Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh! This week we finished our month long monster movie marathon. We have done zombies, aliens, and werewolves so far, and this week we round out the horror theme with vampires! Vampire movies are some of my favorite movies because the enemy is almost always suave at the same time as being fucking terrifying. It's the best. To the list!
1: Horror of Dracula
This movie is a pretty decent version of the classic Dracula story. Dracula hires a librarian, who turns out to be the vampire hunter, Johnathan Harker. When Harker fails to kill his target, he is turned by the Count, who then goes to Harker's hometown to get revenge by turning his fiancee. Van Helsing kills his former partner and follows Dracula in an attempt to end his tyranny for ever. Christopher Lee plays the titular character, and does so with style. He's creepy and his very presence has weight, for the like 3 minutes he is in the movie. I can see why he became the go to Dracula for a while though. Peter Cushing plays the main hero, Doctor Van Helsing, and I have to say, I would never have pictured Grand Moff Tarkin as a practitioner of parkour but I will now. He does some pretty impressive running and jumping while fighting Dracula, its impressive. Its a good movie, watch it with some friends while eating too much Halloween candy.
Eshi: I have to admit, I was really hoping that Dracula would have that fucking awesome Christopher Lee voice, but after I got over that disappointment I had a good time. Hammer horror tends to have that old school propriety that serves to add to the apparent discomfort of the characters and the Horror of Dracula is a great demonstration. Peter Cushing is surprisingly compelling as a determined Vampire hunter, and he does indeed book it like a motherfucker when time comes to kick some undead ass. I do find myself wishing both that Sir Christopher was a bigger part of this film, and that he hadn't been guilted into so much work because of it. If you're feeling a good old-fashioned monster movie this is a solid top to that list.
2: From Dusk Till Dawn
This is a more pulpy version of vampires. This movie starts with a two brothers escaping to Mexico after a bit of a crime spree. Along the way they pick up some hostages (a super Christian family of three on a trip) and eventually get to a bar called Titty Twister to wait for a contact who will take them to a safe haven called El Rey. While watching Salma Hayek dance, she and all of the bar's employees turn into vampires and start killing people. Our unlikely group of people then have to survive until morning. I love this movie. It knows that its a little campy, and seeks to take that to the extreme. The cast is great, there are some very funny bits, and the effects are cheesy but not terrible. All in all it is a great movie, watch it with some buddies.
Eshi: From Dusk till Dawn is one of my favorite fun vampire movies. George Clooney is exactly as charming and Clooney-esque as he always fucking is, and Harvey Keitel shows the depth of his phenomenal talent by not making his ex-preacher character into a complete fucking choad. I feel like there where several scenes in this film that had to be done with stunt feet, because Quentin Tarantino reeeeaaaally gets his money's worth on that directorial authority in regards to his weird-ass foot thing. This movie has vampires, tits, violence and a guy named Sex Machine who has a dick gun. Why aren't you watching it right now?
3: John Carpenter's Vampires
This movie starts out with a bunch of vampire hunters killing a bunch of vampires who had made a nest in a Mexican farmhouse. They kill a lot of "goons", but the master vampire is nowhere to be found. Later that night the master interrupts a party the hunters are having by killing 90% of them and turning a hooker. The remaining hunters decide to use the master's telepathic link with his newly turned vampire against him by asking her what she sees when she receives visions from him. It turns out that the vampire they are hunting is the first vampire, and that he is trying to find an object with which he will be able to walk in the sun. I still don't know how to feel about this movie. I love John Carpenter's work, but I didn't enjoy this movie. Truth be told I spent the bulk of this movie making fun of Daniel Bladwin. I thought it was fun watching James Woods try to hard be cool while the vampire leader tried to channel The Crow, but that doesn't make a good movie. The weird "love story" between Dustin Baldwin and Sheryl Lee made no sense. Their entire interaction is him pushing her around, stripping her naked while she was passed out and tying her to a bed, and punching her in her face. This is not a romance as much an abduction but the movie plays it off as the former, and that was a little disconcerting. All in all I think this movie would have been improved with alcohol.
Eshi: I can totally understand why Brian doesn't like this movie. However, between Devlin Baldwin's bipolar courting process and James Woods asking his church liaison if all this violence "gives him wood", I revel in the camp. The master vampire is every broody high schooler in every Hot Topic ever, and Gordo Baldwin's only real value to the plot is to domestic abuse the whole "vampire prostitute" problem until they don't have to bother with that bit of plot anymore. So, if you like campy vampire flicks, John Carpenter, and that one Baldwin brother, maybe work your way into a heady buzz and give this one a go.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Monday, October 26, 2015
The Shocking Endeavors of Brennan & Smythe
I've been having a hard time coming up with anything to write about lately, as you may have noticed. So instead of trolling news posts to pretend I'm relevant for five minutes I'd rather practice technique. With this in mind I've decided to write about the adventures of our Trails of Cthulhu group. None of the stories here will be official campaigns, so I wont spoil anything and the characters are original creations of Brian and I. Without further ado; I present the Shocking Endeavors of Brennan & Smythe.
From the Desk of Prof. Alfred Smythe, Arkham Univeristy:
I had only been to Thailand once before my good friend Patrick brought the Newberg case to my attention. Needless to say, a drunken spring holiday spent in unwholesome company did not leave me well prepared to investigate the possibility of an indigenous Cult. According to Mr. Newberg (via Patrick) a Mr. Silas Portfeld, Newberg's local liaison, had failed to make a monthly check in some four months hence. There had yet to be any word from him and, given how much of Mr. Portfeld's work apparently involved wandering the Siamese countryside, this was cause for concern.
Our client was interested in breaking into the rubber industry and had decided that exploiting the rural Siamese population was just the thing for it. Mr. Portfeld had been scouting communities and laying the groundwork for future relations. Much of this revolved around mesmerizing local rubes with meaningless jargon and convincing them to negotiate with the local authorities on his behalf. I've no love lost for such degrading interference, so I was heartened to learn that Portfeld had all but struck out. He seemed to be having some measure of success, however, with a small village on the island of Ko Surin, in the Phang Nga province. The locals seemed quite interested in establishing not just a broader dialog with Newberg's organization, but also with breaking ground for a factory. The correspondences we'd been given in regards to the case immediately made clear why we'd been contacted.
