Holy shit, I'm home! Its been a long and joyful two weeks out and about in the universe but its always good to return to one's own bed. My ladywife and I spent a lesurely two weeks in Prague, punctuated by an all too short weekend in Amsterdam. Of course, for me the rest of my ridiculously charmed life would be too short a stay in Amsterdam, so I'll take what I can get quite gladly. Prague is a beautiful city, with gorgeous architecture and amazing food... that for some reason never really clicked with me. No one's fault, no hard feelings, just couldn't quite find my stride there. That said, if the opportunity arises, definitely go. Seriously, the food is incredible and the cost of living is downright comfortable. The people are a little... brusque, but people suck all over (though they seem to suck a good bit less in Amsterdam) and they seem to lighten up after a couple of the readily available and fantastic beers.
I do feel the need to make a serious comment, however. I spent a prodigious amount of time going from airport to airport this trip, 10 flights in two weeks, and I never felt less safe than when I was returning to this country. We laidover or stayed in half a dozen countries and, with the exception of my own, the border process was streamlined, respectful and complete. Get scanned, confirm your identity, carry on. However, on every occasion upon entering the U.S. the world became a very hostile place. A conspicuous proliferation of armed guards (a disconcerting number of whom had assault rifles), poorly trained K-9 units jumping and snapping at frightened civilians while their handlers laughed. State mandated molestation and intimidation. I couldn't help but feel ashamed at what we've let them do to us under the auspices of guaranteeing safety they do not provide. I really don't want to be preachy about it, but it was a viscerally disturbing experience and I hope one that goes quickly in to the annals of the history of abandoned ideas. Everybody travel safe out there.
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Monday, July 4, 2016
Monday, June 1, 2015
Pissing away the Future
So here's the deal. Climate change is a thing, its a big thing and by thing I mean problem. Now by problem I don't mean, "oh we're gonna have to have some really uncomfortable discussions." I mean the world as we know it is changing at a frankly alarming pace and if we don't, as a species, do something drastic about it with a fucking quickness a horrific number of people are going to die. It might not seem like it but I hate to soapbox about this, and not just because I think humanity could probably benefit from a bit of a pruning. I hate to get into the climate change thing because talking about it is largely a meaningless proposition for someone like me. Either you agree with me that its a problem and are taking steps in your own life to do what you think can help, you don't care either way and just want to get on with your business, or you think all this "climate" nonsense is just a conspiracy to control the populace or what the fuck ever. If you fall into that last category, by the way, we can't hang anymore and I sincerely hope you die in a painful and culturally scarring fashion, that others may learn from your failing.
The reason I feel the rather rare desire to approach this topic is because of something said on The Nightly Show last week. Usually, I really enjoy Larry Wilmore, he's witty and direct. But to see him flipping shit to the people trying to come up with solutions to a problem that has been plaguing California (not to mention huge swathes of the rest of the fucking planet) for years, a problem that even more of us are staring down the barrel of, pissed me pretty badly off. All water is recycled. Water treatment is a colossal part of the world we live in and people have been doing it in one way or another for a very fucking long time. Some people feel icky about the prospect of drinking water that used to have shit in it and to some extent that makes sense. Unfortunately for these folks pretty much all water has had shit in it. A goodly amount of it has probably been piss. Odds are you drank a little formerly-piss water today even. That's why filtration systems exist, so that by the time you drink it, your water doesn't bear any meaningful resemblance to the piss (or commercial waste, or industrial run off) that it used to be.
I'm hitting this one pretty hard but its not just water. A while back the U.N. suggested people start phasing insects into their diet to prevent against possible insecurity in the food supply. Of course it was kinda laughed off, but livestock is hard to raise, and costly, and if something goes wrong (like the world smolders and livestock becomes too resource intensive to keep alive) a huge number of people are going to be fucked. We can't afford to laugh off solutions at this point, no matter how icky it makes us feel. There are problems amassing in the world, too many to face down and certainly too many to ignore, and its not just irresponsible to keep calm and carry on, its self destructive.
The reason I feel the rather rare desire to approach this topic is because of something said on The Nightly Show last week. Usually, I really enjoy Larry Wilmore, he's witty and direct. But to see him flipping shit to the people trying to come up with solutions to a problem that has been plaguing California (not to mention huge swathes of the rest of the fucking planet) for years, a problem that even more of us are staring down the barrel of, pissed me pretty badly off. All water is recycled. Water treatment is a colossal part of the world we live in and people have been doing it in one way or another for a very fucking long time. Some people feel icky about the prospect of drinking water that used to have shit in it and to some extent that makes sense. Unfortunately for these folks pretty much all water has had shit in it. A goodly amount of it has probably been piss. Odds are you drank a little formerly-piss water today even. That's why filtration systems exist, so that by the time you drink it, your water doesn't bear any meaningful resemblance to the piss (or commercial waste, or industrial run off) that it used to be.
