Alright, two consecutive weeks. I can do this. Probably. This week we have a very special sponsor: The vast, inconceivable reaches of the multiverse. NNUNPILN PIYBYUNPSXBOU YBPUN PXBUNON PNPCUIUNPAX UPAUNXIUBNP PIUNAXO IUAXBIUNPX PUNUB UBUBXNUUPB HYPJB YWIHXO IIA!!!
The child led us for what felt like hours, though there was no change in the quality of the light in the dismal, muculent shade of the deep jungle. After a time the boy stopped and waited for the whole of our party to gather to him. When we had all assembled he looked to each of us in turn and, being very slow and precise in his movements that we not misinterpret, he put his finger to his lips, then pointed first to the sky then to the ground. Then he put both of his hands to his heart and closed his eyes with a look of pained longing I did not imagine such a young face to be capable of. He opened his eyes, now wet with tears, and once again bid us quiet. Patrick and I looked to our companions and did our best to reinforce the seriousness of the boy's warning before nodding and encouraging him to lead on.
The entire atmosphere of the forest curdled as we pressed on. Cramped trails through a crushing monotony of green gave way to broad thoroughfares of immense alabaster trees carved to show the face of some twisted nightmare howling in rage or pain and seeping a fetid black sap. One of our party stifled a scream only to faint staring into the eyes of one of the nearby totems. I looked upon it and saw what had upset my compatriot. The wood of the tree was pink, as the letters had declared, but it was the pink of bloodless flesh and the tar that issued from it seemed to still be climbing toward the canopy, as though even gravity held no sway over it. Worse still was the soft howling filling the copse despite the wretched stillness that filled it. As though the trees needed no wind to moan here.
We collected our fallen ally and steeled ourselves for what must await us beyond the clearing. Our young guide waited for us to rally before setting off at a brisk pace. The wailing of the wood changed tones disconcertingly as we passed through it, starting as a low groan and building to an atonal cry before dropping to an eerie high hum. As we trudged on a powerful dread grew in my heart and I swear I heard teeth gnashing behind those horrid faces. We were fortunate that the path was short and the village was near, as after a few minutes of determined marching we passed through a dense thicket of brush and into the settlement beyond.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Friday, December 18, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we decided to watch movies dealing with deep horror. Horror beyond words, if you will. All of us here are are big fans of this kind of horror and the interesting madness that follows it. This week was dark and full of terror. To the list!
1: Pandorum
Pandorum is about how feeling the emptiness of the universe can drive people mad. In the movie, the characters talk about a syndrome called pandorum, which affects people who go into deep space. It causes them to go crazy and experience extreme paranoia. The movie opens with a ship sent into deep space to colonize a planet and reveals that during their journey, Earth was wiped out due to an unknown cause. The main character of the movie wakes up from cryo sleep an indeterminate amount of time after the news arrived at the ship, and the ship has gone to hell. Its up to him and his lieutenant to turn on the ship's power to find out what the hell happened. Pandorum has some great atmosphere and is good at making characters feel like they are alone in the universe. The movie gets a little actiony after the first act, and I think it suffers for that reason. A film with the same basic story but without the monsters would have been great for atmosphere and tension, but it could have been a little boring, so I see why they didn't do it. I feel like, without monsters, it could have explored the theme that Pandorum tried to explore a little better (we are alone in the universe and that is fucking scary). The cast is good, and I like the way they handled the encroaching madness of the main character. Its a good action oriented horror movie, watch it.
Eshi: I enjoy Pandorum, scary space shit brings me great joy, but it has the most superfluous love story ever. I'm not even being hyperbolic, the love subplot is so meaningless that not only does it have no bearing whatsoever on the story, it almost isn't a part of the film. It might actually serve to be shitty emotional manipulation if it ever really made an effort to make the audience give a fuck. Fortunately, as I said, it isn't even really a thing, so the general badassitude of the rest of the movie doesn't suffer much for it. Denis Quaid plays fucked up almost as well as his brother Randy is fucked up in real life. Ben Foster is a dandy protagonist and Norman Reedus is tragically wasted. What do you want here? Its a space thriller, just go watch it.
2: Infini
Infini is very similar to Pandorum. Once again we deal with monsters in deep space, though this time its a little more direct at the beginning of the movie. Infini is an outpost in the furtest reaches of space that the main character is forced to go to, to avoid being killed by a team that was sent their previously who returned all murder crazy from their mission. Another team is sent in to rescue the main character and turn off a machine on Infini that would be sending volatile material to Earth. The film explores humanity's interaction with itself and with beings that are far beyond the scope of human understanding. Its an interesting movie, though I don't think it explores this theme enough, and chooses to explore the murder-crazy aspect a little too hard. It gets some significant credit for one aspect though: time dilation is a major plot point (something that a lot of Sci Fi movies ignore). The rescue team finds the main character almost immediately and they shut off the device soon after, but they have to wait for Earth to start the procedure to teleport them all back, which takes less than a minute on Earth, but 8 hours on Infini. This creates some great tension, and raises the stakes while still being plausible. The ending leaves something to be desired, but doesn't ruin the movie.
Eshi: It amuses me how many movies seem to play as "space makes people grumpy" as a plot point. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot to be grumpy about in movies that use that trope, but it seems overplayed. Infini does kinda cover some new ground, or at least go a different direction than Pandorum, but not by as much as I'd like. There are two bits of plot that I really dug; the interplay between Whit and Chester is a lot of fun, and then they abort a fetus, for good reason even, without being too painfully hand wringy about it. I really enjoyed both Pandorum and Infini, but, uh... maybe don't chain watch these ones.
3: Pontypool
Pontypool is a hard movie to talk about without giving spoilers so I will try to avoid them. Its a zombie movie with non standard zombies which spread, not with a normal virus, but via a conceptual one. Basically it is a horror movie that takes an aspect of humanity, language, and makes it our worst enemy. This is a bottle movie, much like the other two, but this time its on Earth (in Canada to be more precise). Bottle movies are a great way to do horror because it makes the possibility of just running the fuck away impossible. The cast is good, and its shot well. Its a fun movie, watch it.
Eshi: Just fucking watch this one. Its spectacularly shot, the plot is surprisingly tight for how little Oh Shit there is, and the tension is oppressive. Fuck yeah, that is all.
1: Pandorum
Pandorum is about how feeling the emptiness of the universe can drive people mad. In the movie, the characters talk about a syndrome called pandorum, which affects people who go into deep space. It causes them to go crazy and experience extreme paranoia. The movie opens with a ship sent into deep space to colonize a planet and reveals that during their journey, Earth was wiped out due to an unknown cause. The main character of the movie wakes up from cryo sleep an indeterminate amount of time after the news arrived at the ship, and the ship has gone to hell. Its up to him and his lieutenant to turn on the ship's power to find out what the hell happened. Pandorum has some great atmosphere and is good at making characters feel like they are alone in the universe. The movie gets a little actiony after the first act, and I think it suffers for that reason. A film with the same basic story but without the monsters would have been great for atmosphere and tension, but it could have been a little boring, so I see why they didn't do it. I feel like, without monsters, it could have explored the theme that Pandorum tried to explore a little better (we are alone in the universe and that is fucking scary). The cast is good, and I like the way they handled the encroaching madness of the main character. Its a good action oriented horror movie, watch it.
Eshi: I enjoy Pandorum, scary space shit brings me great joy, but it has the most superfluous love story ever. I'm not even being hyperbolic, the love subplot is so meaningless that not only does it have no bearing whatsoever on the story, it almost isn't a part of the film. It might actually serve to be shitty emotional manipulation if it ever really made an effort to make the audience give a fuck. Fortunately, as I said, it isn't even really a thing, so the general badassitude of the rest of the movie doesn't suffer much for it. Denis Quaid plays fucked up almost as well as his brother Randy is fucked up in real life. Ben Foster is a dandy protagonist and Norman Reedus is tragically wasted. What do you want here? Its a space thriller, just go watch it.
2: Infini
Infini is very similar to Pandorum. Once again we deal with monsters in deep space, though this time its a little more direct at the beginning of the movie. Infini is an outpost in the furtest reaches of space that the main character is forced to go to, to avoid being killed by a team that was sent their previously who returned all murder crazy from their mission. Another team is sent in to rescue the main character and turn off a machine on Infini that would be sending volatile material to Earth. The film explores humanity's interaction with itself and with beings that are far beyond the scope of human understanding. Its an interesting movie, though I don't think it explores this theme enough, and chooses to explore the murder-crazy aspect a little too hard. It gets some significant credit for one aspect though: time dilation is a major plot point (something that a lot of Sci Fi movies ignore). The rescue team finds the main character almost immediately and they shut off the device soon after, but they have to wait for Earth to start the procedure to teleport them all back, which takes less than a minute on Earth, but 8 hours on Infini. This creates some great tension, and raises the stakes while still being plausible. The ending leaves something to be desired, but doesn't ruin the movie.
Eshi: It amuses me how many movies seem to play as "space makes people grumpy" as a plot point. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot to be grumpy about in movies that use that trope, but it seems overplayed. Infini does kinda cover some new ground, or at least go a different direction than Pandorum, but not by as much as I'd like. There are two bits of plot that I really dug; the interplay between Whit and Chester is a lot of fun, and then they abort a fetus, for good reason even, without being too painfully hand wringy about it. I really enjoyed both Pandorum and Infini, but, uh... maybe don't chain watch these ones.
3: Pontypool
Pontypool is a hard movie to talk about without giving spoilers so I will try to avoid them. Its a zombie movie with non standard zombies which spread, not with a normal virus, but via a conceptual one. Basically it is a horror movie that takes an aspect of humanity, language, and makes it our worst enemy. This is a bottle movie, much like the other two, but this time its on Earth (in Canada to be more precise). Bottle movies are a great way to do horror because it makes the possibility of just running the fuck away impossible. The cast is good, and its shot well. Its a fun movie, watch it.
Eshi: Just fucking watch this one. Its spectacularly shot, the plot is surprisingly tight for how little Oh Shit there is, and the tension is oppressive. Fuck yeah, that is all.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Ho Shit! Its Brennan & Smythe!
I think it should be clear by now that the sponsors for these are meaningless. I'd rather smoke than drink, Murphey's Law pretty much only kicks in for me when I find it theatrically interesting and clearly I've no intention of getting my shit together. Which brings us to today's sponsor!
It was there for you when you decided to stand up to your asshole boss. When you were an infant and the whole world was new and fascinating, it held you up above your parents and their friends. Every time you've had to choose between what You wanted and what They wanted from you, it had your back. Not Giving a Fuck. Because its not the end of the fucking world.
Consciousness returned dragging agony behind it. I felt as though the shriek had shaken something loose from my essence, in addition to ringing my skeleton like a tuning fork. Once I had managed to convince my eyes to focus, the ache in my bones settled into my wrists and shoulders, where I'd apparently been bound. The camp lay completely undisturbed, though all of my companions were similarly disabled. Patrick, having unsurprisingly beaten me to alertness, sat struggling across the campfire from me. Between the two of us we managed to loose our bonds and set to work freeing our compatriots in short order.
My assertion that our things had been left unmolested proved wrong when, upon checking our packs, we all found a small stone talisman resting atop our belongings. Fortunately, the markings on the talisman proved quite familiar. I had, in fact, had the same mark inked into my forearm after it had proven both quite legitimate and incredibly useful when we'd first encountered it some years ago in Paraguay. Either our assailants had accidentally all dropped their own protection carefully into our closed packs, or these people did not wish harm upon us. The symbol could mean something else to these people, but given it's intricate detail and the general disconcerting similarity amongst the cults we'd investigated so far, I was willing to wager on our safety.
I asked the young Englishwoman we'd conscripted as our interpreter to loudly and clearly express our peaceful intent to the jungle at large, of the mind that whomever had accosted us was also likely keeping us under surveillance. Sure enough, not five minutes had passed before a small child strode into the camp to lead us (presumably) to his people.
It was there for you when you decided to stand up to your asshole boss. When you were an infant and the whole world was new and fascinating, it held you up above your parents and their friends. Every time you've had to choose between what You wanted and what They wanted from you, it had your back. Not Giving a Fuck. Because its not the end of the fucking world.
Consciousness returned dragging agony behind it. I felt as though the shriek had shaken something loose from my essence, in addition to ringing my skeleton like a tuning fork. Once I had managed to convince my eyes to focus, the ache in my bones settled into my wrists and shoulders, where I'd apparently been bound. The camp lay completely undisturbed, though all of my companions were similarly disabled. Patrick, having unsurprisingly beaten me to alertness, sat struggling across the campfire from me. Between the two of us we managed to loose our bonds and set to work freeing our compatriots in short order.
My assertion that our things had been left unmolested proved wrong when, upon checking our packs, we all found a small stone talisman resting atop our belongings. Fortunately, the markings on the talisman proved quite familiar. I had, in fact, had the same mark inked into my forearm after it had proven both quite legitimate and incredibly useful when we'd first encountered it some years ago in Paraguay. Either our assailants had accidentally all dropped their own protection carefully into our closed packs, or these people did not wish harm upon us. The symbol could mean something else to these people, but given it's intricate detail and the general disconcerting similarity amongst the cults we'd investigated so far, I was willing to wager on our safety.
I asked the young Englishwoman we'd conscripted as our interpreter to loudly and clearly express our peaceful intent to the jungle at large, of the mind that whomever had accosted us was also likely keeping us under surveillance. Sure enough, not five minutes had passed before a small child strode into the camp to lead us (presumably) to his people.
Friday, December 11, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we decided to do another director theme week and went with Sam Raimi. Sam Raimi is famous for his horror, (particularly the Evil Dead franchise) and Spider-man movies and this week we decided to go with a horror movie version of a super hero, a movie where everyone makes the wrong decisions constantly, and a movie about an unwilling psychic detective. I love Sam Raimi's work for the most part because he is good at making the world just a little bit odd in his way (usually via delightfully over the top special effects). Anyway, to the list!
1:Darkman
Darkman is a movie about why confirming your kill is important, especially if you are a sadistic, evil, motherfucker. Darkman is a superhero who is unable to feel any pain after a non-consensual experiment to save his life after his lab is blown up by a bunch of drug dealers who are trying to get incriminating evidence that was left there by Darkman's SO. Darkman decides that he should avenge himself and his lab assistant by murdering all those involved, either directly or by copying their face (via a machine he was working on in his lab that creates skin to help burn victims) and setting them up to fail at not being fragged by their buddies. Its a good movie about an antihero who just stops caring if he can come back from his fall. I love Sam Raimi for the special effects in this movie. Its so fucking good to see a skeletal hand type on a keyboard when it is not made of CGI. It looked fantastic. Raimi is also a great director for this type of movie, and manages to get the most out of his actors when he needs them to portray their characters as acted by Darkman. Liam Neeson seems a little wasted for a lot of this movie, what with other actors playing his part for half the movie. But I digress, its a fun movie and well worth the watch.
Eshi: Man for movie starring Liam Neeson there is really not a lot of him in this. Even when he isn't "impersonating" someone else, half the stunt scenes where Bruce Campbell doing a hilarious Liam Neeson impression. Really, Neeson is only ever on screen so we can see his face melt, which seems morbid. That said, it was pretty damn good. Nobody manages the line between the uncanny valley and the camp-ass hill quite like Sam Raimi.
2:A Simple Plan
A Simple Plan is about 3 guys driving in the boonies when they stumble across a crashed plane full of money and decide to split it up. This goes about about as well as you could imagine. I don't want to steal Eshi's thunder to much, but as we watched this movie he mentioned that it should be called "Bad Decisions: The Movie" and I couldn't agree more. Greed has a way of making people act stupidly and this move embodies that. The cast is good, but to no one's surprise, Billy Bob Thornton stands out. His character has the most depth of any in the film, partially because he is constantly being forced into situations he doesn't want to be in by other people, and partially because Thornton is a fantastic actor. Raimi's direction is good, he gets a lot out of his actors, particularly in the soul crushing ending. I have wanted to see more Noir lately and this movie fills that gap nicely. The Femme Fatale is particularly well done. I would like to see Raimi do more noir. Its a good movie, watch it.
Eshi: There are just so many terrible people in this fucking movie. BBT's character is just kind of an idiot, makes a bad decision and spends the rest of the story getting dragged into further stupidity. Bridget Fonda's character is just straight up evil at pretty much every opportunity and Bill Paxton is a weird combination of spineless and unnecessarily extreme. Brent Briscoe plays That Guy and Rule # 4 gets put off for too long. I agree with Brian that I'd like to see Sam Raimi do more Noir because, as with all good Noir, the fact that everyone is fucking awful doesn't meaningfully detract from the film.
3:The Gift
The Gift is about a woman with psychic powers helping the police to find a woman after she goes missing. When the evidence puts the wrong man in jail, she continues to try to find out who the real killer is using her powers. Cate Blanchett was great as the leading actor of this movie, she adds a lot of depth to a character that could have been kind of flat. Also, I don't know if I have ever wanted to see a Keanu Reeves character get murdered more than his racist, wife beating character in this movie. Sam Raimi dips a little into his Horror roots with some of the stuff, and it pays off well. Its pretty good, and lent some odd context to something I saw a while ago.
Eshi: Keanu Redneck is the worst Keanu. The fact that his character isn't subject to glorious shotgun violence is an affront to decency. Also, Zener cards =/= Tarot cards, no matter how apt you try to make the squiggly one. Katie Holmes is unnecessary, which isn't a good trait for the corpse in a murder mystery. I enjoyed The Gift, albeit grudgingly, and much of that joy derives from Giovani Ribisi's character. Don't rent it, even if you couldn't get it on Netflix.
