I goddamn loath M. Night Shyamalan. Not like I hate J.J. Abrams and Joss Whedon, for genius abused. No, I hate Shyamalan for genius avoided. M. Night has the potential to be the greatest B movie director of all time. Its something that Brian and I talked about a little while ago that has stuck in the deepest place in my craw, because I kinda love B movies and his premises are perfect for the medium. So I've taken it upon myself to right this wrong and set the world right... re-imagining his movies as intentionally bad, instead of just depressing. Starting with The Village
The actual premise of this movie is an 18th century village is accosted by weird fucking werewolf monsters. The twist is that the monsters are really the village elders in costumes who founded the village to escape modern life and exercise their creepily elaborate history professor social experiment. In my version its an 18th century village being accosted by weird fucking werewolf monsters, but the twist is that the werewolves are actually the village elders in bad wigs, who founded the village to escape actual werewolves and exercise their creepily elaborate history professor sexual fantasies. Then at the end M. Night could get torn apart amidst a poorly choreographed werewolf/ history professor blood orgy. Actually, the whole movie could just be Shyamalan being slowly torn apart by people in tweed jackets and furry gloves and I'd pay to see it.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Monday, February 22, 2016
Mounting Mythical Monsters vol. 1: Manticores
Hokay. So I survived getting my face cored and now I'm a functional invalid for the better part of a month. That's fine and dandy but today I'd like to talk about why you should fuck a Manticore. Now, obviously there's the bragging rights that come along with sexually satisfying a murderous beast out of legend, but you've gotta look past that. Manticores aren't like the drunk chimera who volunteered for the frat party, they aren't going to get on board with your frivolous pride. You've gotta be respectful. Classy. Woo your quarry. You don't want to just sidle up and get to work, you'll get a barbed tail right to the grundle. Nobody wants that. So take your time and do it right.
As for why, lets start with the big ones. Three words: Magic. Fucking. Powers. That's right, its a little known fact that the orgasmic excretions of the adult Manticore contain several strains of STPs, or sexually transmitted powers. They change from beast to beast so you might get flight and the ability to control marsupials with your mind, or you might end up with the ability to summon tiny demons to rend the flesh from your foes. Kind of a mixed bag but magic powers are magic powers, take what you can get.
Secondly, their genitals are amazing. Soft in all the right places, firm yet supple. Interestingly laid out. You're never gonna get bored of Manticore bits. Not to mention they taste like fresh apples. Fuji on the females, macintosh on the males. Its great.
The third reason is a bit more nuanced. See, Manticores mate for life, but they have a genetic appreciation for polyamory. This means that while your new monstrous Persian fuck buddy will never leave you, should you decide you want to throw down with that hot Sphinx up the street, your Manticore is probably gonna be down. I mean they'll want to watch but trust me that just makes it better.
Finally, if you fuck a Manticore you naturally obtain a Manticore mount. Lets face it, if you're trying to ride a Manticore you want to ride a Manticore, which is good 'cause they're into it. The practicality of having an intimate relationship with your mode of transportation, especially when that transportation consists of a mythical winged lion with a big ass scorpion tail, can't be overstated. Traffic stops being a problem immediately, road rage has a way of taking care of itself suddenly, and seriously no one is going to get away with stealing your new ride.
So find yourself a Manticore and put in the work, its a tricky business but its well worth the effort. Just remember, they aren't great at oral sex. Three rows of razor sharp teeth does not make for a very friendly nibble.
As for why, lets start with the big ones. Three words: Magic. Fucking. Powers. That's right, its a little known fact that the orgasmic excretions of the adult Manticore contain several strains of STPs, or sexually transmitted powers. They change from beast to beast so you might get flight and the ability to control marsupials with your mind, or you might end up with the ability to summon tiny demons to rend the flesh from your foes. Kind of a mixed bag but magic powers are magic powers, take what you can get.
Secondly, their genitals are amazing. Soft in all the right places, firm yet supple. Interestingly laid out. You're never gonna get bored of Manticore bits. Not to mention they taste like fresh apples. Fuji on the females, macintosh on the males. Its great.
The third reason is a bit more nuanced. See, Manticores mate for life, but they have a genetic appreciation for polyamory. This means that while your new monstrous Persian fuck buddy will never leave you, should you decide you want to throw down with that hot Sphinx up the street, your Manticore is probably gonna be down. I mean they'll want to watch but trust me that just makes it better.
