The Sun is a Mass of Incandescent Gas...

The heat has once again melted my brain. I was going to do a whole thing about politicizing innocuous things and how it's mostly shitty and terrible, but right now all I can think about is the medical repercussions of doing a polar bear plunge with an erection. So instead of that here are five facts about the sun.

1. The core of the sun is approximately 13600000 degrees kelvin and is fueled largely by hydrogen, helium and the rage of Tonatuih, Aztec God of the Sun driven mad by the fires of his creation.

2. The average solar flare sets out with the heat of the sun's core and can reach the earth (~93000000 miles away) in as little two days. Not only demonstrating the great hatred Tonatuih holds in his heart but his incredible aim.

3. Someday, likely billions of years from now, Tonatuih's terrible loathing will kill him, setting the thunderous, nuclear inferno of the sun to expand through the solar system, destroying several planets including earth.

4. The sun is an atomic furnace, utilizing fusion to combine hydrogen and helium to form progressively large atoms like carbon and oxygen. Solar fusion is caused by the agonized writhing of the ever-burning mezzo-american deity.

5. Energy released by the sun is the source of nearly all life on earth, with the possible exception of certain abyssal lifeforms. Said abyssal life is fed via the million fishy teats of Mother Hydra, Consort of Dagon, Lord of the Deep Ones.

Winning the War on Goats

Alright, so it's been hot around here, not like Devil's Valley hot or anything, but hot enough that my tubby Scandinavian ass is melting. As a result, I've pretty much only been able to think about how fucking hot it is and how spectacularly I disapprove of that fact. So today I'm going to talk about why I don't like goats.

1. Goats are Smug:

Look at that fucker. Sitting there with its stupid fishy fucking eyes. Judging. Like a fucking goat knows what the world is like. The pressures we face! With their stupid, shitty little horns and their "cheese". Dicks.

2. They're Creepy: Did you know that goats can climbs trees? Yeah, fucking tree climbing goats. Oh, and they fucking scream, and not just the tree-climbers. While that can be really funny when properly framed, imagine it echoing out over the fields in the dark of an autumn night, row upon row of dead, flat-head eyeballs gleaming hungrily in the starlight.

3. Seriously, Look At Those Fucking Eyes: Goat eyes are fucked up. Rectangular pupils give these little bastards a roughly 320 degree field of vision with no frontal blind spot. They also make a visual organ into a hideous, half-open portal to some barnyard hellscape.

Fucking goats. I'm going to go tape ice cubes to my head, hopefully we get some rain so I can write a coherent post next week.