1:Darkman
Darkman is a movie about why confirming your kill is important, especially if you are a sadistic, evil, motherfucker. Darkman is a superhero who is unable to feel any pain after a non-consensual experiment to save his life after his lab is blown up by a bunch of drug dealers who are trying to get incriminating evidence that was left there by Darkman's SO. Darkman decides that he should avenge himself and his lab assistant by murdering all those involved, either directly or by copying their face (via a machine he was working on in his lab that creates skin to help burn victims) and setting them up to fail at not being fragged by their buddies. Its a good movie about an antihero who just stops caring if he can come back from his fall. I love Sam Raimi for the special effects in this movie. Its so fucking good to see a skeletal hand type on a keyboard when it is not made of CGI. It looked fantastic. Raimi is also a great director for this type of movie, and manages to get the most out of his actors when he needs them to portray their characters as acted by Darkman. Liam Neeson seems a little wasted for a lot of this movie, what with other actors playing his part for half the movie. But I digress, its a fun movie and well worth the watch.
Eshi: Man for movie starring Liam Neeson there is really not a lot of him in this. Even when he isn't "impersonating" someone else, half the stunt scenes where Bruce Campbell doing a hilarious Liam Neeson impression. Really, Neeson is only ever on screen so we can see his face melt, which seems morbid. That said, it was pretty damn good. Nobody manages the line between the uncanny valley and the camp-ass hill quite like Sam Raimi.
2:A Simple Plan
A Simple Plan is about 3 guys driving in the boonies when they stumble across a crashed plane full of money and decide to split it up. This goes about about as well as you could imagine. I don't want to steal Eshi's thunder to much, but as we watched this movie he mentioned that it should be called "Bad Decisions: The Movie" and I couldn't agree more. Greed has a way of making people act stupidly and this move embodies that. The cast is good, but to no one's surprise, Billy Bob Thornton stands out. His character has the most depth of any in the film, partially because he is constantly being forced into situations he doesn't want to be in by other people, and partially because Thornton is a fantastic actor. Raimi's direction is good, he gets a lot out of his actors, particularly in the soul crushing ending. I have wanted to see more Noir lately and this movie fills that gap nicely. The Femme Fatale is particularly well done. I would like to see Raimi do more noir. Its a good movie, watch it.
Eshi: There are just so many terrible people in this fucking movie. BBT's character is just kind of an idiot, makes a bad decision and spends the rest of the story getting dragged into further stupidity. Bridget Fonda's character is just straight up evil at pretty much every opportunity and Bill Paxton is a weird combination of spineless and unnecessarily extreme. Brent Briscoe plays That Guy and Rule # 4 gets put off for too long. I agree with Brian that I'd like to see Sam Raimi do more Noir because, as with all good Noir, the fact that everyone is fucking awful doesn't meaningfully detract from the film.
3:The Gift
The Gift is about a woman with psychic powers helping the police to find a woman after she goes missing. When the evidence puts the wrong man in jail, she continues to try to find out who the real killer is using her powers. Cate Blanchett was great as the leading actor of this movie, she adds a lot of depth to a character that could have been kind of flat. Also, I don't know if I have ever wanted to see a Keanu Reeves character get murdered more than his racist, wife beating character in this movie. Sam Raimi dips a little into his Horror roots with some of the stuff, and it pays off well. Its pretty good, and lent some odd context to something I saw a while ago.
Eshi: Keanu Redneck is the worst Keanu. The fact that his character isn't subject to glorious shotgun violence is an affront to decency. Also, Zener cards =/= Tarot cards, no matter how apt you try to make the squiggly one. Katie Holmes is unnecessary, which isn't a good trait for the corpse in a murder mystery. I enjoyed The Gift, albeit grudgingly, and much of that joy derives from Giovani Ribisi's character. Don't rent it, even if you couldn't get it on Netflix.
Friday, December 4, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This weeks theme has a bit of a backstory. For the past few weeks we have been watching a lot of James Bond films because Eshi and his SO haven't seen a lot of them, so we decided to watch a bunch because they are fun. This got us in the mood to watch some of the good spy comedy movies, Austin Powers. So this week we watched all three, so lets get to the list.
1: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Austin Powers is a classic spoof of James Bond. There are some great references to the original movies and it has some fun poking at itself. The movie is about a villain freezing himself in the 60s to attack the world in the future when Austin Powers wouldn't be around. Austin decides to freeze himself to be revived when the world needs him again. In 1997 Dr. Evil returns to hold the world hostage and Austin gets revived to fight him. Its a fun movie with a great tongue in cheek way of pointing out how James Bond is a relic of a different time that needs to change to be relevant again. Mike Myers has a good sense of humor, and watching him run around as caricatures of Bond tropes is a good time. I also love the idea behind Seth Green's character. Myers has always been good at spoofing stuff and this movie might be the pinnacle of that. The problem with spoofs though, is that it is hard to tell when a problem with the movie is a commentary on the subject or just a shitty move by the director. The one that stands out the most to me from all three movies is how the Bond Girl analogs don't seem into the movie, they just seem to be there to be eye candy. I felt the same way about most of the actual Bond Girls as well so I don't know if it is intentional or not. Regardless it is a fun movie, and if you are a fan of James Bond you'll probably get a kick.
Eshi: Dr. Evil is unequivocally the best Bond villain, and there was a movie where 007 fights goddamn Christopher Walken. The slavish playing to tropes combined with the casual disregard for reality highlights the complete scope of personality required in a Bondian antagonist and I fucking love it. There are a good number of fun cameos in this one, including Will Farrell. Really all of the Austin Powers movies are pretty much what you'd expect; cheesy, fun romps about an anachronistic fuck machine who, on occasion, saves the world. Though I would recommend against a sober viewing
2: Austin Powers: The Spy Who shagged me
I think this movie is the best of the three. Dr Evil is back and goes back in time to steal Austin Power's "Mojo". Austin goes back in time to get his mojo back and stop Dr Evil's plan to blow up cities with his giant moon laser. As this movie deals with time travel, shit should get complicated, but the movie knows that this aspect shouldn't be taken seriously, and just tells you that straight to your face. This little joke is my favorite part of the series because it tells you what the series is all about: Just have a good time watching this fun film we have made. Myers is fun to watch again, just like in the first film. I prefer Heather Graham to Elizabeth Hurley, but only because she appears to have more fun with her role, and the introduction of Fat Bastard leads to some fun scenes. All in all I think it is a more competent movie because they don't have to spend so much time on fish out of water jokes like they did in the first movie. Mini Me is also a very funny addition, and makes the movie different enough from the first one to warrant a watch.
Eshi: I don't know if its intentional, but I really dislike all the female characters in these movies. Elizabeth Hurley was kinda wooden, but she seemed like she was supposed to be. Heather Graham
always looks kinda surprised to me, which is off-putting, and Beyonce frankly just seemed disappointed in herself. As usual Seth Green is fun as fuck and he has pretty solid chemistry with Myers. Really my only issue with this movie is Fat Bastard. He represents the cheapest, laziest fucking writing and his character is both fundamentally insulting and kinda superfluous to the plot, and keep in mind, this is the movie where he is the entire narrative drive. Other than that though, fuck yeah. Space lasers, spy fucking, and a dwarf, what's not to like?
3: Austin Powers in Goldmember
This is a strange movie. Once again I am unsure if the spoof is that this is supposed to be a Hollywood sellout movie, or if its just a Hollywood sellout movie. I have the feeling that is spoofing, but also taking advantage of being able to do it. This movie feels like it lost the heart of the original and its sequel. It seems like something that didn't want to be made. This time Dr. Evil goes back in time to get another evil villain to help him destroy the world, and its up to Austin Powers and Beyonce to stop him. The new character that Myers plays in this movie is the best part of it. Goldmember is a dutch version of Auric Goldfinger from the movie Goldfinger and is funny, but not enough to save the film. To be honest you could skip this movie and it wouldn't matter at all. There are a few very funny moments, but not enough to warrant watching it for them alone. I wouldn't suggest watching it unless you absolutely need to see more Austin Powers
Eshi: Ugh, to paraphrase the highly talented Soren Bowie, my arm is not long enough for the jerk off motion that this fucking thing inspires in my soul. It's trying to hard, which might be okay if it had any idea what it was doing. But fucking no. They half-assedly try to nest the story in a shitty blockbuster of itself strictly so they can pad their stupid cameo list. The world did not need Screwloose Von Middletooth to be Austin Powers for eight seconds. Fat Bastard is still repellent, Seth Green is still underutilized, and Mike Myers plays too many fucking characters. Don't bother, we only did because we're both compulsive completionists, and it still took us all week to gather the requisite fucks to rent the fucking thing.
1: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Austin Powers is a classic spoof of James Bond. There are some great references to the original movies and it has some fun poking at itself. The movie is about a villain freezing himself in the 60s to attack the world in the future when Austin Powers wouldn't be around. Austin decides to freeze himself to be revived when the world needs him again. In 1997 Dr. Evil returns to hold the world hostage and Austin gets revived to fight him. Its a fun movie with a great tongue in cheek way of pointing out how James Bond is a relic of a different time that needs to change to be relevant again. Mike Myers has a good sense of humor, and watching him run around as caricatures of Bond tropes is a good time. I also love the idea behind Seth Green's character. Myers has always been good at spoofing stuff and this movie might be the pinnacle of that. The problem with spoofs though, is that it is hard to tell when a problem with the movie is a commentary on the subject or just a shitty move by the director. The one that stands out the most to me from all three movies is how the Bond Girl analogs don't seem into the movie, they just seem to be there to be eye candy. I felt the same way about most of the actual Bond Girls as well so I don't know if it is intentional or not. Regardless it is a fun movie, and if you are a fan of James Bond you'll probably get a kick.
Eshi: Dr. Evil is unequivocally the best Bond villain, and there was a movie where 007 fights goddamn Christopher Walken. The slavish playing to tropes combined with the casual disregard for reality highlights the complete scope of personality required in a Bondian antagonist and I fucking love it. There are a good number of fun cameos in this one, including Will Farrell. Really all of the Austin Powers movies are pretty much what you'd expect; cheesy, fun romps about an anachronistic fuck machine who, on occasion, saves the world. Though I would recommend against a sober viewing
2: Austin Powers: The Spy Who shagged me
I think this movie is the best of the three. Dr Evil is back and goes back in time to steal Austin Power's "Mojo". Austin goes back in time to get his mojo back and stop Dr Evil's plan to blow up cities with his giant moon laser. As this movie deals with time travel, shit should get complicated, but the movie knows that this aspect shouldn't be taken seriously, and just tells you that straight to your face. This little joke is my favorite part of the series because it tells you what the series is all about: Just have a good time watching this fun film we have made. Myers is fun to watch again, just like in the first film. I prefer Heather Graham to Elizabeth Hurley, but only because she appears to have more fun with her role, and the introduction of Fat Bastard leads to some fun scenes. All in all I think it is a more competent movie because they don't have to spend so much time on fish out of water jokes like they did in the first movie. Mini Me is also a very funny addition, and makes the movie different enough from the first one to warrant a watch.
Eshi: I don't know if its intentional, but I really dislike all the female characters in these movies. Elizabeth Hurley was kinda wooden, but she seemed like she was supposed to be. Heather Graham
always looks kinda surprised to me, which is off-putting, and Beyonce frankly just seemed disappointed in herself. As usual Seth Green is fun as fuck and he has pretty solid chemistry with Myers. Really my only issue with this movie is Fat Bastard. He represents the cheapest, laziest fucking writing and his character is both fundamentally insulting and kinda superfluous to the plot, and keep in mind, this is the movie where he is the entire narrative drive. Other than that though, fuck yeah. Space lasers, spy fucking, and a dwarf, what's not to like?
3: Austin Powers in Goldmember
This is a strange movie. Once again I am unsure if the spoof is that this is supposed to be a Hollywood sellout movie, or if its just a Hollywood sellout movie. I have the feeling that is spoofing, but also taking advantage of being able to do it. This movie feels like it lost the heart of the original and its sequel. It seems like something that didn't want to be made. This time Dr. Evil goes back in time to get another evil villain to help him destroy the world, and its up to Austin Powers and Beyonce to stop him. The new character that Myers plays in this movie is the best part of it. Goldmember is a dutch version of Auric Goldfinger from the movie Goldfinger and is funny, but not enough to save the film. To be honest you could skip this movie and it wouldn't matter at all. There are a few very funny moments, but not enough to warrant watching it for them alone. I wouldn't suggest watching it unless you absolutely need to see more Austin Powers
Eshi: Ugh, to paraphrase the highly talented Soren Bowie, my arm is not long enough for the jerk off motion that this fucking thing inspires in my soul. It's trying to hard, which might be okay if it had any idea what it was doing. But fucking no. They half-assedly try to nest the story in a shitty blockbuster of itself strictly so they can pad their stupid cameo list. The world did not need Screwloose Von Middletooth to be Austin Powers for eight seconds. Fat Bastard is still repellent, Seth Green is still underutilized, and Mike Myers plays too many fucking characters. Don't bother, we only did because we're both compulsive completionists, and it still took us all week to gather the requisite fucks to rent the fucking thing.
Monday, November 30, 2015
The Shocking Endeavors of Brennan & Smythe: Some More Finally
Okay, I know I've been a fucking louse lately. Medical issues and general malaise have left me pretty much incapable of sustained creativity, so the idea of putting together a continuous narrative has been equal parts insurmountable and agonizing. But things are getting better and I love writing B&S so I'm gonna soldier on today. That brings us to our sponsor: Getting Your Shit Together.
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We set out briskly after a sparse breakfast. The locals seemed happy to watch us go, for all their hospitality I imagine they feared the barbarians at their gates taking their kindness to us as some kind of affront. In truth I at least was glad to be underway in earnest. The old man's tales of dark Gods and evil magics had festered in my dreams and made me desperate to learn their truth. Our journeys had given me glimpses of the knowledge and power I craved. I became more convinced than ever that if only I could learn the wicked secret behind the horrors that these cults summoned to their aid I could be a vaccine. That I could use their sickening craft to fight them. If only I could find the Will to look upon their works and the strength to understand. But I digress.
The forest air was thick and stagnant. Oppressive. At least the undergrowth was soft and, for a while at least, yielded readily to our axes and machetes. Though the stink of the bleeding flora made our eyes sting, and their vital juices had dulled our blades irredeemably by midday, we were mostly in good spirits. There was a small clearing near a stream where we stopped for lunch. It was a quiet place, more so than the stretch of jungle we'd passed through. A persistent quietude that one of the younger volunteers, Simmons I think, commented upon with some measure of trepidation. He was right to be concerned, it turned out.
We had nearly finished our lunch when a shrill cry filled the forest, as though the rage and pain of all the world was being forced through the bent and twisted trees. It made my soul ache and my vision swim. Dear friends I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could tell you what transpired over the next few hours, but the cry, that horrid shriek, robbed my of consciousness. I did not wake until at least that night, and the waking was cold comfort.
Are you tired of all your shit being fucked up? Has the effort of holding the tattered remnants of your life and sanity together effected your work and social life? Try Getting Your Shit Together! You too can bask in the mild satisfaction of generally being okay. You'll be vaguely surprised at how quickly your your life slightly improves! Get Your Shit Together today!
We set out briskly after a sparse breakfast. The locals seemed happy to watch us go, for all their hospitality I imagine they feared the barbarians at their gates taking their kindness to us as some kind of affront. In truth I at least was glad to be underway in earnest. The old man's tales of dark Gods and evil magics had festered in my dreams and made me desperate to learn their truth. Our journeys had given me glimpses of the knowledge and power I craved. I became more convinced than ever that if only I could learn the wicked secret behind the horrors that these cults summoned to their aid I could be a vaccine. That I could use their sickening craft to fight them. If only I could find the Will to look upon their works and the strength to understand. But I digress.
The forest air was thick and stagnant. Oppressive. At least the undergrowth was soft and, for a while at least, yielded readily to our axes and machetes. Though the stink of the bleeding flora made our eyes sting, and their vital juices had dulled our blades irredeemably by midday, we were mostly in good spirits. There was a small clearing near a stream where we stopped for lunch. It was a quiet place, more so than the stretch of jungle we'd passed through. A persistent quietude that one of the younger volunteers, Simmons I think, commented upon with some measure of trepidation. He was right to be concerned, it turned out.
We had nearly finished our lunch when a shrill cry filled the forest, as though the rage and pain of all the world was being forced through the bent and twisted trees. It made my soul ache and my vision swim. Dear friends I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could tell you what transpired over the next few hours, but the cry, that horrid shriek, robbed my of consciousness. I did not wake until at least that night, and the waking was cold comfort.
Friday, November 27, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week our theme was cop movies. We had a lot to choose from this week so we picked some classics. Cop movies are odd because in most of them the main characters are cheered on for doing their jobs poorly, but because they are doing it for justice we are cool with it. Anyways, it was a fun week, To the list!
1: Serpico
Serpico is about a cop who is the only person who wants to follow the law, breaking with what I said in my intro. One of the cool/terrifying things about this movie is that it is based on an actual policeman who revealed the massive police corruption in the NYPD. The movie starts with Serpico getting shot and immediately goes into a flashback of his career as a cop, from beat cop to plainclothes. Serpico is a good officer with one flaw, he is the only clean cop on the force. Serpico then starts trying to clean up the force by working with some state investigators while also trying to not get killed by other cops who don't trust him because he isn't dirty like them. Al Pacino is the standout talent in this film as a policeman on the edge, not just because he wants justice to prevail, but because he doesn't want to get killed doing it (though the rest of the cast is competent). This is one of the better biography movies I have seen because it isn't only an entertaining movie but also has a good message that still needs to be addressed. The direction is solid, and the movie is great at building tension. Its a good movie, watch it.
Eshi: I have a hard time buying Pacino as a cop, and the fact that Serpico is the least stereotypical cop possible doesn't really help. He just always looks a little surprised and bewildered by the world around him to me. Fortunately, that kinda helps in this role, as Serpico is constantly being threatened and harangued for what really ought to be normal behavior for a cop. Really, Serpico is a pretty bad ass film about a pretty nifty dude, hampered only by the fact that old movies all seem to have a very flat tone to me. I think its a lighting thing. Anyway, if you wanna spend a couple hours just fucking loathing New York this is a great choice.