It seemed the villagers were rather preoccupied with what they called "The All-Embracing Sea", the expanse of water surrounding the island. In fact, the reports provided described a rather vibrant and bizarre religious life centered on this Sea. Portfeld had in his writings described men industriously carving great beasts of unnerving design into the living wood of trees surrounding the village. A description made all the more disturbing by the phrase "wood of a pale red color, with a thin black pitch that pooled at strange angles to the earth." I will never understand Man's willingness to overlook concerning details when there is gain to be had. For; like a sailor recently ashore, good Silas had been more concerned with bending the locals over a barrel than with what he'd end up paying.
From the Desk of Prof. Alfred Smythe, Arkham Univeristy:
I had only been to Thailand once before my good friend Patrick brought the Newberg case to my attention. Needless to say, a drunken spring holiday spent in unwholesome company did not leave me well prepared to investigate the possibility of an indigenous Cult. According to Mr. Newberg (via Patrick) a Mr. Silas Portfeld, Newberg's local liaison, had failed to make a monthly check in some four months hence. There had yet to be any word from him and, given how much of Mr. Portfeld's work apparently involved wandering the Siamese countryside, this was cause for concern.
Our client was interested in breaking into the rubber industry and had decided that exploiting the rural Siamese population was just the thing for it. Mr. Portfeld had been scouting communities and laying the groundwork for future relations. Much of this revolved around mesmerizing local rubes with meaningless jargon and convincing them to negotiate with the local authorities on his behalf. I've no love lost for such degrading interference, so I was heartened to learn that Portfeld had all but struck out. He seemed to be having some measure of success, however, with a small village on the island of Ko Surin, in the Phang Nga province. The locals seemed quite interested in establishing not just a broader dialog with Newberg's organization, but also with breaking ground for a factory. The correspondences we'd been given in regards to the case immediately made clear why we'd been contacted.
It seemed the villagers were rather preoccupied with what they called "The All-Embracing Sea", the expanse of water surrounding the island. In fact, the reports provided described a rather vibrant and bizarre religious life centered on this Sea. Portfeld had in his writings described men industriously carving great beasts of unnerving design into the living wood of trees surrounding the village. A description made all the more disturbing by the phrase "wood of a pale red color, with a thin black pitch that pooled at strange angles to the earth." I will never understand Man's willingness to overlook concerning details when there is gain to be had. For; like a sailor recently ashore, good Silas had been more concerned with bending the locals over a barrel than with what he'd end up paying.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we continue our month of horror with werewolf movies! Werewolf movies are a nifty combination of gore and musings on the nature of humanity. What fun: To the list!
1: An American Werewolf in London
This movie is a dark comedy that is an interesting take on the classic Wolfman tale (the movie makes a few references to the original). The movie starts with a couple of tourists exploring the north of England when they get attacked by a werewolf. One of the men dies and the other survives with a few wounds from the beast. While recovering David, the guy who survived, starts to see his dead friend, who warns him that he is a werewolf who will kill a lot of people. All of the werewolf's victims are stuck in limbo and haunt the werewolf, encouraging them to kill themselves. The haunting combined with the feeling of uncertainty that comes from bizarre situations creates a good tension for the main character and audience. The idea that the main character might just be crazy is something shared by the doctor and nurse looking after David as well as the audience. The practical effects are good and the acting is 70's good. This is definitely a watch. Also, the last act starts in a porno theater with one of the funniest fake pornos ever. I never thought I would use the phrase "avant garde" to describe a porn, but I have been proven wrong.
Eshi: An American Werewolf in London is the sort of movie that warrants a two drink minimum. Not that its bad, its not, its just the kind of flat, soft-focus cinematography that mustachioed 70's directors designed to highlight a mid-afternoon buzz. My favorite character in this entire film is the dead friend. He's the driving force behind a lot of the actual humor in the movie and I can't help but be delighted by his casual insistence that David just cash in and go home. The obligatory enigmatically unhelpful country folk are always fun, and their interaction with the snooty London doctor is grand. Not a bad film to justify a popcorn binge.
2: Late Phases
This movie is the story of an old man being forced to live in a retirement community by his son. During his first night in his new place his next door neighbor and his dog are killed by werewolf. He realizes immediately that it is not a crazed animal picking off old people, and spends the next 30 days brooding, preparing to kill a werewolf, and trying to figure out who the werewolf is. This movie is interesting, it focuses a lot on how old/disabled people are looked down upon, but also goes out of is way to make a bunch of characters unlikable so you don't feel bad when they die. I mentioned brooding earlier, and while I was joking I wasn't being disingenuous. A lot of this movie is spend with the main character being grumpy and giving people reasons to not trust or like him. He is the stereotypical angry old war vet, who refuses help and alienates everyone around them, including family. Part of the movie is spent on his redemption from that, but he is still kind of a dick. Its entertaining, but a far from perfect movie. The acting is passable, and while its the very definition of slow burn the payoff is fun and cathartic, though I think the ending is kind of mediocre.
Eshi: I don't have good feelings about old people in general. Its not a hard prejudice, I've just spent a fair amount of time dealing with old people and they tend to be unpleasant for reasons cultural, personal and biological. So watching a movie about the exact type of really old people I dislike getting werewolf-oriented comeuppance is every fantasy I ever had at a nursing home picnic. That said in the first 15 minutes they kill off one of two characters I actually like and a dog. We've discussed killing dogs on film. The other likable character is the preacher, which feels like a weird thing to say. All in all Late Phases is fun, watch it with your Gandpa.
3: Wolfcop
This movie was so much better in my head. I wanted the movie to be far more campy then it was. I feel bad that my expectations probably stained it for me. The movie is about an alcoholic cop who gets turned into a werewolf via a cult of changelings who will use his blood for a ritual to maintain their power. There are a few laughs and some excellent effects, specifically when a guy gets his face ripped off and runs around screaming. I get the feeling watching this movie that it takes itself too seriously, though that is mostly from the tone. I do like that the cop becomes a werewolf and digs it instead of treating it like a curse. Its an ok movie, but I get the feeling that booze would have made it better.
