever even heard of. All of the acrobatic and environmental combat that Jackie Chan is renowned for are perfected in this movie. The momentum, both of the plot and the combat is goddamn impeccable. About the only thing that's missing for me in this film is the Popeye music playing in the background whenever Fei-Hung drinks.

Some People Just Can't Handle Their Semen

I'm kinda tired of the way people treat the idea of child birth. Parenthood in general, really. I appreciate that some people need to breed, carry on the species or whatever. But, its a hugely preventable fucking nuisance. If you want kids, fine have kids. Have kids that you're financially, emotionally, and biologically prepared to have. If you don't meet those criteria there are plenty of ways to avoid being host to a vicious parasite that will someday turn into a person that your unready ass probably fucked up. I'm not saying the unprepared or unwilling can't cobble together a reasonable facsimile of a person, hell I manage to walk on two legs and use full sentences most of the time and my parents were seventeen and surprised. But its mighty fucking difficult to create a life that isn't broken, even without starting at a deficit.

Children are not a blessing, they are an enormous burden with the potential for a high emotional payout. Having a child isn't just the (still preventable) consequence of an action; its inflicting the consequences of that action on the whole fucking world until entropy takes its course and someone has a tragedy. If you did well, and got lucky, that child will probably at least not make anyone really unhappy, they might even make some people happy. But if you fuck them up, if the wrong kind of accident happens, if you don't have your shit together, or fuck forbid you get unlucky, chances are that every life the life you created touches will be hurt. Fucking up a kid doesn't just fuck up the kid, every shitty kid makes the world a worse place and every shitty parent is responsible for it. Not just the evil ones, the abusers and neglectful. The smug cunts that show their children that its okay to be an entitled piece of shit, the emotionally distant workaholics, the passive-aggressive shitfuck who tries to live vicariously through their six year old. They make fucked up people, and those people fuck up other people.

We have to stop treating the creation of a fucking life like its just a thing that happens and isn't one of the most complex, daunting, and far reaching (wholly fucking optional) tasks a person can possibly undertake in their life. We need to stop just letting shitty people inflict their shitty kids on the rest of us and then acting like it was unavoidable, and parents need to stop acting like its their right to inflict their shitty kids on us because they can't manage their ejaculate responsibly.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we decided to have some fun with 80s action movies. Over the top violence is great fun every once in a while, so if you are in the mood for that, check out some of this weeks picks. Don't expect a lot of realism with these movies and you will have a good time. To the list!

1: Big Trouble in Little China
BTiLC is a movie about a trucker helping his gambling buddy get his girlfriend back after she is kidnapped by a Chinese gang. The two get involved in a gang war against a gang who uses magic and other supernatural powers. This movie is fun, and it bucks trends of popular action films while still being a competent action film. The main character is cocky and over confident, which fucks him over several times (at least until the end of the film). Kurt Russell is great at playing the overconfident doofus, so the role was made for him.The main character doesn't even get the girl in the end. The action scenes are full of wire fighting and some good special effects. I think John Carpenter is one of the best at over the top special effects and this movie is a great example of that. Its a fun flick, watch it with some friends.

Eshi: Big Trouble is the standard "white guy saves the ethnics" trope when the white guy is John Wayne after a tragic DIY lobotomy accident. I love Kurt Russel, especially as the lucky incompetent, and this role is his fucking masterpiece. James Hong is delightful, as usual, the man plays a psychotic ancient sorcerer just as comfortably as he plays an ancient kung fu wizard. Kim Cattral is a little hammy but that stops really mattering after about ten minutes on screen. This film is worthy of a Saturday night, give it a shot.