2: The French Connection
This is another movie that has a basis in reality, though its far more fictionalized than Serpico. This is a movie about a cop on the edge and his partner who is slightly less on the edge going after a drug ring that is starting to move on a big deal. Gene Hackman has always been good at playing a slightly angry tough guy, and this movie shows that off quite well. In this case the bad guy's attempt to kill him drives him to be perhaps a bit overzealous, and his quest for revenge makes him less of a cop and more of a vigilante. I am also a fan of Roy Scheider who plays the less aggressive partner to Gene Hackman's character. The two have good chemistry and its fun watching them run around being cops. There is an unfortunate side effect of watching this movie almost 50 years after it was released: it doesn't seem quite as fresh as it did back then. TFC came out in 1971 and for back then the car chase scene was very new and this one in particular was spectacular, but thanks to movies like the Bourne trilogy and a variety of others, chase scenes have transcended what they used to be. This is unfortunate, because the big chase is still good, and is shot well, it just seems a little less unique than it should. Don't take that statement as a negative, the movie is good, and you should still watch it, I just wish I had seen it earlier.
Eshi: Soooo, Gene Hackman's character looses his shit in this movie. Brian kinda points it out, but really man, dude murder's a fellow cop straight up. And he gives no fucks, just keeps on about his murder-business. I don't even feel bad about spoiling that, the movie is from '71 and I mean... Jesus. Like a full cylinder into the dude. That said, there are some nice buddy cop moments and and watching Hackman get dragged around New York by a fancy Frenchman is a lot of fun. Still has that old movie slog that came up with Serpico but its still definitely forgivable. Give it a try sometime.
3: Beverly Hills Cop
Beverly Hills cop is a movie about a cop from Detroit going to Beverly Hills to solve the murder of his friend. This was one of my favorite cop movies when I was a teenager. When I saw it, I saw the TV cut which has about 50 less fucks, but that doesn't cut enough of the movie out to ruin it or anything. It was older than I was at the time and it was my first experience with Eddie Murphy as not a shitty kids movie comedian. Eddie Murphy's charisma and joking attitude made the story a little less harrowing for 15 year old me and seeing it again after a few years made me realize what a great movie it is to get a person into crime dramas. It still has a gritty story about a cop hunting the people who gunned down his best friend but does so not by killing a bunch of goons, but instead by using his wits to turn situations to his favor. Eddie Murphy is great in a complex role (you can tell he wants to kill the bad guy, but that he knows he can't because he is a cop) and his two cop sidekicks/babysitters are also fun to watch, particularly Judge Reinhold. Its a good movie that deserves a watch, even if it is a little dated (especially the music).
Eshi: I really dislike what Eddie Murphy has become, and Beverly Hills Cop is fucking why. In it; he's funny, charming, relatively intelligent, and engaging as a protagonist. Yet for, I don't know, twenty years or so, the man has just been a fucking chore to watch. Happily; this is not that, and BHC is delightful. Watching Murphy drag a bunch of straight-faced grumpy fucks around L.A. as a social character is grand. Its especially pleasant in our current climate of general police cuntitude. I just hope Eddie Murphy gets his shit together, 'cause he's been really bad for a long time and this proves that, at least once upon a time, he can do better.
1: Serpico
Serpico is about a cop who is the only person who wants to follow the law, breaking with what I said in my intro. One of the cool/terrifying things about this movie is that it is based on an actual policeman who revealed the massive police corruption in the NYPD. The movie starts with Serpico getting shot and immediately goes into a flashback of his career as a cop, from beat cop to plainclothes. Serpico is a good officer with one flaw, he is the only clean cop on the force. Serpico then starts trying to clean up the force by working with some state investigators while also trying to not get killed by other cops who don't trust him because he isn't dirty like them. Al Pacino is the standout talent in this film as a policeman on the edge, not just because he wants justice to prevail, but because he doesn't want to get killed doing it (though the rest of the cast is competent). This is one of the better biography movies I have seen because it isn't only an entertaining movie but also has a good message that still needs to be addressed. The direction is solid, and the movie is great at building tension. Its a good movie, watch it.
Eshi: I have a hard time buying Pacino as a cop, and the fact that Serpico is the least stereotypical cop possible doesn't really help. He just always looks a little surprised and bewildered by the world around him to me. Fortunately, that kinda helps in this role, as Serpico is constantly being threatened and harangued for what really ought to be normal behavior for a cop. Really, Serpico is a pretty bad ass film about a pretty nifty dude, hampered only by the fact that old movies all seem to have a very flat tone to me. I think its a lighting thing. Anyway, if you wanna spend a couple hours just fucking loathing New York this is a great choice.
2: The French Connection
This is another movie that has a basis in reality, though its far more fictionalized than Serpico. This is a movie about a cop on the edge and his partner who is slightly less on the edge going after a drug ring that is starting to move on a big deal. Gene Hackman has always been good at playing a slightly angry tough guy, and this movie shows that off quite well. In this case the bad guy's attempt to kill him drives him to be perhaps a bit overzealous, and his quest for revenge makes him less of a cop and more of a vigilante. I am also a fan of Roy Scheider who plays the less aggressive partner to Gene Hackman's character. The two have good chemistry and its fun watching them run around being cops. There is an unfortunate side effect of watching this movie almost 50 years after it was released: it doesn't seem quite as fresh as it did back then. TFC came out in 1971 and for back then the car chase scene was very new and this one in particular was spectacular, but thanks to movies like the Bourne trilogy and a variety of others, chase scenes have transcended what they used to be. This is unfortunate, because the big chase is still good, and is shot well, it just seems a little less unique than it should. Don't take that statement as a negative, the movie is good, and you should still watch it, I just wish I had seen it earlier.
Eshi: Soooo, Gene Hackman's character looses his shit in this movie. Brian kinda points it out, but really man, dude murder's a fellow cop straight up. And he gives no fucks, just keeps on about his murder-business. I don't even feel bad about spoiling that, the movie is from '71 and I mean... Jesus. Like a full cylinder into the dude. That said, there are some nice buddy cop moments and and watching Hackman get dragged around New York by a fancy Frenchman is a lot of fun. Still has that old movie slog that came up with Serpico but its still definitely forgivable. Give it a try sometime.
3: Beverly Hills Cop
Beverly Hills cop is a movie about a cop from Detroit going to Beverly Hills to solve the murder of his friend. This was one of my favorite cop movies when I was a teenager. When I saw it, I saw the TV cut which has about 50 less fucks, but that doesn't cut enough of the movie out to ruin it or anything. It was older than I was at the time and it was my first experience with Eddie Murphy as not a shitty kids movie comedian. Eddie Murphy's charisma and joking attitude made the story a little less harrowing for 15 year old me and seeing it again after a few years made me realize what a great movie it is to get a person into crime dramas. It still has a gritty story about a cop hunting the people who gunned down his best friend but does so not by killing a bunch of goons, but instead by using his wits to turn situations to his favor. Eddie Murphy is great in a complex role (you can tell he wants to kill the bad guy, but that he knows he can't because he is a cop) and his two cop sidekicks/babysitters are also fun to watch, particularly Judge Reinhold. Its a good movie that deserves a watch, even if it is a little dated (especially the music).
Eshi: I really dislike what Eddie Murphy has become, and Beverly Hills Cop is fucking why. In it; he's funny, charming, relatively intelligent, and engaging as a protagonist. Yet for, I don't know, twenty years or so, the man has just been a fucking chore to watch. Happily; this is not that, and BHC is delightful. Watching Murphy drag a bunch of straight-faced grumpy fucks around L.A. as a social character is grand. Its especially pleasant in our current climate of general police cuntitude. I just hope Eddie Murphy gets his shit together, 'cause he's been really bad for a long time and this proves that, at least once upon a time, he can do better.
Friday, November 20, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This wee we decided to watch sports movies. The clinch is though, neither of us really like sports all that much, so they are all parodies. It was a fun week: to the list!
1: Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
I enjoyed Dodgeball, even though it is kind of a dumb comedy. This movie is about a bunch of average guys, who go to Average Joe's Gym needing to make a bunch of money to keep the gym. A rival gym, who wants to buy their gym to turn into a parking structure tries to stop them. The medium for the conflict? A dodgeball tournament where the prize for 1st place is the exact amount of money they need to keep the gym. Its a classic premise of old sports movies. The difference here is that the movie doesn't take itself seriously at all. The average guys are all misfits of some variety, for instance the wonderful Alan Tudyk thinks he is a pirate, and the bad guys are cartoonishly evil. Vince Vaughn is far more subdued in the movie, which is odd considering the characters he usually plays. He is not quite a straight man, he just uses sarcasm as his main source of humor. Its not a bad film, and has quite a few good jokes and some very funny people in it (Rip Torn is great). Don't go in expecting too much and its a fun time.
Eshi: I have weird feelings about Ben Stiller. On one hand, Zoolander and Dodgeball are both fucking joyful. On the other hand, a startling amount of his catalog leaves me feeling like poor Gerry's semen had curdled before little Ben was conceived. Regardless, Dodgeball is grand. Its very well cast, well written, and weirdly optimistic. About my only complaint is that they kinda waste Alan Tudyk, but then I'd watch him just stare confusedly into a camera for an hour or two. A great movie to get toasty and enjoy.
2: Balls of Fury
Balls of Fury is a take on kung fu movies that uses ping pong instead of martial arts. Basically an ex-world champion level ping pong player is hired by the FBI to help track down and investigate a Chinese gangster. Its a fun movie, though a little to0 often the jokes fall flat. I love that Christopher Walken is in this movie as the big boss baddie. He gets to act over the top and crazy, which is something Walken is very good at. Its another movie that shouldn't be taken seriously. Watch with some friends and some booze and you should have a good time.
Eshi: I had forgotten how much I love 80's butt rock. The Dan Fogler tries a little too hard for most of the movie but its Immediately made up for by the rest of the cast. Brian mentioned Christopher Walken, and he more than carries his weight, but Aisha Tyler features prominently, as does the legendary James Hong, Maggie Q, and Thomas Lennon, who I don't feel gets enough work. Hell, even George Lopez manages to not be completely off-putting. Balls of Fury is goddamn ridiculous, and it revels completely in that.
3: Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
I skipped this movie in the past because I don't really get the whole Nascar thing, but it doesn't focus a lot on that. Its mostly a movie about an asshole being redeemed after being humbled by a superior foe. Nascar is just a framing device, and the movie doesn't explain shit about the sport. I actually liked the bad guy. He wasn't a villain, he was just brought in to make the main racing team perform better. The main conflict happens because Ricky Bobby feels as though he absolutely needs to be the best. Its good to see a movie where the main characters greatest enemy is himself. It's also very funny, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly are great together, and Jane Lynch is fun to watch (as always, really). I had fun, despite being a little heavy on the product placement. I get that it was supposed to be a parody of the rampant capitalism of Nascar, but there comes a point at which the parody is just the movie doing the thing its making fun of. If they did this with fake commercials, I would have found it a lot funnier. Instead they actually through a fucking Applebee's commercial in it.
Eshi: I loathe redneck culture, mostly because it was a barely dodged bullet for me. So this one always plays a little close to the line. I've known people who could have inspired this movie if they hadn't decided to take up a lucrative career in meth consumption. That said, Talladega Nights is fun as hell. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly have fucking amazing chemistry, and it play a substantial role here. Michael Clark Duncan is a little blown here, but mostly because his role doesn't fully counter how much I wish he was still kicking around. In all Will Ferrell puts out exactly what you would expect, and its just as fun as that would entail. Whatever that happens to mean to you. Give it a shot.
1: Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
I enjoyed Dodgeball, even though it is kind of a dumb comedy. This movie is about a bunch of average guys, who go to Average Joe's Gym needing to make a bunch of money to keep the gym. A rival gym, who wants to buy their gym to turn into a parking structure tries to stop them. The medium for the conflict? A dodgeball tournament where the prize for 1st place is the exact amount of money they need to keep the gym. Its a classic premise of old sports movies. The difference here is that the movie doesn't take itself seriously at all. The average guys are all misfits of some variety, for instance the wonderful Alan Tudyk thinks he is a pirate, and the bad guys are cartoonishly evil. Vince Vaughn is far more subdued in the movie, which is odd considering the characters he usually plays. He is not quite a straight man, he just uses sarcasm as his main source of humor. Its not a bad film, and has quite a few good jokes and some very funny people in it (Rip Torn is great). Don't go in expecting too much and its a fun time.
Eshi: I have weird feelings about Ben Stiller. On one hand, Zoolander and Dodgeball are both fucking joyful. On the other hand, a startling amount of his catalog leaves me feeling like poor Gerry's semen had curdled before little Ben was conceived. Regardless, Dodgeball is grand. Its very well cast, well written, and weirdly optimistic. About my only complaint is that they kinda waste Alan Tudyk, but then I'd watch him just stare confusedly into a camera for an hour or two. A great movie to get toasty and enjoy.
2: Balls of Fury
Balls of Fury is a take on kung fu movies that uses ping pong instead of martial arts. Basically an ex-world champion level ping pong player is hired by the FBI to help track down and investigate a Chinese gangster. Its a fun movie, though a little to0 often the jokes fall flat. I love that Christopher Walken is in this movie as the big boss baddie. He gets to act over the top and crazy, which is something Walken is very good at. Its another movie that shouldn't be taken seriously. Watch with some friends and some booze and you should have a good time.
Eshi: I had forgotten how much I love 80's butt rock. The Dan Fogler tries a little too hard for most of the movie but its Immediately made up for by the rest of the cast. Brian mentioned Christopher Walken, and he more than carries his weight, but Aisha Tyler features prominently, as does the legendary James Hong, Maggie Q, and Thomas Lennon, who I don't feel gets enough work. Hell, even George Lopez manages to not be completely off-putting. Balls of Fury is goddamn ridiculous, and it revels completely in that.
3: Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
I skipped this movie in the past because I don't really get the whole Nascar thing, but it doesn't focus a lot on that. Its mostly a movie about an asshole being redeemed after being humbled by a superior foe. Nascar is just a framing device, and the movie doesn't explain shit about the sport. I actually liked the bad guy. He wasn't a villain, he was just brought in to make the main racing team perform better. The main conflict happens because Ricky Bobby feels as though he absolutely needs to be the best. Its good to see a movie where the main characters greatest enemy is himself. It's also very funny, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly are great together, and Jane Lynch is fun to watch (as always, really). I had fun, despite being a little heavy on the product placement. I get that it was supposed to be a parody of the rampant capitalism of Nascar, but there comes a point at which the parody is just the movie doing the thing its making fun of. If they did this with fake commercials, I would have found it a lot funnier. Instead they actually through a fucking Applebee's commercial in it.
Eshi: I loathe redneck culture, mostly because it was a barely dodged bullet for me. So this one always plays a little close to the line. I've known people who could have inspired this movie if they hadn't decided to take up a lucrative career in meth consumption. That said, Talladega Nights is fun as hell. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly have fucking amazing chemistry, and it play a substantial role here. Michael Clark Duncan is a little blown here, but mostly because his role doesn't fully counter how much I wish he was still kicking around. In all Will Ferrell puts out exactly what you would expect, and its just as fun as that would entail. Whatever that happens to mean to you. Give it a shot.
Monday, November 16, 2015
The Further Adventures of Bre-... Oh Wait. Nope.
I'm going to take a short break from Brennan and Smythe this week on account of just, the worst sinus infection. I'm going in for scans tomorrow and today I'm just kind of sore and distracted. Between the headache and the general sense of malaise I'm not much of fit company right now. I come from a family that doesn't hold much regard for medical professionals, for several reasons, and as a result I let a seasonal sinus problem get pretty spectacularly out of control. This was years ago by the way, because Eshi doesn't believe in learning lessons.
I am a worrisome sort, so there's a good chance that I'll just need a quick procedure and it'll be done, but when you start seeing words like "meningitis" and "tumor" next to the thing you have its bound to kick up some nerves. Anyway, I'm all sick and shit. I'll write in earnest later, but for now I'm just going to bundle up and have some tea.
I am a worrisome sort, so there's a good chance that I'll just need a quick procedure and it'll be done, but when you start seeing words like "meningitis" and "tumor" next to the thing you have its bound to kick up some nerves. Anyway, I'm all sick and shit. I'll write in earnest later, but for now I'm just going to bundle up and have some tea.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello and welcome back to weekly Cinemeh! This week we didn't really have a theme in mind, all the movies are dumb fun that we watched for the hell of it. The reason? Fallout 4 came out this week so both Eshi and I got distracted. Anyway, all the movies are fun, so think of this week as suggestions of what to watch if you get bored and just want to be amused.
1: Tucker and Dale vs. Evil
Eshi has mentioned this movie before in his top 5 a while ago and I can see why. It takes the trope of rednecks in the middle of nowhere all being serial killers and turns it on its head by making the spunky group of teenagers the bad guys. This isn't really a spoiler, as it comes up right away in the film, but seriously its great. This movie is far funnier than it has a right to be, mostly because Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine are fantastic comedic actors. Their bromantic interactions are what make the movie for me really. I also love that the basic idea behind the movie is that if people actually fucking talked to one another a ton of people wouldn't be killed in a wood chipper... or something to that affect. There are some great effects, a fun and clusterfucky story, and some excellent humor. Well worth the watch.
Eshi: I could gush about T&DvE all fucking day. We can talk about how the guys' relationship almost perfectly embodies the societies path to the return of masculine friendships as a genuine support structure (replacing a spectacularly damaging cultural standard of quasi-abusive/hyper-competitive man-friend). Or I could talk about how, while it is an homage to slasher movies in every respect, it itself is a classic Heroic Action film. Come to think of it I probably will do a more in depth analysis on T&D some day, because I'm just that much of a fucking nerd, but today is not that day. Today is the day I tell you to go watch one of my favorite movies because its made of hand-forged joy.
2: Conan the Barbarian
This fucking movie. I don't know why I like it some much. Its so ridiculous. I don't know what the best part is. Is it the fact that over half or Arnold's lines are his stereotypical "grunt"(Grunt doesn't do it justice, but I have no idea what you would call it) or that James Earl Jones has a head of hair that would make Fabio jealous. Its a great movie if you don't want to take something seriously. The story is kind of a typical fantasy jam (kid with dead parents trains up to beat the guy that killed them) but the way it tells it, bombastic and overly dramatic, makes it a joy. Arnold isn't a great actor but he looks like what you'd expect a dude named Conan the Barbarian to look like. Get tipsy and watch this movie with some friends, you will probably have a great time.