Eshi: It probably doesn't say anything good about the genre how much its improved by intoxicants. Wolfcop is about lizard people ruling a redneck town through ritual sacrifice and a poorly crafted cocktail of guns, drugs and presumably fucking. The practical effects are pretty sold, including the werewolf transformation which is rare. I do feel obliged to inform you guys that there is like a 3 minute yiff scene that doesn't contribute to a great day. It has tits, gore and out-of-date cgi, what else could you want in a modern B movie.
1: An American Werewolf in London
This movie is a dark comedy that is an interesting take on the classic Wolfman tale (the movie makes a few references to the original). The movie starts with a couple of tourists exploring the north of England when they get attacked by a werewolf. One of the men dies and the other survives with a few wounds from the beast. While recovering David, the guy who survived, starts to see his dead friend, who warns him that he is a werewolf who will kill a lot of people. All of the werewolf's victims are stuck in limbo and haunt the werewolf, encouraging them to kill themselves. The haunting combined with the feeling of uncertainty that comes from bizarre situations creates a good tension for the main character and audience. The idea that the main character might just be crazy is something shared by the doctor and nurse looking after David as well as the audience. The practical effects are good and the acting is 70's good. This is definitely a watch. Also, the last act starts in a porno theater with one of the funniest fake pornos ever. I never thought I would use the phrase "avant garde" to describe a porn, but I have been proven wrong.
Eshi: An American Werewolf in London is the sort of movie that warrants a two drink minimum. Not that its bad, its not, its just the kind of flat, soft-focus cinematography that mustachioed 70's directors designed to highlight a mid-afternoon buzz. My favorite character in this entire film is the dead friend. He's the driving force behind a lot of the actual humor in the movie and I can't help but be delighted by his casual insistence that David just cash in and go home. The obligatory enigmatically unhelpful country folk are always fun, and their interaction with the snooty London doctor is grand. Not a bad film to justify a popcorn binge.
2: Late Phases
This movie is the story of an old man being forced to live in a retirement community by his son. During his first night in his new place his next door neighbor and his dog are killed by werewolf. He realizes immediately that it is not a crazed animal picking off old people, and spends the next 30 days brooding, preparing to kill a werewolf, and trying to figure out who the werewolf is. This movie is interesting, it focuses a lot on how old/disabled people are looked down upon, but also goes out of is way to make a bunch of characters unlikable so you don't feel bad when they die. I mentioned brooding earlier, and while I was joking I wasn't being disingenuous. A lot of this movie is spend with the main character being grumpy and giving people reasons to not trust or like him. He is the stereotypical angry old war vet, who refuses help and alienates everyone around them, including family. Part of the movie is spent on his redemption from that, but he is still kind of a dick. Its entertaining, but a far from perfect movie. The acting is passable, and while its the very definition of slow burn the payoff is fun and cathartic, though I think the ending is kind of mediocre.
Eshi: I don't have good feelings about old people in general. Its not a hard prejudice, I've just spent a fair amount of time dealing with old people and they tend to be unpleasant for reasons cultural, personal and biological. So watching a movie about the exact type of really old people I dislike getting werewolf-oriented comeuppance is every fantasy I ever had at a nursing home picnic. That said in the first 15 minutes they kill off one of two characters I actually like and a dog. We've discussed killing dogs on film. The other likable character is the preacher, which feels like a weird thing to say. All in all Late Phases is fun, watch it with your Gandpa.
3: Wolfcop
This movie was so much better in my head. I wanted the movie to be far more campy then it was. I feel bad that my expectations probably stained it for me. The movie is about an alcoholic cop who gets turned into a werewolf via a cult of changelings who will use his blood for a ritual to maintain their power. There are a few laughs and some excellent effects, specifically when a guy gets his face ripped off and runs around screaming. I get the feeling watching this movie that it takes itself too seriously, though that is mostly from the tone. I do like that the cop becomes a werewolf and digs it instead of treating it like a curse. Its an ok movie, but I get the feeling that booze would have made it better.
Eshi: It probably doesn't say anything good about the genre how much its improved by intoxicants. Wolfcop is about lizard people ruling a redneck town through ritual sacrifice and a poorly crafted cocktail of guns, drugs and presumably fucking. The practical effects are pretty sold, including the werewolf transformation which is rare. I do feel obliged to inform you guys that there is like a 3 minute yiff scene that doesn't contribute to a great day. It has tits, gore and out-of-date cgi, what else could you want in a modern B movie.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Fuck That Guy
So, its been pointed out to me that since two of my Rules are dedicated to the idea of That Guy (and the rest can at least also apply to That Guy situations) I should probably make an attempt to clarify the term. In the original post I linked to Shane from the Walking Dead, I did this because Shane exhibits every single That Guy behavior right up until he gets his proper That Guy comeuppance. Not every TG is going to be as bad as Shane and hell, a good many of them will be significantly less fictional, so its important to note the signs. Unfortunately, the nastiest indicator of this tragic condition isn't apparent until its too late, That Guy is prone to casual betrayal.
The betrayal will always be something more major than you would have thought them capable of, it will always be a surprise (at least to you) and it will always be something you could have seen coming if you were paying attention. Meaningful looks when they think you aren't looking, occasional spikes in passive aggressive behavior in regard to a specific thing, that sort of thing. When the hurt does finally come it will be accompanied by either an attempt to shift blame or play the "you would have done the same" card. Eddie Norton in The Italian Job is a great example of the latter. I know I use a lot of cinematic references, but the real people send me into a rage spiral so fiction it is. After whatever bullshit justification That Guy attempts there will usually be some conciliatory effort or apology as That Guy seeks to avoid the alienation that would deprive them of their resources, i.e. you. This is usually the point at which to abscond with whatever you have left or kill the fucker (in an appropriately dire apocalyptic scenario).
If you'd like to spot TG before they fuck up your shit, there is an earlier indicator; negotiation. Specifically, TG doesn't. Everything is either a straight up acquiescence or petulant insistence on their own way. I'm not talking about your friend who doesn't care where you go out to dinner, just as long as it isn't any one of a dozen places they don't like. I'm talking about your "friend" who decides you are all going out to that Ethiopian place and then gets pissy when someone asks about going somewhere else.