I'm hitting this one pretty hard but its not just water. A while back the U.N. suggested people start phasing insects into their diet to prevent against possible insecurity in the food supply. Of course it was kinda laughed off, but livestock is hard to raise, and costly, and if something goes wrong (like the world smolders and livestock becomes too resource intensive to keep alive) a huge number of people are going to be fucked. We can't afford to laugh off solutions at this point, no matter how icky it makes us feel. There are problems amassing in the world, too many to face down and certainly too many to ignore, and its not just irresponsible to keep calm and carry on, its self destructive.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Blame Society
Lately I've been feeling like a man divided. On one hand, as regular readers will attest to, I am all about society. Cultural, technological and scientific progress is just tits, and derives directly from the fact that we've banded together in such unreasonably large and cumbersome groups. On the other hand Civilization has always been based on, shall we say, coercive conscription and that is pretty fucking evil.
There is much to be said concerning the wonderful things a large group can accomplish, but all of those things are only possible because of the most basic action of a group. Bullying. While many groups function by accumulating like-minded people, those like-minded people then have the odious duty to enforce their common beliefs upon those in their vicinity. Now this isn't always violent, and it certainly isn't always bad, but it is always oppressive. And the larger the group gets the more power they have to enforce those beliefs and the more territory they need, and so the more people come under their authority, willing or not. Now this is fucked up enough when people are being forced from their homes, but what happens when there isn't anywhere to flee?
We've talked about this before, Brian had a very insightful post about the lack of unclaimed land and what that means, but that's only part of it. It is definitely fucked up that you can't opt out of society, but it is so much more fucked up that you can't opt out of civilization. Say I don't want to be a U.S. citizen anymore. My option is to go to another country that I find more tolerable. What about people who don't find any country tolerable, and just want to strike out on their own. First you would have to go somewhere that isn't already claimed by some group or another, which as previously discussed is a troublesome prospect at best. Then you'd have to make sure whatever magical land you landed on doesn't have any resources someone would want, because then they'd come and take it, and you'd have no claim to stop them. Now sure, this has always been true to some extent, but its a relatively recent phenomena that the people coming and forcing you off your land can do so exclusively from another fucking continent. Assuming you've managed to survive in this probably barren, distant and unlikely new home, you then have to hope you didn't leave behind any reason for someone to come looking for you, lest you draw the wrong kind of attention and someone buys your land out from under you to put up a factory or a landfill or something. The U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights is quite clear that everyone has the right to a nationality, but gives no mention of those who would rather not involve themselves in such an endeavor as a nation. The entire document is framed entirely as a means of protecting the individual within the framework of the State.
The idea that someone wouldn't want to participate in society is alien to us, which kind of makes sense when you account for the fact that civilization has historically been highly interested in justifying itself as the best or only way to live, even and especially when opposed by another civilization. Everyone likes to think that they have a monopoly on awesome, and the more like-minded people you get together the more certain they become of that monopoly. All they have to do is convince the unenlightened, or show the reticent, or kill the barbarians. And those that feel lost or broken under the yoke of the Group, well these days they can either wither away in depression and obscurity, wondering why they always feel so oppressed, or they can slowly work themselves to death trying to numb themselves against a world with no regard for their personhood. I can't fault that we're not all "forced" to participate, but its pretty fucked up that they make us watch.
There is much to be said concerning the wonderful things a large group can accomplish, but all of those things are only possible because of the most basic action of a group. Bullying. While many groups function by accumulating like-minded people, those like-minded people then have the odious duty to enforce their common beliefs upon those in their vicinity. Now this isn't always violent, and it certainly isn't always bad, but it is always oppressive. And the larger the group gets the more power they have to enforce those beliefs and the more territory they need, and so the more people come under their authority, willing or not. Now this is fucked up enough when people are being forced from their homes, but what happens when there isn't anywhere to flee?
We've talked about this before, Brian had a very insightful post about the lack of unclaimed land and what that means, but that's only part of it. It is definitely fucked up that you can't opt out of society, but it is so much more fucked up that you can't opt out of civilization. Say I don't want to be a U.S. citizen anymore. My option is to go to another country that I find more tolerable. What about people who don't find any country tolerable, and just want to strike out on their own. First you would have to go somewhere that isn't already claimed by some group or another, which as previously discussed is a troublesome prospect at best. Then you'd have to make sure whatever magical land you landed on doesn't have any resources someone would want, because then they'd come and take it, and you'd have no claim to stop them. Now sure, this has always been true to some extent, but its a relatively recent phenomena that the people coming and forcing you off your land can do so exclusively from another fucking continent. Assuming you've managed to survive in this probably barren, distant and unlikely new home, you then have to hope you didn't leave behind any reason for someone to come looking for you, lest you draw the wrong kind of attention and someone buys your land out from under you to put up a factory or a landfill or something. The U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights is quite clear that everyone has the right to a nationality, but gives no mention of those who would rather not involve themselves in such an endeavor as a nation. The entire document is framed entirely as a means of protecting the individual within the framework of the State.