Eshi: I don't even really know what to say about Conan. As we've pretty fucking firmly established previously, I am a huge fantasy geek, so everything about this goddamn thing is simultaneously completely repellent to me and a two minute rewrite from a wet dream I've had. Conan doesn't come off as a movie, so much as it does the dramatic retelling of the transcripts from the saddest D&D group. Gods, I hope that's the saddest... Anyway, between Arnold crit-failing his Sound Like a Fucking Human rolls constantly and the bad guys looking like a non-consenual Anvil reunion tour, C the B is a good waste of an evening... provided you can't cobble together an adventure.
3: Goldfinger
I love me some James Bond and this movie is what I would consider the best example of a Bond movie. I have to say though, watching it now when I am more wizened then my younger self James Bond straight up rapes Pussy Galore. Its super uncomfortable to watch, because it is clear she isn't into it at first. This kind of kills a lot of the love I have for the movie, which is sad. This is where 90% of the James Bond stereotypes come from. This is the thing that sucks about Bond movies, they have all the fun action and gadgets and great villains you could want, but James Bond is the worst person ever. He is cruel, sexist, and kind of a piece of shit as a human being but you still want to like him because he has been the epitome of suave for a long time. This is the negative side of a charisma based hero I think. That being said, it is still a fun movie that is at least worth watching for the cultural relevance if nothing else.
Eshi: Oh my fucking Gods why does James Bond always rape somebody. I love that Bond movies are so campy, I love that the fight scenes look like the where choreographed in an alternate universe where everyone has Parkinson's, the convoluted plots, the ridiculous gadgets. I even love that there is a movie where someone seriously thought they could give Sean Connery a spray tan and a shitty wig and pass him off as Japanese. But every time there's a ten minute scene that is completely composed of the guy everyone supposedly wants to fuck trying entirely too hard to install himself in someone who is super actively not down with it I hate the universe a little more. There are better ways to show that your protagonist is a douchebag. I get the Bond was/is basically masturbatory, pretty much all fiction is to some extent, but Stockholming someone with your penis is maybe one of those urges you shouldn't encourage too much. Other than that though, Goldfinger was pretty fuckin' awesome.
1: Tucker and Dale vs. Evil
Eshi has mentioned this movie before in his top 5 a while ago and I can see why. It takes the trope of rednecks in the middle of nowhere all being serial killers and turns it on its head by making the spunky group of teenagers the bad guys. This isn't really a spoiler, as it comes up right away in the film, but seriously its great. This movie is far funnier than it has a right to be, mostly because Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine are fantastic comedic actors. Their bromantic interactions are what make the movie for me really. I also love that the basic idea behind the movie is that if people actually fucking talked to one another a ton of people wouldn't be killed in a wood chipper... or something to that affect. There are some great effects, a fun and clusterfucky story, and some excellent humor. Well worth the watch.
Eshi: I could gush about T&DvE all fucking day. We can talk about how the guys' relationship almost perfectly embodies the societies path to the return of masculine friendships as a genuine support structure (replacing a spectacularly damaging cultural standard of quasi-abusive/hyper-competitive man-friend). Or I could talk about how, while it is an homage to slasher movies in every respect, it itself is a classic Heroic Action film. Come to think of it I probably will do a more in depth analysis on T&D some day, because I'm just that much of a fucking nerd, but today is not that day. Today is the day I tell you to go watch one of my favorite movies because its made of hand-forged joy.
2: Conan the Barbarian
This fucking movie. I don't know why I like it some much. Its so ridiculous. I don't know what the best part is. Is it the fact that over half or Arnold's lines are his stereotypical "grunt"(Grunt doesn't do it justice, but I have no idea what you would call it) or that James Earl Jones has a head of hair that would make Fabio jealous. Its a great movie if you don't want to take something seriously. The story is kind of a typical fantasy jam (kid with dead parents trains up to beat the guy that killed them) but the way it tells it, bombastic and overly dramatic, makes it a joy. Arnold isn't a great actor but he looks like what you'd expect a dude named Conan the Barbarian to look like. Get tipsy and watch this movie with some friends, you will probably have a great time.
Eshi: I don't even really know what to say about Conan. As we've pretty fucking firmly established previously, I am a huge fantasy geek, so everything about this goddamn thing is simultaneously completely repellent to me and a two minute rewrite from a wet dream I've had. Conan doesn't come off as a movie, so much as it does the dramatic retelling of the transcripts from the saddest D&D group. Gods, I hope that's the saddest... Anyway, between Arnold crit-failing his Sound Like a Fucking Human rolls constantly and the bad guys looking like a non-consenual Anvil reunion tour, C the B is a good waste of an evening... provided you can't cobble together an adventure.
3: Goldfinger
I love me some James Bond and this movie is what I would consider the best example of a Bond movie. I have to say though, watching it now when I am more wizened then my younger self James Bond straight up rapes Pussy Galore. Its super uncomfortable to watch, because it is clear she isn't into it at first. This kind of kills a lot of the love I have for the movie, which is sad. This is where 90% of the James Bond stereotypes come from. This is the thing that sucks about Bond movies, they have all the fun action and gadgets and great villains you could want, but James Bond is the worst person ever. He is cruel, sexist, and kind of a piece of shit as a human being but you still want to like him because he has been the epitome of suave for a long time. This is the negative side of a charisma based hero I think. That being said, it is still a fun movie that is at least worth watching for the cultural relevance if nothing else.
Eshi: Oh my fucking Gods why does James Bond always rape somebody. I love that Bond movies are so campy, I love that the fight scenes look like the where choreographed in an alternate universe where everyone has Parkinson's, the convoluted plots, the ridiculous gadgets. I even love that there is a movie where someone seriously thought they could give Sean Connery a spray tan and a shitty wig and pass him off as Japanese. But every time there's a ten minute scene that is completely composed of the guy everyone supposedly wants to fuck trying entirely too hard to install himself in someone who is super actively not down with it I hate the universe a little more. There are better ways to show that your protagonist is a douchebag. I get the Bond was/is basically masturbatory, pretty much all fiction is to some extent, but Stockholming someone with your penis is maybe one of those urges you shouldn't encourage too much. Other than that though, Goldfinger was pretty fuckin' awesome.
Monday, November 9, 2015
Brennan & Smythe Episode 3: There's More!
My computer took a rocket-powered, stratospheric shit recently, so today's post might be a bit brief. The fate of my computer does, however, lead fortuitously to our sponsor for today's episode: Murphey's Law. Do you miss feeling like the whole world is conspiring against you? Is the ease of success making you soft? Don't worry! Murphey's Law is here to help. Watch helplessly as things go fuck-headed for no apparent reason. Feel that comforting old panic as your best laid plans are torn asunder by the vagueries of fate. Murphey's Law : Because fuck you! Now on with the show.
The death cast a pall upon our small party as we searched the village and questioned its residents. They were kindly folk, clearly as disturbed by this morning's morbidity as my companions. Patrick managed to calm one of the older gentlemen sufficiently to extract the man's reckoning of the likely course of Jenkin's demise. The village was occasionally troubled by forest folk, madmen who lived in the hills and sustained themselves via a hardy regiment of banditry and rape.
Apparently, they would come to a home in the night, drug the residents, and then proceed to torture the menfolk and drag the women to the hills to cater to their sinister impulses. The man had many theories regarding the reasons for such sadism; they worship evil gods, they use nefarious magics to make themselves immortal, simply that they hate good folk and revel in making them suffer. Standard Boogyman folklore, but given the circumstances, not to be disregarded out of hand.
Our search of the village bore little fruit, and some of our compatriots had started to grow concerned about the merit of our expedition. However, between Patrick appealing to their better nature and my calling for vengeance for our terribly fallen comrade, the majority soon regained their fortitude. We bolstered our spirits and resolved to set out come morning. The rest of the day was spent rechecking supplies and fortifying the room we would be sharing that night. Understandably, there was little resistance to communal bunking and setting watch. The morning would break upon us blessedly devoid of event, the peace granting a renewed confidence as we set upon our way.
The death cast a pall upon our small party as we searched the village and questioned its residents. They were kindly folk, clearly as disturbed by this morning's morbidity as my companions. Patrick managed to calm one of the older gentlemen sufficiently to extract the man's reckoning of the likely course of Jenkin's demise. The village was occasionally troubled by forest folk, madmen who lived in the hills and sustained themselves via a hardy regiment of banditry and rape.
Apparently, they would come to a home in the night, drug the residents, and then proceed to torture the menfolk and drag the women to the hills to cater to their sinister impulses. The man had many theories regarding the reasons for such sadism; they worship evil gods, they use nefarious magics to make themselves immortal, simply that they hate good folk and revel in making them suffer. Standard Boogyman folklore, but given the circumstances, not to be disregarded out of hand.
Our search of the village bore little fruit, and some of our compatriots had started to grow concerned about the merit of our expedition. However, between Patrick appealing to their better nature and my calling for vengeance for our terribly fallen comrade, the majority soon regained their fortitude. We bolstered our spirits and resolved to set out come morning. The rest of the day was spent rechecking supplies and fortifying the room we would be sharing that night. Understandably, there was little resistance to communal bunking and setting watch. The morning would break upon us blessedly devoid of event, the peace granting a renewed confidence as we set upon our way.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we go in a different direction from our month of horror and do some foreign comedies. I enjoy comedies so this week was a good week for me. To the list!
1: Closer to The Moon
This movie is based on the true story of the Rosenthal gang's heist in soviet controlled Romania after WWII. Basically a bunch of Romanian's who were part of the Jewish resistance movement against the Nazis get fired from their jobs and replaced by people who are more willing to support the Soviet Union, and in response they decide to rob a bank. Its a dark story that is shown through a series of funny moments. The writer/director is a Romanian man named Nae Caranfil who lived through this time period and I think his ability to find humor in a dark time is great. The cast is good, Mark Stong is good at playing good guys who are slightly sinister and Vera Farmiga does a great job in a pretty complex role. The movie deals well with a subject that gets lost over in the US. People who grow up during a war are a much different group than people born during peacetime, especially when the war is fought in your country. This movie portrays the communists behind the iron curtain as incompetent, self serving, violent, and bovine. One of my favorite jokes in the movie is the extras in the "documentary" being filmed are all communist soldiers, and none of them know how to do anything other than be soldiers so it's funny watching them try to act. Its a good movie, watch it.
Eshi: Closer to The Moon is kind of a weird thing. It's a comedy, it certainly has a humorous bent but the comedy is kind of perpendicular to the plot. Its not a dark comedy, where disturbing or upsetting material is handled in a funny way, its more like a fucked up drama wearing a silly hat. That said, the funny bits are pretty funny and the drama is compelling. I would have liked to see more Romanian actors featured prominently but really only because I'm not super familiar with any and I enjoy learning about international pop culture.
2: In The Loop
This is a movie based around a very funny Brittish TV show called The Thick Of It, which I love. Its about a group of politicians around 2001-2002 dealing with the possibility of going to war in Iraq. This movie is full of British and American comedians and some amazing insults. Its a lot like the TV show. You get to see some politicians being evil and/or incompetent who get yelled at by Peter Capaldi (whom you may know as the 12th Dr. Who) who is employed by the British government to keep politicians in line. It is a fun film with some very funny bits. Peter Capaldi is amazing at playing rage incarnate, and I would say that the movie is worth watching just to see him insult the poor people under his command. The subject matter can be a little dry, but the characters are fun to watch and its a good political satire. Watch it.
Eshi: I really wish that politicians were so easily dominated by loud noises and colorful profanity, I feel like someday they could be domesticated, maybe even housebroken. Peter Capaldi is both super charismatic and wonderfully descriptive with his outbursts. In The Loop is well cast and superbly written, even if I'm not super on-board with some of the visual choices, (the whole thing is shot in soft focus). Give it a shot sometime.
3: The Trip To Italy
The Trip to Italy is a movie that was originally a TV miniseries about two British comedians, Rob Bryden and Steve Coogan, traveling around the Italian countryside eating at some amazing restaurants and enjoying a beautiful country. I enjoyed the first The Trip movie, it was fun watching two comedians who do a lot of voices compete with each other while driving around and eating good food. It was a fun ride. The sequel is just more of that but in Italy. I don't think this movie was as good as the first, but it was still fun to watch dueling impressionists out Michael Cain one another. There are some amazingly funny bits and some great scenery. Its a deeper movie than just all of that though. These two comedians deal with mid-life crises, getting closer to death, and the various amounts of success and failure each have experienced. Watch it if you liked the first movie, you will probably like the second because it is just more of the same.
Eshi: The Trip was a fun, low-intensity comedy about a couple of friends/rivals going through their mid-life crises via road trip and restaurant tour. The Trip To Italy is that but in Italy. Don't get me wrong, it is exactly what its expected to be, and it was very enjoyable, but it was probably unnecessary. Steve Coogan is the same ego-maniacal douche Steve Coogan so often portrays and Rob Bryden is as delightful as he usually is, save that I noticed that he looks like a Welsh Mitt Romney. I watched this mostly for the fucking beautiful shots of the Italian coast and delicious Italian food. The steady background of two talented comedians bantering was just a very welcome bonus.
1: Closer to The Moon
This movie is based on the true story of the Rosenthal gang's heist in soviet controlled Romania after WWII. Basically a bunch of Romanian's who were part of the Jewish resistance movement against the Nazis get fired from their jobs and replaced by people who are more willing to support the Soviet Union, and in response they decide to rob a bank. Its a dark story that is shown through a series of funny moments. The writer/director is a Romanian man named Nae Caranfil who lived through this time period and I think his ability to find humor in a dark time is great. The cast is good, Mark Stong is good at playing good guys who are slightly sinister and Vera Farmiga does a great job in a pretty complex role. The movie deals well with a subject that gets lost over in the US. People who grow up during a war are a much different group than people born during peacetime, especially when the war is fought in your country. This movie portrays the communists behind the iron curtain as incompetent, self serving, violent, and bovine. One of my favorite jokes in the movie is the extras in the "documentary" being filmed are all communist soldiers, and none of them know how to do anything other than be soldiers so it's funny watching them try to act. Its a good movie, watch it.
Eshi: Closer to The Moon is kind of a weird thing. It's a comedy, it certainly has a humorous bent but the comedy is kind of perpendicular to the plot. Its not a dark comedy, where disturbing or upsetting material is handled in a funny way, its more like a fucked up drama wearing a silly hat. That said, the funny bits are pretty funny and the drama is compelling. I would have liked to see more Romanian actors featured prominently but really only because I'm not super familiar with any and I enjoy learning about international pop culture.
2: In The Loop
This is a movie based around a very funny Brittish TV show called The Thick Of It, which I love. Its about a group of politicians around 2001-2002 dealing with the possibility of going to war in Iraq. This movie is full of British and American comedians and some amazing insults. Its a lot like the TV show. You get to see some politicians being evil and/or incompetent who get yelled at by Peter Capaldi (whom you may know as the 12th Dr. Who) who is employed by the British government to keep politicians in line. It is a fun film with some very funny bits. Peter Capaldi is amazing at playing rage incarnate, and I would say that the movie is worth watching just to see him insult the poor people under his command. The subject matter can be a little dry, but the characters are fun to watch and its a good political satire. Watch it.
Eshi: I really wish that politicians were so easily dominated by loud noises and colorful profanity, I feel like someday they could be domesticated, maybe even housebroken. Peter Capaldi is both super charismatic and wonderfully descriptive with his outbursts. In The Loop is well cast and superbly written, even if I'm not super on-board with some of the visual choices, (the whole thing is shot in soft focus). Give it a shot sometime.
3: The Trip To Italy
The Trip to Italy is a movie that was originally a TV miniseries about two British comedians, Rob Bryden and Steve Coogan, traveling around the Italian countryside eating at some amazing restaurants and enjoying a beautiful country. I enjoyed the first The Trip movie, it was fun watching two comedians who do a lot of voices compete with each other while driving around and eating good food. It was a fun ride. The sequel is just more of that but in Italy. I don't think this movie was as good as the first, but it was still fun to watch dueling impressionists out Michael Cain one another. There are some amazingly funny bits and some great scenery. Its a deeper movie than just all of that though. These two comedians deal with mid-life crises, getting closer to death, and the various amounts of success and failure each have experienced. Watch it if you liked the first movie, you will probably like the second because it is just more of the same.
Eshi: The Trip was a fun, low-intensity comedy about a couple of friends/rivals going through their mid-life crises via road trip and restaurant tour. The Trip To Italy is that but in Italy. Don't get me wrong, it is exactly what its expected to be, and it was very enjoyable, but it was probably unnecessary. Steve Coogan is the same ego-maniacal douche Steve Coogan so often portrays and Rob Bryden is as delightful as he usually is, save that I noticed that he looks like a Welsh Mitt Romney. I watched this mostly for the fucking beautiful shots of the Italian coast and delicious Italian food. The steady background of two talented comedians bantering was just a very welcome bonus.
Monday, November 2, 2015
The Shocking Endeavors of Brennan & Smythe Ep. 2
Welcome back! Round 2 of The Shocking Endeavors of Brennan & Smythe is about to get underway, but first a word from our sponsor: Supplementary Day Drinking. Are you a creative in a rut? Maybe an office worker run dry on giveafuck. Try Supplementary Day Drinking to give you the competitive edge of a really nice buzz. Why face down that deadline alone when your friends Mr. Whiskey and the Archduke Lord Rummington have got your back? Supplementary Day Drinking: lets get some Giveafuck down you.