There's more to it than this, because of course there is; people are complex, but these are the big ones. Now, I don't want it to seem like I'm speaking from atop an ivory tower or anything here. I don't come by my loathing of this sort of person artificially, I am one. I know how fucking terrible That Guy is because I spent most of my life fucking over the people around me for fun and profit, until I started getting fucked over by the people around me. It took a while, but eventually I worked out what the shape of the problem was and took my own advice. I cut ties with that part of myself. As much as possible anyway. I'm proof that That Guy can change his ways, I hope, but don't ever doubt for a moment that the first step to changing is admitting to yourself how wrong you are, and That Guy is allergic to change and terrified of being wrong.
The betrayal will always be something more major than you would have thought them capable of, it will always be a surprise (at least to you) and it will always be something you could have seen coming if you were paying attention. Meaningful looks when they think you aren't looking, occasional spikes in passive aggressive behavior in regard to a specific thing, that sort of thing. When the hurt does finally come it will be accompanied by either an attempt to shift blame or play the "you would have done the same" card. Eddie Norton in The Italian Job is a great example of the latter. I know I use a lot of cinematic references, but the real people send me into a rage spiral so fiction it is. After whatever bullshit justification That Guy attempts there will usually be some conciliatory effort or apology as That Guy seeks to avoid the alienation that would deprive them of their resources, i.e. you. This is usually the point at which to abscond with whatever you have left or kill the fucker (in an appropriately dire apocalyptic scenario).
If you'd like to spot TG before they fuck up your shit, there is an earlier indicator; negotiation. Specifically, TG doesn't. Everything is either a straight up acquiescence or petulant insistence on their own way. I'm not talking about your friend who doesn't care where you go out to dinner, just as long as it isn't any one of a dozen places they don't like. I'm talking about your "friend" who decides you are all going out to that Ethiopian place and then gets pissy when someone asks about going somewhere else.
There's more to it than this, because of course there is; people are complex, but these are the big ones. Now, I don't want it to seem like I'm speaking from atop an ivory tower or anything here. I don't come by my loathing of this sort of person artificially, I am one. I know how fucking terrible That Guy is because I spent most of my life fucking over the people around me for fun and profit, until I started getting fucked over by the people around me. It took a while, but eventually I worked out what the shape of the problem was and took my own advice. I cut ties with that part of myself. As much as possible anyway. I'm proof that That Guy can change his ways, I hope, but don't ever doubt for a moment that the first step to changing is admitting to yourself how wrong you are, and That Guy is allergic to change and terrified of being wrong.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we continue with our month long horror theme with another franchise: Alien. So, xenomorphs abound! The Alien franchise is well know for being great at monster based horror. It is also known for being hit and miss after the first couple movies. Anyways~ To the list!
1: Alien
This is my favorite of the franchise. Ridley Scott knows how to scare the shit out of people. This movie is tense and atmospheric and even if you know whats going to happen still makes you jump. This is a movie about a corporate spaceship being asked to investigate a strange beacon while on its way back to earth after a mission. While investigating a ship, which may be alien in nature, shit goes wrong when a creature latches onto a guy's face. This leads to a xenomorph trying to eat the crew, and the crew trying to kill it in order to get home safely. An interesting note about this movie: Ripley is only a girl because Ridley Scott thought that people would expect a male character to be the only survivor. So yes, the Talented Ms. Ripley kicks all the ass because people were probably going to be sexist about it. I think its a nice way to buck trends in horror movies, take what people expect and turn it around. I only wish you didn't have to have all of the stereotypes in the first place to make fucking with them so effective. Regardless, the effects are well done and the acting is good. Sigourney Weaver is great as a hero with a (mostly) cool head. This movie is definitely worth watching if you like tense horror that comes from an insurmountable enemy. That being said if you like less psychological horror and more pulpy, action-adventure horror then you should watch the sequel.
Eshi: Attentive readers may have noticed that we have a deep love of practical effects, Alien is why. This film is stunning, as one would expect from something designed by the sorely missed H.R. Giger. I mean sure, pretty much everything the camera sees in Alien is wet, slimy genitals, but they're really visually interesting genitals. The entire set design is subtly off-putting, even the bits that aren't giant industrial fuck-parts, and the characters are all just competent enough to seem like they have an idea of what they're doing, while just stupid enough to make their stupid horror movie decisions forgivable. There's a reason Alien is a classic, watch it.
2: Aliens
I like Aliens despite the fact that I hate James Cameron. I get that he has made lots of hits and all, but none of his movies are memorable for me. He shoots expensive movies with cutting edge technology, which is good for spectacle, but are mostly shallow and leave something to be desired. In the case of Aliens, the dialog is kinda shitty for the bulk of the movie. Every time the machismo driven marines talk I rooted for the alien to eviscerate them. This movie is a direct sequel to the first movie, where Ripley is found and asked about what happened to the Nostromo. Shit goes down when they find out that a colony on the planet where the aliens were first found goes dark and a group of marines needs to go and find out what happened. Sigourney Weaver is still good as Ripley, and I have to say, I love Bill Paxton's freak out moments because he is the only one that reacts in the way you should when terrors from beyond the stars decide to make you into a lunch/baby machine. Lance Henriksen as Bishop was a good choice I think. He is good at expressing emotion and charisma via voice while still keeping a straight face. The action is good looking which is something that James Cameron is good at, and he manages to keep up a good flow and good tension during these scenes as well. Its a good movie if you like a little horror in your action.
Eshi: It was brought up whilst watching this that Xenomorphs are like ninja, one at a time is a fucking terrifying, inexorable rape/murder machine, but a bunch coming at you at once is just a big, floor-melty inconvenience for the most part. Aliens is mostly that second bit, made more critical by good old-fashioned "man is the real monster" bullshit. I kinda hate Paul Reiser as a casting choice, he's got that kinda smug, shit-eating look that just screams GEOD (it occurs to me I don't think I've ever used that acronym on here, Go Evil Or Die.) Fuck yeah Lance Henriksen, he's got that slightly haggard look about him that counterpoints his gentleness and charisma in this role quite well. I too goddamn loathe James Cameron, but even a broken clock manages to look like it has a fucking clue twice a day.