Finally, if you fuck a Manticore you naturally obtain a Manticore mount. Lets face it, if you're trying to ride a Manticore you want to ride a Manticore, which is good 'cause they're into it. The practicality of having an intimate relationship with your mode of transportation, especially when that transportation consists of a mythical winged lion with a big ass scorpion tail, can't be overstated. Traffic stops being a problem immediately, road rage has a way of taking care of itself suddenly, and seriously no one is going to get away with stealing your new ride.
So find yourself a Manticore and put in the work, its a tricky business but its well worth the effort. Just remember, they aren't great at oral sex. Three rows of razor sharp teeth does not make for a very friendly nibble.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Somewhere Between Love and Shoggoth
This Friday a man I don't really know, don't trust, and who only seems to be interested in the pleasure he gets from slicing on a living person is going to reach up my nose and (hopefully) cut all the sick out of my fucking head. Fortunately, I will probably be unconscious for that whole nasty endeavor, but it still brings a lot of Deep Hate out in me.
I watched doctors apathy my mother to death for most of a decade. Watched people who openly mocked her for her weight ignore the cancer that was creeping through her entire body until all the MRIs and x-rays and examinations didn't matter anymore. People whose only job was to watch for the things that ended up killing her, who would rather make a fat joke than discern between mysterious nerve pain and the pain caused by cancer ravaging bones and organs. I Hate doctors. Spending fifteen minutes in an office, listening to a bored man try to justify yet another course of the antibiotics that have to this point pretty much only served to destroy my digestive tract fills me with the kind of rage that characters in stories dedicate their lives to and ruins peoples lives in real life. The idea of spending three hours helpless while that same man digs around millimeters from my fucking brain is loathsome beyond description. The only thing that keeps me from being reduced to a Lovecraftian puddle of cosmic fury, much less actually going along with this, is my wife.
A person in pain for long enough tends to turn into a dick, especially a person known for being a grumpy fuck in the first place, and I won't put her through that. Not if I can help it. So for this week I'm going to do my best to be a man and not a Shoggoth, because she shouldn't have to pay for my anger. I honestly hope that this whole event can vent some of the poison from my heart, maybe even go some way towards convincing me that there are actually doctors out there who aren't worthless, self-righteous, shit-souled, fuckpuppets. I hope.
I watched doctors apathy my mother to death for most of a decade. Watched people who openly mocked her for her weight ignore the cancer that was creeping through her entire body until all the MRIs and x-rays and examinations didn't matter anymore. People whose only job was to watch for the things that ended up killing her, who would rather make a fat joke than discern between mysterious nerve pain and the pain caused by cancer ravaging bones and organs. I Hate doctors. Spending fifteen minutes in an office, listening to a bored man try to justify yet another course of the antibiotics that have to this point pretty much only served to destroy my digestive tract fills me with the kind of rage that characters in stories dedicate their lives to and ruins peoples lives in real life. The idea of spending three hours helpless while that same man digs around millimeters from my fucking brain is loathsome beyond description. The only thing that keeps me from being reduced to a Lovecraftian puddle of cosmic fury, much less actually going along with this, is my wife.
A person in pain for long enough tends to turn into a dick, especially a person known for being a grumpy fuck in the first place, and I won't put her through that. Not if I can help it. So for this week I'm going to do my best to be a man and not a Shoggoth, because she shouldn't have to pay for my anger. I honestly hope that this whole event can vent some of the poison from my heart, maybe even go some way towards convincing me that there are actually doctors out there who aren't worthless, self-righteous, shit-souled, fuckpuppets. I hope.
Friday, February 5, 2016
Weekly Cinemeh
Hello, and welcome back to Weekly Cinemeh. This week we decided to delve into Jackie Chan movies. We were both in the mood for some over the top kung-fu acrobatics and this week certainly delivers. Jackie Chan is well known for how awesomely choreographed his movies are, and the films this week deliver that well. My favorite part of Jackie Chan movies are the credits though, where they show just how the stunts can so easily fuck up. It was a fun week. To the list!
1: Rumble in The Bronx
Rumble is one of the classic Kung-fu movie structures. Guy comes in from out of town, gets caught up in a plot because they kick the ass of someone bad, then uses the power of head-kicking to resolve the issue. Jackie Chan is a young man in town for his uncle's marriage. While in town he beats up some people who try to rob his uncle's supermarket which leads to a gang war between Jackie Chan and a bunch of neighborhood toughs. This movie has all of the crazy jumping around the environment and using it to hurt people that you have come to expect from Chan, though I will say the lack of police presence in the movie makes no damn sense. I get that they are in bad part of town, but the bad guys do some very noisy violence that should have attracted a lot more attention than it did. Overall the movie is a fun time. The cast is suitably over the top, and Jackie Chan is understandably great. Watch it, it's a good time.