I am fortunate that my proclivity for publicly assaulting people with my cane coupled with my tenacious curiosity in regards to certain specialized fields of astrology and geology grants me a delightful amount of liberty in my responsibilities to the University. They quite appreciate having me as a resource, but any excuse to get me off campus is more than welcome. And so it was a simple matter to convince the Dean that I was desperately needed to investigate this pressing matter... and that it would serve the University well in scholarly circles if they where to reopen my "Fieldwork" account that I may be fully prepared for a major discovery that I could then attribute to their generosity. Between Mr. Brennan's broad reaching contacts as a private investigator, and my enthusiasm where spending Arkham's money is concerned we had no difficulty assembling a team for this little expedition. We were kitted and on our way to Thailand within a week of speaking to Newberg.
Other than a few incidents of motion sickness from a former student of mine with a curious disposition, and a frankly unacceptable quantity of stinging insects, our journey to the island was uneventful. I find the long, slow hikes and rickety boat trips on such an adventure almost soothing; at least when I'm not being fucking eaten alive. Someday, there will be a reckoning upon all the crawling, biting, stinging things and it shall be glorious.
We arrived on Ko Surin greeted by a young local man named Aawut, who had been arranged by Newberg to guide us to the relevant village. Aawut was a friendly sort, with a ready smile and keen eyes. He treated our weary little party to a small but hearty supper after the requisite salutations and networking. Our team having been welcomed and fed, the long trek caught up with us and we were shepherded to our respective quarters. The rooms were small, but comfortable as such things go, and for me at least the sleep afforded was quite restful.
Admittedly, the joys associated with a restful sleep were somewhat diminished when the rising sun brought gruesome tidings. Jenkins, a sturdy man in his forties Patrick had recruited in a seaside tavern, was found gutted and strewn about his bedroom after he had missed breakfast. Upon inspecting the body I found evidence of a high degree of precision and the use of a very sharp curved blade. It seemed like the wounds had been made while Jenkins yet lived, at least most of them, but there was no sign of struggle, no defensive injuries. The poor man had been drugged, tortured to death, and desecrated. Our journey had not been in vain.
I am fortunate that my proclivity for publicly assaulting people with my cane coupled with my tenacious curiosity in regards to certain specialized fields of astrology and geology grants me a delightful amount of liberty in my responsibilities to the University. They quite appreciate having me as a resource, but any excuse to get me off campus is more than welcome. And so it was a simple matter to convince the Dean that I was desperately needed to investigate this pressing matter... and that it would serve the University well in scholarly circles if they where to reopen my "Fieldwork" account that I may be fully prepared for a major discovery that I could then attribute to their generosity. Between Mr. Brennan's broad reaching contacts as a private investigator, and my enthusiasm where spending Arkham's money is concerned we had no difficulty assembling a team for this little expedition. We were kitted and on our way to Thailand within a week of speaking to Newberg.
Other than a few incidents of motion sickness from a former student of mine with a curious disposition, and a frankly unacceptable quantity of stinging insects, our journey to the island was uneventful. I find the long, slow hikes and rickety boat trips on such an adventure almost soothing; at least when I'm not being fucking eaten alive. Someday, there will be a reckoning upon all the crawling, biting, stinging things and it shall be glorious.
We arrived on Ko Surin greeted by a young local man named Aawut, who had been arranged by Newberg to guide us to the relevant village. Aawut was a friendly sort, with a ready smile and keen eyes. He treated our weary little party to a small but hearty supper after the requisite salutations and networking. Our team having been welcomed and fed, the long trek caught up with us and we were shepherded to our respective quarters. The rooms were small, but comfortable as such things go, and for me at least the sleep afforded was quite restful.
Admittedly, the joys associated with a restful sleep were somewhat diminished when the rising sun brought gruesome tidings. Jenkins, a sturdy man in his forties Patrick had recruited in a seaside tavern, was found gutted and strewn about his bedroom after he had missed breakfast. Upon inspecting the body I found evidence of a high degree of precision and the use of a very sharp curved blade. It seemed like the wounds had been made while Jenkins yet lived, at least most of them, but there was no sign of struggle, no defensive injuries. The poor man had been drugged, tortured to death, and desecrated. Our journey had not been in vain.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh! This week we finished our month long monster movie marathon. We have done zombies, aliens, and werewolves so far, and this week we round out the horror theme with vampires! Vampire movies are some of my favorite movies because the enemy is almost always suave at the same time as being fucking terrifying. It's the best. To the list!
1: Horror of Dracula
This movie is a pretty decent version of the classic Dracula story. Dracula hires a librarian, who turns out to be the vampire hunter, Johnathan Harker. When Harker fails to kill his target, he is turned by the Count, who then goes to Harker's hometown to get revenge by turning his fiancee. Van Helsing kills his former partner and follows Dracula in an attempt to end his tyranny for ever. Christopher Lee plays the titular character, and does so with style. He's creepy and his very presence has weight, for the like 3 minutes he is in the movie. I can see why he became the go to Dracula for a while though. Peter Cushing plays the main hero, Doctor Van Helsing, and I have to say, I would never have pictured Grand Moff Tarkin as a practitioner of parkour but I will now. He does some pretty impressive running and jumping while fighting Dracula, its impressive. Its a good movie, watch it with some friends while eating too much Halloween candy.
Eshi: I have to admit, I was really hoping that Dracula would have that fucking awesome Christopher Lee voice, but after I got over that disappointment I had a good time. Hammer horror tends to have that old school propriety that serves to add to the apparent discomfort of the characters and the Horror of Dracula is a great demonstration. Peter Cushing is surprisingly compelling as a determined Vampire hunter, and he does indeed book it like a motherfucker when time comes to kick some undead ass. I do find myself wishing both that Sir Christopher was a bigger part of this film, and that he hadn't been guilted into so much work because of it. If you're feeling a good old-fashioned monster movie this is a solid top to that list.
2: From Dusk Till Dawn
This is a more pulpy version of vampires. This movie starts with a two brothers escaping to Mexico after a bit of a crime spree. Along the way they pick up some hostages (a super Christian family of three on a trip) and eventually get to a bar called Titty Twister to wait for a contact who will take them to a safe haven called El Rey. While watching Salma Hayek dance, she and all of the bar's employees turn into vampires and start killing people. Our unlikely group of people then have to survive until morning. I love this movie. It knows that its a little campy, and seeks to take that to the extreme. The cast is great, there are some very funny bits, and the effects are cheesy but not terrible. All in all it is a great movie, watch it with some buddies.
Eshi: From Dusk till Dawn is one of my favorite fun vampire movies. George Clooney is exactly as charming and Clooney-esque as he always fucking is, and Harvey Keitel shows the depth of his phenomenal talent by not making his ex-preacher character into a complete fucking choad. I feel like there where several scenes in this film that had to be done with stunt feet, because Quentin Tarantino reeeeaaaally gets his money's worth on that directorial authority in regards to his weird-ass foot thing. This movie has vampires, tits, violence and a guy named Sex Machine who has a dick gun. Why aren't you watching it right now?
3: John Carpenter's Vampires
This movie starts out with a bunch of vampire hunters killing a bunch of vampires who had made a nest in a Mexican farmhouse. They kill a lot of "goons", but the master vampire is nowhere to be found. Later that night the master interrupts a party the hunters are having by killing 90% of them and turning a hooker. The remaining hunters decide to use the master's telepathic link with his newly turned vampire against him by asking her what she sees when she receives visions from him. It turns out that the vampire they are hunting is the first vampire, and that he is trying to find an object with which he will be able to walk in the sun. I still don't know how to feel about this movie. I love John Carpenter's work, but I didn't enjoy this movie. Truth be told I spent the bulk of this movie making fun of Daniel Bladwin. I thought it was fun watching James Woods try to hard be cool while the vampire leader tried to channel The Crow, but that doesn't make a good movie. The weird "love story" between Dustin Baldwin and Sheryl Lee made no sense. Their entire interaction is him pushing her around, stripping her naked while she was passed out and tying her to a bed, and punching her in her face. This is not a romance as much an abduction but the movie plays it off as the former, and that was a little disconcerting. All in all I think this movie would have been improved with alcohol.
Eshi: I can totally understand why Brian doesn't like this movie. However, between Devlin Baldwin's bipolar courting process and James Woods asking his church liaison if all this violence "gives him wood", I revel in the camp. The master vampire is every broody high schooler in every Hot Topic ever, and Gordo Baldwin's only real value to the plot is to domestic abuse the whole "vampire prostitute" problem until they don't have to bother with that bit of plot anymore. So, if you like campy vampire flicks, John Carpenter, and that one Baldwin brother, maybe work your way into a heady buzz and give this one a go.
1: Horror of Dracula
This movie is a pretty decent version of the classic Dracula story. Dracula hires a librarian, who turns out to be the vampire hunter, Johnathan Harker. When Harker fails to kill his target, he is turned by the Count, who then goes to Harker's hometown to get revenge by turning his fiancee. Van Helsing kills his former partner and follows Dracula in an attempt to end his tyranny for ever. Christopher Lee plays the titular character, and does so with style. He's creepy and his very presence has weight, for the like 3 minutes he is in the movie. I can see why he became the go to Dracula for a while though. Peter Cushing plays the main hero, Doctor Van Helsing, and I have to say, I would never have pictured Grand Moff Tarkin as a practitioner of parkour but I will now. He does some pretty impressive running and jumping while fighting Dracula, its impressive. Its a good movie, watch it with some friends while eating too much Halloween candy.
Eshi: I have to admit, I was really hoping that Dracula would have that fucking awesome Christopher Lee voice, but after I got over that disappointment I had a good time. Hammer horror tends to have that old school propriety that serves to add to the apparent discomfort of the characters and the Horror of Dracula is a great demonstration. Peter Cushing is surprisingly compelling as a determined Vampire hunter, and he does indeed book it like a motherfucker when time comes to kick some undead ass. I do find myself wishing both that Sir Christopher was a bigger part of this film, and that he hadn't been guilted into so much work because of it. If you're feeling a good old-fashioned monster movie this is a solid top to that list.
2: From Dusk Till Dawn
This is a more pulpy version of vampires. This movie starts with a two brothers escaping to Mexico after a bit of a crime spree. Along the way they pick up some hostages (a super Christian family of three on a trip) and eventually get to a bar called Titty Twister to wait for a contact who will take them to a safe haven called El Rey. While watching Salma Hayek dance, she and all of the bar's employees turn into vampires and start killing people. Our unlikely group of people then have to survive until morning. I love this movie. It knows that its a little campy, and seeks to take that to the extreme. The cast is great, there are some very funny bits, and the effects are cheesy but not terrible. All in all it is a great movie, watch it with some buddies.
Eshi: From Dusk till Dawn is one of my favorite fun vampire movies. George Clooney is exactly as charming and Clooney-esque as he always fucking is, and Harvey Keitel shows the depth of his phenomenal talent by not making his ex-preacher character into a complete fucking choad. I feel like there where several scenes in this film that had to be done with stunt feet, because Quentin Tarantino reeeeaaaally gets his money's worth on that directorial authority in regards to his weird-ass foot thing. This movie has vampires, tits, violence and a guy named Sex Machine who has a dick gun. Why aren't you watching it right now?
3: John Carpenter's Vampires
This movie starts out with a bunch of vampire hunters killing a bunch of vampires who had made a nest in a Mexican farmhouse. They kill a lot of "goons", but the master vampire is nowhere to be found. Later that night the master interrupts a party the hunters are having by killing 90% of them and turning a hooker. The remaining hunters decide to use the master's telepathic link with his newly turned vampire against him by asking her what she sees when she receives visions from him. It turns out that the vampire they are hunting is the first vampire, and that he is trying to find an object with which he will be able to walk in the sun. I still don't know how to feel about this movie. I love John Carpenter's work, but I didn't enjoy this movie. Truth be told I spent the bulk of this movie making fun of Daniel Bladwin. I thought it was fun watching James Woods try to hard be cool while the vampire leader tried to channel The Crow, but that doesn't make a good movie. The weird "love story" between Dustin Baldwin and Sheryl Lee made no sense. Their entire interaction is him pushing her around, stripping her naked while she was passed out and tying her to a bed, and punching her in her face. This is not a romance as much an abduction but the movie plays it off as the former, and that was a little disconcerting. All in all I think this movie would have been improved with alcohol.
Eshi: I can totally understand why Brian doesn't like this movie. However, between Devlin Baldwin's bipolar courting process and James Woods asking his church liaison if all this violence "gives him wood", I revel in the camp. The master vampire is every broody high schooler in every Hot Topic ever, and Gordo Baldwin's only real value to the plot is to domestic abuse the whole "vampire prostitute" problem until they don't have to bother with that bit of plot anymore. So, if you like campy vampire flicks, John Carpenter, and that one Baldwin brother, maybe work your way into a heady buzz and give this one a go.
Monday, October 26, 2015
The Shocking Endeavors of Brennan & Smythe
I've been having a hard time coming up with anything to write about lately, as you may have noticed. So instead of trolling news posts to pretend I'm relevant for five minutes I'd rather practice technique. With this in mind I've decided to write about the adventures of our Trails of Cthulhu group. None of the stories here will be official campaigns, so I wont spoil anything and the characters are original creations of Brian and I. Without further ado; I present the Shocking Endeavors of Brennan & Smythe.
From the Desk of Prof. Alfred Smythe, Arkham Univeristy:
I had only been to Thailand once before my good friend Patrick brought the Newberg case to my attention. Needless to say, a drunken spring holiday spent in unwholesome company did not leave me well prepared to investigate the possibility of an indigenous Cult. According to Mr. Newberg (via Patrick) a Mr. Silas Portfeld, Newberg's local liaison, had failed to make a monthly check in some four months hence. There had yet to be any word from him and, given how much of Mr. Portfeld's work apparently involved wandering the Siamese countryside, this was cause for concern.
Our client was interested in breaking into the rubber industry and had decided that exploiting the rural Siamese population was just the thing for it. Mr. Portfeld had been scouting communities and laying the groundwork for future relations. Much of this revolved around mesmerizing local rubes with meaningless jargon and convincing them to negotiate with the local authorities on his behalf. I've no love lost for such degrading interference, so I was heartened to learn that Portfeld had all but struck out. He seemed to be having some measure of success, however, with a small village on the island of Ko Surin, in the Phang Nga province. The locals seemed quite interested in establishing not just a broader dialog with Newberg's organization, but also with breaking ground for a factory. The correspondences we'd been given in regards to the case immediately made clear why we'd been contacted.
It seemed the villagers were rather preoccupied with what they called "The All-Embracing Sea", the expanse of water surrounding the island. In fact, the reports provided described a rather vibrant and bizarre religious life centered on this Sea. Portfeld had in his writings described men industriously carving great beasts of unnerving design into the living wood of trees surrounding the village. A description made all the more disturbing by the phrase "wood of a pale red color, with a thin black pitch that pooled at strange angles to the earth." I will never understand Man's willingness to overlook concerning details when there is gain to be had. For; like a sailor recently ashore, good Silas had been more concerned with bending the locals over a barrel than with what he'd end up paying.
From the Desk of Prof. Alfred Smythe, Arkham Univeristy:
I had only been to Thailand once before my good friend Patrick brought the Newberg case to my attention. Needless to say, a drunken spring holiday spent in unwholesome company did not leave me well prepared to investigate the possibility of an indigenous Cult. According to Mr. Newberg (via Patrick) a Mr. Silas Portfeld, Newberg's local liaison, had failed to make a monthly check in some four months hence. There had yet to be any word from him and, given how much of Mr. Portfeld's work apparently involved wandering the Siamese countryside, this was cause for concern.
Our client was interested in breaking into the rubber industry and had decided that exploiting the rural Siamese population was just the thing for it. Mr. Portfeld had been scouting communities and laying the groundwork for future relations. Much of this revolved around mesmerizing local rubes with meaningless jargon and convincing them to negotiate with the local authorities on his behalf. I've no love lost for such degrading interference, so I was heartened to learn that Portfeld had all but struck out. He seemed to be having some measure of success, however, with a small village on the island of Ko Surin, in the Phang Nga province. The locals seemed quite interested in establishing not just a broader dialog with Newberg's organization, but also with breaking ground for a factory. The correspondences we'd been given in regards to the case immediately made clear why we'd been contacted.
It seemed the villagers were rather preoccupied with what they called "The All-Embracing Sea", the expanse of water surrounding the island. In fact, the reports provided described a rather vibrant and bizarre religious life centered on this Sea. Portfeld had in his writings described men industriously carving great beasts of unnerving design into the living wood of trees surrounding the village. A description made all the more disturbing by the phrase "wood of a pale red color, with a thin black pitch that pooled at strange angles to the earth." I will never understand Man's willingness to overlook concerning details when there is gain to be had. For; like a sailor recently ashore, good Silas had been more concerned with bending the locals over a barrel than with what he'd end up paying.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we continue our month of horror with werewolf movies! Werewolf movies are a nifty combination of gore and musings on the nature of humanity. What fun: To the list!
1: An American Werewolf in London
This movie is a dark comedy that is an interesting take on the classic Wolfman tale (the movie makes a few references to the original). The movie starts with a couple of tourists exploring the north of England when they get attacked by a werewolf. One of the men dies and the other survives with a few wounds from the beast. While recovering David, the guy who survived, starts to see his dead friend, who warns him that he is a werewolf who will kill a lot of people. All of the werewolf's victims are stuck in limbo and haunt the werewolf, encouraging them to kill themselves. The haunting combined with the feeling of uncertainty that comes from bizarre situations creates a good tension for the main character and audience. The idea that the main character might just be crazy is something shared by the doctor and nurse looking after David as well as the audience. The practical effects are good and the acting is 70's good. This is definitely a watch. Also, the last act starts in a porno theater with one of the funniest fake pornos ever. I never thought I would use the phrase "avant garde" to describe a porn, but I have been proven wrong.
Eshi: An American Werewolf in London is the sort of movie that warrants a two drink minimum. Not that its bad, its not, its just the kind of flat, soft-focus cinematography that mustachioed 70's directors designed to highlight a mid-afternoon buzz. My favorite character in this entire film is the dead friend. He's the driving force behind a lot of the actual humor in the movie and I can't help but be delighted by his casual insistence that David just cash in and go home. The obligatory enigmatically unhelpful country folk are always fun, and their interaction with the snooty London doctor is grand. Not a bad film to justify a popcorn binge.
