Remake 6: Seriously, Do I NEED To Make More Of These?

I have complained about Hollywood doing oodles of remakes before but I just saw some shit that makes remaking Spider-man seem somewhat sane. So the last of the Sam Raimi Spider-man flicks came out in 2007 and the newer Spider-man movie reboot came out 5 years later. I remember thinking "this is a short turn around time" when I initially heard about the remake, but Disney has just announced that a movie that got no love in the theaters in 2012. John Carter, a movie that I have not seen because it looked... just awful, is being remade. Its been two and a half fucking years! Also, we got two movies about Hercules in the same year. That's two reboots within seven months. I am legend, The Grudge, and Cabin Fever are also getting remakes. I found a list, and there is some disturbing stuff on there.

The worst part about Cabin Fever in particular is that the remake will be using Eli Roth's script from the first film. In one of my first posts on this blog I quoted Marc Maron's bit about consumerism in which we will constantly buy into the latest rehashed shit, even if it looks like shit, because its "new". This is that, but they are selling the exact same shit we already bought back to us in a new box.

On that note I would like to add some new amendments to my rules for film. The first was that Spoilers only count if the movie is less than 10 years old. The second, remakes should only be made if the original movie was terrible, or if the original wasn't what the writer and/or director wanted to produce. The remake of Fright Night is a good example. It uses the original premise and improves upon it greatly. None of this "use the same script" bullshit. The third rule will be that reboots, that is telling the same story in the same way such as Spider-man, should be avoided if at all possible. But, if you absolutely have to make it you need to wait until the movie you are remaking is old enough to drink. That way it targets a new generation instead of bogging down one generation with 3 different spider-men.

There is another option if Hollywood doesn't feel like listening to an internet blogger (because I have TONS of pull with those people, you know) is that we, as consumers could stop going to see the remakes/reboots. Just stop. Resist the urge. Go see independent films, show the movie industry that we won't stand for their shit. Fuck, just stay home and jack it, at least then your two hours will amount to something, and if nothing else it wont cost 12 bucks plus concessions.

Doctor Bond, Professional Spider-man

James Bond, Doctor Who, and Spider-man. What do these three people have in common? All of them are caucasian, male, and have racist fans. OK, that might seem a little hyperbolic, and it is, but its also mostly true. I bring this up because last week a certain sycophantic, obnoxious, racist ass-hat said that Idris Elba couldn't be Bond because he is black. Not only did he get his facts wrong by claiming James Bond is always supposed to be white and Scottish (despite that he has been played by Scottish, English, Australian, and Welsh actors), but he openly admits to being racist about it.

Look, I get that people who like pop culture tend to want to see more of the same with no changes lest it ruin their show, but grow the fuck up. It doesn't fit with the way you think it "should be" so its automatically ruined? Is James Bond being white (or even male for that matter) that integral to what makes James Bond,  James Bond? I always thought Bond was a badass because he did all the cool spy stuff and was charming and witty while he did it. Race and sex have nothing to do with it.

The same type of thing happened when Peter Capaldi got cast as the current Doctor. In the weeks leading up to the announcement people argued about who should get the part, and a disturbing amount of fans only wanted to see a white, British, male get the part. This is ridiculous, just because it is a change doesn't mean that the show won't be as good. It might be better. Spider-man being biracial also sparked an outcry from people. They all claim to be purists, and I think they are, just not in the way they think.

Basically, what I am saying is that the best part of pop culture artifacts like the Doctor and Spider-man are cool because of what they do and how they do it. Gender and Race have nothing to do with that, and thus don't matter. Spider-man could still swing around and lay out "hilarious" one liners even if they were African American. James Bond could still kill everyone in spectre in cool spy-y ways even if they were Jane Bond. Stop trying to enforce your insecurities on other people.

For the record I think Idris Elba would be a good James Bond. I would also Love to see Chiwetel Ejiofor get the part as well, but thats mostly because I have had a man crush on him since I saw him in Serenity. Natalie Dormer could also do a good job with Bond. Make the casting call on ability, not to fit the character people expect. Hell, maybe they will shake up these over-done characters. The second one of these "white male only" roles gets someone who is not a white or male and does a great job with it, the more people will get over this prejudice. And if they don't, fuck em, the world will turn on despite their hangups.We can't expect to survive (even in a pop culture sense) if we keep pandering to the weak and stupid.