The idea that someone wouldn't want to participate in society is alien to us, which kind of makes sense when you account for the fact that civilization has historically been highly interested in justifying itself as the best or only way to live, even and especially when opposed by another civilization. Everyone likes to think that they have a monopoly on awesome, and the more like-minded people you get together the more certain they become of that monopoly. All they have to do is convince the unenlightened, or show the reticent, or kill the barbarians. And those that feel lost or broken under the yoke of the Group, well these days they can either wither away in depression and obscurity, wondering why they always feel so oppressed, or they can slowly work themselves to death trying to numb themselves against a world with no regard for their personhood. I can't fault that we're not all "forced" to participate, but its pretty fucked up that they make us watch.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
The Man In The Mountain
I came to an interesting and depressing realization this morning while I was taking a walk. There is no land anywhere (that is reasonable to get to, I doubt that real estate agents have Antarctica mapped out for sale yet) that isn't already owned by someone.
I know this seems obvious, but its depressing, isn't it? If I wanted to go into a forest near where I live now and mark out an acre for myself to subsistence farm, I would have to spend a bunch of money to do so. If I wanted to go live in a small area by myself and just be alone I can't. There is no option for people who want to opt out of society.
Its not that I want to go live by myself in the woods forever, but every once in a while I get the desire to abandon society and go live as a hermit. This comes from a large amount of self loathing, introvertedness, and a general weariness that accompanies existing in a society. It is a shame that you can't do this legally anymore without the cost being somewhat prohibitive.
It seems oddly constricting that something as simple as becoming a hermit can get you in trouble because you don't own a chunk of a mountain/have the money to pay for camping permits you can get fined or go to jail. If you want to live as a hermit, someone who generally eschews money and property in general, how could you pay those off? There is something sad about this to me. Every person on the planet could own an acre of land and still 75% of the land would be free for public use, but still all of the land is owned/controlled. Something seems off there.
I know this seems obvious, but its depressing, isn't it? If I wanted to go into a forest near where I live now and mark out an acre for myself to subsistence farm, I would have to spend a bunch of money to do so. If I wanted to go live in a small area by myself and just be alone I can't. There is no option for people who want to opt out of society.
Its not that I want to go live by myself in the woods forever, but every once in a while I get the desire to abandon society and go live as a hermit. This comes from a large amount of self loathing, introvertedness, and a general weariness that accompanies existing in a society. It is a shame that you can't do this legally anymore without the cost being somewhat prohibitive.
It seems oddly constricting that something as simple as becoming a hermit can get you in trouble because you don't own a chunk of a mountain/have the money to pay for camping permits you can get fined or go to jail. If you want to live as a hermit, someone who generally eschews money and property in general, how could you pay those off? There is something sad about this to me. Every person on the planet could own an acre of land and still 75% of the land would be free for public use, but still all of the land is owned/controlled. Something seems off there.
Monday, April 6, 2015
Fuck You, Don't Pay Me
So here's a weird thing; I don't like getting paid. Not for my labor, not for goods, not at fucking all. Handling money in general bothers the fuck out of me. I've thought a great deal about why this is and how it happened that the absolute basis of our society came to repulse me. I'm not entirely sure how this state of affairs came about but I do have some reasons.
The main reason, I think, is that being paid to do a thing manipulates the nature of that thing. I'm no longer doing a thing because I want to or because I enjoy it, I'm doing it because I've been bought. At least rented. Now, this is probably some deep-seated fuckery from the circumstances of my rearing or whatever, but that doesn't make it less of a problem. Its to the point that if someone offers to pay me for say, my fucking delicious homemade molasses bacon, I not only don't want to give them any more, but I don't even want to make it anymore. Because clearly this person doesn't appreciate the act of love and attempt at comradery represented by my bacon, and if they don't then what's the fucking point. By offering to pay me it takes a fun, tasty offering of friendship and reduces it, and thus me and my friendship, to a commodity.
That's kind of the rub here, getting paid makes me feel cheap. I don't really value my own survival for its own sake. The things I do are done for earnest companionship, shared and personal joy and, fuck forbid, because I genuinely believe in what's being done. Getting monetarily remunerated just takes all of those great, ephemeral joys and tries to reduce them to a grubby, coke-stained stack of bills. Or worse, a digital means of survival that can only exist theoretically for me. It's saying that yeah, what I do is great and all, but you'd rather wave me away with money than allow a connection to form.
I fully recognize my unacceptable luck at having my needs accounted for, I don't deny for a second that this is a problem evoked only from a position of plenty. Unfortunately, my marketable skills consist of small batch baconry and the ability to swear on the internet, so my prospects are slim on my own. And considering my little neurosis gets worse the more abject my poverty and completely predates my current relative comfort I have, I would be fucked without my goddamn amazing wifemonster. At the same time, I think it says something absolutely disgusting about our culture when the knee jerk response to an attempt at brotherhood or an exercise in delight that results in a physical object, is "Here's some money so you'll keep doing that for me."