2: Late Phases
This movie is the story of an old man being forced to live in a retirement community by his son. During his first night in his new place his next door neighbor and his dog are killed by werewolf. He realizes immediately that it is not a crazed animal picking off old people, and spends the next 30 days brooding, preparing to kill a werewolf, and trying to figure out who the werewolf is. This movie is interesting, it focuses a lot on how old/disabled people are looked down upon, but also goes out of is way to make a bunch of characters unlikable so you don't feel bad when they die. I mentioned brooding earlier, and while I was joking I wasn't being disingenuous. A lot of this movie is spend with the main character being grumpy and giving people reasons to not trust or like him. He is the stereotypical angry old war vet, who refuses help and alienates everyone around them, including family. Part of the movie is spent on his redemption from that, but he is still kind of a dick. Its entertaining, but a far from perfect movie. The acting is passable, and while its the very definition of slow burn the payoff is fun and cathartic, though I think the ending is kind of mediocre.
Eshi: I don't have good feelings about old people in general. Its not a hard prejudice, I've just spent a fair amount of time dealing with old people and they tend to be unpleasant for reasons cultural, personal and biological. So watching a movie about the exact type of really old people I dislike getting werewolf-oriented comeuppance is every fantasy I ever had at a nursing home picnic. That said in the first 15 minutes they kill off one of two characters I actually like and a dog. We've discussed killing dogs on film. The other likable character is the preacher, which feels like a weird thing to say. All in all Late Phases is fun, watch it with your Gandpa.
3: Wolfcop
This movie was so much better in my head. I wanted the movie to be far more campy then it was. I feel bad that my expectations probably stained it for me. The movie is about an alcoholic cop who gets turned into a werewolf via a cult of changelings who will use his blood for a ritual to maintain their power. There are a few laughs and some excellent effects, specifically when a guy gets his face ripped off and runs around screaming. I get the feeling watching this movie that it takes itself too seriously, though that is mostly from the tone. I do like that the cop becomes a werewolf and digs it instead of treating it like a curse. Its an ok movie, but I get the feeling that booze would have made it better.
Eshi: It probably doesn't say anything good about the genre how much its improved by intoxicants. Wolfcop is about lizard people ruling a redneck town through ritual sacrifice and a poorly crafted cocktail of guns, drugs and presumably fucking. The practical effects are pretty sold, including the werewolf transformation which is rare. I do feel obliged to inform you guys that there is like a 3 minute yiff scene that doesn't contribute to a great day. It has tits, gore and out-of-date cgi, what else could you want in a modern B movie.
1: An American Werewolf in London
This movie is a dark comedy that is an interesting take on the classic Wolfman tale (the movie makes a few references to the original). The movie starts with a couple of tourists exploring the north of England when they get attacked by a werewolf. One of the men dies and the other survives with a few wounds from the beast. While recovering David, the guy who survived, starts to see his dead friend, who warns him that he is a werewolf who will kill a lot of people. All of the werewolf's victims are stuck in limbo and haunt the werewolf, encouraging them to kill themselves. The haunting combined with the feeling of uncertainty that comes from bizarre situations creates a good tension for the main character and audience. The idea that the main character might just be crazy is something shared by the doctor and nurse looking after David as well as the audience. The practical effects are good and the acting is 70's good. This is definitely a watch. Also, the last act starts in a porno theater with one of the funniest fake pornos ever. I never thought I would use the phrase "avant garde" to describe a porn, but I have been proven wrong.
Eshi: An American Werewolf in London is the sort of movie that warrants a two drink minimum. Not that its bad, its not, its just the kind of flat, soft-focus cinematography that mustachioed 70's directors designed to highlight a mid-afternoon buzz. My favorite character in this entire film is the dead friend. He's the driving force behind a lot of the actual humor in the movie and I can't help but be delighted by his casual insistence that David just cash in and go home. The obligatory enigmatically unhelpful country folk are always fun, and their interaction with the snooty London doctor is grand. Not a bad film to justify a popcorn binge.
2: Late Phases
This movie is the story of an old man being forced to live in a retirement community by his son. During his first night in his new place his next door neighbor and his dog are killed by werewolf. He realizes immediately that it is not a crazed animal picking off old people, and spends the next 30 days brooding, preparing to kill a werewolf, and trying to figure out who the werewolf is. This movie is interesting, it focuses a lot on how old/disabled people are looked down upon, but also goes out of is way to make a bunch of characters unlikable so you don't feel bad when they die. I mentioned brooding earlier, and while I was joking I wasn't being disingenuous. A lot of this movie is spend with the main character being grumpy and giving people reasons to not trust or like him. He is the stereotypical angry old war vet, who refuses help and alienates everyone around them, including family. Part of the movie is spent on his redemption from that, but he is still kind of a dick. Its entertaining, but a far from perfect movie. The acting is passable, and while its the very definition of slow burn the payoff is fun and cathartic, though I think the ending is kind of mediocre.
Eshi: I don't have good feelings about old people in general. Its not a hard prejudice, I've just spent a fair amount of time dealing with old people and they tend to be unpleasant for reasons cultural, personal and biological. So watching a movie about the exact type of really old people I dislike getting werewolf-oriented comeuppance is every fantasy I ever had at a nursing home picnic. That said in the first 15 minutes they kill off one of two characters I actually like and a dog. We've discussed killing dogs on film. The other likable character is the preacher, which feels like a weird thing to say. All in all Late Phases is fun, watch it with your Gandpa.
3: Wolfcop
This movie was so much better in my head. I wanted the movie to be far more campy then it was. I feel bad that my expectations probably stained it for me. The movie is about an alcoholic cop who gets turned into a werewolf via a cult of changelings who will use his blood for a ritual to maintain their power. There are a few laughs and some excellent effects, specifically when a guy gets his face ripped off and runs around screaming. I get the feeling watching this movie that it takes itself too seriously, though that is mostly from the tone. I do like that the cop becomes a werewolf and digs it instead of treating it like a curse. Its an ok movie, but I get the feeling that booze would have made it better.
Eshi: It probably doesn't say anything good about the genre how much its improved by intoxicants. Wolfcop is about lizard people ruling a redneck town through ritual sacrifice and a poorly crafted cocktail of guns, drugs and presumably fucking. The practical effects are pretty sold, including the werewolf transformation which is rare. I do feel obliged to inform you guys that there is like a 3 minute yiff scene that doesn't contribute to a great day. It has tits, gore and out-of-date cgi, what else could you want in a modern B movie.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Fuck That Guy
So, its been pointed out to me that since two of my Rules are dedicated to the idea of That Guy (and the rest can at least also apply to That Guy situations) I should probably make an attempt to clarify the term. In the original post I linked to Shane from the Walking Dead, I did this because Shane exhibits every single That Guy behavior right up until he gets his proper That Guy comeuppance. Not every TG is going to be as bad as Shane and hell, a good many of them will be significantly less fictional, so its important to note the signs. Unfortunately, the nastiest indicator of this tragic condition isn't apparent until its too late, That Guy is prone to casual betrayal.
The betrayal will always be something more major than you would have thought them capable of, it will always be a surprise (at least to you) and it will always be something you could have seen coming if you were paying attention. Meaningful looks when they think you aren't looking, occasional spikes in passive aggressive behavior in regard to a specific thing, that sort of thing. When the hurt does finally come it will be accompanied by either an attempt to shift blame or play the "you would have done the same" card. Eddie Norton in The Italian Job is a great example of the latter. I know I use a lot of cinematic references, but the real people send me into a rage spiral so fiction it is. After whatever bullshit justification That Guy attempts there will usually be some conciliatory effort or apology as That Guy seeks to avoid the alienation that would deprive them of their resources, i.e. you. This is usually the point at which to abscond with whatever you have left or kill the fucker (in an appropriately dire apocalyptic scenario).
If you'd like to spot TG before they fuck up your shit, there is an earlier indicator; negotiation. Specifically, TG doesn't. Everything is either a straight up acquiescence or petulant insistence on their own way. I'm not talking about your friend who doesn't care where you go out to dinner, just as long as it isn't any one of a dozen places they don't like. I'm talking about your "friend" who decides you are all going out to that Ethiopian place and then gets pissy when someone asks about going somewhere else.
There's more to it than this, because of course there is; people are complex, but these are the big ones. Now, I don't want it to seem like I'm speaking from atop an ivory tower or anything here. I don't come by my loathing of this sort of person artificially, I am one. I know how fucking terrible That Guy is because I spent most of my life fucking over the people around me for fun and profit, until I started getting fucked over by the people around me. It took a while, but eventually I worked out what the shape of the problem was and took my own advice. I cut ties with that part of myself. As much as possible anyway. I'm proof that That Guy can change his ways, I hope, but don't ever doubt for a moment that the first step to changing is admitting to yourself how wrong you are, and That Guy is allergic to change and terrified of being wrong.
The betrayal will always be something more major than you would have thought them capable of, it will always be a surprise (at least to you) and it will always be something you could have seen coming if you were paying attention. Meaningful looks when they think you aren't looking, occasional spikes in passive aggressive behavior in regard to a specific thing, that sort of thing. When the hurt does finally come it will be accompanied by either an attempt to shift blame or play the "you would have done the same" card. Eddie Norton in The Italian Job is a great example of the latter. I know I use a lot of cinematic references, but the real people send me into a rage spiral so fiction it is. After whatever bullshit justification That Guy attempts there will usually be some conciliatory effort or apology as That Guy seeks to avoid the alienation that would deprive them of their resources, i.e. you. This is usually the point at which to abscond with whatever you have left or kill the fucker (in an appropriately dire apocalyptic scenario).
If you'd like to spot TG before they fuck up your shit, there is an earlier indicator; negotiation. Specifically, TG doesn't. Everything is either a straight up acquiescence or petulant insistence on their own way. I'm not talking about your friend who doesn't care where you go out to dinner, just as long as it isn't any one of a dozen places they don't like. I'm talking about your "friend" who decides you are all going out to that Ethiopian place and then gets pissy when someone asks about going somewhere else.
There's more to it than this, because of course there is; people are complex, but these are the big ones. Now, I don't want it to seem like I'm speaking from atop an ivory tower or anything here. I don't come by my loathing of this sort of person artificially, I am one. I know how fucking terrible That Guy is because I spent most of my life fucking over the people around me for fun and profit, until I started getting fucked over by the people around me. It took a while, but eventually I worked out what the shape of the problem was and took my own advice. I cut ties with that part of myself. As much as possible anyway. I'm proof that That Guy can change his ways, I hope, but don't ever doubt for a moment that the first step to changing is admitting to yourself how wrong you are, and That Guy is allergic to change and terrified of being wrong.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we continue with our month long horror theme with another franchise: Alien. So, xenomorphs abound! The Alien franchise is well know for being great at monster based horror. It is also known for being hit and miss after the first couple movies. Anyways~ To the list!
1: Alien
This is my favorite of the franchise. Ridley Scott knows how to scare the shit out of people. This movie is tense and atmospheric and even if you know whats going to happen still makes you jump. This is a movie about a corporate spaceship being asked to investigate a strange beacon while on its way back to earth after a mission. While investigating a ship, which may be alien in nature, shit goes wrong when a creature latches onto a guy's face. This leads to a xenomorph trying to eat the crew, and the crew trying to kill it in order to get home safely. An interesting note about this movie: Ripley is only a girl because Ridley Scott thought that people would expect a male character to be the only survivor. So yes, the Talented Ms. Ripley kicks all the ass because people were probably going to be sexist about it. I think its a nice way to buck trends in horror movies, take what people expect and turn it around. I only wish you didn't have to have all of the stereotypes in the first place to make fucking with them so effective. Regardless, the effects are well done and the acting is good. Sigourney Weaver is great as a hero with a (mostly) cool head. This movie is definitely worth watching if you like tense horror that comes from an insurmountable enemy. That being said if you like less psychological horror and more pulpy, action-adventure horror then you should watch the sequel.
Eshi: Attentive readers may have noticed that we have a deep love of practical effects, Alien is why. This film is stunning, as one would expect from something designed by the sorely missed H.R. Giger. I mean sure, pretty much everything the camera sees in Alien is wet, slimy genitals, but they're really visually interesting genitals. The entire set design is subtly off-putting, even the bits that aren't giant industrial fuck-parts, and the characters are all just competent enough to seem like they have an idea of what they're doing, while just stupid enough to make their stupid horror movie decisions forgivable. There's a reason Alien is a classic, watch it.
2: Aliens
I like Aliens despite the fact that I hate James Cameron. I get that he has made lots of hits and all, but none of his movies are memorable for me. He shoots expensive movies with cutting edge technology, which is good for spectacle, but are mostly shallow and leave something to be desired. In the case of Aliens, the dialog is kinda shitty for the bulk of the movie. Every time the machismo driven marines talk I rooted for the alien to eviscerate them. This movie is a direct sequel to the first movie, where Ripley is found and asked about what happened to the Nostromo. Shit goes down when they find out that a colony on the planet where the aliens were first found goes dark and a group of marines needs to go and find out what happened. Sigourney Weaver is still good as Ripley, and I have to say, I love Bill Paxton's freak out moments because he is the only one that reacts in the way you should when terrors from beyond the stars decide to make you into a lunch/baby machine. Lance Henriksen as Bishop was a good choice I think. He is good at expressing emotion and charisma via voice while still keeping a straight face. The action is good looking which is something that James Cameron is good at, and he manages to keep up a good flow and good tension during these scenes as well. Its a good movie if you like a little horror in your action.
Eshi: It was brought up whilst watching this that Xenomorphs are like ninja, one at a time is a fucking terrifying, inexorable rape/murder machine, but a bunch coming at you at once is just a big, floor-melty inconvenience for the most part. Aliens is mostly that second bit, made more critical by good old-fashioned "man is the real monster" bullshit. I kinda hate Paul Reiser as a casting choice, he's got that kinda smug, shit-eating look that just screams GEOD (it occurs to me I don't think I've ever used that acronym on here, Go Evil Or Die.) Fuck yeah Lance Henriksen, he's got that slightly haggard look about him that counterpoints his gentleness and charisma in this role quite well. I too goddamn loathe James Cameron, but even a broken clock manages to look like it has a fucking clue twice a day.
3: Prometheus
This movie is very beautiful, though a lot of people had issues with it as a whole and I can kind of see why. I don't think this is a bad movie but there's a lot missing from it. A few lines here and there to give some explanation of what is going on in a couple of places would have been helpful. It'sis not incomprehensible or anything, but it would have benefited from some more exposition instead of just assuming we would know why a group of people would launch themselves into deep space for reasons unknown. Prometheus is a prequel to the movie Alien where a bunch of archaeologists find clues to an alien species that might have seeded earth with life and where they might be. A group of scientists go to investigate this map and investigate a possible alien spaceship with predictable results. Despite a lacking plot, there is some good stuff in this movie. Michael Fassbender as the android David is amazing. His portrayal is stoic but full of character (much like Henriksen from Aliens). Everything from his walk to his way of staring at people while talking to them lets you know that he is not human, even though he looks like one. The music in the movie is good as well, and fits with the general theme of exploration. The thing is, this movie lacks heart in a lot of ways and its script is a mess. The main characters are fucking stupid, and have no idea how to interact with a new environment despite having knowledge of what happens when two previously separated groups of people meet without any form of sterilization. Seriously, at one point a scientist takes off his helmet because he wants to breath in the air inside a space ship. Surely nothing bad can happen from that right? Apparently, a version of the script that was far more coherent exists, but got fucked up because they decided to bring in one of the writers behind Lost. Hopefully, the sequels will not get fucked up. I still have faith that the franchise can produce good space horror.
Eshi: If I have three wishes that I could only use in regard to Prometheus, My first wish would be that Damon Lindelof had been arrested for too much goat fucking about two weeks before whatever fucking genius gave him access to the script had done so. Second would be that they had gone with the original script, because even without Lindelof and his goatfuckery, they could have still done something stupid, like incorporating a giant spider or something. The last one would just be a high five from Michael Fassbender, because those are my only real complaints about the film and Michael Fassbender is pretty fucking bad ass and I'm always excited about a bad ass high five. The main character is kind of unlikable, so I have a hard time not enjoying how much she gets shit-kicked. It really isn't that bad, it just could have been so much better.
1: Alien
This is my favorite of the franchise. Ridley Scott knows how to scare the shit out of people. This movie is tense and atmospheric and even if you know whats going to happen still makes you jump. This is a movie about a corporate spaceship being asked to investigate a strange beacon while on its way back to earth after a mission. While investigating a ship, which may be alien in nature, shit goes wrong when a creature latches onto a guy's face. This leads to a xenomorph trying to eat the crew, and the crew trying to kill it in order to get home safely. An interesting note about this movie: Ripley is only a girl because Ridley Scott thought that people would expect a male character to be the only survivor. So yes, the Talented Ms. Ripley kicks all the ass because people were probably going to be sexist about it. I think its a nice way to buck trends in horror movies, take what people expect and turn it around. I only wish you didn't have to have all of the stereotypes in the first place to make fucking with them so effective. Regardless, the effects are well done and the acting is good. Sigourney Weaver is great as a hero with a (mostly) cool head. This movie is definitely worth watching if you like tense horror that comes from an insurmountable enemy. That being said if you like less psychological horror and more pulpy, action-adventure horror then you should watch the sequel.
Eshi: Attentive readers may have noticed that we have a deep love of practical effects, Alien is why. This film is stunning, as one would expect from something designed by the sorely missed H.R. Giger. I mean sure, pretty much everything the camera sees in Alien is wet, slimy genitals, but they're really visually interesting genitals. The entire set design is subtly off-putting, even the bits that aren't giant industrial fuck-parts, and the characters are all just competent enough to seem like they have an idea of what they're doing, while just stupid enough to make their stupid horror movie decisions forgivable. There's a reason Alien is a classic, watch it.