Eshi: Its weird, but one of my favorite things about this movie is how little it relies on a story. There is one, don't get me wrong, its just that no one really seems to care about it. There are some gangbangers and some big time syndicate types, the cops even come in for fifteen minutes at the end to vaguely legitimize a hovercraft chase through New York. Jackie Chan gets his ass kicked pretty bad in this one, both in character and just normally. Not that that is particularly unique in his films, but some of the hits in the credits are pretty nasty and there's a five minute scene of his character just standing in front of a wall getting torn apart by bottles of malt liquor. Be forewarned, though, it just kind of drops you when its done. No epilogue, no resolution, just "done now".
2: Little Big Soldier
LBS takes place during the Three Kingdoms era of history in China, and is essentially a road trip movie about a soldier who "captures" an enemy general and tries to bring him back to his country in order to turn him over for a reward so he can become a farmer. This movie covers a lot of bases. You still get the amazing choreographed fight scenes and comedy, but there is also a lot of heart to the movie. Ultimately it is about how war is fucked up, and hurts everyone. The cast it great, Jackie Chan and Leehom Wang in particular have some great chemistry together. Its a good movie, check it out.
Eshi: This is my favorite Jackie Chan movie. I don't feel like there's much to be said about this film except that it's required watching for fans of foreign cinema. The characters are compelling, the story is genuine and heartfelt, just... watch this fucking movie. Seriously, its a very worthy hour and a half.
3: The Legend of The Drunken Master
This is probably my favorite Jackie Chan movie of the ones I've watched. Its funny and has some of the most amazing fight scenes I have ever seen. While on a train with his father and father's housekeeper to his home city, Fei-Hung (Chan) gets caught up in a smuggling ring and finds out about a British ambassador trying to steal a bunch of artifacts from China to sell to the British national museum. It is up to Fei-Hung and his friends to keep them from leaving the country. As I said before, the fight scenes in this movie are great, the last one in particular is wonderful. It has a great sense of humor, especially the drunken fighting style allows for a great deal of silliness. Anita Miu, who plays Fei-Hung's step-mother is also a stand out for me. Her comedy style lends itself well to this type of movie. Its a great movie, watch it.
Eshi: Drunken Master is probably the best choreographed martial arts film I've ever even heard of. All of the acrobatic and environmental combat that Jackie Chan is renowned for are perfected in this movie. The momentum, both of the plot and the combat is goddamn impeccable. About the only thing that's missing for me in this film is the Popeye music playing in the background whenever Fei-Hung drinks.
1: Rumble in The Bronx
Rumble is one of the classic Kung-fu movie structures. Guy comes in from out of town, gets caught up in a plot because they kick the ass of someone bad, then uses the power of head-kicking to resolve the issue. Jackie Chan is a young man in town for his uncle's marriage. While in town he beats up some people who try to rob his uncle's supermarket which leads to a gang war between Jackie Chan and a bunch of neighborhood toughs. This movie has all of the crazy jumping around the environment and using it to hurt people that you have come to expect from Chan, though I will say the lack of police presence in the movie makes no damn sense. I get that they are in bad part of town, but the bad guys do some very noisy violence that should have attracted a lot more attention than it did. Overall the movie is a fun time. The cast is suitably over the top, and Jackie Chan is understandably great. Watch it, it's a good time.
Eshi: Its weird, but one of my favorite things about this movie is how little it relies on a story. There is one, don't get me wrong, its just that no one really seems to care about it. There are some gangbangers and some big time syndicate types, the cops even come in for fifteen minutes at the end to vaguely legitimize a hovercraft chase through New York. Jackie Chan gets his ass kicked pretty bad in this one, both in character and just normally. Not that that is particularly unique in his films, but some of the hits in the credits are pretty nasty and there's a five minute scene of his character just standing in front of a wall getting torn apart by bottles of malt liquor. Be forewarned, though, it just kind of drops you when its done. No epilogue, no resolution, just "done now".
2: Little Big Soldier
LBS takes place during the Three Kingdoms era of history in China, and is essentially a road trip movie about a soldier who "captures" an enemy general and tries to bring him back to his country in order to turn him over for a reward so he can become a farmer. This movie covers a lot of bases. You still get the amazing choreographed fight scenes and comedy, but there is also a lot of heart to the movie. Ultimately it is about how war is fucked up, and hurts everyone. The cast it great, Jackie Chan and Leehom Wang in particular have some great chemistry together. Its a good movie, check it out.