The main reason, I think, is that being paid to do a thing manipulates the nature of that thing. I'm no longer doing a thing because I want to or because I enjoy it, I'm doing it because I've been bought. At least rented. Now, this is probably some deep-seated fuckery from the circumstances of my rearing or whatever, but that doesn't make it less of a problem. Its to the point that if someone offers to pay me for say, my fucking delicious homemade molasses bacon, I not only don't want to give them any more, but I don't even want to make it anymore. Because clearly this person doesn't appreciate the act of love and attempt at comradery represented by my bacon, and if they don't then what's the fucking point. By offering to pay me it takes a fun, tasty offering of friendship and reduces it, and thus me and my friendship, to a commodity.
That's kind of the rub here, getting paid makes me feel cheap. I don't really value my own survival for its own sake. The things I do are done for earnest companionship, shared and personal joy and, fuck forbid, because I genuinely believe in what's being done. Getting monetarily remunerated just takes all of those great, ephemeral joys and tries to reduce them to a grubby, coke-stained stack of bills. Or worse, a digital means of survival that can only exist theoretically for me. It's saying that yeah, what I do is great and all, but you'd rather wave me away with money than allow a connection to form.
I fully recognize my unacceptable luck at having my needs accounted for, I don't deny for a second that this is a problem evoked only from a position of plenty. Unfortunately, my marketable skills consist of small batch baconry and the ability to swear on the internet, so my prospects are slim on my own. And considering my little neurosis gets worse the more abject my poverty and completely predates my current relative comfort I have, I would be fucked without my goddamn amazing wifemonster. At the same time, I think it says something absolutely disgusting about our culture when the knee jerk response to an attempt at brotherhood or an exercise in delight that results in a physical object, is "Here's some money so you'll keep doing that for me."
Friday, April 3, 2015
Weekly Cinemeh
Welcome to Weekly Cinemeh! This week's theme was Irish movies, though the first one slightly cheats by being French, Belgian, and Irish. I didn't have a whole lot of experience with Irish movies at the beginning of the week, but with what we saw I definitely want to see more.
1: The Secret of Kells
This was an animated movie about the creation of and story around the Illuminated Bible known as the Book of Kells. If you click that link you can take a look at some of the amazing pictures painted on the pages. These people where amazing artists and did all of this in 800 C.E.. The movie itself deals with a boy who helps one of the original artists of the book finish it. The movie also focuses on Kells (a city based in an old Irish hill fort) and its need to defend against coastal raids by the Vikings. The animation in the film is amazing. Its art style reminded me of the old cartoon show Samurai Jack (one of my favorites from my teen years) and was very well done in general. It is a very beautiful movie, in terms of story, art and music. Very good movie for adults and children alike watch it.
Eshi: This was a really good week for me. I love Irish cinema and this was a great way to lead off. The way the Vikings are portrayed is masterful, they aren't just big scary men, they're wave upon wave of Darkness coming to wash all civilization and goodness from the world. Kells is a super well balanced story in terms of moral and, despite some relatively jebus heavy bits, doesn't overly rely on any particular tradition. Beautiful, watch it.
2: The Guard
This movie is from the writer-director John Michael McDonagh and is about an Irish police Sergent and an FBI agent working to stop a very violent drug cartel working out of rural Ireland. Much like his brother Martin McDonagh (who is amazing by the way, 7 Psychopaths and In Bruges are great films) he is a fan of black comedy it seems, though this movie ends in a much less tragic way as all of the Martin McDonagh films I have seen (and considering the third movie from this week, that was a good thing). This movie loves its dark humor and revels in making the main character, played by Brenden Gleeson, seemingly go out of his way to be as crass as possible to great effect. It also has one of the greatest scenes in a crime movie that I have ever seen because it calls out the ridiculousness of this scene in other movies. This was a great movie that I would suggest watching. I will definitely be watching more movies from him.
Eshi: Brendan Gleeson is boss as fuck in this film. I like the dark cop-type dramedy (see Filth) and Mr. McDonagh does some fine fucking work on that front. Don Cheadle is also pretty great in this one, flowing relatively cleanly between stuffy MIB and charismatic lawful good buddy... Fuck it, just watch anything with "McDonagh" in the credits.
3: The Wind That Shakes The Barley
I want to get this out of the way first: this movie is fucking depressing as hell. It is about one of the wars of Irish Independence and the Irish Civil war that took place shortly afterward, and the relationship between two brothers as they fight through it. As a historical film, I knew how it was going to end (No one can be happy in that kind of situation) but regardless it was a fantastic movie. It was powerful and was great at showing the horrors of war and the consequences of the actions that take place in trying to end a war. I usually have a pretty good stomach for bad shit happening in movies but I had to look away in a few scenes when shit got real. Cillian Murphy (he played the scarecrow in the Nolan Batman films and Thomas in Peaky Blinders) is a great actor and handles the weight of his role well, and Liam Cunningham has great screen presence (he was also in The Guard as one of the heads of the cartel). This movie made me go and look up more information about the fight for Irish independence because while I knew about it, I didn't know about the civil war that followed. This movie is amazing and I am still thinking about it two days later, watch it.