2: Aliens
I like Aliens despite the fact that I hate James Cameron. I get that he has made lots of hits and all, but none of his movies are memorable for me. He shoots expensive movies with cutting edge technology, which is good for spectacle, but are mostly shallow and leave something to be desired. In the case of Aliens, the dialog is kinda shitty for the bulk of the movie. Every time the machismo driven marines talk I rooted for the alien to eviscerate them. This movie is a direct sequel to the first movie, where Ripley is found and asked about what happened to the Nostromo. Shit goes down when they find out that a colony on the planet where the aliens were first found goes dark and a group of marines needs to go and find out what happened. Sigourney Weaver is still good as Ripley, and I have to say, I love Bill Paxton's freak out moments because he is the only one that reacts in the way you should when terrors from beyond the stars decide to make you into a lunch/baby machine. Lance Henriksen as Bishop was a good choice I think. He is good at expressing emotion and charisma via voice while still keeping a straight face. The action is good looking which is something that James Cameron is good at, and he manages to keep up a good flow and good tension during these scenes as well. Its a good movie if you like a little horror in your action.
Eshi: It was brought up whilst watching this that Xenomorphs are like ninja, one at a time is a fucking terrifying, inexorable rape/murder machine, but a bunch coming at you at once is just a big, floor-melty inconvenience for the most part. Aliens is mostly that second bit, made more critical by good old-fashioned "man is the real monster" bullshit. I kinda hate Paul Reiser as a casting choice, he's got that kinda smug, shit-eating look that just screams GEOD (it occurs to me I don't think I've ever used that acronym on here, Go Evil Or Die.) Fuck yeah Lance Henriksen, he's got that slightly haggard look about him that counterpoints his gentleness and charisma in this role quite well. I too goddamn loathe James Cameron, but even a broken clock manages to look like it has a fucking clue twice a day.
3: Prometheus
This movie is very beautiful, though a lot of people had issues with it as a whole and I can kind of see why. I don't think this is a bad movie but there's a lot missing from it. A few lines here and there to give some explanation of what is going on in a couple of places would have been helpful. It'sis not incomprehensible or anything, but it would have benefited from some more exposition instead of just assuming we would know why a group of people would launch themselves into deep space for reasons unknown. Prometheus is a prequel to the movie Alien where a bunch of archaeologists find clues to an alien species that might have seeded earth with life and where they might be. A group of scientists go to investigate this map and investigate a possible alien spaceship with predictable results. Despite a lacking plot, there is some good stuff in this movie. Michael Fassbender as the android David is amazing. His portrayal is stoic but full of character (much like Henriksen from Aliens). Everything from his walk to his way of staring at people while talking to them lets you know that he is not human, even though he looks like one. The music in the movie is good as well, and fits with the general theme of exploration. The thing is, this movie lacks heart in a lot of ways and its script is a mess. The main characters are fucking stupid, and have no idea how to interact with a new environment despite having knowledge of what happens when two previously separated groups of people meet without any form of sterilization. Seriously, at one point a scientist takes off his helmet because he wants to breath in the air inside a space ship. Surely nothing bad can happen from that right? Apparently, a version of the script that was far more coherent exists, but got fucked up because they decided to bring in one of the writers behind Lost. Hopefully, the sequels will not get fucked up. I still have faith that the franchise can produce good space horror.
Eshi: If I have three wishes that I could only use in regard to Prometheus, My first wish would be that Damon Lindelof had been arrested for too much goat fucking about two weeks before whatever fucking genius gave him access to the script had done so. Second would be that they had gone with the original script, because even without Lindelof and his goatfuckery, they could have still done something stupid, like incorporating a giant spider or something. The last one would just be a high five from Michael Fassbender, because those are my only real complaints about the film and Michael Fassbender is pretty fucking bad ass and I'm always excited about a bad ass high five. The main character is kind of unlikable, so I have a hard time not enjoying how much she gets shit-kicked. It really isn't that bad, it just could have been so much better.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. Since its October we have decided to dedicate the month to horror movies. We start our month this week with Romero zombie movies. George A. Romero was the first person to put Zombies to film, and he is the best in my opinion. He is a champion of practical effects as well. All of the movies we watched had spectacular effects which makes it far more viscerally disturbing when a horde of zombies rip a dude apart while he yells "choke on it!" then when you can tell a guy is just CGI'd into a scene. Anyway, to the list!
1: Night of the Living Dead
This is the first zombie movie ever made. Almost all of the zombie tropes you are used to seeing came from this movie. Romero's zombies aren't as brainless as one would see in a lot of other zombie movies. In all of the Romero directed movies his zombies use tools to try to get into tasty human hiding spots, which actually comes up in our last movie of this week. This movie focuses on a small group of survivors hiding in a farm house after a zombies begin to roam the land. The effects in this movie are pretty minimal, though well done. Bosco Chocolate syrup was used for the blood, and it works well. This is a low budget movie shot in black and white so ham being used for fake flesh and syrup being used for blood looks real enough to be disturbing. All of the characters are good, even the shitty people. They all represent how people would respond to this type of situation. Barbra has a complete breakdown after seeing her brother killed, Ben stays clam and tries to do what he can to stay alive. Mr. Cooper is an asshole who feels like he needs to be in control to remain safe, and assumes that all of the other characters are going to get him killed if they get a say. I love the camera work in this movie, shots are often done at strange angles to emphasize how fucked up a situation is (either because of zombie hordes or people acting selfishly) and it adds to the overall tension of the film. This movie is good, and should be watched by any fan of the zombie genre.
Eshi: Zombies are a weird thing for me. On one hand a well done zombie movie, like these ones, is a fucking joy. On the other hand we need to fucking stop it. Not everything needs to have zombies attached. That said, fuck yeah Night of the Living Dead. The birth pang of the Zombie Horror genre is the perfect mix of campy, disturbing and balls out. Its not the best movie, but it is one of the most complete descriptors of the genre.
2: Dawn of the Dead
I want to get this out of the way: the 1978 version of this movie (my favorite of all of Romero's films) was not available for us to watch so we watched the remake. That being said for a remake it does some good stuff. A much more action oriented film, its about a group of survivors holed up in a shopping mall. The actors are decent (Ving Rhames is the fucking man) and there are a couple surprisingly funny moments. The action is tense and well shot. DotD focuses less on the zombies and more on how people go about dealing with the end of the world in a stable-ish environment. All of the bad shit that happens stems from a breakdown in a system because of the character flaws of certain individuals. As with so many apocalypse stories cowardice and control issues are a bigger threat then shambling corpses. Shows like the Walking Dead try to focus on this stuff as well but because it is a series they need to stretch all of the drama out for entire seasons which just makes the show tiring. In this, all of the drama is solved relatively quickly (usually by bad-ass, zombie related deaths) and then people move on. Its a good movie, I still prefer the original but as I said, its my favorite.
Eshi: I think this is the best all-around movie this week. Good action, strong characters (if a little fucking cliche), and some really cathartic violence. Having heard Brian talk about it I'm kinda pissed that we couldn't find the '78 version. I mean, not much, this one was really good, but still. Andy kicks all the ass and Ving Rhames is, indeed, the fucking man. Watch this one and let us know if you find some where to watch the original.
3: Day of the Dead
I found out after watching this movie that there was also a remake of it, but I have not seen it. This is the 1985 version. This movie, like Dawn, deals with people dealing with the end of the world, but has a larger focus on examining the zombie itself. The group this time isn't a bunch of random people in a mall, but a bunch of scientists and military types in a bunker trying to find a cure. One scientist in particular is studying the behavior of the zombies, and through this finds out that they have some ability to remember things from life, especially narratively relevant things. The military personnel, angry with how slow progress is and how many lives the research has cost, decide to bully the civilians. Of course shit goes tits up when they start this, and then begins the breakdown of the system. All of these movies deal with this kind of entropic breakdown of systems. In this movie (and a lot of zombie movies in general) humans are fucked up because they make the choice to be evil, while zombies aren't really evil because they act on instinct (which is changeable with training). The acting was ok, overacting was a big problem, but this movie also represents some of the best practical special effects I have seen in a long time. Its a good movie, watch it.
Eshi: Oh my fucking god, practical effects in the 80's. Day of the Dead revels in all the horrible 80's movie tropes and does so spectacularly. Half the fucking cast is just straight up crazy, as is 80's thriller tradition, and the casual racism grants just the kind of highly nuanced social commentary you'd expect. And I'll just say again, fuck yeah practical effects in the 80's.
1: Night of the Living Dead
This is the first zombie movie ever made. Almost all of the zombie tropes you are used to seeing came from this movie. Romero's zombies aren't as brainless as one would see in a lot of other zombie movies. In all of the Romero directed movies his zombies use tools to try to get into tasty human hiding spots, which actually comes up in our last movie of this week. This movie focuses on a small group of survivors hiding in a farm house after a zombies begin to roam the land. The effects in this movie are pretty minimal, though well done. Bosco Chocolate syrup was used for the blood, and it works well. This is a low budget movie shot in black and white so ham being used for fake flesh and syrup being used for blood looks real enough to be disturbing. All of the characters are good, even the shitty people. They all represent how people would respond to this type of situation. Barbra has a complete breakdown after seeing her brother killed, Ben stays clam and tries to do what he can to stay alive. Mr. Cooper is an asshole who feels like he needs to be in control to remain safe, and assumes that all of the other characters are going to get him killed if they get a say. I love the camera work in this movie, shots are often done at strange angles to emphasize how fucked up a situation is (either because of zombie hordes or people acting selfishly) and it adds to the overall tension of the film. This movie is good, and should be watched by any fan of the zombie genre.
Eshi: Zombies are a weird thing for me. On one hand a well done zombie movie, like these ones, is a fucking joy. On the other hand we need to fucking stop it. Not everything needs to have zombies attached. That said, fuck yeah Night of the Living Dead. The birth pang of the Zombie Horror genre is the perfect mix of campy, disturbing and balls out. Its not the best movie, but it is one of the most complete descriptors of the genre.
2: Dawn of the Dead
I want to get this out of the way: the 1978 version of this movie (my favorite of all of Romero's films) was not available for us to watch so we watched the remake. That being said for a remake it does some good stuff. A much more action oriented film, its about a group of survivors holed up in a shopping mall. The actors are decent (Ving Rhames is the fucking man) and there are a couple surprisingly funny moments. The action is tense and well shot. DotD focuses less on the zombies and more on how people go about dealing with the end of the world in a stable-ish environment. All of the bad shit that happens stems from a breakdown in a system because of the character flaws of certain individuals. As with so many apocalypse stories cowardice and control issues are a bigger threat then shambling corpses. Shows like the Walking Dead try to focus on this stuff as well but because it is a series they need to stretch all of the drama out for entire seasons which just makes the show tiring. In this, all of the drama is solved relatively quickly (usually by bad-ass, zombie related deaths) and then people move on. Its a good movie, I still prefer the original but as I said, its my favorite.
Eshi: I think this is the best all-around movie this week. Good action, strong characters (if a little fucking cliche), and some really cathartic violence. Having heard Brian talk about it I'm kinda pissed that we couldn't find the '78 version. I mean, not much, this one was really good, but still. Andy kicks all the ass and Ving Rhames is, indeed, the fucking man. Watch this one and let us know if you find some where to watch the original.
3: Day of the Dead
I found out after watching this movie that there was also a remake of it, but I have not seen it. This is the 1985 version. This movie, like Dawn, deals with people dealing with the end of the world, but has a larger focus on examining the zombie itself. The group this time isn't a bunch of random people in a mall, but a bunch of scientists and military types in a bunker trying to find a cure. One scientist in particular is studying the behavior of the zombies, and through this finds out that they have some ability to remember things from life, especially narratively relevant things. The military personnel, angry with how slow progress is and how many lives the research has cost, decide to bully the civilians. Of course shit goes tits up when they start this, and then begins the breakdown of the system. All of these movies deal with this kind of entropic breakdown of systems. In this movie (and a lot of zombie movies in general) humans are fucked up because they make the choice to be evil, while zombies aren't really evil because they act on instinct (which is changeable with training). The acting was ok, overacting was a big problem, but this movie also represents some of the best practical special effects I have seen in a long time. Its a good movie, watch it.
Eshi: Oh my fucking god, practical effects in the 80's. Day of the Dead revels in all the horrible 80's movie tropes and does so spectacularly. Half the fucking cast is just straight up crazy, as is 80's thriller tradition, and the casual racism grants just the kind of highly nuanced social commentary you'd expect. And I'll just say again, fuck yeah practical effects in the 80's.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we return to an old favorite, heist movies. Heist movies are great because they are tense and action packed while also often having a mystery to solve, such as who is going to betray whom and/or how will the heisters avoid the cops. They are fun movies that scratch a lot of itches. So anyway, without further ado: To the list!
1:The Bank Job
This heist movie is supposedly based on a true story that was prevented from going to press by British authorities. I say supposedly not because I don't believe them (the robbery in the movie actually happened) but because the movie is surrounded in fiction (the main characters are all made up by the producers). Regardless of the verisimilitude of the base story, that's not why we are here. The plot is based around a group of thieves who are hired by a friend who is being blackmailed by a British intelligence agent into robbing a bank to get a set of compromising photos a pimp/drug smuggler is using to stay out of jail. Its a little convoluted, but that's what makes heist movies fun most of the time, trying to suss out what allegiances people have. The acting is fine, and the movie is a lot funnier than I thought it would be, though it gets very dark in the later half. Jason Statham is good, but you can always count on him to be competent in an action flick and Saffron Burrows was good as the leading lady. James Faulkner surprised me in this movie. He plays a face type character who reminds me of a British John Waters, it was very well done. I enjoyed the movie for the most part, give it a shot.
Eshi: I have kind of a weird relationship with British gangster flicks. On one hand I've enjoyed every one that I've seen, but they also tend to run together in my head, the cast and, tone and rough layout are all pretty much the same in some pretty key regards. So a movie where Jason Statham is a witty bad ass with a good heart who steals something doesn't tend to make much of an impression. The Bank Job manages to avoid that fate for the most part. The heist itself is clever and tense and the aftermath is super cathartic. Also, its pretty easy to find free, so fuck it why not.
2:The Art Of The Steal
This movie surprised me a lot. The cast has some great chemistry and the plot is good, though we can't talk to much about it without spoiling it, which is the main problem when it comes to talking about heist movies. Basically a former wheel-man turned evil Knievil-style stunt motorcyclist decides to do one last job (because it is always one last job). I was definitely not expecting to find this movie so funny. I was expecting it to be kind of bad, so maybe that's why I was so surprised.Watch this movie, but keep in mind that it is not supposed to be a serious flick and you will have fun with the ridiculousness of some of it. There is more to talk about, but I can't without giving away some twists so lets move on.
Eshi: There isn't much to be said about this movie, as Brian has pointed out. I will say that there aren't enough movies about art thieves and this fills that gap super well. Jay Baruchel always plays essentially Jay Baruchel and I can never seem to find fault with that. Squirrely little fucker. Also, Kurt Russel looks kinda like a wax figure of himself these days. Or maybe some kind of flesh toned ham. I mean, he's always looked like he's made of unfortunate sausage, (nothing against him I love his movies and I also look like sad meat goods) but that was always part of his charm. Now I just feel like I should be concerned about his thyroid. I feel bad, because I'm really not trying to be mean, Kurt Russel is great and he doesn't need shit from me. But now I'm having too much fun with it to get rid of and all of my attempts to backpedal just make it worse. So instead of apologizing I'll just link his IMDB page and encourage you to watch the lot.
3:Three Kings
I had never seen this movie before this week, so some of the subject matter was dated (though not nearly enough of it). This movie is a heist movie about thieves with a conscience. Basically a group of soldiers decide to steal some stolen gold from the Iraqi government, who stole it from Kuwait. During the heist they spot a human tragedy unfolding in front of their eyes and instead of just running with the money they intervene. Its a good movie because it focuses on an aspect of war that often gets forgotten, people are people. Our enemies are still people and should be approached as such. All of the major conflicts in the movie come from "othering". The cast is good, George Clooney is charismatic as fuck, no surprise there, and for some reason Marky Mark has endeared himself to me. Also I haven't seen enough of Ice Cube's work, but he was good in this role so I want to check him out in other stuff. While the movie is a little heavy handed at times, the message needs to land so its forgivable. Watch it.
Eshi: Fucking Marky Mark man, somebody get that fucker a funky bunch again and lets get to it. For a heist/human interest/rescue movie Three Kings manages to stay relatively coherent and has some poignant themes. The action is a little over stylized at points but it sends its message. I'm also always kinda pleased when Jaime Kennedy's piercing annoyance is tempered by a role that can use it. Certainly worth the runtime.
1:The Bank Job
This heist movie is supposedly based on a true story that was prevented from going to press by British authorities. I say supposedly not because I don't believe them (the robbery in the movie actually happened) but because the movie is surrounded in fiction (the main characters are all made up by the producers). Regardless of the verisimilitude of the base story, that's not why we are here. The plot is based around a group of thieves who are hired by a friend who is being blackmailed by a British intelligence agent into robbing a bank to get a set of compromising photos a pimp/drug smuggler is using to stay out of jail. Its a little convoluted, but that's what makes heist movies fun most of the time, trying to suss out what allegiances people have. The acting is fine, and the movie is a lot funnier than I thought it would be, though it gets very dark in the later half. Jason Statham is good, but you can always count on him to be competent in an action flick and Saffron Burrows was good as the leading lady. James Faulkner surprised me in this movie. He plays a face type character who reminds me of a British John Waters, it was very well done. I enjoyed the movie for the most part, give it a shot.
Eshi: I have kind of a weird relationship with British gangster flicks. On one hand I've enjoyed every one that I've seen, but they also tend to run together in my head, the cast and, tone and rough layout are all pretty much the same in some pretty key regards. So a movie where Jason Statham is a witty bad ass with a good heart who steals something doesn't tend to make much of an impression. The Bank Job manages to avoid that fate for the most part. The heist itself is clever and tense and the aftermath is super cathartic. Also, its pretty easy to find free, so fuck it why not.