2: Escape From New York
EFNY is a lot like BTiLC. Kurt Russel plays the main character, and it is written and directed by John Carpenter, but it is a far more serious film (on the surface at the very least). Snake Plissken is a criminal who is on his way to Manhattan, which has been turned into a super-prison. While he is being processed the President of the US crashlands on the island, and out of options, the police "ask" Snake to go onto the island and save the President in exchange for a pardon. This movie has some odd tonal issues. Its serious in some parts, i.e. the world will die to nuclear war if Snake fails, but at several points it just turns silly. At one point there is a musical number on Broadway about how New York Prison is fucked up. Regardless, its a fun movie, and another movie you should watch with friends.

Eshi: Escape from NY gave Hideo Kojima his first boner, and I'm weirdly okay with that. Snake Plissken is the painfully obvious inspiration for Solid Snake, and also the conceptual father of the "batman voice". He's also the president's only hope. Well, the president and some lady named Season with two lines in a Chock Full o' Nuts, but she gets dragged into a rape basement by a bunch of subterranean hobos. Isaac Hayes makes for a pretty believable murderous warlord and Harry Dean Stanton is as bewildered and interesting as always. This is one of those movies that I'm disappointed I hadn't seen yet, watch it if for no better reason than Kurt Russel gets to fight a giant with a nailbat.

3: Predator
This is another classic of the 80's, and one of the best action movies I have seen with two governors in it. A group of commandos is behind enemy lines when they realize that they are being hunted by something, and need to escape the jungle. With the combination of an invisible enemy and a harsh environment Predator is good at building tension. The cast is largely pretty good, and you can see why Ahhnold was popular in action back in the day. Carl Weathers' part is slightly ruined for me now though because of his character on Arrested Development. Its a great movie and a cultural touchstone that everyone should see at least once, especially if you want to find out what a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus looks like.

Eshi: I've just got to get it out of the way, Jesse "The Rapidly Cooling Body" Ventura is amazing in this movie. He's got like, five lines and they are all incomprehensibly macho. He's so many in this movie it gives him brain damage. Predator is another one of the action films that really walks the line between homophobic and thinly veiled gay porn. Not anywhere near as often or as aggressively as The Expendables, but its definitely there. Carl Weathers and Arnold have a strong but awkward chemistry that plays really well with the interaction between their characters. I feel like the random Hispanic woman was unnecessary, she isn't even really a love interest, she just serves as a one line local history dump and to kinda, sorta, almost justify Arnold's needless theory that the predator wont kill unarmed prey. It is a really fun action flick and has definitely earned its place in the pop culture annals.

So you want to be a Kung Fu Legend

Last week Brian set to work trying to help melodramatically inclined achieve a higher level of villainous competence. I had a lot of fun reading it and talking about it with him, so in grand literary tradition I'm nabbing it. Now lets make a better breed of kung fu fighter.

1. Be an orphan: Its unfortunate but everyone knows that having parents is liability to any aspiring head-puncher. Probably something to do with all the hugs. So if you want to be a legend you're going to have to make sure you grow up alone. I recommend, starting at a young age, encouraging your parents to go out to fancy plays in bad neighborhoods or living in a region prone to banditry.

2. Get a (mediocre) Master: Now that your parents are no longer there providing standards of appropriate behavior you're going to want to find a Master to train you. You're going to be tempted to find the most well renowned instructor in the area. Fight that instinct. No-one gets to be the best by hard work and training under a competent teacher. You want to find a second or even third rate instructor, someone who will really go down hard if pressed. Which brings us go point three.

3. Get your Master killed: They don't necessarily have to die, but it's important that they're permanently crippled and you never really talk to them again. It doesn't have to be your fault, but its better if it is. Try spending all your time harassing strangers at the market or in the town square. Maybe invent elaborate stories about how your Master is invincible or how supreme the style they teach is, and make sure to really lean on the baseless arrogance you've no doubt developed by this point. Its only a matter of time before you piss someone off enough to ,at least, clear out your dojo and beat down your Master.