Eshi: This movie is 127 minutes (fucking really, that was only two hours?!) of continuous heartbreak. Cillian Murphy is, as always, fucking amazing. I can't honestly bring myself to say too much about this one. Not because I'm afraid of spoiling anything, but because two days later its still raw enough to hurt. This is not a fun, get together on the weekend and watch this on a lark film. The Wind That Shakes the Barley is the kind of movie you spend a couple of days prepping for and only watch it with someone you're comfortable both crying and yelling in front of. It hurts really fucking deep, but it is entirely worth it.
Honorable mentions: As usual our honorable mentions tend not to be movies we saw this past week but other similar things we like. This week I would like to suggest some Irish comedians who have great stand up specials or T.V. series. Dylan Moran (Black Books and several funny stand up specials), Dara O'Brien (Mock the Week and several great specials), Tommy Tiernan (I have only seen one special and it was fantastic), and Ed Byrne (several funny specials).
1: The Secret of Kells
This was an animated movie about the creation of and story around the Illuminated Bible known as the Book of Kells. If you click that link you can take a look at some of the amazing pictures painted on the pages. These people where amazing artists and did all of this in 800 C.E.. The movie itself deals with a boy who helps one of the original artists of the book finish it. The movie also focuses on Kells (a city based in an old Irish hill fort) and its need to defend against coastal raids by the Vikings. The animation in the film is amazing. Its art style reminded me of the old cartoon show Samurai Jack (one of my favorites from my teen years) and was very well done in general. It is a very beautiful movie, in terms of story, art and music. Very good movie for adults and children alike watch it.
Eshi: This was a really good week for me. I love Irish cinema and this was a great way to lead off. The way the Vikings are portrayed is masterful, they aren't just big scary men, they're wave upon wave of Darkness coming to wash all civilization and goodness from the world. Kells is a super well balanced story in terms of moral and, despite some relatively jebus heavy bits, doesn't overly rely on any particular tradition. Beautiful, watch it.
2: The Guard
This movie is from the writer-director John Michael McDonagh and is about an Irish police Sergent and an FBI agent working to stop a very violent drug cartel working out of rural Ireland. Much like his brother Martin McDonagh (who is amazing by the way, 7 Psychopaths and In Bruges are great films) he is a fan of black comedy it seems, though this movie ends in a much less tragic way as all of the Martin McDonagh films I have seen (and considering the third movie from this week, that was a good thing). This movie loves its dark humor and revels in making the main character, played by Brenden Gleeson, seemingly go out of his way to be as crass as possible to great effect. It also has one of the greatest scenes in a crime movie that I have ever seen because it calls out the ridiculousness of this scene in other movies. This was a great movie that I would suggest watching. I will definitely be watching more movies from him.
Eshi: Brendan Gleeson is boss as fuck in this film. I like the dark cop-type dramedy (see Filth) and Mr. McDonagh does some fine fucking work on that front. Don Cheadle is also pretty great in this one, flowing relatively cleanly between stuffy MIB and charismatic lawful good buddy... Fuck it, just watch anything with "McDonagh" in the credits.
3: The Wind That Shakes The Barley
I want to get this out of the way first: this movie is fucking depressing as hell. It is about one of the wars of Irish Independence and the Irish Civil war that took place shortly afterward, and the relationship between two brothers as they fight through it. As a historical film, I knew how it was going to end (No one can be happy in that kind of situation) but regardless it was a fantastic movie. It was powerful and was great at showing the horrors of war and the consequences of the actions that take place in trying to end a war. I usually have a pretty good stomach for bad shit happening in movies but I had to look away in a few scenes when shit got real. Cillian Murphy (he played the scarecrow in the Nolan Batman films and Thomas in Peaky Blinders) is a great actor and handles the weight of his role well, and Liam Cunningham has great screen presence (he was also in The Guard as one of the heads of the cartel). This movie made me go and look up more information about the fight for Irish independence because while I knew about it, I didn't know about the civil war that followed. This movie is amazing and I am still thinking about it two days later, watch it.
Eshi: This movie is 127 minutes (fucking really, that was only two hours?!) of continuous heartbreak. Cillian Murphy is, as always, fucking amazing. I can't honestly bring myself to say too much about this one. Not because I'm afraid of spoiling anything, but because two days later its still raw enough to hurt. This is not a fun, get together on the weekend and watch this on a lark film. The Wind That Shakes the Barley is the kind of movie you spend a couple of days prepping for and only watch it with someone you're comfortable both crying and yelling in front of. It hurts really fucking deep, but it is entirely worth it.
Honorable mentions: As usual our honorable mentions tend not to be movies we saw this past week but other similar things we like. This week I would like to suggest some Irish comedians who have great stand up specials or T.V. series. Dylan Moran (Black Books and several funny stand up specials), Dara O'Brien (Mock the Week and several great specials), Tommy Tiernan (I have only seen one special and it was fantastic), and Ed Byrne (several funny specials).