2:The Art Of The Steal
This movie surprised me a lot. The cast has some great chemistry and the plot is good, though we can't talk to much about it without spoiling it, which is the main problem when it comes to talking about heist movies. Basically a former wheel-man turned evil Knievil-style stunt motorcyclist decides to do one last job (because it is always one last job). I was definitely not expecting to find this movie so funny. I was expecting it to be kind of bad, so maybe that's why I was so surprised.Watch this movie, but keep in mind that it is not supposed to be a serious flick and you will have fun with the ridiculousness of some of it. There is more to talk about, but I can't without giving away some twists so lets move on.
Eshi: There isn't much to be said about this movie, as Brian has pointed out. I will say that there aren't enough movies about art thieves and this fills that gap super well. Jay Baruchel always plays essentially Jay Baruchel and I can never seem to find fault with that. Squirrely little fucker. Also, Kurt Russel looks kinda like a wax figure of himself these days. Or maybe some kind of flesh toned ham. I mean, he's always looked like he's made of unfortunate sausage, (nothing against him I love his movies and I also look like sad meat goods) but that was always part of his charm. Now I just feel like I should be concerned about his thyroid. I feel bad, because I'm really not trying to be mean, Kurt Russel is great and he doesn't need shit from me. But now I'm having too much fun with it to get rid of and all of my attempts to backpedal just make it worse. So instead of apologizing I'll just link his IMDB page and encourage you to watch the lot.
3:Three Kings
I had never seen this movie before this week, so some of the subject matter was dated (though not nearly enough of it). This movie is a heist movie about thieves with a conscience. Basically a group of soldiers decide to steal some stolen gold from the Iraqi government, who stole it from Kuwait. During the heist they spot a human tragedy unfolding in front of their eyes and instead of just running with the money they intervene. Its a good movie because it focuses on an aspect of war that often gets forgotten, people are people. Our enemies are still people and should be approached as such. All of the major conflicts in the movie come from "othering". The cast is good, George Clooney is charismatic as fuck, no surprise there, and for some reason Marky Mark has endeared himself to me. Also I haven't seen enough of Ice Cube's work, but he was good in this role so I want to check him out in other stuff. While the movie is a little heavy handed at times, the message needs to land so its forgivable. Watch it.
Eshi: Fucking Marky Mark man, somebody get that fucker a funky bunch again and lets get to it. For a heist/human interest/rescue movie Three Kings manages to stay relatively coherent and has some poignant themes. The action is a little over stylized at points but it sends its message. I'm also always kinda pleased when Jaime Kennedy's piercing annoyance is tempered by a role that can use it. Certainly worth the runtime.
Monday, September 28, 2015
The Fats of Life
So, I feel the need to clarify an argument I've been seeing a great deal of lately. I'm referring to the whole "obesity" discussion. There has been quite a fucking row going on for a decade or so now to determine whether or not to really accept fat people into mainstream culture. This has led to heated debates about the health of the fat "lifestyle", the public impact of fattitude, so forth and so on ad nauseam. It seems to me this is a false premise. Its none of your fucking business.
I will admit outright, I'm a tubby fucker. I'm not proud of it, I'm not really ashamed of it these days, its just how shit is. This is the case for numerous reasons; I enjoy the social, cultural, chemical, and Epicurean components and impacts of food. Cooking is not just pretty much the only thing I've been meaningfully praised for, its associated with pretty much every positive experience in my life. My wife and I started falling in love over meals that I cooked. The first time, and nearly every other time, I can remember my father praising me was for my work in the kitchen. And frankly I'd much rather die at 40 with a bellyful of delicious food shared with loved ones than at 90 having been fed through a tube in my nose for a month or two. I've seen people die of old age, its fucking horrifying. Give me half an hour and a heart attack over six months of prolonged brain death any fucking day. All of those things are grand for me, and that's it. For me. It doesn't fucking involve you.
On the health argument, yes being fat is unhealthy. But its not fucking contagious, me being fat isn't going to give you diabetes. So fuck you; its my meatpuppet, I'll pull the fucking strings. I've heard the whole, "oh, but all the health insurance costs" bullshit and it is just that. Bullshit. If your argument is that all the other people being fat is making your insurance cost more, that's a problem with the whole insurance/health industry more than it is with people being fat, capitalism has a nasty effect on basic shit like healthcare. If you feel as though that structural failing gives you a right to make other people's bodies into a public health issue, you are incorrect. If christian scientists spat the kind of vitriol at cancer patients that the militant "healthy" people do at fat people we'd label them monsters and feel better about ourselves for being better than them. Now, the scale is different but the base argument is the same, "you have a condition that may or may not have been preventable, that I do not fully understand, and I am going oppress you because I feel it is easily remedied."
On the aesthetic, this is simple, if you don't think fat people are attractive do not fuck them. That's fine, no one would give you shit for not wanting to put your mouth on some crispy hobo junk. Just don't be a dick because you find them unsexy. Because if their worth to you is solely determined on your willingness to put your parts on theirs you are a piece of shit. In the same way that anyone who abuses others to feel better is a piece of shit. If a fat person gives you shit for politely not wanting to fuck them, well that person sucks, good for you not fucking that shithead. But that's it.
I find that one of the biggest groups (no pun intended) of people who grumble about how much fat people suck are people who at least claim to have previously been fat. I put it that way because so much of this discussion happens in the Tubes and personal claims are only limited by character limits online. There's a great deal of talk about prioritizing your health from these people, but what if I don't? I know that some day I will die and that, realistically, my ability to extend that date is modified by too many random factors for me to reliably manipulate. So rather than prioritize health I prioritize bringing joy to my life and the lives around me. I know, I'm such a fat, worthless, piece of shit right?
As far as anyone knows for sure we only get the one go around here, and its pretty fucking shitty to try and deny someone what makes them happy just because you can. Everything in life has consequences, positive and negative. Might as well admit that bad shit could happen and just try to enjoy the ride.
I will admit outright, I'm a tubby fucker. I'm not proud of it, I'm not really ashamed of it these days, its just how shit is. This is the case for numerous reasons; I enjoy the social, cultural, chemical, and Epicurean components and impacts of food. Cooking is not just pretty much the only thing I've been meaningfully praised for, its associated with pretty much every positive experience in my life. My wife and I started falling in love over meals that I cooked. The first time, and nearly every other time, I can remember my father praising me was for my work in the kitchen. And frankly I'd much rather die at 40 with a bellyful of delicious food shared with loved ones than at 90 having been fed through a tube in my nose for a month or two. I've seen people die of old age, its fucking horrifying. Give me half an hour and a heart attack over six months of prolonged brain death any fucking day. All of those things are grand for me, and that's it. For me. It doesn't fucking involve you.
On the health argument, yes being fat is unhealthy. But its not fucking contagious, me being fat isn't going to give you diabetes. So fuck you; its my meatpuppet, I'll pull the fucking strings. I've heard the whole, "oh, but all the health insurance costs" bullshit and it is just that. Bullshit. If your argument is that all the other people being fat is making your insurance cost more, that's a problem with the whole insurance/health industry more than it is with people being fat, capitalism has a nasty effect on basic shit like healthcare. If you feel as though that structural failing gives you a right to make other people's bodies into a public health issue, you are incorrect. If christian scientists spat the kind of vitriol at cancer patients that the militant "healthy" people do at fat people we'd label them monsters and feel better about ourselves for being better than them. Now, the scale is different but the base argument is the same, "you have a condition that may or may not have been preventable, that I do not fully understand, and I am going oppress you because I feel it is easily remedied."
On the aesthetic, this is simple, if you don't think fat people are attractive do not fuck them. That's fine, no one would give you shit for not wanting to put your mouth on some crispy hobo junk. Just don't be a dick because you find them unsexy. Because if their worth to you is solely determined on your willingness to put your parts on theirs you are a piece of shit. In the same way that anyone who abuses others to feel better is a piece of shit. If a fat person gives you shit for politely not wanting to fuck them, well that person sucks, good for you not fucking that shithead. But that's it.
I find that one of the biggest groups (no pun intended) of people who grumble about how much fat people suck are people who at least claim to have previously been fat. I put it that way because so much of this discussion happens in the Tubes and personal claims are only limited by character limits online. There's a great deal of talk about prioritizing your health from these people, but what if I don't? I know that some day I will die and that, realistically, my ability to extend that date is modified by too many random factors for me to reliably manipulate. So rather than prioritize health I prioritize bringing joy to my life and the lives around me. I know, I'm such a fat, worthless, piece of shit right?
As far as anyone knows for sure we only get the one go around here, and its pretty fucking shitty to try and deny someone what makes them happy just because you can. Everything in life has consequences, positive and negative. Might as well admit that bad shit could happen and just try to enjoy the ride.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh, this week we started out with a plan to watch Sean Connery movies but we ran into a bit of a snag and needed to change direction quickly. In this case we watched The Hunt For Red October, and then had to change gears from Sean Connery to Tom Clancy Movies. I am not a fan of Tom Clancy, not in the "I hate him" sort of way or anything (though I do disagree with his politics), I have just never read one of his books is all. I might change that tune though, because this was a mostly alright week with an interesting style of spy thriller I would like to dub Intelligence Thriller. They weren't as slow as a movie like Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy but they also weren't as balls out as Mission Impossible. These movies (for the most part, as you will see) emphasized intelligence, and the importance of understanding the opposition instead of just saying "they are bad guys, lets stop them with guns and gadgets!" though there is some of that. Anyway, enough with the explanations, let's get to the list!
1: The Hunt For Red October
I want to get this out of the way because the main character of this movie appears in all of our movies this week. Jack Ryan is a character of pure masturbation. He is a writer/historian who works for the CIA as an analyst and is super competent in almost all fields he works in. Author insertion fantasy persona (or AIFaP) is the term I think. Regardless, its a nifty idea, an analyst is forced into fieldwork because they are the only person who thinks that the supposed villain might not be one. In this case its a Russian submarine commander who has taken an advanced sub on a direct route to the USA so he can defect. The problem is that he doesn't tell anyone in the US that he is doing that, so the US decides that a sub, on its way to it's coast loaded with nukes, might be a threat. Jack Ryan deduces that this captain, who is well known for being brilliant, wouldn't do that and tries to open up a line of communication with him. Its a movie that takes a while to get going, but is nice and tense when it does. It does a good job of making the world feel claustrophobic inside of the subs, which continues to build, especially when people start getting shot at. Alec Baldwin does a good job playing Jack Ryan, and is believable as a former marine turned writer. Sean Connery makes me fucking laugh in this movie a lot. Not because his acting was bad (it wasn't, the man is an excellent actor) but because listening to his "Russian" accent was amusing. Connery is notorious for not giving two shits about hiding or changing his Scottish accent and if he wasn't such a good actor it would have been his downfall long ago. But now we can all giggle as he speaks Russian as spoken by someone in Edinburgh. The movie was good, despite some little plot holes, and well worth a watch.
Eshi: So leaving aside the fact that writing a fictional story about you saving the world with how fucking clever you are is about the trashiest authorial failing that doesn't involve a government propagandist, Jack Ryan is a fun character. Its rare to see a protagonist who can make solving problems with diplomatic minutia engaging. Sean Connery is grand, Tim Curry is always a joy and Sam Neill manages to not be completely unsettling in every scene. Its tense, fun, and interesting; give it a watch.
2: The Sum Of All Fears
I was shocked by how much I enjoyed this movie. Its a movie about a bunch of (ugh.) Nazis who decide to play the US and Russia against each other a midst diplomatic tension. Jack Ryan is once again pulled into the fray when he knows more about the intentions of the other side than the people in charge and must find out what is really going on. I like Ben Affleck and Morgan Freeman, and they did some good work in this film. Their relationship as mentor and mentee is believable and fun to watch. Liev Schreiber was also good, playing Tom Clancy's other main character John Clark. I also liked the message that this movie appeared to have: there needs to be some amount of trust and honest communication between countries, or else we will all die in nuclear war.
Eshi: This was my favorite movie this week. Ben Affleck has just the right combination of smug douchebag and closet nerd to really sell Jack Ryan. The synergy between Ryan and Clark is beautiful to watch once it gets going and is a far more faithful example of effective intelligence work than movies are known for. Liev Schreiber is probably my favorite action-oriented actor, and SoAF uses him well, even if he takes a back seat. In its heart The Sum of All Fears is a love letter to diplomacy, and on that level alone it deserves an afternoon.
3: Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
This movie departs from the other two by having a distinct enemy from the beginning instead of a red herring. This isn't bad, its just indicative of a huge change in tone from the last two movies and this one. While understanding motivations of your enemy and using intelligence to figure out enemy plots happens in all of these movies, it feels like less of a plot device and more a framing for action sequences. There is more focus on Jack Ryan's marine training and action rather than his analyst side, which takes away from the feel of the others. There is also a romance in this movie that is played way up, which wouldn't be a problem if this wasn't a movie about the CIA. No agent, regardless of need, would put a US civilian in this amount of danger. Also why the fuck is a non-field agent doing espionage. They clearly have the resources to have people on site (I counted 6 agents for the CIA just in the break in scene) who are going to be better trained for field work than this guy. I get that he needs to look at the data, but that doesn't mean he needs to be the one to get it. This movie tried to go to far in the action hero direction, which I think was a mistake. Its not awful, but its not good either.
Eshi: Ugh, I fucking hate Chris Pine as Jack Ryan. He's the wrong kind of charismatic, the wrong kind of action hero, and (his actual intelligence notwithstanding) he can't sell smart to save his life. Sly, yes. Smart, no. Kevin Costner is a painful let down as the mentor, Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones are acts to follow and frankly Kevy Cos lacks both the gravitas and the charisma. Also, Keira Knightly is weird, pretty much always. You can tell that this one wasn't actually written by Tom Clancy, it lacks depth, it lacks intrigue. Honestly, I'd skip this one.
1: The Hunt For Red October
I want to get this out of the way because the main character of this movie appears in all of our movies this week. Jack Ryan is a character of pure masturbation. He is a writer/historian who works for the CIA as an analyst and is super competent in almost all fields he works in. Author insertion fantasy persona (or AIFaP) is the term I think. Regardless, its a nifty idea, an analyst is forced into fieldwork because they are the only person who thinks that the supposed villain might not be one. In this case its a Russian submarine commander who has taken an advanced sub on a direct route to the USA so he can defect. The problem is that he doesn't tell anyone in the US that he is doing that, so the US decides that a sub, on its way to it's coast loaded with nukes, might be a threat. Jack Ryan deduces that this captain, who is well known for being brilliant, wouldn't do that and tries to open up a line of communication with him. Its a movie that takes a while to get going, but is nice and tense when it does. It does a good job of making the world feel claustrophobic inside of the subs, which continues to build, especially when people start getting shot at. Alec Baldwin does a good job playing Jack Ryan, and is believable as a former marine turned writer. Sean Connery makes me fucking laugh in this movie a lot. Not because his acting was bad (it wasn't, the man is an excellent actor) but because listening to his "Russian" accent was amusing. Connery is notorious for not giving two shits about hiding or changing his Scottish accent and if he wasn't such a good actor it would have been his downfall long ago. But now we can all giggle as he speaks Russian as spoken by someone in Edinburgh. The movie was good, despite some little plot holes, and well worth a watch.
Eshi: So leaving aside the fact that writing a fictional story about you saving the world with how fucking clever you are is about the trashiest authorial failing that doesn't involve a government propagandist, Jack Ryan is a fun character. Its rare to see a protagonist who can make solving problems with diplomatic minutia engaging. Sean Connery is grand, Tim Curry is always a joy and Sam Neill manages to not be completely unsettling in every scene. Its tense, fun, and interesting; give it a watch.
2: The Sum Of All Fears
I was shocked by how much I enjoyed this movie. Its a movie about a bunch of (ugh.) Nazis who decide to play the US and Russia against each other a midst diplomatic tension. Jack Ryan is once again pulled into the fray when he knows more about the intentions of the other side than the people in charge and must find out what is really going on. I like Ben Affleck and Morgan Freeman, and they did some good work in this film. Their relationship as mentor and mentee is believable and fun to watch. Liev Schreiber was also good, playing Tom Clancy's other main character John Clark. I also liked the message that this movie appeared to have: there needs to be some amount of trust and honest communication between countries, or else we will all die in nuclear war.
Eshi: This was my favorite movie this week. Ben Affleck has just the right combination of smug douchebag and closet nerd to really sell Jack Ryan. The synergy between Ryan and Clark is beautiful to watch once it gets going and is a far more faithful example of effective intelligence work than movies are known for. Liev Schreiber is probably my favorite action-oriented actor, and SoAF uses him well, even if he takes a back seat. In its heart The Sum of All Fears is a love letter to diplomacy, and on that level alone it deserves an afternoon.
3: Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
This movie departs from the other two by having a distinct enemy from the beginning instead of a red herring. This isn't bad, its just indicative of a huge change in tone from the last two movies and this one. While understanding motivations of your enemy and using intelligence to figure out enemy plots happens in all of these movies, it feels like less of a plot device and more a framing for action sequences. There is more focus on Jack Ryan's marine training and action rather than his analyst side, which takes away from the feel of the others. There is also a romance in this movie that is played way up, which wouldn't be a problem if this wasn't a movie about the CIA. No agent, regardless of need, would put a US civilian in this amount of danger. Also why the fuck is a non-field agent doing espionage. They clearly have the resources to have people on site (I counted 6 agents for the CIA just in the break in scene) who are going to be better trained for field work than this guy. I get that he needs to look at the data, but that doesn't mean he needs to be the one to get it. This movie tried to go to far in the action hero direction, which I think was a mistake. Its not awful, but its not good either.
Eshi: Ugh, I fucking hate Chris Pine as Jack Ryan. He's the wrong kind of charismatic, the wrong kind of action hero, and (his actual intelligence notwithstanding) he can't sell smart to save his life. Sly, yes. Smart, no. Kevin Costner is a painful let down as the mentor, Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones are acts to follow and frankly Kevy Cos lacks both the gravitas and the charisma. Also, Keira Knightly is weird, pretty much always. You can tell that this one wasn't actually written by Tom Clancy, it lacks depth, it lacks intrigue. Honestly, I'd skip this one.
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