3: Prometheus
This movie is very beautiful, though a lot of people had issues with it as a whole and I can kind of see why. I don't think this is a bad movie but there's a lot missing from it. A few lines here and there to give some explanation of what is going on in a couple of places would have been helpful. It'sis not incomprehensible or anything, but it would have benefited from some more exposition instead of just assuming we would know why a group of people would launch themselves into deep space for reasons unknown. Prometheus is a prequel to the movie Alien where a bunch of archaeologists find clues to an alien species that might have seeded earth with life and where they might be. A group of scientists go to investigate this map and investigate a possible alien spaceship with predictable results. Despite a lacking plot, there is some good stuff in this movie. Michael Fassbender as the android David is amazing. His portrayal is stoic but full of character (much like Henriksen from Aliens). Everything from his walk to his way of staring at people while talking to them lets you know that he is not human, even though he looks like one. The music in the movie is good as well, and fits with the general theme of exploration. The thing is, this movie lacks heart in a lot of ways and its script is a mess. The main characters are fucking stupid, and have no idea how to interact with a new environment despite having knowledge of what happens when two previously separated groups of people meet without any form of sterilization. Seriously, at one point a scientist takes off his helmet because he wants to breath in the air inside a space ship. Surely nothing bad can happen from that right? Apparently, a version of the script that was far more coherent exists, but got fucked up because they decided to bring in one of the writers behind Lost. Hopefully, the sequels will not get fucked up. I still have faith that the franchise can produce good space horror.
Eshi: If I have three wishes that I could only use in regard to Prometheus, My first wish would be that Damon Lindelof had been arrested for too much goat fucking about two weeks before whatever fucking genius gave him access to the script had done so. Second would be that they had gone with the original script, because even without Lindelof and his goatfuckery, they could have still done something stupid, like incorporating a giant spider or something. The last one would just be a high five from Michael Fassbender, because those are my only real complaints about the film and Michael Fassbender is pretty fucking bad ass and I'm always excited about a bad ass high five. The main character is kind of unlikable, so I have a hard time not enjoying how much she gets shit-kicked. It really isn't that bad, it just could have been so much better.
1: Alien
This is my favorite of the franchise. Ridley Scott knows how to scare the shit out of people. This movie is tense and atmospheric and even if you know whats going to happen still makes you jump. This is a movie about a corporate spaceship being asked to investigate a strange beacon while on its way back to earth after a mission. While investigating a ship, which may be alien in nature, shit goes wrong when a creature latches onto a guy's face. This leads to a xenomorph trying to eat the crew, and the crew trying to kill it in order to get home safely. An interesting note about this movie: Ripley is only a girl because Ridley Scott thought that people would expect a male character to be the only survivor. So yes, the Talented Ms. Ripley kicks all the ass because people were probably going to be sexist about it. I think its a nice way to buck trends in horror movies, take what people expect and turn it around. I only wish you didn't have to have all of the stereotypes in the first place to make fucking with them so effective. Regardless, the effects are well done and the acting is good. Sigourney Weaver is great as a hero with a (mostly) cool head. This movie is definitely worth watching if you like tense horror that comes from an insurmountable enemy. That being said if you like less psychological horror and more pulpy, action-adventure horror then you should watch the sequel.
Eshi: Attentive readers may have noticed that we have a deep love of practical effects, Alien is why. This film is stunning, as one would expect from something designed by the sorely missed H.R. Giger. I mean sure, pretty much everything the camera sees in Alien is wet, slimy genitals, but they're really visually interesting genitals. The entire set design is subtly off-putting, even the bits that aren't giant industrial fuck-parts, and the characters are all just competent enough to seem like they have an idea of what they're doing, while just stupid enough to make their stupid horror movie decisions forgivable. There's a reason Alien is a classic, watch it.
2: Aliens
I like Aliens despite the fact that I hate James Cameron. I get that he has made lots of hits and all, but none of his movies are memorable for me. He shoots expensive movies with cutting edge technology, which is good for spectacle, but are mostly shallow and leave something to be desired. In the case of Aliens, the dialog is kinda shitty for the bulk of the movie. Every time the machismo driven marines talk I rooted for the alien to eviscerate them. This movie is a direct sequel to the first movie, where Ripley is found and asked about what happened to the Nostromo. Shit goes down when they find out that a colony on the planet where the aliens were first found goes dark and a group of marines needs to go and find out what happened. Sigourney Weaver is still good as Ripley, and I have to say, I love Bill Paxton's freak out moments because he is the only one that reacts in the way you should when terrors from beyond the stars decide to make you into a lunch/baby machine. Lance Henriksen as Bishop was a good choice I think. He is good at expressing emotion and charisma via voice while still keeping a straight face. The action is good looking which is something that James Cameron is good at, and he manages to keep up a good flow and good tension during these scenes as well. Its a good movie if you like a little horror in your action.
Eshi: It was brought up whilst watching this that Xenomorphs are like ninja, one at a time is a fucking terrifying, inexorable rape/murder machine, but a bunch coming at you at once is just a big, floor-melty inconvenience for the most part. Aliens is mostly that second bit, made more critical by good old-fashioned "man is the real monster" bullshit. I kinda hate Paul Reiser as a casting choice, he's got that kinda smug, shit-eating look that just screams GEOD (it occurs to me I don't think I've ever used that acronym on here, Go Evil Or Die.) Fuck yeah Lance Henriksen, he's got that slightly haggard look about him that counterpoints his gentleness and charisma in this role quite well. I too goddamn loathe James Cameron, but even a broken clock manages to look like it has a fucking clue twice a day.