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Thank You Jeremy
Just this today. Brian and I talk about this shit... just entirely too much. We're creatives at heart, and this is a topic that we grind on even more at home then we do on here. I've had this exact argument in various states with varying degrees of success and I wish with all of my heart that I had ever managed the clarity and passion Jeremy brings to this rant. We here at Kinda Whatevs are once again in your debt sir. Now if you'll excuse me I need to see if I'll ever finish my shitty little story.
Monday, February 23, 2015
The Path to Agoraphobia is Paved with Good Intentions, Poorly Executed.
Over the course of the last several years I've pretty much completely lost the ability to functionally interact with people. I'm not completely sure when it started but it probably had something to do with the fact that I stopped leaving the house. There was a period in which I could only afford to leave the house if I was looking for or going to work and even then bus fare was a prohibitive expense. Preexisting antisocial traits started to assert themselves more aggressively as my whole interaction with society was relegated to news-bites and poorly contextualized academia (thanks higher education!). Over time habits were established in such a way that I could no longer come up with reasons to go out. After I was told outright not to get a fucking job the idea of leaving the house fell even farther from a necessary evil to make ends meet to the least interesting or meaningful way to waste my wife's money, so I just stopped.
I've come to understand, with some work, what a bad idea this was. Justification became rule, rule became habit and habit became neurosis. Now the thought of doing anything at all, much less anything out of the house is accompanied by a combination of panic, apathy, and rationalizing my inaction. Now I can't even trust myself to be able to break the habit without outsourcing my motivation to someone else. I will get better, I have to.
Thanks for playing therapist, beloved internet. Now I'm going to go psyche myself up so I might be able to do something today.
I've come to understand, with some work, what a bad idea this was. Justification became rule, rule became habit and habit became neurosis. Now the thought of doing anything at all, much less anything out of the house is accompanied by a combination of panic, apathy, and rationalizing my inaction. Now I can't even trust myself to be able to break the habit without outsourcing my motivation to someone else. I will get better, I have to.
Thanks for playing therapist, beloved internet. Now I'm going to go psyche myself up so I might be able to do something today.
Monday, January 12, 2015
The Downward Spiral is My Favorite Carnival Ride
I've written about my anger issues before, and I've written about depression both in personal and general senses. Recently, its become important to me to note how these things interact and what its like when they do.
First let me say, if you have rage+depression issues, I'm sorry. You're probably fucked. I'm sure there are extensive medication and therapy cocktails that might pull some people out but I've no faith in them. I've yet to see any theory of anger management that seems even vaguely effective and, while I'm sure that many people are helped by modern depression treatments, I find that depression has too many sharp edges that don't take to softening.
The trouble with being a rage addicted depressive is that the cycle never really ends. You get depressed, so you get sensitive, then something happens (usually something meaningless) and you flip the fuck out. When all the face-kicking and abyssal glossolalia has passed you're left feeling (rightly) like a colossal, diseased dick; so your depression gets worse because now you have a reason to hate yourself. As the depression gets worse you get more sensitive and less able to completely describe how you feel or what you are thinking, making you more likely to get mad again and continue the cycle.
Now for the bad news. Nothing you are capable of doing about it yourself will make it any better. Once again, therapy/medication have the potential to save a few of us, but I've yet to see any good works be done. If you try to mitigate your rage the people around you will likely be unable to fully let go of the fact that you are prone to spectacular bouts of aggression. Most people have difficulty distinguishing between you trying to let go of your anger so it doesn't poison you and you being a fucking psychotic. Worse, other people trying to tell you that everything is okay or that they don't blame you will only reinforce the underlying depressive force behind the anger.
I think about killing myself the same way most people think about ordering dinner. I think about assaulting others as at worst an interesting way to spend a day. I've spent my whole life trying to find a way to handle this. I've tried giving in and letting my imbalance run me, I've tried fighting it, I've tried distance and detachment. I've even tried seeking help. The most I can offer is this, surround yourself with forgiving people who love you and want to see you get better and keep fighting. I have to hope that this gets better, I'm sure I've seen it happen somewhere. Probably.
First let me say, if you have rage+depression issues, I'm sorry. You're probably fucked. I'm sure there are extensive medication and therapy cocktails that might pull some people out but I've no faith in them. I've yet to see any theory of anger management that seems even vaguely effective and, while I'm sure that many people are helped by modern depression treatments, I find that depression has too many sharp edges that don't take to softening.
The trouble with being a rage addicted depressive is that the cycle never really ends. You get depressed, so you get sensitive, then something happens (usually something meaningless) and you flip the fuck out. When all the face-kicking and abyssal glossolalia has passed you're left feeling (rightly) like a colossal, diseased dick; so your depression gets worse because now you have a reason to hate yourself. As the depression gets worse you get more sensitive and less able to completely describe how you feel or what you are thinking, making you more likely to get mad again and continue the cycle.