Eshi: This is my favorite Jackie Chan movie. I don't feel like there's much to be said about this film except that it's required watching for fans of foreign cinema. The characters are compelling, the story is genuine and heartfelt, just... watch this fucking movie. Seriously, its a very worthy hour and a half.
3: The Legend of The Drunken Master
This is probably my favorite Jackie Chan movie of the ones I've watched. Its funny and has some of the most amazing fight scenes I have ever seen. While on a train with his father and father's housekeeper to his home city, Fei-Hung (Chan) gets caught up in a smuggling ring and finds out about a British ambassador trying to steal a bunch of artifacts from China to sell to the British national museum. It is up to Fei-Hung and his friends to keep them from leaving the country. As I said before, the fight scenes in this movie are great, the last one in particular is wonderful. It has a great sense of humor, especially the drunken fighting style allows for a great deal of silliness. Anita Miu, who plays Fei-Hung's step-mother is also a stand out for me. Her comedy style lends itself well to this type of movie. Its a great movie, watch it.
Eshi: Drunken Master is probably the best choreographed martial arts film I've ever even heard of. All of the acrobatic and environmental combat that Jackie Chan is renowned for are perfected in this movie. The momentum, both of the plot and the combat is goddamn impeccable. About the only thing that's missing for me in this film is the Popeye music playing in the background whenever Fei-Hung drinks.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Some People Just Can't Handle Their Semen
I'm kinda tired of the way people treat the idea of child birth. Parenthood in general, really. I appreciate that some people need to breed, carry on the species or whatever. But, its a hugely preventable fucking nuisance. If you want kids, fine have kids. Have kids that you're financially, emotionally, and biologically prepared to have. If you don't meet those criteria there are plenty of ways to avoid being host to a vicious parasite that will someday turn into a person that your unready ass probably fucked up. I'm not saying the unprepared or unwilling can't cobble together a reasonable facsimile of a person, hell I manage to walk on two legs and use full sentences most of the time and my parents were seventeen and surprised. But its mighty fucking difficult to create a life that isn't broken, even without starting at a deficit.
Children are not a blessing, they are an enormous burden with the potential for a high emotional payout. Having a child isn't just the (still preventable) consequence of an action; its inflicting the consequences of that action on the whole fucking world until entropy takes its course and someone has a tragedy. If you did well, and got lucky, that child will probably at least not make anyone really unhappy, they might even make some people happy. But if you fuck them up, if the wrong kind of accident happens, if you don't have your shit together, or fuck forbid you get unlucky, chances are that every life the life you created touches will be hurt. Fucking up a kid doesn't just fuck up the kid, every shitty kid makes the world a worse place and every shitty parent is responsible for it. Not just the evil ones, the abusers and neglectful. The smug cunts that show their children that its okay to be an entitled piece of shit, the emotionally distant workaholics, the passive-aggressive shitfuck who tries to live vicariously through their six year old. They make fucked up people, and those people fuck up other people.
We have to stop treating the creation of a fucking life like its just a thing that happens and isn't one of the most complex, daunting, and far reaching (wholly fucking optional) tasks a person can possibly undertake in their life. We need to stop just letting shitty people inflict their shitty kids on the rest of us and then acting like it was unavoidable, and parents need to stop acting like its their right to inflict their shitty kids on us because they can't manage their ejaculate responsibly.
Children are not a blessing, they are an enormous burden with the potential for a high emotional payout. Having a child isn't just the (still preventable) consequence of an action; its inflicting the consequences of that action on the whole fucking world until entropy takes its course and someone has a tragedy. If you did well, and got lucky, that child will probably at least not make anyone really unhappy, they might even make some people happy. But if you fuck them up, if the wrong kind of accident happens, if you don't have your shit together, or fuck forbid you get unlucky, chances are that every life the life you created touches will be hurt. Fucking up a kid doesn't just fuck up the kid, every shitty kid makes the world a worse place and every shitty parent is responsible for it. Not just the evil ones, the abusers and neglectful. The smug cunts that show their children that its okay to be an entitled piece of shit, the emotionally distant workaholics, the passive-aggressive shitfuck who tries to live vicariously through their six year old. They make fucked up people, and those people fuck up other people.
We have to stop treating the creation of a fucking life like its just a thing that happens and isn't one of the most complex, daunting, and far reaching (wholly fucking optional) tasks a person can possibly undertake in their life. We need to stop just letting shitty people inflict their shitty kids on the rest of us and then acting like it was unavoidable, and parents need to stop acting like its their right to inflict their shitty kids on us because they can't manage their ejaculate responsibly.
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