3: Prometheus
This movie is very beautiful, though a lot of people had issues with it as a whole and I can kind of see why. I don't think this is a bad movie but there's a lot missing from it. A few lines here and there to give some explanation of what is going on in a couple of places would have been helpful. It'sis not incomprehensible or anything, but it would have benefited from some more exposition instead of just assuming we would know why a group of people would launch themselves into deep space for reasons unknown. Prometheus is a prequel to the movie Alien where a bunch of archaeologists find clues to an alien species that might have seeded earth with life and where they might be. A group of scientists go to investigate this map and investigate a possible alien spaceship with predictable results. Despite a lacking plot, there is some good stuff in this movie. Michael Fassbender as the android David is amazing. His portrayal is stoic but full of character (much like Henriksen from Aliens). Everything from his walk to his way of staring at people while talking to them lets you know that he is not human, even though he looks like one. The music in the movie is good as well, and fits with the general theme of exploration. The thing is, this movie lacks heart in a lot of ways and its script is a mess. The main characters are fucking stupid, and have no idea how to interact with a new environment despite having knowledge of what happens when two previously separated groups of people meet without any form of sterilization. Seriously, at one point a scientist takes off his helmet because he wants to breath in the air inside a space ship. Surely nothing bad can happen from that right? Apparently, a version of the script that was far more coherent exists, but got fucked up because they decided to bring in one of the writers behind Lost. Hopefully, the sequels will not get fucked up. I still have faith that the franchise can produce good space horror.
Eshi: If I have three wishes that I could only use in regard to Prometheus, My first wish would be that Damon Lindelof had been arrested for too much goat fucking about two weeks before whatever fucking genius gave him access to the script had done so. Second would be that they had gone with the original script, because even without Lindelof and his goatfuckery, they could have still done something stupid, like incorporating a giant spider or something. The last one would just be a high five from Michael Fassbender, because those are my only real complaints about the film and Michael Fassbender is pretty fucking bad ass and I'm always excited about a bad ass high five. The main character is kind of unlikable, so I have a hard time not enjoying how much she gets shit-kicked. It really isn't that bad, it just could have been so much better.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. Since its October we have decided to dedicate the month to horror movies. We start our month this week with Romero zombie movies. George A. Romero was the first person to put Zombies to film, and he is the best in my opinion. He is a champion of practical effects as well. All of the movies we watched had spectacular effects which makes it far more viscerally disturbing when a horde of zombies rip a dude apart while he yells "choke on it!" then when you can tell a guy is just CGI'd into a scene. Anyway, to the list!
1: Night of the Living Dead
This is the first zombie movie ever made. Almost all of the zombie tropes you are used to seeing came from this movie. Romero's zombies aren't as brainless as one would see in a lot of other zombie movies. In all of the Romero directed movies his zombies use tools to try to get into tasty human hiding spots, which actually comes up in our last movie of this week. This movie focuses on a small group of survivors hiding in a farm house after a zombies begin to roam the land. The effects in this movie are pretty minimal, though well done. Bosco Chocolate syrup was used for the blood, and it works well. This is a low budget movie shot in black and white so ham being used for fake flesh and syrup being used for blood looks real enough to be disturbing. All of the characters are good, even the shitty people. They all represent how people would respond to this type of situation. Barbra has a complete breakdown after seeing her brother killed, Ben stays clam and tries to do what he can to stay alive. Mr. Cooper is an asshole who feels like he needs to be in control to remain safe, and assumes that all of the other characters are going to get him killed if they get a say. I love the camera work in this movie, shots are often done at strange angles to emphasize how fucked up a situation is (either because of zombie hordes or people acting selfishly) and it adds to the overall tension of the film. This movie is good, and should be watched by any fan of the zombie genre.
Eshi: Zombies are a weird thing for me. On one hand a well done zombie movie, like these ones, is a fucking joy. On the other hand we need to fucking stop it. Not everything needs to have zombies attached. That said, fuck yeah Night of the Living Dead. The birth pang of the Zombie Horror genre is the perfect mix of campy, disturbing and balls out. Its not the best movie, but it is one of the most complete descriptors of the genre.
2: Dawn of the Dead
I want to get this out of the way: the 1978 version of this movie (my favorite of all of Romero's films) was not available for us to watch so we watched the remake. That being said for a remake it does some good stuff. A much more action oriented film, its about a group of survivors holed up in a shopping mall. The actors are decent (Ving Rhames is the fucking man) and there are a couple surprisingly funny moments. The action is tense and well shot. DotD focuses less on the zombies and more on how people go about dealing with the end of the world in a stable-ish environment. All of the bad shit that happens stems from a breakdown in a system because of the character flaws of certain individuals. As with so many apocalypse stories cowardice and control issues are a bigger threat then shambling corpses. Shows like the Walking Dead try to focus on this stuff as well but because it is a series they need to stretch all of the drama out for entire seasons which just makes the show tiring. In this, all of the drama is solved relatively quickly (usually by bad-ass, zombie related deaths) and then people move on. Its a good movie, I still prefer the original but as I said, its my favorite.
Eshi: I think this is the best all-around movie this week. Good action, strong characters (if a little fucking cliche), and some really cathartic violence. Having heard Brian talk about it I'm kinda pissed that we couldn't find the '78 version. I mean, not much, this one was really good, but still. Andy kicks all the ass and Ving Rhames is, indeed, the fucking man. Watch this one and let us know if you find some where to watch the original.
3: Day of the Dead
I found out after watching this movie that there was also a remake of it, but I have not seen it. This is the 1985 version. This movie, like Dawn, deals with people dealing with the end of the world, but has a larger focus on examining the zombie itself. The group this time isn't a bunch of random people in a mall, but a bunch of scientists and military types in a bunker trying to find a cure. One scientist in particular is studying the behavior of the zombies, and through this finds out that they have some ability to remember things from life, especially narratively relevant things. The military personnel, angry with how slow progress is and how many lives the research has cost, decide to bully the civilians. Of course shit goes tits up when they start this, and then begins the breakdown of the system. All of these movies deal with this kind of entropic breakdown of systems. In this movie (and a lot of zombie movies in general) humans are fucked up because they make the choice to be evil, while zombies aren't really evil because they act on instinct (which is changeable with training). The acting was ok, overacting was a big problem, but this movie also represents some of the best practical special effects I have seen in a long time. Its a good movie, watch it.
Eshi: Oh my fucking god, practical effects in the 80's. Day of the Dead revels in all the horrible 80's movie tropes and does so spectacularly. Half the fucking cast is just straight up crazy, as is 80's thriller tradition, and the casual racism grants just the kind of highly nuanced social commentary you'd expect. And I'll just say again, fuck yeah practical effects in the 80's.