Now for the bad news. Nothing you are capable of doing about it yourself will make it any better. Once again, therapy/medication have the potential to save a few of us, but I've yet to see any good works be done. If you try to mitigate your rage the people around you will likely be unable to fully let go of the fact that you are prone to spectacular bouts of aggression. Most people have difficulty distinguishing between you trying to let go of your anger so it doesn't poison you and you being a fucking psychotic. Worse, other people trying to tell you that everything is okay or that they don't blame you will only reinforce the underlying depressive force behind the anger.
I think about killing myself the same way most people think about ordering dinner. I think about assaulting others as at worst an interesting way to spend a day. I've spent my whole life trying to find a way to handle this. I've tried giving in and letting my imbalance run me, I've tried fighting it, I've tried distance and detachment. I've even tried seeking help. The most I can offer is this, surround yourself with forgiving people who love you and want to see you get better and keep fighting. I have to hope that this gets better, I'm sure I've seen it happen somewhere. Probably.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
You will Laugh and You Will Play and You Will Like it
There is a side effect of nihilism that bugs the hell out of me. I've mentioned my love for nihilism before but it needs to be known that its not a relationship composed solely of orgasms and cupcakes. The problem lies with the fact that existential prioritization is often difficult to maintain without some universal source of value. Since this issue tends to be such a bug fucker too me I have determined a solution. Happiness. In a universe without intrinsic values, happiness ought to be the clearest priority. It seems obvious but the maximization of pleasure and the minimization of pain is something that a lot of people have a problem with.
Its important to note that I'm not talking about utilitarianism, I'm not going into ethics. I'm not concerned, in this instance, with optimizing groups. I'm also not speaking from a objectivist perspective. Mostly because I'm an adult and I understand that I exist within a system and that other people are actually people. I am speaking to the social-subjective, the self within the system. In a nihilistic world, prioritizing your own happiness is the rational option. The primary arguments against this idea tends to land either on the point that some people find happiness in hurting others or as a misplaced attack on objectivism.
My response to the objectivist association bears an unfortunate similarity to the new age adage "an it harm none, do what thou wilt". My little philosophic solution does come with the caveat that you didn't fail the bit of kindergarten where they teach you that hurting other people is fucked up. Subjective joy isn't a resource limited in the subjective joy of others, and if it is for you... just work your shit out man. There might not be any intrinsic value to life, but being an anti-social dickhead is a shit way to go about it. This is not a belief shared by objectivism.
In response to the other argument, i.e. some people take pleasure in hurting others, against this maxim my answer is two prong. Yes, and so what. Some people are fucked up. There are consequences in place for people being fucked up. There are people in the world who take joy in being the people who stop fucked up shit. Don't limit everyone's options because a few people can't handle their shit.
But, I digress. If there is not essential meaning to your life then there is no reason to not be happy. Any pain is then either unavoidable or optional. If pain is either unavoidable or optional and your happiness doesn't violate some eternal mandate then seeking to feel good while avoiding feeling bad is just common sense. There isn't really anything else to say about it, its fucking simple, and the fact that it isn't a more apparent solution kinda boggles me.
Its important to note that I'm not talking about utilitarianism, I'm not going into ethics. I'm not concerned, in this instance, with optimizing groups. I'm also not speaking from a objectivist perspective. Mostly because I'm an adult and I understand that I exist within a system and that other people are actually people. I am speaking to the social-subjective, the self within the system. In a nihilistic world, prioritizing your own happiness is the rational option. The primary arguments against this idea tends to land either on the point that some people find happiness in hurting others or as a misplaced attack on objectivism.
My response to the objectivist association bears an unfortunate similarity to the new age adage "an it harm none, do what thou wilt". My little philosophic solution does come with the caveat that you didn't fail the bit of kindergarten where they teach you that hurting other people is fucked up. Subjective joy isn't a resource limited in the subjective joy of others, and if it is for you... just work your shit out man. There might not be any intrinsic value to life, but being an anti-social dickhead is a shit way to go about it. This is not a belief shared by objectivism.
In response to the other argument, i.e. some people take pleasure in hurting others, against this maxim my answer is two prong. Yes, and so what. Some people are fucked up. There are consequences in place for people being fucked up. There are people in the world who take joy in being the people who stop fucked up shit. Don't limit everyone's options because a few people can't handle their shit.
But, I digress. If there is not essential meaning to your life then there is no reason to not be happy. Any pain is then either unavoidable or optional. If pain is either unavoidable or optional and your happiness doesn't violate some eternal mandate then seeking to feel good while avoiding feeling bad is just common sense. There isn't really anything else to say about it, its fucking simple, and the fact that it isn't a more apparent solution kinda boggles me.
Friday, October 3, 2014
The Theme From Mash Song
For the bulk of my life I have been at some level of depression. Because of this I have been in some very dark states of mind and, at times, suicide has seemed like the best possible solution to the problem. Every time I have gotten to this position I tend to look around on the internet to find information on suicide and I have noticed something disturbing every time someone asks about committing suicide ("how can I do it painlessly?"/"what is the best way to commit suicide?" are common questions asked on forums).
