We Need To Learn From The Lessons That Herbert West Showed Us.

So I have written something along the lines of this topic a couple of times but it is still something that bugs me. Remakes. This time I was set off because of a very specific remake: The X-Files. I love the X-Files, it was an amazing show, funny at times, tense at others. It balanced the monster of the week and drama genres really well. That being said, the show turned into something unwatchable by the end, mostly due to people splitting from the show as it convoluted itself out of existence.

When I wrote about Fringe I said that shows should get canceled before they get to the point of being terrible, and The X-Files certainly fails that test. It lasted like 2 years longer than it should have, but Fox (the network not the character) calling for 6 more episodes to be produced is fucking absurd. Its basically taking a dead show it ruined over a decade ago and trying to wring more money out of it's corpse. Fuck all that spending money on new shows that might be terrible, lets just Frankenstein this bitch and see how she does on the corner. Because, you know, that always works out for the best. I grew up watching shows like Star Trek TNG and The X-Files, but those shows are done, and I am comfortable with that. I am not craving to know the unanswered questions, I am just sad at how these shows turned bad at the end. Let them stay dead.

This might sound like I am overreacting, and to be fair I am being a little hyperbolic, but this trend also stifles creativity in mainstream media. Broadcast television is getting fucked by stuff like Hulu, Amazon, and Netflix and instead of trying to compete with them by making better shows, they try to scratch the nostalgia itch that these services provide (I have rewatched the X-Files two times in the past few years because of Netflix).

Seriously, thanks to Fox we got shows like the Simpsons, Futurama, The X-Files, Arrested Development, and Firefly. They clearly have the ability to get people who can create great works, so try to create the next Family Guy or King of the Hill rather then trying to rehash your glory days when you had those shows. Then again, they did cancel a bunch of those shows before they hit their stride, so maybe Fox just doesn't know what the hell they are doing. Incidentally, Hulu, Amazon, and Netflix don't just hit the nostalgia spot, they have also been creating new stuff that is good (Deadbeat and Alpha House come to mind) so maybe this is just the death throes of a dying form of media that is trying desperately to remain relevant.

CAW CAW BANG! ...Oh Fuck He's Dead

We talk about remakes and reboots just... entirely too much. Today's post isn't going to be about how remakes are all fucked up (though they often are), or reboots are money-grubbing bullshit (though they often are). No today I'm going direct reference. Relativity is doing a remake of The Crow. I fucking loved The Crow, both the comic and the first movie. That said, seriously, don't fucking do that.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the our little tale of woe; Brandon Lee, Bruce Lee's son, straight up fucking died in making The Crow. When your movie kills one of the ridiculously rare instances of a second generation fucking legend you need to pack up and go home. They didn't, they made three more movies and a shitty T.V. show, but that was at best in bad taste. I totally understand that its a nifty concept, I intimately appreciate that The Crow had a huge impact on a certain population, like me. However, The Crow is a pretty self contained story about loss and pain, that does extrapolate out pretty well but that doesn't require the bludgeoning of a deeply intimate story, especially after the first cinematic attempt fucking killed your headliner.

The Crow is essentially about a dude who comes back from the dead to inflict his grief on the people who murdered him and his SO. There are so many fucking ways to do that story without piggybacking the comic or disrespecting Brandon Lee's death. Find one and do that if you wanna make a movie. 

Okay, so I lied, this is all about how how fucked up remakes are and how the film industry is a soulless, money-grubbing fuckscape. Sorry for the deception.

There and Back... Again!

So apparently fans have gotten together and reduced Peter Jackson's epic, cinematic disappointment; the Hobbit fucking trilogy, into a single four hour piece. I am delighted by this for a number of reasons.

First, now I get to watch the hobbit. I love Jackson's directorial style. I love what he did with the environments and how he treated the world at large. However, I am always dragged out of immersion by two things: the various omissions and additions, and the fact that the films were blatantly padded out into as many films as they thought they could get away with (a topic Brian has poked before). I don't know the fans that did the recut, but I'm far more willing to sit through almost anything they did rather than two hours of fucking Legolas and Kili trying to decide whether or not to double team Sawyer's girlfriend from Lost.

Second, I am always excited by fans insinuating themselves into the process. It might be after the fact but these are people who took them time to break down a meh series of movies and try to fit them back together (theoretically) into the beloved story that spawned them. And now they have an opportunity to expose that to the public and make a statement. That's awesome.

 The final reason I will freely admit is geek-spite at Peter Jackson. The Lord of the Rings films redacted Tom Bombadil. I fucking loved Tom Bombadil. Motherfucker is straight up immune to the One Ring, he deserves at least a passing reference.

Remake 6: Seriously, Do I NEED To Make More Of These?

I have complained about Hollywood doing oodles of remakes before but I just saw some shit that makes remaking Spider-man seem somewhat sane. So the last of the Sam Raimi Spider-man flicks came out in 2007 and the newer Spider-man movie reboot came out 5 years later. I remember thinking "this is a short turn around time" when I initially heard about the remake, but Disney has just announced that a movie that got no love in the theaters in 2012. John Carter, a movie that I have not seen because it looked... just awful, is being remade. Its been two and a half fucking years! Also, we got two movies about Hercules in the same year. That's two reboots within seven months. I am legend, The Grudge, and Cabin Fever are also getting remakes. I found a list, and there is some disturbing stuff on there.

The worst part about Cabin Fever in particular is that the remake will be using Eli Roth's script from the first film. In one of my first posts on this blog I quoted Marc Maron's bit about consumerism in which we will constantly buy into the latest rehashed shit, even if it looks like shit, because its "new". This is that, but they are selling the exact same shit we already bought back to us in a new box.

On that note I would like to add some new amendments to my rules for film. The first was that Spoilers only count if the movie is less than 10 years old. The second, remakes should only be made if the original movie was terrible, or if the original wasn't what the writer and/or director wanted to produce. The remake of Fright Night is a good example. It uses the original premise and improves upon it greatly. None of this "use the same script" bullshit. The third rule will be that reboots, that is telling the same story in the same way such as Spider-man, should be avoided if at all possible. But, if you absolutely have to make it you need to wait until the movie you are remaking is old enough to drink. That way it targets a new generation instead of bogging down one generation with 3 different spider-men.

There is another option if Hollywood doesn't feel like listening to an internet blogger (because I have TONS of pull with those people, you know) is that we, as consumers could stop going to see the remakes/reboots. Just stop. Resist the urge. Go see independent films, show the movie industry that we won't stand for their shit. Fuck, just stay home and jack it, at least then your two hours will amount to something, and if nothing else it wont cost 12 bucks plus concessions.