1: Night of the Living Dead
This is the first zombie movie ever made. Almost all of the zombie tropes you are used to seeing came from this movie. Romero's zombies aren't as brainless as one would see in a lot of other zombie movies. In all of the Romero directed movies his zombies use tools to try to get into tasty human hiding spots, which actually comes up in our last movie of this week. This movie focuses on a small group of survivors hiding in a farm house after a zombies begin to roam the land. The effects in this movie are pretty minimal, though well done. Bosco Chocolate syrup was used for the blood, and it works well. This is a low budget movie shot in black and white so ham being used for fake flesh and syrup being used for blood looks real enough to be disturbing. All of the characters are good, even the shitty people. They all represent how people would respond to this type of situation. Barbra has a complete breakdown after seeing her brother killed, Ben stays clam and tries to do what he can to stay alive. Mr. Cooper is an asshole who feels like he needs to be in control to remain safe, and assumes that all of the other characters are going to get him killed if they get a say. I love the camera work in this movie, shots are often done at strange angles to emphasize how fucked up a situation is (either because of zombie hordes or people acting selfishly) and it adds to the overall tension of the film. This movie is good, and should be watched by any fan of the zombie genre.
Eshi: Zombies are a weird thing for me. On one hand a well done zombie movie, like these ones, is a fucking joy. On the other hand we need to fucking stop it. Not everything needs to have zombies attached. That said, fuck yeah Night of the Living Dead. The birth pang of the Zombie Horror genre is the perfect mix of campy, disturbing and balls out. Its not the best movie, but it is one of the most complete descriptors of the genre.
2: Dawn of the Dead
I want to get this out of the way: the 1978 version of this movie (my favorite of all of Romero's films) was not available for us to watch so we watched the remake. That being said for a remake it does some good stuff. A much more action oriented film, its about a group of survivors holed up in a shopping mall. The actors are decent (Ving Rhames is the fucking man) and there are a couple surprisingly funny moments. The action is tense and well shot. DotD focuses less on the zombies and more on how people go about dealing with the end of the world in a stable-ish environment. All of the bad shit that happens stems from a breakdown in a system because of the character flaws of certain individuals. As with so many apocalypse stories cowardice and control issues are a bigger threat then shambling corpses. Shows like the Walking Dead try to focus on this stuff as well but because it is a series they need to stretch all of the drama out for entire seasons which just makes the show tiring. In this, all of the drama is solved relatively quickly (usually by bad-ass, zombie related deaths) and then people move on. Its a good movie, I still prefer the original but as I said, its my favorite.
Eshi: I think this is the best all-around movie this week. Good action, strong characters (if a little fucking cliche), and some really cathartic violence. Having heard Brian talk about it I'm kinda pissed that we couldn't find the '78 version. I mean, not much, this one was really good, but still. Andy kicks all the ass and Ving Rhames is, indeed, the fucking man. Watch this one and let us know if you find some where to watch the original.
3: Day of the Dead
I found out after watching this movie that there was also a remake of it, but I have not seen it. This is the 1985 version. This movie, like Dawn, deals with people dealing with the end of the world, but has a larger focus on examining the zombie itself. The group this time isn't a bunch of random people in a mall, but a bunch of scientists and military types in a bunker trying to find a cure. One scientist in particular is studying the behavior of the zombies, and through this finds out that they have some ability to remember things from life, especially narratively relevant things. The military personnel, angry with how slow progress is and how many lives the research has cost, decide to bully the civilians. Of course shit goes tits up when they start this, and then begins the breakdown of the system. All of these movies deal with this kind of entropic breakdown of systems. In this movie (and a lot of zombie movies in general) humans are fucked up because they make the choice to be evil, while zombies aren't really evil because they act on instinct (which is changeable with training). The acting was ok, overacting was a big problem, but this movie also represents some of the best practical special effects I have seen in a long time. Its a good movie, watch it.
Eshi: Oh my fucking god, practical effects in the 80's. Day of the Dead revels in all the horrible 80's movie tropes and does so spectacularly. Half the fucking cast is just straight up crazy, as is 80's thriller tradition, and the casual racism grants just the kind of highly nuanced social commentary you'd expect. And I'll just say again, fuck yeah practical effects in the 80's.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we return to an old favorite, heist movies. Heist movies are great because they are tense and action packed while also often having a mystery to solve, such as who is going to betray whom and/or how will the heisters avoid the cops. They are fun movies that scratch a lot of itches. So anyway, without further ado: To the list!
1:The Bank Job
This heist movie is supposedly based on a true story that was prevented from going to press by British authorities. I say supposedly not because I don't believe them (the robbery in the movie actually happened) but because the movie is surrounded in fiction (the main characters are all made up by the producers). Regardless of the verisimilitude of the base story, that's not why we are here. The plot is based around a group of thieves who are hired by a friend who is being blackmailed by a British intelligence agent into robbing a bank to get a set of compromising photos a pimp/drug smuggler is using to stay out of jail. Its a little convoluted, but that's what makes heist movies fun most of the time, trying to suss out what allegiances people have. The acting is fine, and the movie is a lot funnier than I thought it would be, though it gets very dark in the later half. Jason Statham is good, but you can always count on him to be competent in an action flick and Saffron Burrows was good as the leading lady. James Faulkner surprised me in this movie. He plays a face type character who reminds me of a British John Waters, it was very well done. I enjoyed the movie for the most part, give it a shot.
Eshi: I have kind of a weird relationship with British gangster flicks. On one hand I've enjoyed every one that I've seen, but they also tend to run together in my head, the cast and, tone and rough layout are all pretty much the same in some pretty key regards. So a movie where Jason Statham is a witty bad ass with a good heart who steals something doesn't tend to make much of an impression. The Bank Job manages to avoid that fate for the most part. The heist itself is clever and tense and the aftermath is super cathartic. Also, its pretty easy to find free, so fuck it why not.
2:The Art Of The Steal
This movie surprised me a lot. The cast has some great chemistry and the plot is good, though we can't talk to much about it without spoiling it, which is the main problem when it comes to talking about heist movies. Basically a former wheel-man turned evil Knievil-style stunt motorcyclist decides to do one last job (because it is always one last job). I was definitely not expecting to find this movie so funny. I was expecting it to be kind of bad, so maybe that's why I was so surprised.Watch this movie, but keep in mind that it is not supposed to be a serious flick and you will have fun with the ridiculousness of some of it. There is more to talk about, but I can't without giving away some twists so lets move on.