4. Go train on a mountain or some shit: So some clearly superior fighter has taken the bait and murdered the only person willing to teach your douche ass to fight. Now you need to swear revenge and go train somewhere secluded. Could be a mountain, or an undersea trench if you're feeling fucking frisky, what matters is there can be no chance of actually receiving practical experience fighting other human beings. Its really vital that during this period you develop no meaningful social skills or learn about strategies involved in fighting martial artists. Fight a bear or something, maybe some wolves or a giant squid or shark if you went with the marine punchologist option.

5. Have a mystical revelation (optional): Experiencing some kind of, at least pseudo-mystical, enlightenment isn't necessary to being a kung fu legend, but it is pretty much the only way to stand a chance of learning crazy fight-magic, so it is recommended.

6. Play an elaborate game of cat and mouse with your Master's killer: Now at this point its pretty even odds that you're the bad guy in this situation, but hey don't worry, some legends are dicks. What matters is that by this point there could be no possible way you aren't probably a complete kung fu badass. So its time to cash in that oath of revenge. But first you're going to want to throw them off balance. Spend some time being cordial with your nemesis. Not only will it add flavor to the inevitable confrontation it'll allow you the opportunity to study them and learn whatever probable fight-magic they used to beat your Master for you.

7. Vengeance!: Alright, its time for the moneyshot. Throw down with your foe wherever feels natural. The important bit is that you beat them in whatever way is most complete for the given foe. An arrogant or bloodthirsty enemy might be best served by a show of compassion, mercy. Strong, proud enemies should be crushed unequivocally, maybe even go easy on them. Ancient demons or evil sorcerers should probably just be killed or banished with whatever magic kick or sacred fisting you have lined up.

8. Wander: Now that you've done what you set out to do its time to wander the land doing whatever strikes your fancy. This can't be surprising, what with the dead parents and extended isolation from human contact. You're no longer really capable of effectively interfacing with society. Go out into the world and do good works or seek a worthy foe or something. It doesn't really matter, you're a legend or something, do what you want.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we delved back into the the madness strewn adventures of Lovecraft with some Cthulian themed movies. Eshi and I love this type of movie. Lovecraft's way of doing horror affects the soul in a way that is very satisfying. Unfortunately, this week was a little weak...You'll see. To the list!

1: The Color Out of Space
COoS is about a young man traveling to Germany to find his father who has gone missing. While in Germany he meets a man who knew his father from the war who tells the son about their first meeting and why the land is bad around this area. I have mixed feelings about the movie. There is some overuse of CGI where practical effects could have been used instead. There is also a bit too much green screen, but neither really detracted from the movie by itself. I get when a movie is made and you don't have all the resources to do it right so I have been trying to not hold it against them. My favorite part of the movie was how it was in black and white and one of the subjects of the movie is a creature that emits an unnatural color, and to show this they always show the alien in color. Its an interesting way of handling that. The part of this movie that kind of ruined it for me is how boring it was. I like the base idea, and even where it went with it, but the movie just didn't capture my attention. Its not terrible, but its not great. Watch it, but don't expect to many surprises.

Eshi: Too much of this movie is reliant on the audience giving a fuck about things it gives us no reason to give a fuck about. For a movie about a guy looking for his dad, very little of it is concerned with either the guy or his dad. Basically, a bunch of weird shit happened to some people years ago and then some other people (like the aforementioned dad) stumble upon it and eventually the main character hears about it. As Brian says, it isn't terrible, we just aren't really given any opportunity to be interested, and considering the manic fascination that drives so much of Lovecraft's work, the lack is a painful one. I would go so far as to say don't bother with this one. Read the story though, just because this isn't a great adaptation doesn't mean the original doesn't deserve some attention.

2: Dagon
Dagon is based off of the Lovecraft story, The Shadow Over Innsmouth despite being named after another story. Dagon is a lot like Re-Animator in presentation. Its a little cheesy and over the top in ways that make the movie pulpy fun. The people who made this movie obviously had a lot of fun with it. The story is about Paul Marsh who, while on vacation off the coast of Spain with some friends and his S.O., is forced to go ashore when the boat he is on gets wrecked on a rock. While ashore he discovers the secret of Imboca and must escape a hoard of Fish-people. There is some memorable lines and some well done practical effects, though the acting is nothing to write home about. One complaint I have about this movie is when they show Dagon. Its a little cheesy and it gives a form to a type of monster that is better left nebulous. Don't expect high art, and you will enjoy this movie. Watch it with some friends and drinks and you will have a good time.