Death tends to make people uncomfortable, and because of this people tend to not want to talk about suicide in a way that would be even remotely productive. Most responses to people who want to commit suicide are along the line of "you're just being selfish", "you just want attention","Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem" or "life is sacred". These are bad responses, and if the person is in a suicidal state of mind can just drive them further down that path; i.e. "fuck you! You can't tell me what to do". Do you notice something wrong about all of the above responses? You should.
I feel I need to put a disclaimer here. Not all of the websites I visited to check these had just these responses, some people responded in actually helpful ways, I just seek to explain the difference between them.
There are many problems in the way that people respond to suicide, the most glaring of which (to me at least) is by spouting platitudes instead of trying to talk through the problem. The responses "Life is sacred" and "permanent solution to a temporary problem" are just meaningless fucking platitudes designed to allay guilt while failing to engage the actual issue. If you are in a position where suicide is something you are genuinely considering life will not be meaningful. So by telling the person who doesn't put any value on their own life that they should "just put value in it" you are ultimately saying nothing. Meanwhile the "temporary problems" might not be so temporary. Unless the person fully explains their situation to you this statement offers nothing because you're making patronizing assumptions that will probably exacerbate the issue. Death with dignity laws have been passed in a few places because sometimes death is preferable to life in certain circumstances. I will admit sometimes people jump to suicide as being a solution too quickly, but just pointing out that its not the best solution doesn't do anything in the way of offering alternatives. And yes, sometimes the problems are temporary but that doesn't always look that way when you are in the midst of the problem.
The same problems arise from the responses that blame the person who wants to commit suicide. "You are being selfish" and "You just want attention" are responses that will only add to the problem. Recent studies on why suicide happens have shown that people who kill themselves tend to feel that they are burdensome to others. By adding blame to people who may be making a serious claim you might only be pushing them further down that path. The problem with the statements analyzed in the last paragraph and the ones in the current paragraph come down to one major theme: By issuing moralistic platitudes instead of trying to help, you are contributing to the problem.
Without seeking to understand where the person is coming from nothing you say will be helpful. The best way to respond to someone who wants to commit suicide is to talk with them about it and let them know that you are there to talk to. If you just want to say that you tried to help by spouting some cliche sentiment about how "life is precious", then the best thing that can be said about your "effort" is that you are not helping. Talking through problems isn't always effective, but the very least you can do is provide them with a place to look for people to talk to. Every time I have thought about suicide talking with people has helped, but this is just my personal experience. Some people will still commit suicide even after talking with people, but at least you will have actually tried to help.
(I would also like to point out this set of Hyperbole And A Half posts part 1 and part 2. This is one of the best illustrations of depression and how someone can deal with it that I have seen and deserves a read. Also the rest of her blog is quite good and I would recommend reading through it.)
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Close to Home
Suicide is a tricky issue, to say the least. It would be misleading to say I support it, but I certainly understand the draw. The most troublesome aspect of suicide in the modern day, as far as I can see, lies in the fact that it is fundamentally tied to depression. Now, I'm going to say something a bit contentious and probably kinda hurtful. The reason depression makes the subject of suicide even more twisted is that it is essentially impossible for someone who doesn't suffer from depression to empathize with someone who does. I'm not saying they can't or shouldn't try, that is an entirely different question. I am however saying that without feeling the absolute hopelessness and emptiness that can effect a deeply depressed person you can't have a frame of reference; its completely singular.
To some extent this extends to pretty much every variety of mental disorder, but I'm not here to go there today. I am here to say that calling a suicide cowardly or selfish or demonizing it at all demonstrates how deeply one can fail to understand the problem. Suicide is a solution. We can talk about it being a permanent solution to temporary problems all day. That isn't the point. The point is that it is, in fact, a solution. And when you can't feel hope, or joy, or really anything; the whole world is a problem and any solution at all starts to look promising. That said, for many depressives (myself included) the problem isn't temporary, sometimes it isn't even intermittent. Its just something that sits in your heart and deadens every experience you have. Imagine you have a fat man that hates you tied to your neck, all he does is sit on your chest and tell you how worthless you are and how futile everything is. Now imagine you believe him implicitly, you don't have to like him, or approve of his presence at all, but you can't help but agree. There's no hope, there's no future, there is only this agonizing emptiness. Forever. There is no cowardice in the choice because to those who choose it it's a rational conclusion to a problem. There is no selfishness in it because either you genuinely believe no one will care or you feel like everyone else will be better off without you dragging them down.
To me, that's always been the worst bit, not just feeling, knowing, in my twisted little head that my depression isn't just hurting me. Knowing that if I just had done with it, the people I care about wouldn't have to suffer through my pain anymore, they'd be free. So when some asshole "news" cunt calls a great man with a tragic history a coward, or a couple of fucking subhuman troglodytes torment a woman going through what is, hopefully, the worst pain she'll ever have to experience, we all lose. They kill the discussion. They hurt the wounded. We are fucking better than this. People protect the weak and wounded, they are part of the community. Monsters hurt people and prey on those who ought to be protected. We need to learn to make the distinction.
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