Eshi: There isn't much to be said about this movie, as Brian has pointed out. I will say that there aren't enough movies about art thieves and this fills that gap super well. Jay Baruchel always plays essentially Jay Baruchel and I can never seem to find fault with that. Squirrely little fucker. Also, Kurt Russel looks kinda like a wax figure of himself these days. Or maybe some kind of flesh toned ham. I mean, he's always looked like he's made of unfortunate sausage, (nothing against him I love his movies and I also look like sad meat goods) but that was always part of his charm. Now I just feel like I should be concerned about his thyroid. I feel bad, because I'm really not trying to be mean, Kurt Russel is great and he doesn't need shit from me. But now I'm having too much fun with it to get rid of and all of my attempts to backpedal just make it worse. So instead of apologizing I'll just link his IMDB page and encourage you to watch the lot.
3:Three Kings
I had never seen this movie before this week, so some of the subject matter was dated (though not nearly enough of it). This movie is a heist movie about thieves with a conscience. Basically a group of soldiers decide to steal some stolen gold from the Iraqi government, who stole it from Kuwait. During the heist they spot a human tragedy unfolding in front of their eyes and instead of just running with the money they intervene. Its a good movie because it focuses on an aspect of war that often gets forgotten, people are people. Our enemies are still people and should be approached as such. All of the major conflicts in the movie come from "othering". The cast is good, George Clooney is charismatic as fuck, no surprise there, and for some reason Marky Mark has endeared himself to me. Also I haven't seen enough of Ice Cube's work, but he was good in this role so I want to check him out in other stuff. While the movie is a little heavy handed at times, the message needs to land so its forgivable. Watch it.
Eshi: Fucking Marky Mark man, somebody get that fucker a funky bunch again and lets get to it. For a heist/human interest/rescue movie Three Kings manages to stay relatively coherent and has some poignant themes. The action is a little over stylized at points but it sends its message. I'm also always kinda pleased when Jaime Kennedy's piercing annoyance is tempered by a role that can use it. Certainly worth the runtime.
1:The Bank Job
This heist movie is supposedly based on a true story that was prevented from going to press by British authorities. I say supposedly not because I don't believe them (the robbery in the movie actually happened) but because the movie is surrounded in fiction (the main characters are all made up by the producers). Regardless of the verisimilitude of the base story, that's not why we are here. The plot is based around a group of thieves who are hired by a friend who is being blackmailed by a British intelligence agent into robbing a bank to get a set of compromising photos a pimp/drug smuggler is using to stay out of jail. Its a little convoluted, but that's what makes heist movies fun most of the time, trying to suss out what allegiances people have. The acting is fine, and the movie is a lot funnier than I thought it would be, though it gets very dark in the later half. Jason Statham is good, but you can always count on him to be competent in an action flick and Saffron Burrows was good as the leading lady. James Faulkner surprised me in this movie. He plays a face type character who reminds me of a British John Waters, it was very well done. I enjoyed the movie for the most part, give it a shot.
Eshi: I have kind of a weird relationship with British gangster flicks. On one hand I've enjoyed every one that I've seen, but they also tend to run together in my head, the cast and, tone and rough layout are all pretty much the same in some pretty key regards. So a movie where Jason Statham is a witty bad ass with a good heart who steals something doesn't tend to make much of an impression. The Bank Job manages to avoid that fate for the most part. The heist itself is clever and tense and the aftermath is super cathartic. Also, its pretty easy to find free, so fuck it why not.
2:The Art Of The Steal
This movie surprised me a lot. The cast has some great chemistry and the plot is good, though we can't talk to much about it without spoiling it, which is the main problem when it comes to talking about heist movies. Basically a former wheel-man turned evil Knievil-style stunt motorcyclist decides to do one last job (because it is always one last job). I was definitely not expecting to find this movie so funny. I was expecting it to be kind of bad, so maybe that's why I was so surprised.Watch this movie, but keep in mind that it is not supposed to be a serious flick and you will have fun with the ridiculousness of some of it. There is more to talk about, but I can't without giving away some twists so lets move on.
Eshi: There isn't much to be said about this movie, as Brian has pointed out. I will say that there aren't enough movies about art thieves and this fills that gap super well. Jay Baruchel always plays essentially Jay Baruchel and I can never seem to find fault with that. Squirrely little fucker. Also, Kurt Russel looks kinda like a wax figure of himself these days. Or maybe some kind of flesh toned ham. I mean, he's always looked like he's made of unfortunate sausage, (nothing against him I love his movies and I also look like sad meat goods) but that was always part of his charm. Now I just feel like I should be concerned about his thyroid. I feel bad, because I'm really not trying to be mean, Kurt Russel is great and he doesn't need shit from me. But now I'm having too much fun with it to get rid of and all of my attempts to backpedal just make it worse. So instead of apologizing I'll just link his IMDB page and encourage you to watch the lot.
3:Three Kings
I had never seen this movie before this week, so some of the subject matter was dated (though not nearly enough of it). This movie is a heist movie about thieves with a conscience. Basically a group of soldiers decide to steal some stolen gold from the Iraqi government, who stole it from Kuwait. During the heist they spot a human tragedy unfolding in front of their eyes and instead of just running with the money they intervene. Its a good movie because it focuses on an aspect of war that often gets forgotten, people are people. Our enemies are still people and should be approached as such. All of the major conflicts in the movie come from "othering". The cast is good, George Clooney is charismatic as fuck, no surprise there, and for some reason Marky Mark has endeared himself to me. Also I haven't seen enough of Ice Cube's work, but he was good in this role so I want to check him out in other stuff. While the movie is a little heavy handed at times, the message needs to land so its forgivable. Watch it.
Eshi: Fucking Marky Mark man, somebody get that fucker a funky bunch again and lets get to it. For a heist/human interest/rescue movie Three Kings manages to stay relatively coherent and has some poignant themes. The action is a little over stylized at points but it sends its message. I'm also always kinda pleased when Jaime Kennedy's piercing annoyance is tempered by a role that can use it. Certainly worth the runtime.
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