Eshi: Fucking fish-cults man, they ruin everything.

3: Shadows on the Wall
I hate bad movies. Not because they are bad, but because they make me wonder if there is something wrong with me. This is a bad movie. The main story is interesting and I think could have been quite good, but the execution was bad. You can miss this one. Eshi wanted to go into detail on this one so I will pass it off to him.

Eshi: Okay, I'm going to start by saying I don't have anything against student films. I feel like that's important to note because a lot of the problems with SotW are cliche student film issues. The problem is that it careens face first into those issues like a baby strapped to an impact test rocket. The premise is that an incompetent and awkward engineering student manages to convince his cousin and his math tutor to help him build a machine to "transmit data using background radiation without using a signal" using the schematic equivalent of a brain damaged child's finger-painting. There are stories of "insert technical jargon here" in the scripts of many sci-fi endeavors, and this is no different, save that the jargon is less technical and more a hodgepodge of buzzwords from a fifth-grade science class. Not only do they get pretty much nothing right, there's a kind of fevered pride to the stupidity that would be fucking hilarious if they didn't take it so seriously. There is no internal consistency to their concept at all and when the opportunity to bring the story back in line presents itself, it instead turns almost bravely towards incomprehensibility. Probably the worst part is how good it could have been, either as a campy comedy or as cosmic horror, with really any effort. Someone edited this thing. Someone, presumably someone who really didn't like Ben Carland, saw this and was like, "Yeah, sure, why not". The characters are all so bleakly cliche` as to be unbelievable as people, the writing is so bad that the movie would have been more compelling as a series of stills, and the science is so fucking bad they might as well have just defaulted to "engineering is magic" and not bothered. SotW is Plan 9 bad with none of Plan 9's charm.

An End to All This B&S

Okay, so I'm still a flake. The wells of inspiration have been hard to find and damn near impossible to plumb. Which is why this week the sponsor is Half-Assed Perseverance. Are you having a hard time giving a fuck about shit you do? Just plug away at it whenever you can be assed. You've probably got something else you could do, so see how you feel after doing that. Fuck it, you'll get it done eventually; with half-assed perseverance!



We spent several days with the villagers corroborating their story and establishing a plan of action. In the end our plans for vengeance were co-opted by cooler heads. Plans for fiery retribution were replaced by more insidious, institutional agendas. The village elders were truly brilliant in their maneuvering, not only had the deal with Mr. Portfeld been carefully worded to protect their interests it wasn't their only deal. Several other companies had approached the villagers, a fact that they had used to draw the attention of their local administrator; a brutal man whom they had managed to sway to their sympathy.

Their scheme was a good bit more ghastly than my initial hopes for a whorl of hellfire and gunpowder, almost enough to stir my sense of guilt. Instead we settled for letting them go about their sinister business and returning to Miskatonic. Newberg was displeased by the loss of Mr. Portfeld but quite glad to get underway building his factory. He was even quite happy to accept my recommendation to take on several of my former students as high level functionaries there. The sort of students with strong moral fiber and a ready habit of social responsibility, students with open minds and extensive background in eldritch mysteries. If anyone would be able to do right on that island it would be them.

I just hope that, in time, I'll be able to live down their disappearances.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we were in the mood for some classic Tarantino. Tarantino has a very unique style, blending from many different schools of film that Tarantino enjoys. His movies are witty, violent, and very entertaining. This was a good week, so to the list!

1: Pulp Fiction
We tend to try to avoid spoilers if possible on this blog, at least during weekly cinemeh, but in this case I don't feel like it is to much of a spoiler to say that this movie is one of the best movies ever made. It is shot well, it is funny, and it has one of the best ending monologues I have ever seen. Pulp Fiction is a story told from three different perspectives. The entire cast is great, but the standout for me is Samuel L. Jackson. Jackson is always a powerhouse and this movie makes great use of him, especially in the aforementioned monologue. It has a bit of everything; violence, mystery, comedy, and romance (though with one of the least sexy penetrations imaginable) but feels tight and well told. Its a great movie that you should watch if you haven't seen it (if only for the experience of a cultural phenomenon) and if you have seen it, you should watch it again.

Eshi: I almost feel bad for Quentin Tarantino; Pulp Fiction is a masterpiece and I feel like he made it too early in his career. He even manages to make a good character out of John Travolta, I mean, his over all personality still feels of a parasitic squid covered in anal lube, but under Tarantino's direction it works. Fuck yeah Harvey Keitel and also fuck yeah Tim Roth. Uma Therman is tragically unlikable as Mia Wallace, but I agree with Matt Sloan from Blame Society Films that it seems more an issue of writing than anything to do with her. I have to admit I'm starting to have weird feelings about Bruce Willis, and this performance contributes to that. I'm not entirely sure how to describe it, he just always seems like he's doing a Donald Trump impression but keeps smelling a fart he can't mention. Still, Pulp Fiction is easily in my top ten and I recommend it highly.

Honorable mentions:

This week we only watched one movie (sorry about that~), but I still wanted to release some other stuff on this list. So here are a few of my favorites that Tarantino has made.

1: Reservoir Dogs
This is a heist movie that takes place after the heist goes down poorly. It is a fantastic drama about criminals trying to figure out who the mole is in their crew. The cast is great and the movie is full of tension. While not as strong as Pulp Fiction, it is still a good movie and worth the watch.

Eshi: One of my favorite Tim Roth rolls, after the delightful Four Rooms of course. Reservoir Dogs is just tight enough to be super engaging and just loose enough to feel genuine. I agree with Brian that it isn't as good as Pulp Fiction but its still a great example of Tarantino's work.

2: Django Unchained
Django Unchained is Tarantino's version of a western. The movie follows Django, a former slave, and his bounty hunter friend on a quest to find and free Django's wife. There are a lot of people who complain about the n word's "overuse" in the movie but considering it is a pre-civil war version of the south, it makes sense that a bunch of people who thought slavery was ok might speak poorly of the people they own. Another well cast film, I love Jamie Foxx and Christoph Waltz's patter. You really get the sense that they have come to trust one another. Its got some more of the violence and wit you expect from Tarantino. Well worth the watch.

Eshi: Quentin Tarantino likes to make people say "nigger". I find that both somewhat amusing and more progressive than anyone who feels like damning someone who uses a certain word because of their race. Brian has covered the problems with language policing in some depth, so thats all I'm gonna say about that. I have never hated Leonardo DeCaprio more than I do in this movie, and its great. Pretty much all of the characters in Django Unchained are grand in their own (often aggressively over-the-top) way. The chemistry throughout the film is phenomenal, sadly only fumbled between Jamie Fox and Kerry Washington, the woman playing his wife. Still not enough to take away from the movie but enough to be a little disappointing.

3: Inglorious Bastards
Tarantino's version of a war movie, Inglorious Bastards tells the story of an operation to destroy a large portion of the Nazi leadership during a movie premiere in Paris. This movie was my first experience with Christoph Waltz, and I instantly fell in love with him. His character is terrifying and charming all at once, just the kind of villain I like. Watch it.

Eshi: While I enjoy Bastards, I feel like it starts to come apart a bit in the final act. It runs a little long, tries to tell a bit to much story all at once. It's still pretty cathartic, and fun as hell, but it definitely isn't Tarantino's strongest work. Christoph Waltz is amazing as usual as the most charismatic Nazi you've ever seen and the Bastards as a whole are a joy to watch. Certainly give this one a shot, just maybe don't buy it right out of the gate, especially because it streams free.

Weekly Cinemeh

Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. I'm sorry that we took a couple weeks off for the holiday's, but we are back now and ready to start the new year off well~. This week we decided to celebrate the new year by watching movies that represent renewal and new beginnings. We had some great movies this week, so without further ado: To the list!

1: Fight Club
Fight Club is about a man who hates his dull life. After meeting a charismatic man on a flight and having his apartment blown up, he help opens a fight club, which starts him on a path to self discovery. Fight Club is one of those movies that everyone should watch in their teens and then again in their twenties. It is one of those films that expresses doubts that a lot of people have around those ages, and it will resonate well, for different reasons depending on their age. The movie itself, is witty, irreverent, well shot, and the cast is fantastic. The issue I have with the movie is that for a movie about how consumerism is dangerous, and how value should be found from within, it has a ton of product placement. It is one of my favorite movies, and you should watch it.

Eshi: C'mon, you've seen Fight Club. It's the heart-warming story of a young man conquering his demons and finding love via a prolonged abusive bisexual relationship with a figment of his fevered madness. You know, the classic. Its also chock full of new beginnings to ring in your new year. Jack begins as a broken, white collar drone, then begins anew as first a pseudo-enlightened punch monster, then as a plucky hero, then again as a gunshot victim with a gentle soul. Marla almost dies and is reborn as a relatively well adjusted fuck object/soulmate. Hell, even bitch-tits Bob starts an exciting new career as fertilizer. I love Fight Club, it was a wonderful awakening to my pubescent sex drive and a great opportunity to feel superior when the jocks at my school decided having seen it made them classical philosophers. It gets a lot of flack for being pretentious or glorifying violence or fucking whatever, but frankly, like all fiction, you take away what you want, not what the creator wanted, so people should just chill the fuck out. Watch it, or watch it again.

2: Office Space
Office Space is about how working in a corporate environment is awful. The main character is a man working on updating software to prevent Y2K. He is incredibly distraught, and after seeing a hypnotherapist about it, decides to stop placing value in work, and focus elsewhere. This is another movie about how modern life has some faults, and anyone who has worked in an office will empathize with the main character, though I doubt many people will choose to deal with the problem the way he does. Office space is funny, has a great soundtrack, and resonates still today, 17 years after its release. I really like Ron Livingston as the main character, he captures the exasperation and desperation really well, and he is very funny. Jennifer Aniston also does well as the voice of reason, and the scene in which she quits her job is fantastic. This is a good movie, watch it.

Eshi: There really isn't much else to say about Office Space. It's a complete cathartic experience with a not-completely-terrible relationship subplot. Diedrich Bader and Ron Livingston both need more work and Gary Cole is always really good at being completely fucking loathsome.

3: Cabin in The Woods
We have talked about this movie on here before on the blog, but never in a Weekly Cinemeh. This movie is fantastic because it takes the standard "cabin in the woods" premise of horror movies and turns it on its head. I don't want to talk about the plot of this movie to much because it would spoil some of the plot points, but, I will say this: its a great horror movie for fans of horror movies. I have weird feelings about Joss Whedon. He has done some great work, but he also goes for cheap shots a lot. Here, he avoids the cheap emotional manipulation and tells a fantastic story. CitW is funny, and it pokes fun at the genre while still keeping the spirit of horror at the same time. Its a love letter to horror and it is fantastic. The actors are good, its funny, and it is a great movie all around. It inspires a  renewal of love for the genre, and should be watched. You will enjoy it.

Eshi: CitW is all the reasons I hate Joss Whedon. Its characters are rich, the plot is delightfully balanced between cliche and innovation, and the dialog is wonderfully written. So now I know what he's capable of, and how fucking lazy he is elsewhere. The casting is spot-on and on at least one occasion the best bong I've ever seen is used to save the day. Fuck Joss Whedon, watch this movie.